bayliss

I am really annoyed with people saying that I have an ego....
I was only trying to say that it would be nice to not have to work to stop drinking. I didn't ask for a million dollars. I want my health back. I understand I have to work for it. But it would be nice - as if talking to alcohol - that it would be great to stop drinking as easily as it was TO get into this whole drinking.

I am far from egotistical or arrogant. I have the lowest self-esteem that I have EVER had in my entire life because of drinking. I hate myself.
There is no point in explaining or someone is going to say I want a pity party.

Yea, wanting to stop drinking doesn't make me stop drinking. I understand that I need to do something about it.

Ojibway. I understand what you're saying. I can't keep making excuses all the time.

I am trying.
You guys know how hard it is.

Terminally Unique

What are you going to do with that bottle of Gin?

Fandy

You have a choice right now. If you keep on your current routine, your choices WILL be more limited.

i agree with Anna...

talking the talk and doing the walk are 2 different things. Do what you say, and say what you mean...( i maybe quoting Dr. Suess here, but the man was a wealth of knowledge when i was a kid)

Dee74

I think looking back it was pretty simple Bayliss - not easy but simple.

I just had to accept that the way I was running my life, drinking, was dysfunctional and was going to get worse.

However scary the alternative of sobriety was, it had to be better.

It is hard work and it's not easy - but none of us is alone

I hate to repeat myself but I really believe you can do this - but you need to take the first step, bayliss

D

bayliss

I am not sure what I am going to do with the bottle TU.
I am fighting it at the moment.

I am quite upset.
I don't want people to think that I am just coming back here for fun or anything. I hate this and I really don't want to die from this or anything.
Well, that is why I keep coming back.

I definitely agree my choices will be more limited...they are becoming few and less as each week goes by.
And yes Dee, simple but not easy at all. I have upset a lot of people in my life.

It isn't easy.
I am trying, I really am.
I wanna do this for my boyfriend, my Mom {whose father was an alcoholic and she hates all of this}, my Dad, my Sister, my Cat...
Everyone who deserves my attention -- who haven't received it for a while because of my obsession with my "secret lover".

I value everyone's opinion here...immensely.
And it's the truth.

Anna

Bayliss, you need to do it for yourself, not anyone else.

Terminally Unique

You won't have to fight it once it isn't there.

bayliss

I know...so silly how difficult it is to just grab it and pour it out.

artsoul

I spent a lot of time in the battle zone, too.........thinking, planning, analyzing, being afraid, feeling bad about myself, etc. The last months I drank were spent thinking about how it would be once I got sober. Like you, I had the "head knowledge" - it just wasn't doing me any good.

I think I finally realized that going around and around with it just meant I'd spend another day playing the same game. It was scary to think that all I had to look forward to was more of the same, or worse. I could get sober now, or wait until my life was in a shambles, but I'd have to go through the pain of getting sober sooner or later. It didn't really make sense to wait.

Like others have said, it became simple. I could not drink, no matter what, no matter how I felt, who was drinking around me, what day it was, or what problems I had.

There is no other way to deal with our disease than to accept we can never drink again.

You can make the same decision, bayliss. I think you're just waiting on yourself.

Pigtails

Hi. I just wanted to share something with you that I hope will help. When I was drinking, I felt anxious and depressed, but, like you, I was afraid to give it up because I was afraid I would feel even more anxious and depressed, without alcohol to help me, or knowing I would give in anyway, so why try to stop.

Well, after I stopped I did feel even more anxiety/depression than normal for a little bit. I can't say it was easy or fun. But everyone here and in AA etc. said it would get better, if I kept it up, so, I kept it up, because I was really desperate and needed to feel hope. Soon the anxiety and depression started to lift. I had this up-and-down period where I was riding high and feeling so happy and great, and then feeling rather down and blah, but the ups were definitely better than the downs, and overall I was feeling much better sober than when I was drinking. So that made it easier to keep on keeping on, and to hold onto that hope.

Well now I am on Day 52 and already things are evening out for me and I feel this balanced sense of calm and peace. It's something I'm not used to, and I just posted a thread about feeling over-confident, like, maybe I was over-reacting and I don't have as big of a problem as I thought, because quitting was so "easy." When in reality, it was not easy at all. I joined here at the beginning of June (after some reading and thinking, before that) and it took me until November to be able to get any length of sobriety under my belt. And, as I wrote, it was quite har at first. But now it is really worth it. I feel like a new, different, better person... or rather just a happier and healthier version of Me. It's really great. I think of how low I was feeling when I was drinking, and how good I feel now, and it's so night and day that it feels unreal.

