ela

Hi everyone Ela here, update since my last post. Since my Husband has told his sponcee, friend that it has to end due to the male, female situation of me not being comfortable with it. We have been to counselling 1 session, any advice on how we can now move forward.
Thx

sugarbear1

What I read is that on 3-9-12 your husband was dry since his DUI 3 weeks prior, then on 3-11 he had 5 months and was sponsoring a female, not using a textbook.

I'm not sure what program he was working, but until he's been clean/sober for a good period of time, has made changes in his own life (which take time), AND has worked all 12 steps, there is no real Sponsor/Sponsee going on here. People don't "sponsor" each other who don't know what they are doing (although it happens).

After one counseling session and 31 years of marriage, I'd continue the counseling and tell him he needs to stay away from females. That female needs help from other women, not from a married man with dry time (not true sobriety).

If you are totally fed up, divorce is an option, but this is your choice. Do you attend Nar Anon or Al Anon? That is where you will find your own support network.

I wish you well,

edeneen

in all the meetings I have attended over the years, they all had a policy of not using opposite sexes as sponsors (expect in gay AA, where the opposite is true), so how did it come to be he has a female sponsor or is sponsoring a female ? ask him

I would be suspicious too...

desertsong

I agree ... when I was looking for a sponsor, there was a guy in the group who I thought was very wise and experienced and I mentioned to someone that I was thinking of choosing him. I was told that it's better to get a sponsor of the same sex, because the whole male/female thing can become a problem (you discuss some rather intimate stuff together) and even with the best of intentions, "friendship" can become something else. So I didn't touch that guy with a ten-foot pole and chose a woman my mother's age with 25+ years of sobriety. I'm still very friendly with this guy and he's very supportive of me, but I can see where things can take a turn in a direction they're not supposed to go.

sugarbear1

ela, your original post was in the Friends & Family Forum. This is the Newcomer's Forum. Regardless, it sounds disturbing to know this is going on. Neither your husband nor this girl are listening to how the program of recovery truly works. Your husband isn't the only person in NA and this girl needs to stick with other women. A sponsor is one who has worked the steps with a sponsor and who is putting them to work in their daily life. Two newcomers have no idea how to work the steps.

Peace,

suffering0605

It seems like your husband is using recovery as a scapegoat to see this women. Its definetly NOT okay. Males and females are never allowed to sponsor eachother and they must have atleast 1 year clean and completed ALL the steps. If your husband is sponsoring her, he is making the wrong decision and could put her recovery at jeopardy. He hasnt even survived a sober New Years yet, so how could he possible give advice on not giving into temptations. Perhaps you should bring this matter up....and tell him that you care about her recovery as well, and doesnt feel hes expierenced enough to guide her. She NEEDS another sponsor.

ela

Here is the situation,
My husband became dependent on Oxy due to a back injury, has been off since last Sept he entered a Relapse prevention group, in the whole group there 12 people 10 Alcoholics 2 pain killer addiction, My Husband 51 and a young 26 old female at first he told me it was sponsorship then he also stated it was a friendship someone he could relate to. I understand I told him, but there are reasons it is not a good thing for either one of them and Iam not comfortable with this at all. From the beginning I told him it is causing great stress. Like I said Iam hoping through counselling he will understand better.
Any advice on how I can now get through this with him, he is quiet doesnt want to talk about it right now. Our next counselling session is Tuesday
He has confirmed not to continue the sponsor, friend. But of course my mind being like a friggin processor is always spinning
Thx for listening

Spawn

keep going

edeneen

<he is quiet doesnt want to talk about it right now>>

please don't take this the wrong way, but I suspect he is lying to you, maybe cheating on you, and probably using with her. I have seen it many times, esp. in NA.

I suggest you confront him or leave him, period.

Lily

Ela,

Keep going to counselling and do not jump to conclusions. Stand your ground and continue to let him know that a male female relationship in early recovery is NOT helpful or a good idea for any of you, as it can lead to romantic feelings. Remind him he needs to connect with someone in the program of the same sex and work thru the steps with him. Let him know that he is still broken, and trying to help someone else is simply deflecting the work that he needs to do in his life on himself.

Blessings, Lily

edeneen

my solution ? can you deal with the truth ?

have a friend follow him to the NA meeting, see if he actually goes or not and with or w/o her, attend see how they sit and react to each other, if they actually attend and it is not an alibi, follow them out- do they leave together or apart ? follow one another ? if so where do they go ? where are they spending time together ? (for sponsorship talk), check his cell phone

secondly, if no dice, ask him to take a drug test, see if he is using with her

if he refuses, see a PI or a divorce lawyer, you ARE being manipulated. Don't let yourself be hurt any further, take action.

Threshold

this is what stands out to me when I read your first post

that he told her the relationship has to end because YOU are not comfortable with, it rather than because HE is behaving inappropriately.

He is not taking responsibility for his actions. He says that this behavior is part of the program, when it's not. He puts the "blame" on you that he must end things.

It's hard to recover if we don't own our own feelings, behaviors and relationships.

Keep going to counseling, with the idea of identifying what is really going on and addressing it. That does not mean "save the relationship at any cost"...or "learn how to pretend the relationship is intact more convincingly"

Anna

My suggestion would be to take a step back and be sure you are looking after yourself. Counselling for yourself is good, and I wonder if you have tried AlAnon or NarAnon?

suffering0605

Has your husband ever been unfaithful before?

ela

Tomorrow we go to counselling, he is not taking responsibility or ownership of the situation, he says he is angry that I can not compromise that I dont understand his feelings, he says he understands my feelings its so frustratrating hoping counselling will get me and him through this.
Thx for listening