bellavita18

I'm 23 and just got my second DUI three months ago. My first one was really bad.. accident, injury.. when I was only 20. This one had terrible repercussions.. getting kicked off my school's campus, losing friends, getting sued.. but for some reason, it wasn't enough to stop drinking. Maybe because my parents cleaned up my mess for me, I don't know. I was just turning 21 and thought it was just a stupid mistake.. I had driven drunk, drunker so many times before and nothing had happened. It was pouring rain out, that must've been why. I still have a hard time admitting that this is my fault because when I do, I self-loathe.

Now here comes my second. My friends and I drive to the train station (my other friend driving) and we take the train into the city. We get dinner, drink a ton of wine, then head out to the bar. I stopped drinking after dinner because I didn't feel well (too full..) I drank maybe half a beer. My friend who was driving got drunk and started throwing up so naturally I offered to drive home.

I'm in an unfamiliar area, she's passed out half-assed directing me back to her house. I see the lights. I get pulled over because I'm going 42 in a school zone. Are school zone speed limits even relevant at 1 am? Anyway. I start freaking out.

I get out of the car and he asks me to blow. I start crying (at this point I dno't know that the devise can't read your BAC) he says "THIS CAN PROVE YOUR INNOCENCE.."

I keep crying. Obviously he knows I had been drinking (I wasn't very drunk at this point, a little fuzzy, but I pretty much knew my BAC could potentially be over the limit)

I do all the road tests.. blahblah.. I pass them all but he arrests me.

Long story short.. I freak out, I'm screaming crying, saying my life is over (I'm a recent college graduate, have a full-time job at a non-profit agency, am starting grad school in the fall..)

So I get DWI in school zone, refusal, speeding, careless driving. I refused the breath test.. I didn't realize the severity of this offense.

I know the second offense's circumstances aren't nearly as bad as the first's but like, why the **** didn't I learn the first time? Why didn't I just not drive? I just don't get it.. I'm so ******* annoyed and pissed off at myself but for some reason I still am in such a limbo of wanting to drink, not wanting to drink. Sometimes I want to say **** IT and just let myself be a **** up and keep getting drunk.. then sometimes I want to just quit completely. I know I can't live like this anymore. Its been so ******* hard these past three years. I had to complete college living off campus getting rides to school every single day.. live with people knowing what a dumb ass thing I did, compromise and ruin relationships because of it.. And now this is happening. Like what am I going to do?? I just want it to end..like it makes me want to kill myself. I literally can't go through this again, and I've thought about it but I know I would never go to that extreme.

I am still waiting my conviction (we can hopefully get a plea bargain so I only get the refusal...) I know I will have to quit my job, move to the city where there is mass transit.. I don't know. My school program is online so that won't be a problem. I just know this isn't me. I just can't stand the stigma that goes along with this. I know I'm smart, this was a stupid mistake, I tried to do the right thing even though hindsight is 20/20 I shouldn't have driven.

My family knows. They had to pay for my lawyer because I don't make enough money to pay for it myself. The only person who doesn't know is my dad. I'm absolutely petrified of telling him. He is always angry and miserable over everything and after last time I don't know what he will do. Now it's been three months since the incident and I know I have to tell him but I don't know the best way. We already have so many family issues and this is going to make him lose it. I wish I didn't have to tell him but I am still so dependent on him financially because of school, etc. that he has to know. I wish I could just take care of it myself and not burden everyone.

Everytime I think about what has happened I have an anxiety attack.. I keep putting it out of sight out of mind even though I know I have to face the consequences. I should probably be treated for anxiety as welll. I don't know. I still don't feel like I have a problem drinking, I drink as much if not less than most people my age, but at the same time I want to stop. I am in a complete blackhole do not see any light at the end of the tunnel.. ANYWHERE.

Please help me on how to tell my father.. and please don't attack me. I know I made terrible decisions but I've already done enough judging of myself that I don't need others too. Just kind advice. Thank you

Sapling

Welcome bellavita18...I'll try to be kind...I think you have a serious problem you need to address.....If I were you I'd probably find the next available AA meeting and attend. And start working on getting that problem solved. Glad to have you with us.

headstrong

Welcom bellavita18. It sounds like you have a deep hole to get yourself out of. All of my problems were due to alcohol. I, too, dug myself a deep hole. But you can climb out of it. It isn't going to be overnight. It isn't going to be easy, but you can do it. It all starts by not taking that first drink.

Get some help, go to AA, see a Dr for your anxiety. The courts take all of this into consideration. I had letters from my Dr., my AODA, counselor, and my attendance at AA all helped with my court cases. Don't wait for them to tell you what to do. Take the initiative yourself.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR. I am glad to hear that the second DUI wasn't as serious and damaging as your first offense, or worse, where someone's death was the result.

