MightyMung

I keep having relapses that are extreme. I'll go X amount of time without drinking and then my way of thinking will just shift and i'll act impulsively. Saturday night (3.30am) I couldn't sleep so I went to get 'a drink' from the petrol station. Bottle of wine down, got bored, went and got a case of beer. Stayed up all night til 1pm or so the next day snorting MDMA, taking codeine and drinking. Then I ended up compulsively lying to everyone on the phone seeking attention (something i've had to clean up this morning, hungover). 1pm, got another case of beer, finished the hard drugs off, teleported to midnight and I 'wake up' on the floor having had no idea what had happened, slunk to bed, tongue as dry as a carpet and passed out. 2 friends told me i'm at an "all time low", everyone saying they're worried about me, makes me feel utterly ashamed and guilty, almost tempts me to just let fate take its course and lock myself in a room with a tv and 40 units of alcohol a day, don't truly want to live like that but feel constantly defeated. Sick of cycling between sobriety and intoxication.

Sorry for the broken structure, feel like i've chemically damaged myself, head not clear.

Hollyanne

Mighty, that sounds mighty!
So, my question is, what are you actually doing to get well?
What are you doing here?
We don't really need to hear all the details about your drink and drug use or see a picture of you with a pint. We all have our own history. We are interested in hearing what you are doing to get off the crazy train.
Stop analyzing and get working on quitting all the crap.
Until you are willing to go through the initial hardship of being clean and in reality, there is really no point to all the other stuff. It is hard. But, can you imagine for a second, the satisfaction of being free of all the mind-altering stuff and starting life as a levelheaded, independent man? Go for that. All the other stuff is just rubbish.

Change4good

get thee to a meeting or a counselor. you aren't able to sort this mess out on your own.

apologies for the brevity. . .at work and must head to a meeting. wishing you well mighty mug.

MightyMung

Apologies, removed photo

OCDDan

I half agree with Hollyanne about painting that picture of getting wasted, but it does give a pretty acurate description of where you are at.

your description reminds me of a stage in my life about 20 years ago. My brother had like a mini intervention and told me i was getting to f'dd up and didn't want to be holding my mothers hand at my funeral, that did make a difference, but think about the people that care about you too, but most of all think about yourself and your health, health is the best thing you can have. maybe think about getting some help.

m1k3

Mung, you do realize the only person who can help you get better is you.

So it come down to do you want to quit or not?

If you do then quit. Find a tool that works for you and do it.

There are many possible ways to quit from AA and Ration Recovery and Smart Recovery and LifeRing and Church based programs to Individual therapists with backgrounds in alcoholism/addiction and recovery. I don't know what is right for you but people have used all of these programs to successfully quit.

But the only thing that is going to make it happen is you making the commitment. Until then it is the same old merry go round with the same old tired song. It's up to you to get off.

Remember, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

MightyMung

Of course I want to quit, and all of the time that is what I focus on in full sincerity - it just takes one thought and i'm being carried to the shop/texting a dealer, before i've even had time to think. It's like someone else is doing it for me

SOBERINNEPA

I've been where you are.

Get a couple clean days, then look around. Right now you're at the bottom and the view stinks. Reach out to whoever can help you. You're friends are concerned. Ask them to help you find a detox. That's what friends are for.

Hollyanne

How about just deleting the pint and leaving your nice "mug" on there?
You are listening though, and that is good.
You will get well. A great life awaits you.
Again, it is simple. Not easy, but simple.

Do whatever you have to do.
Surrender, and follow the advice given.
Get to a meeting. AA, NA, Lifering etc. A counsellor, rehab.
You can do this. Get help. That is strength, not weakness.

m1k3

Can you get into a detox/rehab?

Also, I didn't ask if you want to quit, I asked if you were willing to commit to quitting, to doing whatever you have to do to quit?

Lot's of people want to run but they never take that first step. The first step can be hard and scary but boy is it worth it.

I hope you realize that we all want you to succeed. We know what it is like and we want you to know that it can be done.

Anna

I think you need to make changes in your life, besides stopping drinking. That is what will shift your thinking and help you to live a sober life. When you fully accept that drinking is no longer an option, then you will find other ways to deal with life.

I hope that you get the help you need.

Threshold

with all the different crap you are using, detox/rehab might really benefit you. you have a lot of "temptations" and when you use one...I know from my own situation it snowballs in a nanosecond.

Sometimes we truly need space and time away from those influences, to rest up, get a bit of a clear head, and allow ourselves to feel what it's like to not be wasted, trying to get wasted, or fighting with ourselves over being wasted.

