harleyq

I started getting serious about my recovery mid-November and when I started, things fell apart with my husband. We've been separated since and he's only been negative about my recovery. I know I put him through hell, but he's angry my case manager wants us to put off discussing our marriage and he hasn't liked any of her advice on what to do. I think it's over, not drinking today is a struggle.

PaperDolls

My relationship of 10 years ended about 6 months into my sobriety.

It felt horrible at the time but looking back at it now .... it was the right thing. I'm now happier than I've ever been. I was able to really focus on my recovery this time. It made a huge difference.

I know you know this but drinking over it will not make it better. Quite the opposite.

Stay strong.

samwitch

Hi Harley-
I'm going through a similar situation, although my SO is not angry at my recovery process, but our marriage is most likely ending, at best in deep trouble. I KNOW I need to make clear-headed, sober decisions about what will happen: it's best for me and for my SO.

I know you know the best thing you can do is be sober as well. Just don't drink today.

Freeport

Harley, please stay sober today. That's your first and highest priority.

Read through these forums, and I think you'll see a lot of relationships have ended during recovery. I'm pretty confident that I would not be in my marriage today had I not been a drinker during my 20s when I met and married my wife. That's not an excuse for me to cop-out today; I take my wedding vows seriously, and I am handling my marriage and other decisions that I made when alcohol had a too-terrible influence on my life.

But perhaps this post will encourage younger folks reading to tackle sobriety before entering into any lifelong contracts.

Hooped

My wife and I separated last March.

Although the separation was not due to drinking, it was part of the picture.

She is still drinking (but not alcoholically) and I simply don't want to be around a drinker any more.

We are still on good terms, but I am finding the more sober time I rack up the more I am questioning just what direction I want to take with my life.

Myself, I am not going to make any major decisions untill I have a solid year in sober.

Even at 5 months here, my emotions are still all over the place .

Drinking wouldn't help....at all.

Philo34

At almost 6 months of sobriety, I'm finding myself in the same boat, after 24 years of marriage.

harleyq

Thanks all. I'm struggling with feelings of shock that the one person I want help from can't help.

1undone

I'm struggling too. I don't know if we are together for our son or because we want to be together. So much has happened over the years that I'm not sure what the future holds for us. The trust has been so beaten and abused on both sides. How much can two people turely endure? And how much should they? I'm giving this one up to my higher power for now as I don't believe I have the answer. It's all I can do as I have searched my little brain for days, weeks, months, etc. as to what the answer for us is and I always come up with nothing.

Relationships are so hard and ever changing. Who can predict what will happen to anyone of ours? Certainly not me. I suck at it. LOL I will continue to try to better myself and hope that somehow through that I will get an answer.

harleyq

Thanks undone. Your attitude is encouraging. I need to focus on getting myself better and hope things will follow. I just wish my husband was here.

Dee74

I'm sorry harley - I lost my partner way before recovery, but I know that must be hard to bear...

you're right tho - you need to focus on you and getting better right now....have faith that things will turn out for the best for you

D

Duke10

Harley, this is the last thing you need. I am not sure what to tell you but I do know from reading a lot on SR that you need to take care of yourself. Hopefully the "for better or worse" clause will kick in. I am struggling in my marriage right now because I am struggling to control my drinking. People in our situation don't understand the emotional and physical toll it can take. Once again, at this point put your sobriety first, get sober then work on other parts of your life. Prayers to you

harleyq

Thanks Duke, it's hard to see it from the other person's side, but I know we are both suffering.

Anna

I'm sorry Harley, that must be tough to deal with.

What I know for sure, is that things that have happened to me, were meant to happen. Hugs and prayers coming your way.

Philo34

If we believe that alcohol is but a symptom, is it too simplistic or improper to suggest that a bad relationship could be the underlying problem?

Xena1211

I am sorry to hear about your marriage. My marriage ended after my sobriety started, but truth be told, it ended before that. It was my choice, but that didn't make it any easier. Drinking doesn't help anything, though. Drowning pain and emotions only delays their onset.

That is right, no one can help. It would be unfair to pin your hopes for recovery on him.

Hang in there. You can get through it, without picking up.

Xena1211

If you are an alcoholic, a bad relationship is not the cause. If it were that simple, end the relationship, end the drinking. Alcoholism, which many of us treat with Alcohol, does cause us to have difficulties in personal relationships, and not because of the drinking. This is something many of us work on during our sobriety.

MentalLoop

hq - i wish we all had some type of looking glass to know how things would end, or what to do to make sure it always ends the way we want...that said, i trust that you realize that whether your spouse stays or goes (or you stay or go), the only way to achieve the optimal outcome is with a clear mind. I think there is a lot of soul searching to do on both sides, but borrowing from the BB, to thy own self be true. So long as your actions from this day forward are totally and completely honest, and you do the best that you know how to do - inclusive of not drinking, then the outcome will be the best it can be. That rationality thankfully is not predicated on relying on a higher power (although i find that my higher power always helps me), it's just fact. Do your best, and the outcome will be the best it could have been. Right now - sobriety is the only way for you to do your best.

harleyq

Thanks ML, It's a good reminder that I'm not thinking at my best right now. Philo34, I sometimes share your question on whether it's the relationship or me, but I'm realizing my alcoholism is there regardless of the relationship but also that the relationship might be bad regardless of my alcoholism. double whammy.

samwitch

I know I used alcohol in the past to mask (drown) the problems in my marriage. Much easier at least I thought than dealing with the problems directly. My use of it also CAUSED problems in the relationship as well. I'm sorting out what is the right thing is to do, but I'm commited to doing so sober. I cannot allow myself to use drinking as a way out or an excuse to not deal with it.

Philo34

I have heard stories, in the boiled down Reader's Digest version, just like this. Or maybe it's more accurate to say, staying sober was not at all, or as difficult, when the relationship was terminated. I do believe with certainty, that staying sober is priority 1, whatever it takes, letting nothing in the way to alter the path. If we have done our best work at self-improvement and spiritual growth, yet still find our surroundings troubling, can we not question it? I'm just thinking out loud.... appreciate everyone’s thoughts.