desertsong

My "alcoholic voice" is screaming at me right now. Long story short ... 16 year old son came home from school today in deep depression. We moved to a small resort town in Wyoming from San Diego a year ago and my son has still not adjusted to the drastic change in lifestyle. Lots of typical teenaged angst along with some real issues that need addressing. Son came home, shared his heart, and it was so sad. I get where he is coming from although I also think we have coddled him too much throughout his life and he is just now coming to grips with the "real world" and isn't liking it a whole lot ... my husband (an active alcoholic) just got p*ssed off and basically told my son he was ungrateful and that he was "leaving." We all know what that means around here ... he is going to the bar. It's been 3 hours and hubby is still at the bar while I, an alcoholic only 12 days into sobriety, is left to deal with the wreckage and to try to keep our son sane and give him hope that his life will get better.

I know I can't change my husband or "force" him into sobriety ... like any alcoholic, he will look for any excuse to drink, and this was it ... but I'm so angry that he would leave me, a newly recovering alcoholic, to deal with all of this drama alone when my sobriety is still so fragile right now. He claims to be totally supportive of me getting sober (I was a horrible, abusive drunk, and he was the recipient of most of my abuse) but as a newly sober alcoholic, the last thing I need is an "excuse" to grab that first drink in order to cope with what is going on around me. At AA today, our topic was "the first drink" and what it does to us. My alcoholic brain is telling me that it is okay to go ahead and drink because "he made me do it," while the rational voice of sobriety is saying, "The choice is yours and doesn't matter what he does .... if you take a drink, you are gone." And yet there is that other voice that says "I'll show you!" by "allowing" me to drink because of his behavior is really tweaking my brain right now.

I won't drink ... I know that ... I've come too far. But geez ... there is a battle going on in my brain and I can only hope and pray that I have the strength to defeat it. Gaaaah ....

JimH

Congratulations on your 12th day. At this point I would concentrate on yourself to make sure you stay sober. Give your son at least one parent back. After you get yourself together then discuss with hubby.

Anna

Hi,

I'm sorry that your son is having trouble adjusting.

I don't think you should spend your energy on your husband not being supportive. Your son needs you as a mother, and you have to focus on your sobriety. Your husband's support would be nice, but if it's not there, you can still do this.

Mark75

There will ALWAYS be something that we can justify a drink with...

Your son will adjust... My parents moved around a lot... I went to 5 different high schools... yea, it was tough, but I survived. My dad was active in his alcoholism then... he was freakin' miserable, and that didn't help, but in his own way he tried.... he recovered in AA after the divorce, LOL... we were very close right up until he passed.

We lived in KY then (had just moved there... I thought it SUCKED!!), along the Ohio river... My counselor suggested that my dad and I find some common activity we could do together on the weekends... We took up photography and it worked!!! ... We travelled around KY and took pictures of people and places and then come home and develop the B&W photos...

Maybe something like that? It's not like Wyoming isn't photogenic and full of pretty colorful people... I am thinking' rodeos, skiers, cowboys... ???

Just a thought.

desertsong

Son and hubby went skiing together last winter and it was really good for them. My son is kinda "soft" in the sense that he mostly grew up in SoCal and really has no idea of what it's like to experience the "great outdoors." But he loves snowboarding and he and hubby did that a few times last winter. I just see them growing apart right now, and it's largely due to my husband's alcoholism. They have not really had a good relationship for a few years, and mainly the most important years of my son's life. He needs a strong male role model, and while my husband COULD fit that mold in most respects (a poor boy from a poor family who gave his life to the USMC and then became a successful businessman), he has allowed alcoholism to consume his life. I blame the USMC in large part ... so many of their rituals and traditions revolve around alcohol, and (surprise!) many Marines come away from service addicted. The only good role model my son has is a biker pastor in California, but he's a thousand miles away. I support my kiddo to the extent that I can, but I'm a mom, not a dad, and not the strong, moral, sober role model he needs.

Tigger41

I'm so sorry you're having to watch your child go through this. That must be just gut wrenching. And it's great that you're staying sober. Right now your child needs at least one parent that's together. Maybe it's best that your husband went out before he could do anymore damage.

I hope you and your son can have some quiet time tonight just to chill. And I don't think any amount of love or understanding right now would be coddling.

I think you're going to look back and be so happy you quit when you did.

