Selfish
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Selfish
I'm watching the play-off game at my boyfriend's house. He invited some friends over and they're all drinking. I just feel grumpy and annoyed. They're talking about the alcohol content of certain drinks, debating which kind of drink is the cheapest bang for the buck (apparently it's some gross-sounding flavored malt beverage), sharing stories of drunken escapades, etc. I just feel... I don't even know what. Part of me wishes I could be drinking with them, and I feel unfairly left out (which is dumb, because it's my choice). An even bigger part of me, knowing that I won't drink no matter what, just feels like, I don't want to always have to be around alcohol!! I wish I had a boyfriend and friends who didn't drink. But they do, and I know it's not my place to try to change them.
I just feel selfish. I mean, I don't know if I should stay away when he is drinking with people (in which case I will still feel left out, and it will still be my choice), or if I should just put up with these crappy feelings, or if there's some better way to deal with this. To make things worse, the way that I'll feel when I'm around people who are drinking is really unpredictable. Sometimes I'll have fun sober... even more fun than when I was drinking. Other times I feel like this, and it sucks. I feel like it's probably best to just not put myself in these situations, at least not until I can better predict how I'll feel in them. But that would mean just disappearing from my boyfriend and friends/social events a lot!!
Does anyone have any advice?
I just feel selfish. I mean, I don't know if I should stay away when he is drinking with people (in which case I will still feel left out, and it will still be my choice), or if I should just put up with these crappy feelings, or if there's some better way to deal with this. To make things worse, the way that I'll feel when I'm around people who are drinking is really unpredictable. Sometimes I'll have fun sober... even more fun than when I was drinking. Other times I feel like this, and it sucks. I feel like it's probably best to just not put myself in these situations, at least not until I can better predict how I'll feel in them. But that would mean just disappearing from my boyfriend and friends/social events a lot!!
Does anyone have any advice?
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Yeah...Tell him you are too new in your sobriety to hang around while he's drinking with his friends....Do something else...Hang out with one of your non-drinking friends...Go to a movie...I don't know....Plan something that will make you feel more comfortable. I would hope he would understand that.
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Be selfish (that is a good thing)...it is your recovery and your program that you are guarding. Maybe as a suggestion and as Sapling mentioned - do you have any friends that do not drink - that you may be able to go shopping, movie or dinner with when events such as this take place?
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Originally Posted by Sapling 
Yeah...Tell him you are too new in your sobriety to hang around while he's drinking with his friends....Do something else...Hang out with one of your non-drinking friends...Go to a movie...I don't know....Plan something that will make you feel more comfortable. I would hope he would understand that.
The funny thing is that I have been in situations where he and other people are drinking that I can't easily 'get out of'--- visiting my family who live far away, New Year's Eve party, his birthday party, etc., and I have stayed strong so I don't fear relapse but I just plain don't like to be around it sometimes. My fear is that he drinks so much that, if I always seclude myself from him when he's drinking, I will never see him! Example, after this we are going up to a ski resort to ski for his birthday which was on Thursday. Well, he will be tipsy or perhaps drunk in the car. Then when we get up to the resort he will likely drink more with his brother. Tomorrow when we are skiing they will be drinking. I want it to not bother me, but it's just plain weird to hang out with someone drunk when I'm sober! Yet it would also be hard to never do stuff with him when he's drinking. So I am still trying to learn what boundaries to put in place, and how.
Thank you for your help.
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Originally Posted by recoverywfaith
Be selfish (that is a good thing)...it is your recovery and your program that you are guarding. Maybe as a suggestion - do you have any friends that do not drink - that you may be able to go out to dinner with when events such as this take place?
If it weren't for AA, I'd go super crazy. All my family members live far away (and many of them drink), and all my friends here drink. I do have some who don't drink that much/often and who are supportive of my recovery or don't really care because it doesn't affect them. I guess I should get used to calling them up last minute and asking if they're free. In addition to taking advantage of the AA support.
ETA- Perhaps my worry/fear is also that if I'm always calling other people to get away from drinking because my boyfriend is drinking... what kind of a relationship will we have? :-(
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Originally Posted by Pigtails
So I am still trying to learn what boundaries to put in place, and how.
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I can be around people drinking now and it doesn't faze me - I never notice (drunkenness is another matter, but thats another thread...)
The point is it took some work, some time and patience to get here for me.
