whiskeyjoe

I celebrated 6 months a few weeks ago. While I am proud of myself, it seems like I've hit some sort of slump. There's a couple of reasons why, but maybe someone can chime in with any of their experience.

1. My sponsor. I think it's time to get a new one. I don't call him that often, sometimes less than once a month. Every time we try to meet up something comes up. We've only met up once in the past 6 months. Our schedules are just too conflicting. He's got this weird work schedule and pulls last minute changes all the time. He's a good guy and all and he's got a lot of good things to say, but I think I need someone else who can meet up with me more often.

2. I withdraw. I haven't been real big on fellowshipping. I'm the guy at the meeting that will say a few things about whatever the reading is or maybe talk about some of the things that have been going on with me just to get it off my chest. Once the meeting is over I might say hello to a few people and shake a few hands, but then I'm out of there. I have a real hard time striking up a conversation with people and not too many people approach me. I've gotten tons of phone numbers as a newcomer, but I never use them.

#1 is relatively new for me. I only decided to get a new sponsor last week and so far I really haven't found anyone that I'd be comfortable with. So I'll keep looking.

Regarding #2, I was thinking that more action on my part would help me out. So I thought, with all these phone numbers, maybe I should start reaching out to others. My sponsor always told me that it's alright to call other people besides him if I have a problem. The thing is I have a hard time differentiating what is a good reason to call someone. I've really only called people (actually just my sponsor and my first sponsor) when the s*#t is about to hit the fan. Any other time I think that I might want to call someone I think that I'm just bothering them. Lately I've been trying to come up with good reasons to call, but nothing seems to be popping up. I don't want to come off as whiny and just unload my problems on a stranger.

I have more to say about this, but I don't know how to put it in the right words right now.

Sapling

I don't know...Your old sponsor sounds pretty much non existant...You've met with him once in six months?? I take it you haven't made much progress working the steps...See if you can find someone that knows the Big Book and has taken some people through the steps...Might not be a bad way to use those phone numbers...Call a few people...Introduce yourself...Tell them what you are looking for....Kill two birds with one stone....It's a good way to meet some people and if you get the same name from a few of them...That could be your guy....It is an action program...But it works if you work it.

Zebra1275

I text my sponsor 10 times more than I call him. Times have changed I guess.

lbern

Thanks for posting this. I totally relate to you in terms of lack of fellowshipping. I don't really do it. I don't know if it's my social anxiety or I just feel too shy or awkward or what...but yeah, after a meeting I do the same thing. I never call anyone even though I have a handful of numbers from when I was new. I am interested to see what other people have to say about this.

-L

Anna

And, don't forget you can always come to SR and post.

miamifella

At least you got numbers. So there must be something about you that engages people. I gave out my number so many times hoping to get numbers in return. It never happened. The only numbers I ever was able to get were from my sponsors.

So you are ahead of the game in terms of fellowshipping (as far as I can see).

But I understand the artificiality of the situation. If I ever did get anyone's number, I would be like you. What do you say? The only thing you have in common is a desire for the thing you both want to avoid.

I found my support among people outside the program. There were no rules about what I could and could not say so that made it easier.

I really think that it is important to talk about addiction/recovery---but it is hard to be honest with people in this program. So is there anyone outside...a long-time friend perhaps...that you can be open with?

Sapling

That's basically why they have you call....To get used to using the phone and talking...before you drink....Not after. One alcoholic helping another alcoholic...That's what it's about. It also has to do with following directions..What are you willing to do....How thoroughly can you follow the path....My sponsor told me to call him every night...He didn't care what time...I did it....I didn't text him..I called him. After 90 days...Having gone through the steps with him and calling every night....He said you don't have to call me every night anymore...I was willing to do what I had to do to get sober....After 35+ years of drinking...I stopped...I have seven months sober and I got it on the first try...Not one relapse...That's how bad I wanted it. Now I just have to practice what I learned in the steps...And I never have to drink again. And I have peace....That's an awesome feeling.

miamifella

If you can find people like Sapling's sponsor that is great.

But if you cannot find a sponsor or people in the program like that, you still have to find someone.

I did give up. It was terrible. But eventually I figured that if I could not find anyone at meetings who would help, I had to find someone outside.

Difficulty in a 12-step program is not permission to fail at recovery. (Sorry to write such a drill sergent-ish sentence, but at one time I did think it was permission...I don't want you to fall into the same trap.)

IndaMiricale

Ditto from what sampling said , its about following direction and handling responsiblity. and with talking and sharing you have to become totally honest.

And like Anna said you do always have us at SR , keep on your awesome journey.

Good love, Inda

Threshold

About calling. If people don't have time to talk, they won't answer. Leave a message and they might call you back later. Most of the time when I called people, they ended up telling me what was going on with them! You are helping them out by letting them know someone's thinking of them, and reaching out.

You don't need a reason beyond wanting for create a recovery network for yourself. That's the reason, then if you're having a rough day, you have some folks you're familiar with.

sugarbear1

call to say hello!

keithj

AA without the Steps (which is what you are doing) is very limited in it's value.

The 12 Steps, on the other hand, can transform a life.