Stay strong and feel free to come vent. He was pretty much a jerk making your son feel like it was him that made him go out drinking. He was looking for any excuse - sounds like your son being upset was just convenient

Terminally Unique

Do not engage in any unnecessary dialogue with the AV. Simply recognize it for what it is and objectify it as not quite you, since you now prefer to be sober rather than drunk. The more you talk to the AV, the longer it has to wear you down, and rest assured that it will never change its agenda, which is, of course, to get you to drink.

desertsong

Thank you to all ... yes, Tigger, my husband reached a level of success in his business where he doesn't have anything to do, he just has his assistant take care of day-to-day activities through email and fax (he's a government contractor now). Nice for him to not have to go to an office every day, but not nice that he has nothing to do now but sit in one corner of the couch and watch Fox News all day while his assistant runs the business. Our son coming home with "issues" today was just the excuse he needed to leave the house and do something else ... mainly, go sit at the bar and drink (instead of sitting at home and drinking). I know he is feeling pretty useless right now ... he's working on "new" things to do ... but my sobriety (which I'm sure is threatening to him, as I used to be his drinking buddy) and the drama with our kids is making him look at himself differently these days, and I don't think he likes what he sees. So he is hiding at the bar. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it. His life is changing because of my sobriety and I'm sure it's scary. It would be for me too, if I were in his shoes.

desertsong

Terminally Unique, you are soooo right. The more I engage the AV, the more it tries to wear me down. But it is relentless ... it wants to win at all costs. Hoping I am strong enough to beat it.

jocata

Hang in there desertsong. I'm praying for you, your son, and your husband.
You did a great thing by posting what you are feeling and that part of you wants to drink. I hope by posting that it took some of it's power away.

God bless.

Terminally Unique

Don't just hope you are, desertsong, know you are. That stupid disembodied voice in your head can't do a darn thing, least of all go to the liquor store. It has to convince you to do that, and if you don't talk to it, it won't even get the chance.

desertsong

Thank you, jocata. Yes it did. I appreciate that. All help is appreciated.

Mark75

Well, there are so many issues... Being immersed in the corps all those years and now... What, exactly... Dealing with adolescent angst was not one of the things he learned as a marine I bet, LOL... (the Great Santini style of parenting?)... So your husband is hurting too, he has retired from the very thing that gave him purpose.

Maybe this is a time that he can see that he still has a purpose... His most important one. Maybe you can help him see that... His son needs him now.

Maybe not, I don't know your family... But don't give up and most importantly don't give in. Prayers to you.

desertsong

Right now, Terminally Unique, that stupid voice is telling me that all I need to stay sane is a drink. I know it's a lie. But I'm tempted regardless, especially when I look into the eyes of my suffering child. How insane is THAT? I see my child needing sober, SANE guidance and the only advice I can think to give him is what I would give him from a medicated brain?! I'm sober and can't think of one thing that could help him because I always dulled those emotions with pills or alcohol. What kind of role model am I? How can I give wholesome, applicable, life-enriching advice from where I am now?

Terminally Unique

Supposing the truth is actually that IT (the voice) can't stay sane without a drink, but that you certainly can? Would knowing that help? Think of it as your worst enemy, for that is what it is, and let it suffer, all on its own.

For now, fake it. Tell him that all things pass in time, and that you'll be there for him along the way.

lisa29

Good for you for staying sober and being a supportive parent to your son!

desertsong

You are so wise. Thank you. Tonight I've been thinking of all the ways I can sugarcoat what is already so obvious to this smart child ... and beating myself over the head for not teaching it to him sooner but was unable because I WAS A DRUNK. Let's just put it out there. Terminally Unique, some of your posts, admittedly, have made me bristle, but ten seconds ago I was hit with reality. I THANK YOU for your honesty ... no matter how brutal, no matter how UN-sugarcoated ... no matter how blunt, my friend, you speak THE TRUTH. Thank you for that. Addicts don't like hearing the truth, especially when it's right in their face ... but when it's truth and not blabber, it has immense worth. I've been reading your posts for the past few days ... found myself offended, pissed off, annoyed .... and eventually said, "This person knows the truth." Thank you. You annoyed the h*ll out of me for a few days but I get it now. You RAWK.

desertsong

Went to my kid a few minutes ago and was honest ... said, "I don't know all the answers to what you're suffering through, but I'm willing to hold your hand through it all and see you through it. You aren't alone and I'll be with you through it all." He was tired so he basically said, "Thanks, Mom," but in my heart I know that his being supported, and knowing he was supported, was the most important thing. I'm not going to do it perfectly, I'm not going to know the exact words he needs to hear, I'm not going to be able to hold his hand through every tough time in his life, but at least he knew I was there TODAY. I've never been able to say that before. Any other time he needed me, I was drunk or foggy or otherwise not there for him ... even though I didn't have all the answers tonight (who does?!), I was at least able to say that, and to let him know that I am ... completely ... soberly ... HERE for him. Ironically, this kid has been my biggest supporter as I work toward sobriety. He understands me and accepts me even more than my husband does. Such a great kid ... such a great, sensitive, forgiving heart ... such a great supporter for being only 16. Makes me feel SO guilty for all I have put him through with my alcoholism, but in some strange way, we strengthen each other. Knowing he is behind me, fully supportive of my sobriety, and my biggest cheerleader .. makes me even more determined to make sure he gets through this tough time. He's helping me and I'm helping him ... wow. Amazing what sobriety can do, isnt it?

Dee74

yeah it is

D

unentschieden

Hey desertsong,

You really laid yourself bare in this thread. The post above really shot straight to my heart.

Every kid deserves one good parent. Be that for him, but not out of guilt.

My nephew grew up without a dad and an alcoholic mom and he's an amazing kind person.