I know folks who've gone off to the country, stayed with a relative, or locked themselves in a hotel room with enough deli meats, and bread for five days of sandwiches.

Weekend retreat? Someplace where the dealers can't find you and no one is drinking?

I know that we all have to come back home and once again face our issues and urges, but sometimes a little perspective can help, sometimes we need to be reminded there is a big world out there with lots of opportunities, people and places, that we are not stuck in our little trap of a life.

I'd never bother with the work of recovery if I thought that meant the rest of my life would be nothing but one long depressive struggle against using. I NEEDED to get a perspective change and a look at the wide world, before I could commit. I needed to believe there are things out there worth recovering for. And sometimes still, I get tunnel vision and need a day to get out and get perspective again.

I know where you are and how you feel, been there...it can be different.

jobei

Hey buddy... there is a way out of it... you just have to set your mind to it and really try. I know that sounds like a stupid cliche that everyone constantly says... but it is indeed the truth. One of the main factors that I got serious about quitting was exactly the title of this thread, "Worsening relapses". My binge/hangover cycle became so terrible that I just started drinking ALL DAY / EVERYDAY in a vain effort to feel "Ok". I was completely dependant on alcohol in everyway and was barely functioning. I could see that it would indeed get worse as it had already. It was realizing that my sanity/life was on the line that made me quit. I am not sure what type of help is available where you live but I imagine that there are others near you with similar problems that are trying to quit as well. Maybe they can help? I hope so. Take care of yourself...

Zencat

It can help to learn why, from the latest addiction research, what the real cause of that 'thinking shift' is.

This article (The Benefits of Addiction: Why Alcoholics Drink)
may help you understand more about addiction and help you find a way to treat your problem with drugs/alcohol.

Continuing your participation here at SR can help you keep your commitment to living clean and sober. Receiving support and giving support to others here that are working to get and remain sober is the makings of a great recovery action plan.

Whatever you do, just don't quit in your efforts to make the positive changes you need to live drug free.

Mark75

In AA, that is what we call "powerlessness".

If you were able to just tough it out, resist the urge, just say no, whatever... then, you'd have the power to quit... but, for you, one thought of drinking/using and your off to the races... carried, as you say... like it's someone else.

In your other recent thread you mentioned that you felt it was self defeating to admit powerlessness... What's more self defeating... waking up on the floor after blacking passing out, tongue dry, a trail of destruction behind? Or maybe just a simple admission?

Get clean and sober. Do what you have to do to get that way.

hypochondriac

I like that Zencat...existential drinkers

Mighty Mung...I really hope you get some help soon and that things click for you. I'm worried what will happen to you on one of these binges It's a hard cycle to break out of but I don't think you're lost...you know what you have to do...you just have to start taking some action x

thesun

Have you heard of AVRT Mighty? It sounds like your beast is controlling you. Go over to Secular forum and read a few threads on AVRT. May help.

MightyMung

I tend to detox every week, then once I re-enter the real world, something tempts me and it ballses up again. I even flew to Corfu to work on an olive farm for two weeks a couple of months ago. The day after I got back I ended up on a tumultuous drug and booze binge.

Anyway, misery aside, poured the rest of my contraband onto the floor outside, went to work, kept the tears back and soldiered on. I'm going to plan a holiday to Thailand backpacking if I can muster up the money, need to do something that makes me feel excited rather than stale and despairing.

Dee74

Hi Mung

Trips to Thailand and the like are great fun - but I reckon sooner or later you'll be back home, with yourself - & that's the thing you need to deal with.

If you've determined AA's not your thing there's a lot of other recovery groups around.
here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

when I was in a situation very like yours I needed to make changes to break that cycle - and I needed to reach out for help.

What are you prepared to do in order to make changes?

D

DisplacedGRITS

Mung, you seem to me to be a person who has to live in some kind of altered state all the time. Either the adventure of going exciting places or the adventure of drugs and alcohol. Do you think you could have an underlying mental disorder? Have you seen a psych and been evaluated? I did and after my diagnosis and finding the right cocktail of meds i am a much more balanced person and so much more comfortable in my own skin. I even got a no-nnarcotic that lets me sleep like a baby (oh, how wonderful that is!). By balanced i don't mean less fun or excited by the world but less self destructive in my pleasure seeking. I still enjoy and seek out exciting activities but if i have down time it doesn't make my skin crawl anymore. F you haven't sought professional help yet i recommend giving it a shot and remember that if you don't jive with your doctor look around until you find one your comfortable with. Lots of people get put off with their first psych and write the whole thing off much to their detriment. I hope you find some method that helps you kick the habit. You sound like an interesting person.