Seriously, damned if I do damned if I dont
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Seriously, damned if I do damned if I dont
So this guy I have been friends with for five months has always tried to pursue more than a friendship with me. Ninety five % of the time he has seen me either drunk or hungover. He has been a brunt of my anger while drunk and still pursued me. Once I got off the alcohol and told him maybe once I am more stable we can pursue something. I have been staying with him until I find my own place. I have been taking me meds, attending AA meetings and abtaining from drinking.
When I try and become affectionate now he pulls away and when I say something like why are you pulling away he responds its bc you always want to be affectionate when I am busy like for example last night he wanted a cig. Really? A cig cant wait five min. I said when you pull away it makes me feel rejected. So that started an argument and brings up the past when I was drunk. I said you cant compare the past to the present. Not drinking and taking meds is not going to magically transform me and dont try to change me as a person.
I just dont understand why he is getting angrier with me now bc I am not drinking as opposed to when I was drinking. Tables seem to have turned. Frustrates me beyond belief.
When I try and become affectionate now he pulls away and when I say something like why are you pulling away he responds its bc you always want to be affectionate when I am busy like for example last night he wanted a cig. Really? A cig cant wait five min. I said when you pull away it makes me feel rejected. So that started an argument and brings up the past when I was drunk. I said you cant compare the past to the present. Not drinking and taking meds is not going to magically transform me and dont try to change me as a person.
I just dont understand why he is getting angrier with me now bc I am not drinking as opposed to when I was drinking. Tables seem to have turned. Frustrates me beyond belief.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 40
First up, it may be not your fault.
But really, is he getting the same signals from you?
If yes, he's a ******* and dump him.
If yes, and he still doesn'y get it, he's a ******* and dump him.
If no, you need to communicate more with him. even if its to slap him in the face with it, apparently whatever you are doing is not coming through.
Just saying.
But really, is he getting the same signals from you?
If yes, he's a ******* and dump him.
If yes, and he still doesn'y get it, he's a ******* and dump him.
If no, you need to communicate more with him. even if its to slap him in the face with it, apparently whatever you are doing is not coming through.
Just saying.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
I am on meds they make you tired before I started drinking a lot my bed time was around nine pm because I wake up early. I told him I was going to sleep around 8 pm and he gave me an issue about it and told me not to get into my "bad habits again" that really hurt me because there is a difference from passing out early from drinking and going to sleep early because you are tired. Dont try and change who I am.
Now my issues of inadequacy are coming back which lead me to drink. First time in three weeks I want to drink.
Now my issues of inadequacy are coming back which lead me to drink. First time in three weeks I want to drink.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
I was diagnosed as Borderline Personality disorder and he saw the diagnosis on my hospital discharge paper. Now this diagnosis is being used against me and thats not fair. I also dont know if its me being paranoid but that what he blames it on.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by Innerchild 
I am on meds they make you tired before I started drinking a lot my bed time was around nine pm because I wake up early. I told him I was going to sleep around 8 pm and he gave me an issue about it and told me not to get into my "bad habits again" that really hurt me because there is a difference from passing out early from drinking and going to sleep early because you are tired. Dont try and change who I am.
Now my issues of inadequacy are coming back which lead me to drink. First time in three weeks I want to drink.
Now my issues of inadequacy are coming back which lead me to drink. First time in three weeks I want to drink.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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You are giving this guy all kinds of mixed signals. You say you don't want more than a friendship then you try to get affectionate and he blows you off. The best thing for you to do is figure out how to get your own place, continue not drinking, find some good recovery support and get your own issues resolved before trying to maintain a relationship.
Grateful AA member
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
I feel like when he wants "some" he will be affectionate but in a reverse situation I feel rejected but I dont want to get kicked out either so I have to keep quiet.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 443
Originally Posted by Innerchild
So this guy I have been friends with for five months has always tried to pursue more than a friendship with me. Ninety five % of the time he has seen me either drunk or hungover. He has been a brunt of my anger while drunk and still pursued me. Once I got off the alcohol and told him maybe once I am more stable we can pursue something. I have been staying with him until I find my own place. I have been taking me meds, attending AA meetings and abtaining from drinking.
When I try and become affectionate now he pulls away and when I say something like why are you pulling away he responds its bc you always want to be affectionate when I am busy like for example last night he wanted a cig. Really? A cig cant wait five min. I said when you pull away it makes me feel rejected. So that started an argument and brings up the past when I was drunk. I said you cant compare the past to the present. Not drinking and taking meds is not going to magically transform me and dont try to change me as a person.
