flickedhisbic

I've debated for a long long time about posting here. I'm a binge drinker not a daily drinker. But when I drink I'm a disaster, I cry, I self harm, I get in fights and a variety of other disgusting behaviors. I do this at least three times a week. It's hard to convince myself I have a problem because I'm not a typical drinker I can go without for a day or two. But I cannot stop the binge drinking.

After one of my binges I spend days in a crash too embarrassed to get out of bed or go to class. It's destroying my life and I feel like an attention ***** because of it.

Sapling

Welcome Flick....I used to get drunk with a guy named Flick....Yeah...It sounds like to me you have a problem too. If you need a little more convincing....Just keep drinking...It will become daily...and harder to stop...I know. I guess to cut to the chase...You know what it's doing...Destroying your life...You know what you have to do...Quit for good...Not for two weeks...For good. Because....If...in your words.....You cannot stop the bingeing....You're an alcoholic....If you don't like that word...Call it what you want....Let me ask you...What are you willing to do to start making your life better?...You've been around...You must know some of the options..

Soberliner

flickedhisbic, I can definently relate to that same exact problem. I was also a social binge drinker when I first started getn into alcohol. I was useing alcohol for several different reasons. Without alcohol, I'm socialy awkward, not intouch with my emotions pretty much. After I noticed my issues pileing up, I was even more confused how to deal with them and ashamed of that. At parties I would try and be the biggest drinker there thinking that would fool everyone that I dont have issues, I'm kool, far from it. People started seeing my true colors. So I backed off from people and became a loner and binged drink whenever possible. I'm a small guy at 115 lbs, so I would binge drink once or twice a week and be sick rest of the week. Did that for 25 yrs. After 20 yrs of it, my issues kept showing up stronger and stronger each time. Went into Rehad on goverment insureance, only 1 week tho. That 1 week was enough to start figureing out my life. Last 5 yrs I would binge drink 2 or three times a year just because I'm still scared of knowing who I am because of my past. Life has got me to the point where I want to finaly bring out the devil in me and slay it once and for all. Only way to that is to share your stories not only on SR, but also with people at aa meetings in person, helps the acceptence progress that way. I know I wrote alot, and maybe you just need new activities to feel the void of drinking...sending positive thoughts you way

CaiHong

Flic,
Just because you don't drink every day doesn't mean you don't have a problem with alcohol.
From your description of your life I think you do. The only way you can stop feeling and doing what you do is to stop drinking.
CaiHong

Dee74

welcome flickedhisbic

A lot of us are binge drinkers here - I started that way myself

I used to minimise my drinking too - I was 'only' a binge drinker, but when drinking makes you cry, self harm, get into fights and other stuff and feeds into self loathing...I think it's a problem, no matter how frequently or infrequently we do it.

You'll find a lot of support here

D

dawnrunner

Flicked,

Your post title: "tired of hating myself", really resonated with me.

A lot of us have learned something terrible at a young age: that we are bad, dirty, worthless, contemptible, and deserve to suffer. I don't know where we get this from, maybe it is just in the air! For me it was a severe religious upbringing, original sin, and some family issues. For some it is actual violence, when they are so small and helpless.

But the thing is: You deserve to love yourself. I know this might sound weird. Fall in love with yourself today! If you were in love with yourself, how would you treat yourself? Would you poison yourself, or feed yourself the best food? Would you annihilate your consciousness, or treat yourself to a movie, a new video game, a run on the beach, a good nap, a workout, some new music?

Try to look in the mirror and say "I love you". It is so hard! And you feel stupid doing it. But from this basis, everything else rolls out beautifully including, being able to love someone else wholeheartedly.

Best wishes to you, for health and happiness and freedom.

Dazee

I was a weekend closet binge drinker too. I never intentionally hurt myself but towards the end I was always waking up with bruises; on my arms or face. It was the reminder the rest of my sober week of what I had done the weekend before. I would try to think of excuses in case anyone saw the bruises to make sure no one thought I was being abused by my husband. I was abusing myself.

Stop the self-abuse. No matter what you have been through, you will feel better when you stop abusing yourself. You don't deserve that. It gets better, it really does

HelloKitty8340

Flick,
Hi! You sound just like me a while ago. Crying, arguing, fighting all became a regular part of my life when I binge drank on weekends. Eventually this progressed into drinking almost daily to cover up the negative feelings I had about myself for my "weekend" behavior. This led to binging during the week, missed work, depression, anxiety. My behavior landed me in the psych ward for 3 days. If you've never been there, trust me it's not where you want to end up. I am sober for 35 days now and yes, it's a struggle sometimes. But the struggle is worth it. There is a better, happier way to live. Give it a try.

