Sapling

I wouldn't give up on that...That's what got me into AA...There are ways out of this mess...You should look into them.

soberlicious

It's time, Polaroid. You can walk free.

Do what you need to do. Be the man you know you can be.

ps. just guessing at gender, sorry if I offended

desertsong

If you're worn out, then you're ready. That's the moment of surrender ... when you know you just can't do this anymore. Give in. It's time.

sugarbear1

Please help yourself! You can do this, at least find a meeting so you can talk to people who know what you are going through!

Dee74

Do it, Polaroid

D

Hevyn

There's a better life waiting for you Polaroid - we promise.

Polaroid

Guess you're right... especially my mother has calmly expressed her concern. And I miss myself being fully present too.


But I can't do what I consider myself I'm good at, when I'm intoxicated. This goes especially for web&app development. I can't do any proper programming when my mind is not clear... gosh.

I don't know what is with me. It seems like... I have to drag myself further into the mud to finally give up. I keep thinking I can do this myself, and my tendency is to do as much as I can myself before I give in. I've already stolen enough from the tax payers/government. I was inpatient for four months in late 2010 (for my anxiety/depression, not for alcoholism). It helped... but not enough, apparently. As it was an open institution I occasionally sneaked out for a quick trip to the liquor store and brought a small bottle of vodka back to my room. If I had been drinking though, the staff could tell... not by my behaviour, but by looking at my eyes(?)

Honestly, right now I feel sobriety sucks. I will miss the confidence, the "time out" from my issues. But thinking opposite, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. In not too long I'd add yet another "sick and tired" in front of that.

That's why I'm so hesitant... I was already inpatient for 4 months. I really don't want to again. I'm not saying it was hell... I'm saying things were out of MY control... which I hate... The biggest mistake I made when I got discharged was to immediately start drinking on a daily basis again.

I've run out of Klonopin, I'm not able to get anymore at this time and the only option to relieve myself from the distress is the booze.

I'm completely spilling my guts here... something that is new for me, even online. I guess it's because I think I've hit rock bottom. But also I'm thinking; "what goes up, must come down. but what goes down, doesn't necessarily come back up?". I think the "party" is soon to be over...

Might call an emergency number. I don't know. I really don't know if I'm overreacting or if I am a "qualified 'emergency case'". Even if, how can I make them understand? I've got no proof I've consumed an average of 7-8mg of Klonopin/day in the last 6 months. The only proof I have are empty pill bottles... They'll probably think I'm making it up just to get some drugs. Not to mention I've been drinking daily. Too much of that too. On the other hand, that last time I was in the hospital for withdrawals, both the doctor and a nurse tried to talk me into staying. But it was my dumb choice to leave. I just thought I couldn't make them understand the overall situation I'm in.

Another anecdote... I measure my drinks, and this last bottle of vodka I had measured exactly 113 grams. 113 is the emergency number for an ambulance here. Probably a coincidence, but I won't deny I thought it was some sort of sign.

Maybe I'm just being selfish... seeing how half of the sentences of this post start with 'I'.

Okay, this was a long post. I'm just really distressed, but I'll stop now.

sissy07

Polaroid,

You are not selfish and you are not wasting taxpayer dollars. You sound like such a good guy....I hate that you are in "the cycle". I have been there for long periods of time. I have depression and anxiety too. That is a bad combination, I know. Please get some help - and maybe just accept being out of control for awhile. You are really not in control now. Go get sober, find out how your health is, get back into life. I wish there was something I could do to help. I think I understand how you feel. Take care and take some action. Best wishes.

Dee74

Sissy's advice is great Polaroid.

You;re not bad or evil or a drain...you just need some help.
It's hard to get perspective when you're right in the middle of enveloping darkness...

whatever you have to do to get some help to bring you back to the light - whether it's your Dr, a counsellor, AA SMART or some other group or another stint at rehab - do it...get yourself out of the cycle - for good.

If I can do it, you can

D

Polaroid

This is NOT gonna work. Trying to detox myself. I'm absolutely 100% sure. Condidering how my high Klonopin consumption has been, as well as drinking, things cannot go well unless I get medical help.

I'm starting sweating even though I've had drinks. This hasn't happened before, I don't know... might be my body trying to detox itself? Maybe it's becuase of the the VERY rapid taper of benzos I've done in the past couple weeks.

DDE (Valim daily dose equivalent) for the last five weeks is: 220 - 74 - 81 - 34 - 31 - I made this program where I logged all of my benzo consumption, that's where I got it from.

Yeah I definitely think I need to go back to the hospital. For a second time...

Gosh, I'm totally worn out now... my hand is on my forehead just wondering what the hell to do....

Thanks for your replies, but the problem is I'm so gosh damn humble.

Polaroid

Sissy (well I bet I'm more than a sissy than you are)
Thanks for your consideration and concern. You really seem like a good person as well.

By the way, what breed is that in your picture? We've got a standard poodle. She's bigger than both of my sisters!

seethefuture

Please go to the hospital - you are not stealing from anyone by taking care of yourself. Health services are there for those who need them - and you do.

Take care!

langkah

If you need to do another hospital stay, why not do that? Keep trying everything you can think of to stay stopped, except for things that might hurt you or interfere with gaining a clear mind so you can begin to see what's happened in your life due to your drinking.

Keep trying hard.