Lost3000

Thought I'd post this for all newbies in recovery, including myself. It's a post taken from another website I used to visit. Some of you might remember another post I copied onto here. I'm shocked at all of the falacies and B.S. I told myself. Note today's comments by me in red.
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I'm doing really well. I did quit a few months ago, for 3 months, and I really had no problem doing it. It was quite the "experience". In any case, I went to Mexico where I started drinking again. I had an incident a couple of weeks ago, see my other thread -- but have been doing well since then. I haven't overdone it since then, just a drink or two and that's it. [Of course I didn't have a hard time doing it. I set a drinking deadline so quitting was a piece of cake as I knew I could drink again soon. Why couldn't I see my own idiotic logic?? And...it didn't take me long to progress to heavy drinking, not long at all]

It's not that I can't see my life without alcohol, but I do not want to never, ever drink again. There are times I'd like to drink, my birthday for example. I sometimes drink a little too much, but it's not that I don't have control over it, or am drinking just to get drunk. [Nope, I couldn't see my life without alcohol. I couldn't even admit it to myself. And really, when you are drinking, no one wants to consider never doing it again!! I DID NOT have control over it, I did drink to get drunk. I am disgusted by my LIES.]

The moderation management is going well. They have a site where you can enter your drinks, and that helps give a good overall perspective on your drinking habits. [LOL, I think I went to this site maybe once. I had no intention of moderating, it just sounded good to me and was a way to distract myself from the reality]

I did try AA, went to a meeting, and felt it just wasn't my thing. [LOL!!!!!!! Um, for a heavy drinker, AA is definitely not their thing!!!!]

I wanted to try quitting with an open mind, and I bought books which I'm still reading. I do think there is a big problem with alcoholism in this country, and I think a lot of the ways it's handled are just not helping. [Actually this is one actual truth I still believe in]

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>>>So....here's my Dec. 2011 response to the above, 3 days before I quit for good:
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omegasupreme

July 25, 2009 I was separated from drugs and alcohol for the last time. Thanks for taking me back.

MentalLoop

I'm printing out all my posts as we speak. I think it will make a good journal for me if I ever feel weak. Thanks!

Lost3000

I need to remember and not ever forget. Writing is a way for me to do that. Thanks for reading. And congrats on your successful sobriety.

Lost3000

Online forums are good - because most of them store your posts for seemingly forever!

MentalLoop

I had a similar aha moment i think back in January or February when re-reading my first post. It was kind of like, "holy Fitz (explicative), did i really believe this horse Fitz i was saying?" Silly terms like "high functioning", only after 5pm, quantifying volume....what a moron I was. Even worse, I figured let me convince a bunch of folks that exist in the cloud that I'm totally rational and smart. A drunk fooling a drunk - gosh i'm stupid.

Show me a high functioning drunk, and I'll show you his/her underperformance!

Danica2011

Thanks for posting that. It's a great reminder! I'm sure I have told myself all those things as well. I still, in the back of my mind feel that I will be able to drink again someday. Soooo, being a fairly intelligent person, I see that I'm fooling myself. or do I? I'm 23 days now... and it's not that big of a deal. Perhaps I'm doing what you did... with that deadline. geez... I'm just going to keep coming in here and talking and reading my books etc. Thanks again for posting. It's an eye opener for me.

PaleMale

Recently I was looking for an address I had misplaced. I did a search in Thunderbird (email program) and found a horrible "gem" in my Sent folder! It was something I had sent to my business partner at 11:40pm at night... That was years ago. My face turned bright red, and the ugly reminder made it fresh and real, that I'm an alcoholic and that's why I don't drink anymore. Thanks for your story!

Lost3000

I know, huh? High functioning, okayyyyy. I guess since I have a job, house and husband I'm highly functioning while getting completely plastered at night and muddling through the day at work. Honestly I think I was just keeping it together, barely. It was only a matter of time before the thread came loose. And actually I did have this hard and fast rule of never drinking before 5pm, but after that I made up for the whole day of not drinking!!!!!!!

Lost3000

Well, I convinced myself I wasn't that bad back then. So I literally did set a deadline to drink. It was the vacation I had coming up. Oh my I drank and drank. I intended on coming back and being sober and that was a monumental failure. I quickly ended up right where I was earlier, totally drunk and miserable. And that's when I knew. Knew I could never drink again.

Thinking of never drinking again was just too much for me. So I didn't think about it and kept pressing on. I still do. And it's only been 4 months but I feel soooo much stronger now.

It's a little hard posting my old forum posts. Kind of like baring myself. But I'm glad I did as it seems to be helpful to some.

Lost3000

Oh and congratulations on 23 days!!!!!!!!!!!

awuh1

YaNO it takes some guts to admit you’re wrong. Facing the truth is at the very core of successful sobriety IMO. To look back at the self-deception , and call it what it is, makes it just that much harder to do in the future. Nice job!

Lost3000

Thank you very much. I think it's easier for me to be honest here than in person. I talk to my husband about it a lot and that is hard to do.