I was angry, resentful, POed, annoyed and outraged at various points along the journey too....
I'd try not to leap ahead too far because, frankly, noone knows what what their life or relationships will be like in July 2012 say...everybody changes - and that applies to boyfriends and non alcoholics as much as it does to us
If today you feel like you don't want to be there? don't be
D
The point is it took some work, some time and patience to get here for me.
I was angry, resentful, POed, annoyed and outraged at various points along the journey too....
I'd try not to leap ahead too far because, frankly, noone knows what what their life or relationships will be like in July 2012 say...everybody changes - and that applies to boyfriends and non alcoholics as much as it does to us
If today you feel like you don't want to be there? don't be
D
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Pigtails,
I think you said something that is key: Perhaps my worry/fear is also that if I'm always calling other people to get away from drinking because my boyfriend is drinking... what kind of a relationship will we have?
I would ask you, "What kind of relationship do you have -- right here, right now -- if so much of your boyfriend's time and activities are centered around drinking? Is it healthy for you? Is that the type of relationship that you want?
These are difficult questions to contemplate. I think you are wise to realize that you cannot change him and that you cannot expect him not to drink for your sake. It is sounding as if you are not comfortable with how much and how frequently he drinks.
Susan
I think you said something that is key: Perhaps my worry/fear is also that if I'm always calling other people to get away from drinking because my boyfriend is drinking... what kind of a relationship will we have?
I would ask you, "What kind of relationship do you have -- right here, right now -- if so much of your boyfriend's time and activities are centered around drinking? Is it healthy for you? Is that the type of relationship that you want?
These are difficult questions to contemplate. I think you are wise to realize that you cannot change him and that you cannot expect him not to drink for your sake. It is sounding as if you are not comfortable with how much and how frequently he drinks.
Susan
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Originally Posted by susanlauren
Pigtails,
I think you said something that is key: Perhaps my worry/fear is also that if I'm always calling other people to get away from drinking because my boyfriend is drinking... what kind of a relationship will we have?
I would ask you, "What kind of relationship do you have -- right here, right now -- if so much of your boyfriend's time and activities are centered around drinking? Is it healthy for you? Is that the type of relationship that you want?
These are difficult questions to contemplate. I think you are wise to realize that you cannot change him and that you cannot expect him not to drink for your sake. It is sounding as if you are not comfortable with how much and how frequently he drinks.
Susan
I think you said something that is key: Perhaps my worry/fear is also that if I'm always calling other people to get away from drinking because my boyfriend is drinking... what kind of a relationship will we have?
I would ask you, "What kind of relationship do you have -- right here, right now -- if so much of your boyfriend's time and activities are centered around drinking? Is it healthy for you? Is that the type of relationship that you want?
These are difficult questions to contemplate. I think you are wise to realize that you cannot change him and that you cannot expect him not to drink for your sake. It is sounding as if you are not comfortable with how much and how frequently he drinks.
Susan
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Your situation is hard. If you BF drinks often with his friends your relationship could very well change. yare asking realistic questions. That's all I can offer. My spouse doesn't drink in front of me and we don't have alcohol in the house. It's to keep me alive. I know my situation is probably unusual though. 
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Originally Posted by 1undone
Your situation is hard. If you BF drinks often with his friends your relationship could very well change. yare asking realistic questions. That's all I can offer. My spouse doesn't drink in front of me and we don't have alcohol in the house. It's to keep me alive. I know my situation is probably unusual though.
ETA - A friend just said "This tequila is pretty good," and my boyfriend said, "Yeah, it evaporated on my tongue," and I just feel like, really? This is definitely not the best way for me to be happy about being sober!!!!
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Originally Posted by 1undone
I would say good night, go home and chill. They are doing "guy" things. If you've been there for a while and they are lit they won't much care. LOL. I'd be drinking and messed up if I stayed there. YIKES!!!!
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You must be on the west coast. It's almost 9:30 here, I'm not going anywhere LOL
Hang in there! Just keep posting. Is anyone in the chat room or are you on a phone? You are in a tough spot on this one! I take it you're driving...
Hang in there! Just keep posting. Is anyone in the chat room or are you on a phone? You are in a tough spot on this one! I take it you're driving...
