Polaroid

Well, I'm totally beat and going to sleep (rhyme not intended, I'm not in the mood for that)

Dreading waking up tomorrow, as always. But I'll update, for those who care.

Hevyn

Yes please do! We care, and want to know how it's going. Talk to you tomorrow.

Polaroid

Woke up today feeling awful, like I knew I would - it's what's become so usual.

I'm so sick of this routine. Mainly I felt pretty violent shakes in my entire body (but they have been worse before), and tension in the back&shoulder area. Those are the physical symptoms - the anxiety is the absolute worst.

I'll admit... and hate to tell you that I had two drinks after I woke up to calm my nerves. So I cannot say day 1 just yet...

I've read a few stories here on how withdrawals don't hit you until something like 3 days after you quit? Mine are pretty much instant, and I'm having withdrawal symtoms even though I apparently still have alcohol in my blood. I have a breathalyzer that I bought last week, tried it out before I had my drink, and I got a reading of 1.1‰ (we measure in permil here so it would be 0.11%) - And I'm thinking, really? 0.11 and I still have bad withdrawal symptoms?

I'm sick of waking up feeling like sh...
An I'm sick of depending on alcohol to get through the day.

Being very compulsive... as in for example hoarding, I've taken care of nearly every receipt from the liquor store for the last year. I'd like to calculate how much I've actually spent on booze. I know it would definately not be a small amount, and it makes so much sense right? Using tons of cash just to destroy my mind and body...

That store spawned by the devil itself is open for another hour. And well, you can only guess what I'm thinking...

One proven fact though is; the less I drink today, the better I'll feel tomorrow.



So well, my plan of action for today is to drink as little as I can endure, and try to wean myself off. Distractions... video games, photography, reading, cleaning, whatever... just to keep my mind off alcohol.

At least I had my first meal today after two days of not eating at all.


Again, thanks for your replies. Reading them, and other posts here on SR gives me more motivation to quit. Waking up in agony, I just couldn't today, though.. =/

Hevyn

Polaroid - Take comfort in knowing this never has to happen again. You are obviously so disgusted & miserable with the predictable chain of events. It's the perfect time to rid yourself of this poison and start a new life.

I did the drinking in the morning thing for years. I eventually drank all day. If I didn't "top off" what was in my system on a regular basis, I'd start to shake. How insane is that? So I took it to work with me - it was my constant companion. Once I got over the shakes & panicky feelings of withdrawal - I was so relieved to be free of the constant worry over where my next drink would come from.

I hope you're through waking up feeling awful, and sick of the routine enough to reclaim your life. You aren't alone.

Polaroid

Sounds like me. Alcohol has been my companion for too long now, but it's a very subtle backstabber - worst "friend" you could ever have.

This is the point where I have not gotten to yet, but really wish I could.

sissy07

Polaroid,

I am pulling for you. Please keep us updated. I am sorry you are having to go through this....positive energy is being sent your way. Please take care.

Polaroid

What a life. What a great life. Rewind 2-3 years back and I would not be sarcastic saying that.

Again I needed some "eye-openers" after I woke up. What's up with the tension and feeling of ants running through my shoulders? I've had four drinks today (it's 10pm now), just to keep my anxiety and shakes at bay.

I started logging my drinks about 4 months ago, and looking through them, the last day I actually had none at all was in November, on the 8th where I didn't drink at all.

At the 20th of Dec I had another chance at quitting. Being well through the withdrawals and on my way to getting sober, I gave in...
Those are the first two. They eventually turned into a major relapse.

As long as I reduce my consumption, I'll get to that point again where the withdrawals aren't that bad, but I know I'll get bad cravings... I won't be dependent on alcohol, like I feel I am right now. But I'll know I will want it... badly.

So I guess I'll just keep reading here to give me some more strength to not give in once again.

Just an update... a mess of one, I guess.

Hevyn

Well, you aren't giving up - that's encouraging. In the early days it seems we'll never rise above it, but we can and do.

Sapling

What makes you think you won't be dependent on alcohol?...I mean it sounds like once you start...You have a hard time stopping...right?

Polaroid

I mean I won't be phsycially dependent as I feel I am now, as in releving the shakes and tension...

I guess the whole question relies on semantics, I see dependency as physical and addiction as phsycological.

Once I get through the withdrawals, do I need alcohol? No, I don't. My alcoholic mind is telling me; you want a buzz..., so go ahead, have some drinks. While my body is probably screaming "No, for God's sake, don't poison me any more..."

Thank you both. It's past midnight here, which means it's March... the month I hopefully can say Ive been sober for a double digit amount of days.

Polaroid

Again, I was well on my way to getting sober... On Monday, 4 days ago, all I had during the day was a single beer. I was pretty much through the worst of the withdrawals, the shakes began to ease, i had two mornings where I did NOT actually wake up in sweats... Of course, I started getting real depressed, and then I go again, on a three day bender... just drinking and barely eating anything... and now I'm really feeling the aftermath. Having awful anxiety and I'm panting. Seriously, what is is going to take for me to get it?

I'm in for another rough few days... yet again. Unless I choose to buy more tomorrow, just to postpone it... *sigh*

Sorry for not listening to you guys. Well, I did listen, it played a big role in motivating me to quit, getting me down to one single beer on Monday... the lowest consumption I've had in months, but my addictive personality eventually took over. I'm apparently powerless over alcohol.

2012 was supposed to be a better year than 2011. So far, it has not been going that well.

I just want to be fine, like I was two years ago, before I started drinking. Absolutely sick of this addiction. I'm totally delusional, as in how I feel it is right now, the only way I'd feel fine is to drink.

