Healthyfood

I've been thinking lately about my 8 years long relationship that ended because of my addiction. For the past 3 years I drunk a lot. Almost every day. My boyfriend just helplessly existed with me. Until we split up.

Now we’ve been separated for almost 1.5 years out of which Ive been sober for 2 months.
Since then I haven’t met anyone like my bf. So clearly we are the match.

So he wants me back. But Im scared about staying sober. He is very passive drinker. Drinks very rarely. But he has not seen me sober for a single day. Do you think its safe to move in with him?

I feel urges already but I understand that drink is not an option for me. Do you think relationship could be a success if I stay sober? Or is it potential trap? Im scared that I will become the old me again. Would it be hard to stay sober in the same relationship?

Thank you very much for reading my post.

sugarbear1

Why not take a break for at least 6 months then date? There is a possibility that you will fall into old behavior patterns and at 2 months sober, you still have a long way to grow.

Just something to think about.

hypochondriac

I'd imagine you'd get some triggers HF. I would take it very slowly if I was you x

Healthyfood

sugarbear1

I see what you are saying. I will wait for at least 6 months before moving in. But even then I think it might not be safe. Or might be ok.

bayliss

I know how difficult it is to ignore your heart.

Have you discussed your sobriety with him? Have you told him that you are serious about it and that you don't want to go back to your old ways....that you don't want to do this all over again with him?

I would probably chat him up and then go from there. Think about it for a while.
I know it may be difficult...I don't know what I would do in your situation to be honest...but I understand your confusion/frustration.

2granddaughters

Hf, are you attending AA meetings or other recovery programs?

Bob R

doggonecarl

"But Im scared about staying sober"

If your boyfriend was posting here and asking our advice about getting back together with you, I'd tell him that he needs to let you work on your recovery.

So you can imagine what my advice will be to you...your sobriety should be the most important thing to you right now. If getting back with you boyfriend is going to wreck that...then what good will come out of being back together?

Give it some time. Good luck.

Healthyfood

bayliss

I haven't discussed my sobriety with him yet. I just don't want to make a statement that I quit forever. Its too scary to say. I do my best to stay sober and he has noticed that.

Healthyfood

2granddaughters

No Im not attending meetings. Im doing this on my own.

Dee74

....or, with the greatest respect, maybe you haven't met enough other people yet HF

You're changing and growing in recovery - I'd give it some time too - at least until you're sure who sober you is

D

2granddaughters

I wish you the best of luck.

Bob R

Healthyfood

Dee,

What are you trying to say? Well I met some guys, but did not like anyone at all.

Dee74

I'm not a believer in theres just one person for everyone HF. I've had 3 long term relationships with very different people.

I'm trying to say that you may be an entirely different person now than you were then with this guy, and may be even more different 6 months from now.

It's up to you, but even without the complication that he's a drinker, I'd wait a while before making a big life decision like moving in.

Healthyfood

Dee,

I agree. I have changed already within these 2 months. In 6 months I might be even more different. I just want to have family and live normal life.

bayliss

Maybe you could say that you are working on your sobriety for right NOW.
One day at a time. What do you think he would say to that?

Dee74

yeah I know - I wanted that too - but I'm still glad I waited...

I was a far more together person having worked on myself for 6 months or so, I was comfortable in my own company...I liked who I was and I liked my life....I was a better partner for that too.

Unlike other times, I entered a relationship then because I wanted to - it felt right in all aspects - there was no need, desperation or loneliness there....and 4+ years later it's still working

D

bayliss

I don't want to veer off topic here, but a lot of people say that when you quit you need to "work on yourself" - what if you're already in a long-term relationship? Or married?
Was just curious.

Healthyfood

bayliss

He would be happy. But after reading comments I start to realize that it might be very hard to stay the new me for long. And 2 months is way too early to make that kind of decisions.

Spybee007

I would say, speak with him about your new lifestyle and explain to him that he will need to be there for you during your recovery, make sure he knows what it will entail and that it will harder, but if he loves you truly, he will on board. I think that's great you have a second chance with someone you love. I'd say go for it, but be VERY cautious that it doesn't trigger a relapse. Congrats on 2 months BTW. I am at a crossroads like you with my ex GF, but currently we are taking it slowly, building trust, she doesn't drink, I was the drinker and it just ruined our relationship.. But love is love, always nice to have a second chance

Healthyfood

Dee,

As always I agree with what you are saying. Im not comfortable with myself yet. And I do feel lonely cause all my friends have disappeared as Im not one of them anymore.

Having said that I realize that being in relationship mentally not ready is worse than being on my own.