When to change Sponsors?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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When to change Sponsors?
Ive been working with my current Sponsor for 1 month (I have 52 days sober, 40 days in AA). When we talk or are together and work the program, I get a lot out of it, and have a lot of respect for what he tells me and the entire way he has AA in his own life. The life he is leading in sobriety is something that I would like to achieve. I tend to overthink and overworry, while he is the opposite, and that is a good calming influence in my sobriety. So, on paper, he is a good fit as my Sponsor.
Problem is I can hardly ever get him on the phone. I call him everyday (as instructed), sometimes twice a day, and literally 90% of time it goes to voicemail. Not a huge deal, I know he works a lot and we (usually) attend the same 4 meetings a week, so I can always talk with him then. I say usually, because last 2 weeks he has skipped out on all of them but 1. And that 1 he went home immediately after, while all the rest of us went to dinner after. 1 of the meetings hes skipped is a 6-8 person Step Study that we as a Sponsor-Sponsee family. He always has legit reasons, not that hes just lazing at home. But...when we dont connect at meetings, always getting his voicemail is starting to wear on me. Ill send him emails with real legitimate questions/issues, he'll only reply half the time maybe...he will read them, and mention them the next time I see him, but a "Got it, we'll talk about this later" reply would be nice.
Today he skipped the meeting that I only started going to cause he wanted me to...its a great meeting and Im glad I go...but its a 45-minute drive for me and there is supposed to be another really good meeting on Wednesdays just 8 minutes from my house that Ive never been to. I guess in a way I am a needy person, in that even if its about nothing, reply or callback is sometimes needed. But this isnt the first time Ive been truly wondering if its time for a change. Problem is I REALLY like the sponsor family tree step study meeting, and I dont know if that would work if I changed sponsors. That and I tend to run in same group as my sponsor, and I know they arent supposed to take it personal, but I wouldnt want it to get weird. Sh-t...I should just be telling him these things...IF HE WOULD ANSWER THE D-MN PHONE. Just frustrated...thanks for listening.
Problem is I can hardly ever get him on the phone. I call him everyday (as instructed), sometimes twice a day, and literally 90% of time it goes to voicemail. Not a huge deal, I know he works a lot and we (usually) attend the same 4 meetings a week, so I can always talk with him then. I say usually, because last 2 weeks he has skipped out on all of them but 1. And that 1 he went home immediately after, while all the rest of us went to dinner after. 1 of the meetings hes skipped is a 6-8 person Step Study that we as a Sponsor-Sponsee family. He always has legit reasons, not that hes just lazing at home. But...when we dont connect at meetings, always getting his voicemail is starting to wear on me. Ill send him emails with real legitimate questions/issues, he'll only reply half the time maybe...he will read them, and mention them the next time I see him, but a "Got it, we'll talk about this later" reply would be nice.
Today he skipped the meeting that I only started going to cause he wanted me to...its a great meeting and Im glad I go...but its a 45-minute drive for me and there is supposed to be another really good meeting on Wednesdays just 8 minutes from my house that Ive never been to. I guess in a way I am a needy person, in that even if its about nothing, reply or callback is sometimes needed. But this isnt the first time Ive been truly wondering if its time for a change. Problem is I REALLY like the sponsor family tree step study meeting, and I dont know if that would work if I changed sponsors. That and I tend to run in same group as my sponsor, and I know they arent supposed to take it personal, but I wouldnt want it to get weird. Sh-t...I should just be telling him these things...IF HE WOULD ANSWER THE D-MN PHONE. Just frustrated...thanks for listening.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
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Maybe just sit down with him and explain that you like having him as a sponsor, but you really need someone who is more available to you, especially when you are still a "newbie" 
I think there's a way you can fire your sponsor without destroying the relationship there. If he's a cool and calm dude like you say then I'm sure he'll understand.
I think there's a way you can fire your sponsor without destroying the relationship there. If he's a cool and calm dude like you say then I'm sure he'll understand.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Something's awry.
Maybe you're being hyper-sensative (one of my personal favorites....lol) but I don't see it. I dunno, maybe you're too high maintenance....but again, I can't say.