NoelleR

I just wanted to add a bit to what sugarbear1 and Threshold had to say..............:

sugarbear1 said, "call to say hello!" and

Threshold said, "...About calling. If people don't have time to talk, they won't answer. Leave a message and they might call you back later. Most of the time when I called people, they ended up telling me what was going on with them! You are helping them out by letting them know someone's thinking of them, and reaching out.
You don't need a reason beyond wanting for create a recovery network for yourself. That's the reason, then if you're having a rough day, you have some folks you're familiar with."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was new in recovery, my sponsor had two 'rules' for me.....: 1) get at least two new phone numbers from each meeting I attended; and 2) phone, and speak with, at least three recovery folks daily.

#1 wasn't too hard, but #2 could be a problem, as these had to be at least a minimal conversation; no-answers, busy signals, and leaving a message didn't count. The fewer phone numbers I had the harder this was, but a call to our area AA Intergroup was always a given.......

.....about what to say.....? I had a li'll dialogue I could read from.....: "Hi, this is_____________(insert name here), and this is one of my AA phone calls for the day." At this point I'd just hang-up, unless the other person started to speak, thus the beginning of a real conversation...........


(o:
NoelleR

camedown

This has been a tough one for me. I call my sponsor almost daily, but am so hesitant about calling others. My sponsor gave me a list of strong guys from his homegroup, and I've called and met a couple, but I just can't work it into a daily routine. They have all been great guys and all, but the fear is just there. I should note I have horrendous social anxiety. I think it is just one more thing i fear, and that i need to step into it one foot at a time. If you find an easier solution, please let me know. :P


camedown

augustwest

The following is *just my opinion*

If i don't talk to my sponsor regularly, see him regularly, see him in meetings, and work steps with him, then i don't have a sponsor.

This is a 12-step program. The program is the 12-steps. I have to have a sponsor to do these steps.

It took three tries to find a sponsor who has the time and scheduling similarities to be able to take me through this process in a focused manner. We talk multiple times a week and meet once a week to do work. Getting this sponsor is the best decision i've made in my recovery.

As far as calling people i did it at first because i was told to. After a while, when some **** was hitting the fan for me and i called someone i realized why they had me calling people from the start. It wasn't hard picking up that phone when i was about to go get high because i had developed a habit of calling people in recovery.

Calling people helped me make friends. Service work did too. I felt horribly awkward talking after a meeting with the guys, but cleaning coffe pots and putting away chairs i could do, and people struck up conversations with me in the process. Win-Win.

bostonluv

Even though my sponsor isn't "the right one" I still call her every morning and try to make it around the same time each day. You should be physically meeting with your sponsor often. There's no reason you can't find a new sponsor and dialing numbers will help. Just call and say you're practicing picking up the phone and starting a conversation. They'll love it!

Sounds like you'd be a good candidate for some service work like being a "greeter" at a meeting. Or find a small group that doesn't get a lot of people in it and needs your help and enthusiasm. I found one last night that I am going to offer service work for because it's so small. Just Jump In!

Remember this is your program.

whiskeyjoe

That's true. I don't come to this place often, but I see it as being similar to calling others. It doesn't feel the same as talking face to face with another in person. That's just me though. It's like it's my 2nd preference after getting together with someone.

Yeah I have friends outside the program, but I'm reluctant to talk with them about this sort of thing. I've been burned in the past.


Funny thing, I was actively looking for a new sponsor since I posted this. I went to a bunch of meetings and was talking to people about it. Then my sponsor calls me out of the blue and says that he feels like he's letting me down as a sponsor and wants to try to keep things going. So we get together on Thursday to go over Step 2. We sat and talked for a couple of hours. Went to a meeting on Friday and got a chance to hang out with a bunch of people afterwards at the house of a husband and wife who have people over all the time.

So it seems like a things have turned around. I'll be careful to see how things go with my sponsor and whether or not we start meeting more regularly.

Even though I only addressed two responses to this topic I did read what everyone had to write and I appreciate everything that everyone has said.

StPeteGrad

I make phone calls regularly because it is good for me. It is a very small piece of my program that goes a long way to help me live a 24/7 program of recovery.

Many times I'll make a few calls on my way to work in the morning just to wish people a happy day. I've heard time and again how much it is appreciated and helped them have a great day. In these impromptu calls I have no agenda other than just trying to keep connected. We all like to know we matter to others whether we send or receive the call. If no answer, I just leave a message. I'll do the same with email.

Regarding the sponsor situation it's surely time to find someone else to work with. I'm sure your current one is a good person but I also had to change sponsors for many of the same reasons.

When I was searching for a new one I made sure he was someone that went to meetings in the same time of day as me (work compatible). I also listened to quite a few on speaker nights to find one that most closely told my story and has a life that I can admire. My sponsor now has 26 years of sobriety and practices the principles in his everyday life. He gives me latitude in my own program and doesn't dictate how I do things but is ready at the instant I need guidance. We don't talk everyday but mostly because we hold similar jobs that are quite demanding of our time and energy. If more than 5 days goes by one of us will reach out to the other.

From the sounds of things you have a VERY good grasp of your program of recovery. We are both still in early recovery and I've learned I just need to do the things that those with long-term sobriety do. I figure if it works for them it might also work for me.

Thank you for the very encouraging post and keep up the good work.