Kinda felt like relapsing lately.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
Kinda felt like relapsing lately.
Ok, so I'v been thinking about going out for a while now.
I'v been clean for a little over 14 months in primarily NA but I also attend AA regularly.
The thing is, its ****** up. I feel like I have all these bases covered,
-Attending meetings regularly
-Have and speak to a sponsor
-Working steps
-Doing service (leading/chairing meetings/GSR ect.)
Lately I'v been tired of calling my sponsor and being asked to pray.
I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like going to meetings and sharing but I at least go to one a day.
I AM still working steps.
I AM still doing service.
The thing is, my support group and shrunk recently, 2 friends of mine with 5 yrs, and another with 4 years clean just started drinking. And it sucks.
I feel disconnected. I tried to score a few weeks ago and really really considered using heroine again.
Then a week later, a kept an unopened bottle of beer in my room for a few hours trying to decide.
I know its insanity, and that even having to think about it is a gift.
I'v read recovery and relapse. We Agnostics' ect.
And my sponsor knows about both of these occurrences.
My dad asked my if I was using again a few days ago out of the blue, like in passing conversation.
And so I just feel ******* close.
I'v been having tons of using dreams, and experiencing the desire to use a lot lately. I'v even planned out how I should do it. The only think is that I still think about how in the end I'll have to get clean again. what the hell.
I'm seeing a therapist soon, this friday.
But im just exhausted, the praying, the mediating, the meetings, the step work, the sponsor, the people in recovery going on about nothingness, the slogans, the blah blah blah.
Their a JFT that talks about complacency and how are NA friends become bores and meetings become monotonous.
The things is knowing these things won't help.
So on that note, any EXP STR HOPE would be great.
I'v been clean for a little over 14 months in primarily NA but I also attend AA regularly.
The thing is, its ****** up. I feel like I have all these bases covered,
-Attending meetings regularly
-Have and speak to a sponsor
-Working steps
-Doing service (leading/chairing meetings/GSR ect.)
Lately I'v been tired of calling my sponsor and being asked to pray.
I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like going to meetings and sharing but I at least go to one a day.
I AM still working steps.
I AM still doing service.
The thing is, my support group and shrunk recently, 2 friends of mine with 5 yrs, and another with 4 years clean just started drinking. And it sucks.
I feel disconnected. I tried to score a few weeks ago and really really considered using heroine again.
Then a week later, a kept an unopened bottle of beer in my room for a few hours trying to decide.
I know its insanity, and that even having to think about it is a gift.
I'v read recovery and relapse. We Agnostics' ect.
And my sponsor knows about both of these occurrences.
My dad asked my if I was using again a few days ago out of the blue, like in passing conversation.
And so I just feel ******* close.
I'v been having tons of using dreams, and experiencing the desire to use a lot lately. I'v even planned out how I should do it. The only think is that I still think about how in the end I'll have to get clean again. what the hell.
I'm seeing a therapist soon, this friday.
But im just exhausted, the praying, the mediating, the meetings, the step work, the sponsor, the people in recovery going on about nothingness, the slogans, the blah blah blah.
Their a JFT that talks about complacency and how are NA friends become bores and meetings become monotonous.
The things is knowing these things won't help.
So on that note, any EXP STR HOPE would be great.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Welcome lfnoir 
I'm not in NA or AA but I know when I start to feel my recovery is achore or I start to think about drinking or drugging again it's time to be honest and reach out...
I know it's probably the last thing you feel like doing, but do call in all the support you can muster. Be honest about what's going on, just as you have here.
D
I'm not in NA or AA but I know when I start to feel my recovery is achore or I start to think about drinking or drugging again it's time to be honest and reach out...
I know it's probably the last thing you feel like doing, but do call in all the support you can muster. Be honest about what's going on, just as you have here.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: TN
Posts: 162
Been there, felt that way, even went through with it in the past...and it never worked out better for me in the long run. I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you that I didn't enjoy the effect at the time, but the end result was always worse.
Best advice that I can give you is "play the tape forward". You know how it will turn out in the end. You just said that you knew you would have to get clean again. Why chance it? Worse case scenario - you don't get the chance to get clean again.
I know how you feel mentally. It's not just a temptation, but a constant echo in your head. Keep telling people in recovery. Don't keep it to yourself. Keep busy in recovery. It passes. It did for me.
Best advice that I can give you is "play the tape forward". You know how it will turn out in the end. You just said that you knew you would have to get clean again. Why chance it? Worse case scenario - you don't get the chance to get clean again.
I know how you feel mentally. It's not just a temptation, but a constant echo in your head. Keep telling people in recovery. Don't keep it to yourself. Keep busy in recovery. It passes. It did for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 92
I love the quote "Complacency will be your downfall." i don't even know where i found it, but i frequently revisit it when i want to be complacent in recovery. I hear you. It IS exhausting, it can feel like a chore. Escapist fantasies get you nowhere, i know that much. It sounds like you have been vigilant at taking care of your addict self, but what about your other emotional needs? Are you taking time to have fun with friends, doing things you enjoy, i am not going to say "sober activities" because i feel like that will push you over the edge! I am just trying to say that not EVERYTHING needs to be recovery related after 14 months. Go to the movies. Go out to eat. Do something nice for yourself. xo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Hi Lfnoir,
I don.t know how to help or what to say I just wanted to respond to you in some way, to show support.