What I CAN say for sure is that you need to address it with him....face to face preferably. There are lots of great ppl in the AA program who have almost everything down pat but either can't be of more help to others or simply won't.
....and if you stick with him or not, you sure have a great name for your 4th step now. LOL
Maybe you're being hyper-sensative (one of my personal favorites....lol) but I don't see it. I dunno, maybe you're too high maintenance....but again, I can't say.
What I CAN say for sure is that you need to address it with him....face to face preferably. There are lots of great ppl in the AA program who have almost everything down pat but either can't be of more help to others or simply won't.
....and if you stick with him or not, you sure have a great name for your 4th step now. LOL
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I just had a long talk with him. Expressed my concerns, and he heard them loud & clear. As I suspected, hes been going through some stuff on his own lately, hence the missed meetings.
I feel better and feel like we are more in tune. See, when I do talk to him, its good stuff all around. Hopefully he heard me on the phone/email thing. If not, that will be a dealbreaker eventually. Part of problem is my sleep is still bad & only during day (6amish-2pmish), so less time to connect. That and I def have issues with feeling like a burden on people. I havent called anyone in middle of night yet, even though they say its ok. But I havent felt to be at that emergency stage and dont wanna disturb working peoples sleep (i am unemployed). That is a BIG issue I need to deal with ASAP...the feeling like a burden thing.
I feel better and feel like we are more in tune. See, when I do talk to him, its good stuff all around. Hopefully he heard me on the phone/email thing. If not, that will be a dealbreaker eventually. Part of problem is my sleep is still bad & only during day (6amish-2pmish), so less time to connect. That and I def have issues with feeling like a burden on people. I havent called anyone in middle of night yet, even though they say its ok. But I havent felt to be at that emergency stage and dont wanna disturb working peoples sleep (i am unemployed). That is a BIG issue I need to deal with ASAP...the feeling like a burden thing.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
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Posts: 2,038
Originally Posted by ShaneW 
I just had a long talk with him. Expressed my concerns, and he heard them loud & clear. As I suspected, hes been going through some stuff on his own lately, hence the missed meetings.
I feel better and feel like we are more in tune. See, when I do talk to him, its good stuff all around. Hopefully he heard me on the phone/email thing. If not, that will be a dealbreaker eventually. Part of problem is my sleep is still bad & only during day (6amish-2pmish), so less time to connect. That and I def have issues with feeling like a burden on people. I havent called anyone in middle of night yet, even though they say its ok. But I havent felt to be at that emergency stage and dont wanna disturb working peoples sleep (i am unemployed). That is a BIG issue I need to deal with ASAP...the feeling like a burden thing.
I feel better and feel like we are more in tune. See, when I do talk to him, its good stuff all around. Hopefully he heard me on the phone/email thing. If not, that will be a dealbreaker eventually. Part of problem is my sleep is still bad & only during day (6amish-2pmish), so less time to connect. That and I def have issues with feeling like a burden on people. I havent called anyone in middle of night yet, even though they say its ok. But I havent felt to be at that emergency stage and dont wanna disturb working peoples sleep (i am unemployed). That is a BIG issue I need to deal with ASAP...the feeling like a burden thing.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Brighton, UK
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lol yeah there like that here too, not answering phones and it go's straight to voicemail...used to cheese me off!! then i learnt that its about experiencing 'humility' getting humble and doing as your told or something like that , (someone might be explain it better) dont take it personally its done for a reason
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I always left messages for my sponsor....I'm doing great...Talk to you tomorrow...If I had a question I couldn't find the answer to in the Big Book...I'd call somebody else on the list of of numbers with people with good sobriety I've collected since I got in AA....And they'd usually lead me right to where that answer was in the book. My sponsor wasn't there to hold my hand...He was there to kick my ass when I needed it. Only because he wanted to see me "get it".
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Originally Posted by Sapling
How are you doing on the steps Shane?...Are you making progress with this guy?
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Mine never answered my calls either...I left a message..He wouldn't return it....If I left one that said I wanted to go have a drink...He'd be knocking on my door in two minutes...These guys have lives too..and are helping you for free...Don't take it personal...You'll be there one day...Maybe you'll do the same thing...If you ever have any step questions you want to run by me...Shoot me a PM...I'll do the best I can. Hang in there and keep plugging along on those steps.