I just dont understand why he is getting angrier with me now bc I am not drinking as opposed to when I was drinking. Tables seem to have turned. Frustrates me beyond belief.
When I try and become affectionate now he pulls away and when I say something like why are you pulling away he responds its bc you always want to be affectionate when I am busy like for example last night he wanted a cig. Really? A cig cant wait five min. I said when you pull away it makes me feel rejected. So that started an argument and brings up the past when I was drunk. I said you cant compare the past to the present. Not drinking and taking meds is not going to magically transform me and dont try to change me as a person.
I just dont understand why he is getting angrier with me now bc I am not drinking as opposed to when I was drinking. Tables seem to have turned. Frustrates me beyond belief.
Innerchild
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Jersey Shore
Posts: 106
Wondering if there will be a time I can drink normally
Hey, I am not drinking today. I dont want a drink and actually terrified to drink bc I never want to get to where I was again. I was talking with my boyfriend who has been the brunt of my verbal abuse when I am drunk and I dont remember what I would say to him while blacked out.
Is this "guy" the same "boyfriend" you mentioned earlier this morning?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
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Ive moved about four times since June. Found a place on Craigslist end of June with psycho roommates the husband she said wasnt living there moved in from a half way house from being hooked on drugs. Child Protective Services was around, a lot of fights between them and I dreaded it there.
In Oct found a beautiful winter rental til May from a girl I met during Karaoke. Her boyfriend was subletting the place from the owners and told us the owners dont know and dont worry they wont find out.
I was committed Dec 23, of this year and didnt want him finding out. Someone told him he called the psych unit and promised I wouldnt lose where I was living. The next day I was discharged and I called him bc I didnt have the key to house. He told me I couldnt move back and there are shelters around. He said the owners found out I was living there bc they had been at the house the week before Christmas and he cant lose living the place. His girlfriend moved into his own apartment but they are still at the house he is subletting. Its very confusing and I am pretty pissed off about the situation bc he assured us there would be no problems with us living there.
In Oct found a beautiful winter rental til May from a girl I met during Karaoke. Her boyfriend was subletting the place from the owners and told us the owners dont know and dont worry they wont find out.
I was committed Dec 23, of this year and didnt want him finding out. Someone told him he called the psych unit and promised I wouldnt lose where I was living. The next day I was discharged and I called him bc I didnt have the key to house. He told me I couldnt move back and there are shelters around. He said the owners found out I was living there bc they had been at the house the week before Christmas and he cant lose living the place. His girlfriend moved into his own apartment but they are still at the house he is subletting. Its very confusing and I am pretty pissed off about the situation bc he assured us there would be no problems with us living there.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Only you can decide the future of this relationship, but you deserve to be treated with some respect, is he really worth it or is it the making of an unhealthy, codependent relationship? When your own self esteem/self value is low, you can fall into that trap... but I guarantee you will regret it and are worthy of more. For now, you are more likely to find a better, more stable living arrangement if you can maintain a course and improve your own self care. It's one step at a time to get there though.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by Innerchild
Ive moved about four times since June. Found a place on Craigslist end of June with psycho roommates the husband she said wasnt living there moved in from a half way house from being hooked on drugs. Child Protective Services was around, a lot of fights between them and I dreaded it there.
In Oct found a beautiful winter rental til May from a girl I met during Karaoke. Her boyfriend was subletting the place from the owners and told us the owners dont know and dont worry they wont find out.
I was committed Dec 23, of this year and didnt want him finding out. Someone told him he called the psych unit and promised I wouldnt lose where I was living. The next day I was discharged and I called him bc I didnt have the key to house. He told me I couldnt move back and there are shelters around. He said the owners found out I was living there bc they had been at the house the week before Christmas and he cant lose living the place. His girlfriend moved into his own apartment but they are still at the house he is subletting. Its very confusing and I am pretty pissed off about the situation bc he assured us there would be no problems with us living there.
In Oct found a beautiful winter rental til May from a girl I met during Karaoke. Her boyfriend was subletting the place from the owners and told us the owners dont know and dont worry they wont find out.
I was committed Dec 23, of this year and didnt want him finding out. Someone told him he called the psych unit and promised I wouldnt lose where I was living. The next day I was discharged and I called him bc I didnt have the key to house. He told me I couldnt move back and there are shelters around. He said the owners found out I was living there bc they had been at the house the week before Christmas and he cant lose living the place. His girlfriend moved into his own apartment but they are still at the house he is subletting. Its very confusing and I am pretty pissed off about the situation bc he assured us there would be no problems with us living there.
or move to Aus...plenty of room here!
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