Jilllian

Day 14 and I thought I'd feel fantastic.
My expectations were too high, I think.
I still dread going to work.
Yet I work late, to avoid coming home.
Down time scares me. It really scares me.
I don't fear using again. I don't fear being alone.
I actually prefer it.
I'm not quite sure what I fear, I guess.

Not feeling normal, maybe?
Oxy's made me fun, and funny and pleasant.
And alive.
They made me feel normal, or what I'd imagine most drug-free people feel.
I feel like I'm wearing a Scarlet "O."
And that everyone can see right through me at how effed in the head I really am.
I shop out of town to avoid running into people I may know.
If I do run into people I know, I paint on a fake smile and act like managing even a brief conversation didn't pain me.

It's all a game of pretend.
I can't pretend to be okay enough to get my butt to an NA meeting.
At least not yet. I'm too afraid to.
Part of it is my "I-can-do-it-all-by-myself" childish mentality.
Part of it is not wanting anyone too close to me.
Too close means they'd see how vulnerable I really am.
Not the strong, everso together person I pretend to be.

I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment.
I work hard to occupy my time so that doesn't happen, when really I should probably just give myself permission to have a meltdown every now and then.

But then I just tell myself to quit my bitchin' ~ and to be grateful that I'm not popping pills...
And to be grateful that I'm alive and healthy and all that jazz.

Dee74

Hi Jillian

I felt the same way - even tho I was an alcoholic.

I got used to instant gratification - & sober reality is not very often like that - and I had to learn that, and appreciate it

I drank for 20 years - removing my drug of choice, it was always going to take me a little time to readjust, to feel better in myself, and to feel good about the world around me - but I kept the faith - I believed in what the folks here told me - and it did happen eventually

stick with it!

D

LoftyIdeals

Dee is right, Jillian. Everyone readjusts to sobriety differently, on their own schedule. I'm 7.5 months into sobriety, and am still improving each day. I'm not sure how long you ravaged your body with oxy or anything else, but I did for decades, and the repair process is taking its time.

Stick with it. Develop new activities with your time and focus. It's worth it. You are worth it.

GrowingDaily

Your brain has actually changed in chemistry and structure in response to the drug's presence in your system. All psychoactive drugs bind to receptors in the brain meant for other naturally-produced chemicals. Your biological response to such drugs is to limit their impact by mechanisms such as increasing the number of receptors, etc. Again, you've actually physically changed the way your brain works. So when you stop taking those drugs - your brain chemistry is way out of whack.

The good news is that the brain can & will heal itself - it can & will return to normal - if given enough time to heal without the offending agents being ingested. But it will take time. And until then, you're going to be moody, depressed, 'not-right', whatever you want to call it.

I know this is dry & not very supportive, but at least to me, focusing on exactly what's going on in my body along with the knowledge of what it takes to make it right goes a long way to keeping me on the right track.

I've found exercise & a healthy diet to have a profound effect on my healing.

DayTrader

Alcoholism isn't always JUST an illness of drinking too much. For many ppl, once they stop the drinking things really fall into place. Their life straightens right out.

Like Dee said, in my case, not drinking left me back at the place where I remembered why I liked to drink in the first place. ......hence, for some of us....putting the bottle down is part one of a bigger process - that of treating and recovering from alcoholISM, not just a drinking alcoholically problem.

Sapling

I don't see any Scarlet "O."....Sounds like you're doing great...Now get to a meeting.

2granddaughters

Meeting with others who are in recovery makes the process a lot easier to do.

Your local NA meeting would have many folk who feel just like you..

Good luck to you Jillian.

Bob R

Jilllian

Thanks so much for posting.

This site (and you guys) are really, really helpful.

Thank you.

katrinka

Hang in there, Jillian. I felt weepy and anxious, too. I started feeling much better at around 60 days.

michelle01

Two years in, I can nod my head and think 'm-hm', but we see this a lot here, and Dee said it in a nutshell. We are so used to instant gratification, the great highs and lows, it takes time to relearn to appreciate the things that are more subtle, that may not be so instant. But they tend to be much more meaningful than what is experienced intoxicated.

I don't know your beliefs but I found tuning into my spirituality helpful, I'm not necessarily talking about conventional religion. But it helped me feel more at peace with myself, the world around me, and there are no bad-days-after and harmful consequences from it.

FlyerFan

Hang in there, you'll start feeling better soon. You have to give your body and your mind time to adjust to sober surroundings.

IndaMiricale

Indeed Dee hit all on the head.

Welcome to the marathon not a sprint.