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Thing is, last week or so hasnt been great, so the absent sponsor has only been magnified.
I find myself questioning whether or not AA is right for me every single night lately. First 25 days in program, I never had that thought. That and depressed more than usual lately. Im not struggling with the sobriety, I havent felt the urge to drink. I have felt the urge to say F the rest of it...I feel that urge probably every other day. I feel myself "shelling" up and it scares me. I then push myself to step outside of my comfort zone, and that helps, but when Im having a bad day & my insomnia has me awake till the sun comes up...not much I can do besides post here and ride the roller coaster of emotions etc.
I know most will say the roller coaster at this stage is normal. That I never learned proper coping skills, as I just drowned things in alcohol. This is very true. But, I remember the roller coaster as far back as age 13 (I didnt have first drink until age 17). So, have to admit that I wonder if my roller coaster will ever slow down, or maybe find a track with smaller hills. Im rambling...
I find myself questioning whether or not AA is right for me every single night lately. First 25 days in program, I never had that thought. That and depressed more than usual lately. Im not struggling with the sobriety, I havent felt the urge to drink. I have felt the urge to say F the rest of it...I feel that urge probably every other day. I feel myself "shelling" up and it scares me. I then push myself to step outside of my comfort zone, and that helps, but when Im having a bad day & my insomnia has me awake till the sun comes up...not much I can do besides post here and ride the roller coaster of emotions etc.
I know most will say the roller coaster at this stage is normal. That I never learned proper coping skills, as I just drowned things in alcohol. This is very true. But, I remember the roller coaster as far back as age 13 (I didnt have first drink until age 17). So, have to admit that I wonder if my roller coaster will ever slow down, or maybe find a track with smaller hills. Im rambling...
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I don't know Shane...I didn't know all the answers at age 13...And I sure as **** didn't know all the answers after my drinking career and only 40 days into AA...It's a learning process....It's called life....The only thing I can tell you is those 12 steps will change it for you....You can go through with it...Or get to that 4th step and find a reason not to move on...Like about 90% of the people that come into AA do....It's all about getting honest with yourself....Not a bad place to be. I've seen too many people try and justify why they think this program won't work for them...It worked for me....And a lot of other people. My advice...Take it or leave it...Work the steps and you'll live a life you never thought was possible....Or go do what you have to do.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Point out the voicemail is a waste of your time and his, see if he's cool with you calling when you need to talk about something.
He's flaking out on meetings. You now get to observe from close range what happens when members get flakey on their commitment to their meetings, so you can learn something important from this guy while you continue getting his input on YOUR steps. He's a tool to help you take the steps and you're not connected at the hip. What happens to him has zero effect on you.
Wouldn't hurt to cozy up to some guys with time at this point and start talking about your stuff with them. But, I wouldn't miss the chance to learn something very valuable from your present guy.
He's flaking out on meetings. You now get to observe from close range what happens when members get flakey on their commitment to their meetings, so you can learn something important from this guy while you continue getting his input on YOUR steps. He's a tool to help you take the steps and you're not connected at the hip. What happens to him has zero effect on you.
Wouldn't hurt to cozy up to some guys with time at this point and start talking about your stuff with them. But, I wouldn't miss the chance to learn something very valuable from your present guy.
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Yeah, youre right Sap. I know what I want, and thats a new life, and nothing worth wanting is free. Gotta just work at it...everyday...everynight. I dont ever want to go back to the life I was living 2+ months ago. I gotta learn to ride that nightly rollercoaster, rather than just yell that I want off...btw - every day I wake up and say to myself, yes dummy you need & belong in AA.
Thx langkah...good advice. Telling my story to some more long-timers is something I plan on doing.
Thx langkah...good advice. Telling my story to some more long-timers is something I plan on doing.
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Originally Posted by langkah
Wouldn't hurt to cozy up to some guys with time at this point and start talking about your stuff with them..
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Originally Posted by ShaneW
Thx langkah...good advice. Telling my story to some more long-timers is something I plan on doing.
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Originally Posted by ShaneW
every day I wake up and say to myself, yes dummy you need & belong in AA.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Our alcoholism likes to self sabotage us. You are so normal in your recovery!