Maybe I'm rambling, I just had to get it out... I'm kinda tired of just talking to myself.

sugarbear1

I'm listening. Why not go to a doctor and find out about possibly detoxing with medical help and then find a plan or program to focus on?

Purplecatlover

Honey, you've got to do something to change. The magic sober fairy isn't going to appear & take this away. You've got to get serious in quitting.
Go to detox, rehab, AA, read some books, something.
Just sitting around hoping you won't drink isn't cutting it.

You can't do this on your own. Put as much energy into staying sober as you do drinking.
I had to make the choice I was gonna do WHATEVER it took to get sober.
Was it hard? Yes. Did I like it? No! But I did it b/c I deserve to live & I was going to die if I kept on. You deserve to be free.
But only you can make it happen. You have to do the work.
I'm rooting for you. I hate to see people suffer needlessly.
Keep us posted.

jocata

You made one change by opening up and posting here. Now you have to make more positive changes. If AA is not your thing, research other methods people use on this website. Start implementing them in your life. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You are just chasing your tail with what you are doing now.

God bless.

Polaroid

Thanks... and... rationally thinking, that would absolutely be the best course of action, but my worried mind is still being very, very hesitant. How embarrassing is it to sit in the waiting room with 10 other people... me having the awful shakes and sweats... Not to mention trying to be brutally honest with my doc in regards to my drinking... on top of my Klonopin intake... he's probably not heard worse.


Things have gotten bad though. I'm drinking myself into depression. As my grandfather did (RIP), fueled by the loss of his wife.


You're being harshfully right. I need to do something for things to change. I'm absolutely miserable living this way. I feel miserable sober too, with the escalated anxiety and depression... that's why i go back to drinking (makes a lot of sense, right...). Then again i haven't gone many days sober to see if things eventually get better.

We have free healthcare here... and i do have a great support system... being the humble person that I am, I just don't take advantage of it. I COULD call an emergency number right now and I'd probably be in detox within an hour... but honestly, it's a scary thought. I want to do this at home. Which I nearly did earlier this week, but ended up caving yet again..

Thanks. And I do indeed think AA is not my thing... First, I'm not really religious, second, the closest meetings are way too far away from here


So tt's Saturday... and tonight my sisters will probably beg me to come into their house to do some 3DS multiplaying (I bough both of them one each for x-mas). It's kinda become a weekly tradition. Will I feel up for it tonight though... I don't think so... Also, my oldest sis' birthday is in 6 days, turning 12. I hope I'll feel better by then, and I could, if I just stop drinking right now.

I'm not a vulgar, violent, vicious drunk. In my two year "career", I've hurt no one aside from myself (self harm). It just seems to lift my mood, release anxiety and make me more confident. Short term effects, of course... in the long term it's just messing my head up and making my anxiety and depression 10 times worse.

Another rambly rant, but thanks guys for still listening... and your replies. I'll get through this... somehow... I really vision inpatient detox if I keep going like this.

soberlicious

Polaroid, I did the Klonopin/alcohol thing too. I'm going to be blunt here. It will kill you. I think a medical detox is in order, regardless of your fears. After that, there are some really excellent threads in the secular section of SR that you may consider looking at. AVRT is a secular approach that may work well for you...worth looking into. Lastly, you may want to look closely at this statement:
I found that not to be true, even though I truly believed it at one point in time. Your family surely misses you being "fully present".

Polaroid

So I went to the hospital. I did a call and was in there in about 1:30hrs.

After just one night though, I chose to leave. I was in the "observation" unit. With approx 8 cords attached to me (ECG, blood pressure and whatelse) while being in withdrawal, I felt imprisoned. The ECG and blood pressure was fine, but apparently my liver has felt some trauma from the poison. And as I knew, my vitamin b12 levels are very low. In the words of the doc; taking vitamin B complex does not cut it. I will need shots.

Now, not being very good at verbally conveying things, due to my social anxiety, I've written some basic and crucial information down which I'll bring with me in the (likely) case I go there again.

I'm in a completely panicky state right now, just kinda waiting for my heart to go "that's enough". I can't even tell anymore if I'm being rational feeling that way, or if it's just anxiety...

soberlicious

I had several breaks with reality while on klonopin/alcohol. Please get medical attention. Follow their advice, stay the course, and sort the rest out later after a medical detox.

Dee74

I agree with the others Polaroid - I know all about anxiety, and I know all about the shame we feel having let things get this bad...

but you already know you need more help with this than yourself can provide.

Be smart Polaroid

D

Polaroid

You're close to talking me into it... in the last few days I've kinda had some drinks spaced out throughout the day to keep my withdrawal symptoms in check. I'm trying to wean myself off. I'm also doing a rapid Klonopin taper as I'm running out. ... but I have my doubts if it will work.

It just feels safer here at home where I have alcohol available if I start feeling terrible...

I'm scared out of my mind of the inevitable withdrawals.. this time it feels like it's worse than ever before.

I broke down and started crying after I read my sister's reply to my birthday greeting to her. she had a great day. hopefully i can be there for her 13th, and my younger sister's 9th in september I'm not one to cry... but worrying I'll die... it just... i don't know. i don't want to lose my 2 sisters. I want to see them grow up and keep a sober eye on them.

Even did a prayer though I'm not religious. Please, let me get through this alive.

I'd have to make the call (sigh... yet again... well at least I'm giving them a job... - and I guess that's the exact reason the taxes on alcohol here are so high)

This stuff is wearing me out...