Mo S

I too felt like you did as a consequence of a binge- of anyrtime i drank towards the end.
To reiterate whats already been said; its the consequences not the amount or frequency of our drinking that is the problem. It's good you are here. You can get off the rollercoaster now if you want and it will be easier if you decide to get some professional help. I tried doing it alone and failed- JUST MY EXPERINCE.
I wish you the best.

MsJax

I sure remember that self-loathing, Flicked. How awful to look in the mirror everyday with those feelings of disgust. When you've had enough there is a lot of help available. Here and through AA, just to mention a couple things. The saving grace is you really don't have to feel that way again. Once I had enough & made myself a plan & started doing things differently, life started turning around. It's not immediate, but it comes, one day at a time. Best wishes to you.

GirlFromCO

Wow, that all sounds painfully familiar. You should know that alcoholism is progressive. Just when you think it can't get any worse... it surprises you. There's a better way to live. You can have your dignity and self respect back. The solution is simple but not easy, as Dee74 says. Keep reading & posting, and welcome to SR

DayTrader

Hey flickedhisbic.....recovery IS possible and, most importantly, it's likely......FOR YOU - if you're willing to put in some leg work.

I know alllllllllll too well about "hating myself." My drinking and dui's were bad....but the constant a$$-kicking I delivered to myself was worse. The self-hate-machine was on for every minute I was awake and it pushed me to the point where I was considering killing myself.

Working the AA program though......all of that has changed. I have a set of successful tools for living.....for living happily......for living in a manner that keeps the self-hatred to a miniscule distant chirp AND one where drinking isn't even an issue any longer. The same offer is on the table for you too......if you want it.

ozzy66

Ive been a binge drinker for 30 years.Its a problem.Even though you don't drink every day,your life totally revolves around alcohol.On the days your not drinking,you're recovering from drinking,which leaves you with maybe 2 days a week of being in your right mind.You never grow out of this routine.

thisguy84

I know exactly how you feel. I'm new here too and going through the same stuff.

This site is helpful, stick around.

janiebluebird

20 days sober here- this is my 3rd weekend in YEARS not spent out drinking until the wee hours of the morning until the bars close at 4AM, then picking up beer on the way back to keep on drinking. I feel so good waking up not hung over, starting my weeks fresh and clear. I worked out today, got a book out of the library about smoking cessation, and enjoyed my day. All things to improve my life. Just a few weeks ago I would have been sleeping all day and feeling like hell. It is so worth it to choose to get sober. It is within your power.

katrinka

I used to think I didn't have a problem as long as I didn't drink every day so I never drank Monday- Wednesday. I thought about drinking all the time when I wasn't drinking. I didn't do crazy stuff either, just stayed at home, passed out and didn't remember anything. Now that I have quit, I realize what I big problem I had. If you quit, I promise you'll be happy you did. You can do it!

jocata

Welcome! As you can see, you are not alone in your fight.

I started out binge drinking, one or two weekends a month in high school. In college it changed to every weekend, then Wednesday thru Saturday. Then I switched over to pot and used it daily. If I didn't have any weed, I would get drunk.

The self-loathing that came from this was awful. Blackouts, not knowing what I said or did the night before. It's a terrible way to live. It would have eventually killed me.

There is a much better way to live.

Stick around.

God bless.

Hopefull78

Hello flickedhisbic, I was also a bindge drinker until I became a bindge drinker who drank for 2-3 days solid at a time. Maybe this wouldn't happen to you, but it did for me. I started drinking in high school when it was around then in college to "cure" shyness and anxiety. I'm 34 now and have al ot to lose. Over the years it became a need. Make a plan and try to follow it with support. I'm new here too...best of luck

flickedhisbic

Thank you so much sorry I disappeared there and didn't respond for so long but reading this today means a lot.

So what's the best way to jump in here? I'm a bit lost on what to do.

BlueMoon

perhaps an AA meeting?
AA not only helped me to stop drinking (binge-ing) but it's showed me how to LIVE - not just exist . . .

welcome to SR! i'm glad you're here

Blue