You can start to change your sleep hours, one hour at a time. Get to sleep at 5 instead of 6 am to start with, make sure you are up by 1. Do that for a week or two, then move it to 4 am to noon. A few weeks, then to 3 am to 11. A few more weeks, then 2 am to 10.....find a noon meeting to attend and then move the time to 1 am to 9. A few weeks or even just one week, then to midnight to 8. If you are willing, get to bed at 11, wake up at 7 and find a morning meeting. You'll make more connections in the meetings....
Staying asleep when sober people are awake is just self sabotage, and you can change that any time you want! You can do this!!
You can start to change your sleep hours, one hour at a time. Get to sleep at 5 instead of 6 am to start with, make sure you are up by 1. Do that for a week or two, then move it to 4 am to noon. A few weeks, then to 3 am to 11. A few more weeks, then 2 am to 10.....find a noon meeting to attend and then move the time to 1 am to 9. A few weeks or even just one week, then to midnight to 8. If you are willing, get to bed at 11, wake up at 7 and find a morning meeting. You'll make more connections in the meetings....
Staying asleep when sober people are awake is just self sabotage, and you can change that any time you want! You can do this!!
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
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Wow, you're getting this lesson early Shane..... I didn't go through this till I was about 2 yrs.
What I mean is, you're finding that even spiritually grounded, great, loving, wonderful ppl, well.......they'll let us down. I had a person who I unknowingly made my HP in my first couple years. They were my director, my everything......and that worked great - UNTIL.... Until they had some major problems of their own: father dying from cancer, a long term relationship that suddenly ended, foreclosure on the house, and several other things. It was all she could to to maintain her own sanity. She had nothing left in the tank to give to me. I was hurt, I felt alone, I felt abandoned and I was reeeeeeeally pissed. I felt like she was a fake-out and not "really" working the program. I mean, how could she NOT be at my beck and call whenever I wanted/needed her? .....pretty immature and selfish of me.
That experience reminded me of what we're doing in AA - seeking power. Power by which we can live a happy and sober life. After the steps in chapter 5, there are the ABC's..... B is "that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism." It started to occur to me that while ppl are wonderful and great and I've go much to learn form ALL of them.......I really need to watch where I'm putting my RELIANCE'S.
I can lean on ppl but I'm setting myself up for trouble if I'm totally reliant upon them. My reliance now is on the HP of my personal understanding and the ppl in my life are like the icing on the cake..... the first line of defense.... a source of power but not the real source of never-ending / never-failing power.
I dunno how things will work out with this guy....maybe they will maybe they won't...but I think it's really cool that you 1. said something to him and 2. are keeping an open mind. No matter what, I think you're learning some valuable lessons here.....and that's awesome.
What I mean is, you're finding that even spiritually grounded, great, loving, wonderful ppl, well.......they'll let us down. I had a person who I unknowingly made my HP in my first couple years. They were my director, my everything......and that worked great - UNTIL.... Until they had some major problems of their own: father dying from cancer, a long term relationship that suddenly ended, foreclosure on the house, and several other things. It was all she could to to maintain her own sanity. She had nothing left in the tank to give to me. I was hurt, I felt alone, I felt abandoned and I was reeeeeeeally pissed. I felt like she was a fake-out and not "really" working the program. I mean, how could she NOT be at my beck and call whenever I wanted/needed her? .....pretty immature and selfish of me.
That experience reminded me of what we're doing in AA - seeking power. Power by which we can live a happy and sober life. After the steps in chapter 5, there are the ABC's..... B is "that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism." It started to occur to me that while ppl are wonderful and great and I've go much to learn form ALL of them.......I really need to watch where I'm putting my RELIANCE'S.
I can lean on ppl but I'm setting myself up for trouble if I'm totally reliant upon them. My reliance now is on the HP of my personal understanding and the ppl in my life are like the icing on the cake..... the first line of defense.... a source of power but not the real source of never-ending / never-failing power.
I dunno how things will work out with this guy....maybe they will maybe they won't...but I think it's really cool that you 1. said something to him and 2. are keeping an open mind. No matter what, I think you're learning some valuable lessons here.....and that's awesome.
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