MentalLoop

Here is the text of an email I recently sent him...and I will post his response [I stuck in my note: to provide context to those who don't know me]:


I spent a lot of time convincing myself that hanging with my friends was no problem sober. From a stay dry perspective, really it hasn't been that big a deal. But I have to say, that I get very little support from everybody. I'm not talking the kind of support where people tell me it gets better, blah blah. I'm talking about those who either categorically don't believe I had a problem, and beg and plead me to drink with them; or those who impose the moral burden – come on, have just one. People's ignorance about this is unbelievable. I hear many people say you find new friends….I always thought it was because they were "more" alcoholic than me, and as such only had other alcoholic friends. But I am finding it tough to even go out with people who drink very mildly….

Not drinking totally has become like lent [my note: I go vegan for lent 55 days] for me. It is just not something I do. The upside is I don't feel any physical or uncontrollable urges. The downside, like lent, the notion that the dry period will end does linger. When people ask, I kind of say "for now" or "today", or "I will go for a year and re-assess". I know all this addictive voice stuff, and I hear it. Am I just fighting making the commitment to categorically say Never? And in that, is it now just to me? Meaning, I tell everybody I can to stay accountable, and initially I always presented it as forever, but lately, I have toned that message down…scary place, I know. Meeting material, I know. It also occurs to me that people who avoid aa because they don't believe in higher powers or the kumbaya, or whatever. That is all horse s-h.i-t, they just don't want to commit to permanent sobriety [my note: No offense intended, and I don't go to or participate in aa...].

Physically – I am in the best shape of my life. I'm down more than 10lbs from when you saw me last, 50 from 4 years ago. Mostly to do with lent, but shaving 500 calories a day from booze has been great. If you can believe this, this is the first time in my life that I actually care about what I wear. Don't like baggy clothes, started to eliminate the undershirt, etc. Very positive from a self image perspective

Mentally, am really learning to deal with my anxiety issues. Things like Sunday night not so bad anymore, even try to break normal rituals in running trails / loading dishwasher, all those OCD type behaviors that used to get to me. I also very consciously catch stock of an anxiety attack, and am learning how to control with breathing, and getting a grip of myself…This is super good, but a little bad. The good is obvious, the bad – last night I thought, wow, if only I could drink a glass or 10 of wine tonight. I am not anxious, I am not upset about going to San Diego today, I am not angry or trying to take the edge of anything. Obviously, the cunning/baffling thought occurred to me, so I dismissed it.

Read the attached exec summary document. Not very flushed, but some stuff I have been toying with [my note: the attached executive summary was about opening up a wellness center focused on curing the head through exercise].

Anyway, I know I referenced alcohol a lot in this note, which obviously means I have been thinking about it a bit. But confidently, I can tell you, it is the same craving as wanting a piece of cheese during lent [my note: remember vegan]. In the business budget world, we call it a "nice to have", but nothing that will break me

MentalLoop

Hi.

I lost like 35 email responses yesterday. Dunno. Am getting over it. Ugh. The bounce backs wound up in my spam. What a joke.

So, read your email (again).

First the easy - [redact - name of wellness center]. I like it. Have been hanging out with Mary Ann Browning lately. She is the trainer to the fabulously wealthy. Like $200/session for one of her trainers; $500 for her. She emphasizes a lot of your point but not so succinctly or in as well thought out manner. Google her if you have a minute. I am trying to get her to do the spa at our [redact] hotel and also the hotel we are about to announce in [redact]. Can invest in your business?

As for the booze writing, I get it all. The part that resonates for me especially is the examination of the friendships and interactions that used to make up a lot of our time.

In an odd way, once you cross over there comes this almost missionary-like outlook. A belief in a higher cause. A belief in true power.

You're a kid of the 80s from Queens like me so you remember the scene from the first Indiana Jones when the group is looking for Christ's chalice? - the hot German chick thinks it's the fancy gold one but it ain't. The knight dude picks up the wooden cup and says that THAT is the cup of the king of kings.

I'm not saying you can't be a BSD, just that you've got a real sense of the root of power.

In that sense, your business motivation with [redact wellness center name] makes sense. Your secret society of members can be the drunks. We live among you, you unenlightend fools. ;-)

As for the fear that your sobriety is buttressed by the "finish line", ie, that one day you will drink... Could be. But, all you need to do is live, repeat, believe that TODAY you will not drink. Tomorrow is promised to no one.

eJoshua

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you. Lent is about giving something up for the purposes of self sacrifice in order to draw closer to God (and/or mirror the 40 days in the wilderness of Jesus). I don't view my sobriety as giving anything up. Like the saying goes: I've got nothing to lose but my chains. For me, getting sober is less about self-sacrifice, and more about ending the cycle of self harm.

I only bring it up because I think it's a very important distinction. If I still looked at alcohol as something that I was depriving myself of I would either be miserable or not be sober today. I know at the beginning it can feel like a loss, almost like mourning the loss of a friend, but in time you come to realize that you haven't lost anything, and in fact have gained a lot.

Best wishes,

Sapling

Is your friend a friend of Bill's?

MentalLoop

Fair point. It would be hard for you to understand my lent reference if you didnt know me. for the last 15+ years i go vegan for about 110 days a year (all lent type activity). The spiritual reasons are one tging...but there is also the physical cravings for food. All I meant was that over timei have been able to switch those cravings off when i fast...irrespective of the spiritual side of the fast. Because of that training / MO...turning off the liquor crave was physically/mentally received thesame way...intent and purpose notwithstanding. I agree with the crux of your point though.

MentalLoop

Maybe Bill's brother. he took me to my one and only meeting.

Sapling

I had a thread here somewhere....I hooked up with a couple friends I drank with in 8th and 9th grade on facebook. I told one I had gone to AA and hadn't had a drink in 10 months.....He has 25 years in AA and the other has 23....I guess I shouldn't have moved.

MentalLoop

yea...i read that thread and immediately thought about my buddy too. in this case he got ssober just when i just started to dabble in drink. fortunately, we have stayed very close over the last few decades.

Sapling

We all take different paths to get there...As long as you get there alive is all that counts.