You aren't asking for recovery advice, which is what the forum was established for, and what I'm better suited to provide. However, hard as it will be (for both you and your father, who has to hear it) you have to tell him the truth. You have to own your choices, even the bad ones, and own the consequences of those choices and actions.

If I had a daughter, and she told me what you are going to have to tell your dad, I would hope, no pray, that she would see the writing on the wall and quit drinking before she killed herself, any of her friends, or some poor stranger.

You say you don't have a problem drinking? Then it will be real easy for you to quit.

Good luck.

bellavita18

Thank you for the responses....
I think I am having a hard time because it is just such a norm for people my age. At least it's all I've known.. everyone goes out drinking, goes to bars. Or maybe it's just the people I've been hanging around.

I went out without drinking and was fine. I don't really feel the need to. It just makes social situations easier.

If I stop completely, how do I readjust? How do I meet people? All my friends drink. That is not our only hobby together but I just have no idea what I am going to do otherwise. I'm so confused. I feel like I have no idea who I am... partying is all I've known. How does someone make a positive change??? Do I move away, start all over?? Everything is negative where I live.. its a dismal horrible town. My family life is horrible. How do I just get through this, do what I need to do, put it behind me, and change my life????

doggonecarl

I, nor anyone else, will be able to convince you that you have a drinking problem. However, normal drinkers do not agonize about the absence of alcohol from their life.

Perhaps you would benefit from some face-to-face counseling.

Hang in there. You sound like a bright young woman with her whole life ahead of her.

Sapling

I did the same thing you were doing at your age....It was all I knew too....And I dragged it with me through most of my life and left behind a lot of wreckage....I hurt a lot of people...Including myself. How do you change your life? Don't do what I did.

bellavita18

Thank you..I appreciate those words.

I'm not sure if its the alcohol I want, or just the feeling of "normalcy" in a social setting. Not that it's anyone's business but my own, but I don't feel like explaining why I'm not drinking.

For example- I went to a friend's father's birthday party, and I wasn't drinking. They kept trying to push me to do a shot of patron with them. I said no and they looked disappointed.. like I was the "party pooper" or something. Then I went out with my friends the other night, said I'm not drinking, and they kept asking me if I wanted a drink. like, NO I don't want one. They didn't hassle me but at the same time, I don't want to completely give up my social outings to avoid pressures. I know I can rise above the pressure, because I have and I didn't find it very hard. I actually felt good not drinking for a night.. it was kind of good to be on the "other side." People watching is fun haha

I made an appointment with a psychologist that I had to cancel on Monday due to work so I am waiting to hear back to reschedule.

I think I am just finding it so hard because I know pretty much every problem I've ever had has been due to alcohol. I feel like a lot of people are in this boat but not to the severity of me. I need to come to terms with the fact that I don't lead a normal life and I've dealt with issues bigger than many people will face in their life and instead of avoiding them I have to face them and make a change because no one is going to do it for me. And if I don't make a change, then my whole life is going to be wasted, because I spent it wasted.

I am at work right now about to cry as I'm writing this (really high work productivity, I know.)

Thank you for responding. It feels good to know that someone is willing to listen and offer their opinion and help.

bellavita18

What was your breaking point? When did you finally say, this is it? And decide to make the change? I feel like I keep reaching these points but then revert back into old habits...

doggonecarl

The actual "event" was pretty insignificant, now that I think about it. A lot less significiant than snorting oxy, drinking, and overdosing, which failed to convince me that I needed to get clean and sober.

No, I just woke up hungover on a work day having completely lost control of my drinking the night before. I'm mean like scratch your head, wonder what the heck happened kind of loss of control. But what I had this time that I don't think I had ever had before was the crystal clear realization, an utter moment of clarity, that if I didn't turn this around, immediately, then I might not get another shot at it. One grab at the brass ring, and I didn't want to miss.

And grab it, I did. Blessed to be clean and sober since Sept. 5, 2010.

It took me 35 years! Bella, Please don't wait to reach some undefinable breaking point to decide you need to change. Too many drunks and addicts die before they reach it. Something brought you here to SR to reach out to a bunch of alcoholics who will tell you your life can get a lot worse by the failure to make one choice--to change.

DisplacedGRITS

Welcome bella. Start attending some AA meetings ASAP. They will help you and they will also look good to the judge. I also bet when you go there you will hear about other people who have OWI/DWIs (probably more than you have) and that it's not the end of the world. You don't have to hit rock bottom to quit. You can bring your rock bottom up and let it hit you. Let this be it. Get to some meetings and make the change. You're the only one who can do it.

Sapling

I guess when I got to the point I didn't want to live....And I didn't want to die. I was hopeless. I went to an AA meeting thinking I'd never get that bad...And I also didn't think it could make me stop. It gave me hope....And I committed myself to it. I stopped. After 35 years of drinking daily. It was a miracle for me.