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1undone- I'm in the Southwest. When I was posting before, we were still at my boyfriend's house. We didn't leave till 9, ha ha. Now we are in a hotel. It took me a little over 3 hours of driving to get here. Tomorrow we ski. Thanks for the responses. I've been thinking about all of this a lot.
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I keep asking myself whether I'm pushing my own issues onto him, and maybe I am, but it's just how I feel sometimes. :-/
Actually based upon what you have said and from an outsiders perspective, it sounds as if your boyfriend has his own issues with drinking. Have you considered that what he considers normal social drinking may not be normal social drinking? Most people don't care all that much about alcohol and drinking -- it is a drink or two with dinner and an evening out or at a social event. Maybe it is a matter of you being able to recognize that things aren't what you thought they were now that you are no longer drinking.
I'm just feeling like I am boring and my life is all about recovery/AA and that is stupid to normal people. I feel like some kind of a freak. But it's not like anyone is making me feel like that, it's just some internal thing. I guess because if it were up to me, no one would ever be drinking! I know this is unrealistic and I know I have to live in the real world and I can't control other people/the circumstances, but, I feel like any option sucks. Secluding myself/only being around AA people would suck, but being around people who are drinking a lot sucks too. It's not like they're just drinking a beer or two, they are doing shots with liquor chasers (?!) and here I sit totally sober... it's just weird. I am just having really negative feelings right now but I don't see a long-term solution because nothing sounds like a better alternative.
No we can't control what others do or don't do. People are going to drink if that is what they want to do -- some socially, some abusively and some alcoholically. AA is not a temperance society and is not striving to bring back Prohibition. There is no animosity in AA or among AA members against drinking as an institution. It (drinking) is simply not for us who have a problem with it. I know I would feel alone and out of place if everyone around me were focused on drinking and I were the only one who was sober. And I honestly wouldn't enjoy watching others get tipsy and drunk.
I think there are a whole lot more options than being secluded in AA vs. being around heavy drinkers. There is an entire world of activities that are fun and rewarding which do not involve drinking and which do not involve recovery. Volunteer at a local nursing home or for Big Brothers/Big Sisters, take up a hobby, take a class at the local community college, learn a new language, join a bike club or a hiking group or a nature group, walk the dogs at the local animal shelter, be part of a community garden, join a book club, join a fitness club/gym, take dance lessons, learn Tia Chi .... the list is endless.
Are you boring? Or is the one track song track -- lets get together and drink as the social outlet and social activity -- boring? Honestly, I would find a lot more enjoyment in the activities I listed above as compared to "watching the game and getting drunk", "going skiing and getting drunk", "getting together with friends and getting drunk", "going out to dinner and getting drunk", etc. Well you get the idea.
Actually based upon what you have said and from an outsiders perspective, it sounds as if your boyfriend has his own issues with drinking. Have you considered that what he considers normal social drinking may not be normal social drinking? Most people don't care all that much about alcohol and drinking -- it is a drink or two with dinner and an evening out or at a social event. Maybe it is a matter of you being able to recognize that things aren't what you thought they were now that you are no longer drinking.
I'm just feeling like I am boring and my life is all about recovery/AA and that is stupid to normal people. I feel like some kind of a freak. But it's not like anyone is making me feel like that, it's just some internal thing. I guess because if it were up to me, no one would ever be drinking! I know this is unrealistic and I know I have to live in the real world and I can't control other people/the circumstances, but, I feel like any option sucks. Secluding myself/only being around AA people would suck, but being around people who are drinking a lot sucks too. It's not like they're just drinking a beer or two, they are doing shots with liquor chasers (?!) and here I sit totally sober... it's just weird. I am just having really negative feelings right now but I don't see a long-term solution because nothing sounds like a better alternative.
No we can't control what others do or don't do. People are going to drink if that is what they want to do -- some socially, some abusively and some alcoholically. AA is not a temperance society and is not striving to bring back Prohibition. There is no animosity in AA or among AA members against drinking as an institution. It (drinking) is simply not for us who have a problem with it. I know I would feel alone and out of place if everyone around me were focused on drinking and I were the only one who was sober. And I honestly wouldn't enjoy watching others get tipsy and drunk.
I think there are a whole lot more options than being secluded in AA vs. being around heavy drinkers. There is an entire world of activities that are fun and rewarding which do not involve drinking and which do not involve recovery. Volunteer at a local nursing home or for Big Brothers/Big Sisters, take up a hobby, take a class at the local community college, learn a new language, join a bike club or a hiking group or a nature group, walk the dogs at the local animal shelter, be part of a community garden, join a book club, join a fitness club/gym, take dance lessons, learn Tia Chi .... the list is endless.