Having those close to you go back out I think has probably had an effect on your thinking.
You are going through a difficult time now you just have to be strong and weather it.
Using again is certainly NOT the answer.
Fourteen months is a fantastic achievement, don't throw it away.
CaiHong
I don.t know how to help or what to say I just wanted to respond to you in some way, to show support.
Having those close to you go back out I think has probably had an effect on your thinking.
You are going through a difficult time now you just have to be strong and weather it.
Using again is certainly NOT the answer.
Fourteen months is a fantastic achievement, don't throw it away.
CaiHong
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
First thing is...You don't want to give those 14 months up....You don't want to do this again...Like the saying...It's a lot harder to get clean than to stay clean..It's very true..So keep what you have...Sometimes change is good thing to move forward...Try some different meetings...Get some new phone numbers....And use them..Get away from the one where your friends went out for awhile....You can come back to it later...Meet some new people....Show up early and stay late...Get out of your own head for awhile....See if you can help another alcoholic...And get back to basics...Set time aside to work on the steps everyday and don't drink or use just for today...Hang in there...You can do this..
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
What step are you on? Do you change your meetings to other areas (if you have options)?
Do you hang with sober people? It kinda sounds as if you need a little changing up with something. I wouldn't suggest using, a friend of mine just OD'd on heroin. I don't think she saw it coming.....
Stay strong, help a newcomer! Do something like volunteer. We are rush junkies more than anything, find a natural rush!
Do you hang with sober people? It kinda sounds as if you need a little changing up with something. I wouldn't suggest using, a friend of mine just OD'd on heroin. I don't think she saw it coming.....
Stay strong, help a newcomer! Do something like volunteer. We are rush junkies more than anything, find a natural rush!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
I completely relate to the way you feel. I've been clean for 8 months and very recently, I've been having tons of cravings & dreams. Sometimes it's like I can feel it and taste it. It's really disturbing to me. I haven't had cravings like this since I quit. I know it won't be worth it. I made an appointment with a counselor. I'm gonna stick it out. Read, post, call people. Do whatever it takes. We are all in this together. Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Lfnoir, we all hit that wall in recovery. Keep doing what you have been doing and sharing with your group. This too shall pass, trust me.
Don't give up just before the miracle happens. You are about to go on to better things in recovery if you don't give up/in.
prayer of strength to you .
Bob R
Don't give up just before the miracle happens. You are about to go on to better things in recovery if you don't give up/in.
prayer of strength to you .
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 868
It's already been said, you may not get another chance. I believe if you don't give up and keep on trudging, you'll get through it with much more strength. It may seem to you that this feeling will never end, but it will.
God bless.
God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
Man, I really appreciate the awesome support of on this forum. Its nice to have the anonymity on the internet actually to impose some pseudo vulnerability.
- I went to a meeting and dumped. and shared that i'm just trying to exhaust every other behavior i can act out on, instead of using, but that list is getting pretty short now.
A little about me:
I'm getting clean in Houston, and I'm all over the place. I'v attended meetings far and wide this year all over the city. Including bringing meetings to rehabs and stuff.
Someone mentioned this and I thought about it, the only meetings I'v been willing to attend lately, is the one where my friends and I used to go tues/thurs, and the one down the street from my house in the suburbs on mondays.
I took another service commitment every wed. this month to chair a meeting me and a few more experienced members helped me start.
I swear service has kept me clean and committed for about ALL of my recovery.
I really have been trying. and thats what sucks, I'v been trying to build a new support group, and AA has been awesome for that because its a way bigger fellowship with young people here in Texas.
My disease has been a soft hum lately, like a refrigerator, constantly humming, drowned out by fragments of life, but when im alone, at any moment its their.
these days, its seems as if it takes everything to just stay clean one more day. i decided to watch a movie with my friend, where i was thinking of drinking tonight. i feel like im at my witts ends with desire and obsession and i feel like its not working. its been a reoccurring feeling, now for nearly a month. im just tired of fighting it, i want to give in. but i also dont. so i don't know.
- I went to a meeting and dumped. and shared that i'm just trying to exhaust every other behavior i can act out on, instead of using, but that list is getting pretty short now.
A little about me:
I'm getting clean in Houston, and I'm all over the place. I'v attended meetings far and wide this year all over the city. Including bringing meetings to rehabs and stuff.
Someone mentioned this and I thought about it, the only meetings I'v been willing to attend lately, is the one where my friends and I used to go tues/thurs, and the one down the street from my house in the suburbs on mondays.
I took another service commitment every wed. this month to chair a meeting me and a few more experienced members helped me start.
I swear service has kept me clean and committed for about ALL of my recovery.
I really have been trying. and thats what sucks, I'v been trying to build a new support group, and AA has been awesome for that because its a way bigger fellowship with young people here in Texas.
My disease has been a soft hum lately, like a refrigerator, constantly humming, drowned out by fragments of life, but when im alone, at any moment its their.
these days, its seems as if it takes everything to just stay clean one more day. i decided to watch a movie with my friend, where i was thinking of drinking tonight. i feel like im at my witts ends with desire and obsession and i feel like its not working. its been a reoccurring feeling, now for nearly a month. im just tired of fighting it, i want to give in. but i also dont. so i don't know.
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