Are you boring? Or is the one track song track -- lets get together and drink as the social outlet and social activity -- boring? Honestly, I would find a lot more enjoyment in the activities I listed above as compared to "watching the game and getting drunk", "going skiing and getting drunk", "getting together with friends and getting drunk", "going out to dinner and getting drunk", etc. Well you get the idea.
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Originally Posted by susanlauren
I keep asking myself whether I'm pushing my own issues onto him, and maybe I am, but it's just how I feel sometimes. :-/
Actually based upon what you have said and from an outsiders perspective, it sounds as if your boyfriend has his own issues with drinking. Have you considered that what he considers normal social drinking may not be normal social drinking? Most people don't care all that much about alcohol and drinking -- it is a drink or two with dinner and an evening out or at a social event. Maybe it is a matter of you being able to recognize that things aren't what you thought they were now that you are no longer drinking.
I'm just feeling like I am boring and my life is all about recovery/AA and that is stupid to normal people. I feel like some kind of a freak. But it's not like anyone is making me feel like that, it's just some internal thing. I guess because if it were up to me, no one would ever be drinking! I know this is unrealistic and I know I have to live in the real world and I can't control other people/the circumstances, but, I feel like any option sucks. Secluding myself/only being around AA people would suck, but being around people who are drinking a lot sucks too. It's not like they're just drinking a beer or two, they are doing shots with liquor chasers (?!) and here I sit totally sober... it's just weird. I am just having really negative feelings right now but I don't see a long-term solution because nothing sounds like a better alternative.
No we can't control what others do or don't do. People are going to drink if that is what they want to do -- some socially, some abusively and some alcoholically. AA is not a temperance society and is not striving to bring back Prohibition. There is no animosity in AA or among AA members against drinking as an institution. It (drinking) is simply not for us who have a problem with it. I know I would feel alone and out of place if everyone around me were focused on drinking and I were the only one who was sober. And I honestly wouldn't enjoy watching others get tipsy and drunk.
I think there are a whole lot more options than being secluded in AA vs. being around heavy drinkers. There is an entire world of activities that are fun and rewarding which do not involve drinking and which do not involve recovery. Volunteer at a local nursing home or for Big Brothers/Big Sisters, take up a hobby, take a class at the local community college, learn a new language, join a bike club or a hiking group or a nature group, walk the dogs at the local animal shelter, be part of a community garden, join a book club, join a fitness club/gym, take dance lessons, learn Tia Chi .... the list is endless.
Are you boring? Or is the one track song track -- lets get together and drink as the social outlet and social activity -- boring? Honestly, I would find a lot more enjoyment in the activities I listed above as compared to "watching the game and getting drunk", "going skiing and getting drunk", "getting together with friends and getting drunk", "going out to dinner and getting drunk", etc. Well you get the idea.
Actually based upon what you have said and from an outsiders perspective, it sounds as if your boyfriend has his own issues with drinking. Have you considered that what he considers normal social drinking may not be normal social drinking? Most people don't care all that much about alcohol and drinking -- it is a drink or two with dinner and an evening out or at a social event. Maybe it is a matter of you being able to recognize that things aren't what you thought they were now that you are no longer drinking.
I'm just feeling like I am boring and my life is all about recovery/AA and that is stupid to normal people. I feel like some kind of a freak. But it's not like anyone is making me feel like that, it's just some internal thing. I guess because if it were up to me, no one would ever be drinking! I know this is unrealistic and I know I have to live in the real world and I can't control other people/the circumstances, but, I feel like any option sucks. Secluding myself/only being around AA people would suck, but being around people who are drinking a lot sucks too. It's not like they're just drinking a beer or two, they are doing shots with liquor chasers (?!) and here I sit totally sober... it's just weird. I am just having really negative feelings right now but I don't see a long-term solution because nothing sounds like a better alternative.
No we can't control what others do or don't do. People are going to drink if that is what they want to do -- some socially, some abusively and some alcoholically. AA is not a temperance society and is not striving to bring back Prohibition. There is no animosity in AA or among AA members against drinking as an institution. It (drinking) is simply not for us who have a problem with it. I know I would feel alone and out of place if everyone around me were focused on drinking and I were the only one who was sober. And I honestly wouldn't enjoy watching others get tipsy and drunk.
I think there are a whole lot more options than being secluded in AA vs. being around heavy drinkers. There is an entire world of activities that are fun and rewarding which do not involve drinking and which do not involve recovery. Volunteer at a local nursing home or for Big Brothers/Big Sisters, take up a hobby, take a class at the local community college, learn a new language, join a bike club or a hiking group or a nature group, walk the dogs at the local animal shelter, be part of a community garden, join a book club, join a fitness club/gym, take dance lessons, learn Tia Chi .... the list is endless.
Are you boring? Or is the one track song track -- lets get together and drink as the social outlet and social activity -- boring? Honestly, I would find a lot more enjoyment in the activities I listed above as compared to "watching the game and getting drunk", "going skiing and getting drunk", "getting together with friends and getting drunk", "going out to dinner and getting drunk", etc. Well you get the idea.
He also swears it off for a period of time and says it's based on external factors-- for instance, he is starting school again this semester, and says he was drinking up until then because it's his last hurrah, and when school starts he will be serious and grow up and stay away from alcohol. Granted, he just turned 30 (which was another reason to drink... and I tried to cut him some slack since it was his birthday... and he didn't get out of control drunk, he just stayed continuously tipsy/slightly drunk all weekend... ugh), so sometimes I start to think he should have grown up by now. But then I think I'm being hypocritical, and I can relate so much to him because I have just recently started to "grow up" and to cope with life for real rather than escaping into alcohol and partying.
He also suffers from depression and anxiety, and views it as self-medication, which I can understand and also relate to. But lately he's been in a pattern of binge drinking, then thinking he has health problems-- kidney or liver issues, heart palpitations-- once he stops for awhile, and then it's back to binge drinking. He says he knows that alcohol can't be helping his health problems (and I also think a lot of it is anxiety/paranoia, caused by alcohol withdrawal), and swears off alcohol for awhile, but soon picks back up. :-/
He and I just started a "diet"/healthy eating plan today, so he says he will not be drinking (in addition to school starting), but all I can do is see if that holds true or if he will find some excuse. I struggle with it because I know it's not my place to make him stop drinking, but because of my knowledge of alcoholism and the negative effects that I see that it has on his physical and emotional health, I just hate it, and can't encourage it in the least. This is where I feel I impose some of my issues on him-- **I** have decided alcohol is no good for me, that I'm an alcoholic and need to stay away from it, but *he* hasn't decided that for him (he will sometimes talk about it or semi-admit it, but, is soon back to saying things like it's fun and he just wants to cut back etc.).
So part of my issue is feeling sick to my stomach when he's drinking, because I know how bad it is for him and even though he says he knows that too (he's in the health-care field and is usually a health nut!!), he continues to drink, and I just feel like I don't want to be around it at all. Another issue is more just about me-- like you say, I don't want want my social life to revolve around alcohol. When I was drinking I hung out almost exclusively with people who liked to drink as much as I did, so that it seemed "normal" to drink so much. I guess that's what my boyfriend does too, as all his friends drink and many seem to have issues with alcohol. I am working hard to develop a new sober life for myself... I have friends in AA, I have gotten rid of my old drinking buddies and bad habits/hangouts, whenever I see my old friends that weren't primarily drinking buddies, I try to do things that don't involve drinking. I am in a writing group and need to spend more time writing, reading, and running/exercising, and I want to join a running group. But mainly I'm busy starting up my own business, which is something I've wanted to do for quite awhile and in sobriety I finally found the strength and commitment to do it. So I feel like my life is getting better and better, and his is staying stuck. To his credit, he is trying to improve it, but keeps getting stuck in old thought patterns and addicitons (which I can understand, but, I am at a different place right now). And while I feel bad for him, I need to focus on myself, and realize that I don't want it to be "normal" to hang out with people who drink a lot, to have the central theme be drinking. I just don't want that for my life anymore, and I am convinced that it's NOT normal... that "normal" people don't always have alcohol around in everything that they do.
Thank you for the conversation, as it's helpful to talk about it.
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Originally Posted by Sapling
You sound like you are doing everything you should be doing Pigtails....You have a grip on the situation...Hang in there and keep going forward.
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