So what I'm saying is, I'm glad you're trying again, and please keep on keeping on this time, no matter what. If it gets hard, if you feel anxious and stressed, just come here and post. Everyone is really helpful and supportive. The feelings will pass and your days of sobriety will keep increasing and that is the only way out. You really will feel better with time... as they say, time is the only cure! So please stick with it, because you're worth it. Best wishes and happy holidays.

BTW I also second DayTrader's post. I never realized that anxiety and depression were symptoms of my alcoholism. Just because I didn't drink all day every day doesn't mean I wasn't dependant on alcohol, and that it wasn't doing some horrible stuff to my mind and body. Now that I realized that, everything is so much better, as long as I don't drink. So please try it for yourself and keep going in your recovery, no matter what your feelings or emotions are.

Pigtails

Just because someone hates themselves and has low self-esteem doesn't mean they don't have a big ego. I've found that I've had very low self-esteem and a huge ego. The two seem to go together... because often people with low self-esteem have huge voids inside them that they try to fill up through external sources/other people, not from DOING the right things, TAKING the right actions, which is where good self-esteem comes from. We feel worthy by doing the right things. We feel worthless when we do the wrong things, and look for excuses/placing blame on other people/circumstances other than ourselves. For instance, using the holidays as an excuse to drink, or the price of a bottle of gin, or the fact that it's hard, etc. I understand that it's hard but you have to actually *do* it, not just "try" it or "want to do it." THAT is how you will get more self-esteem, and start loving yourself instead of hating yourself. Until then you will just wallow in self-pity... which is no place to be, so, get to taking action and you will start to feel better. I am saying all of this through experience, not judgment, because I was there and I do understand and am just trying to share what I've learned and what's worked for me so far. Best wishes.

DayTrader

Some ppl parrot things they've heard others say...things that they think will impress you.....or that they think may help you. Folks say all sorts of things. In recovery you'll learn how to let that stuff roll off your back more easily. Other ppl's opinion of me really dominated a big portion of my life.....and lemme agree.....it's a crappy way to live.

Bingo! Boy-oh-boy, that was me....... I remember when I started my 4th step and was told to make a list of all the ppl I didn't like or hated........honestly, the only person I hated.....loathed and detested actually......was myself. As above, this sort of thinking is one area untreated alcoholism manifests. It's also why drinking helps you feel better.....you can forget, for a while, how much you don't like what you've become. So, ya see, drinking actually treats alcoholism - it gives one some temporary relief from the symptoms of alcoholism. Surely, drinking is a problem but it's not THE problem.... THE problem is alcoholISM......which is in the mind, body and soul (for those of us in AA) - not in the bottle. The fact that "just not drinking" doesn't treat alcoholims is also the reason why silly cliches like "just don't drink," "don't drink no matter what," "don't drink and go to meetings" will not work at all. If they worked, there'd be a recovery program founded upon them..... if they worked in AA there'd be a step that said "don't drink and go to meetings." Instead......what works.....is treating alcoholism (IF you're the type of alcoholic who also suffers from alcoholism) and there are more than a couple ways to do that......."thinking about it" and or "not drinking" don't work taken by themselves though.......not in my experience anyway.

this may sound hokey......but I had to do it myself: Have you tried praying yet? If so, have you prayed for some willingness, some direction and some power yet?

Me, I did some basic "drunk-tank praying" after my DUI's...... I'd pray for God to fix my problems..... I'd pray for stuff I wanted (but usually didn't get - lol). Praying for willingness was a new one for me. Praying for the power to get off my lazy butt and DO something I kinda didn't "want" to do was new to me. Praying for the ability to set aside what I thought I knew and for the openness to accept some advice and some direction (that usually was contrary to what I wanted and/or thought) was a new one for me. I was you're run-of-the mill spoiled brat....I did ONLY what I thought I should and rarely took anyone's advice or suggestions. I was also an egotistical perfectionist who actually believed that I knew best what was right for me....the thought of listening to one of "you" tell me what I should do was just ludicrous to me. I liked playing God and there was no way I was going to let one of "you folks" take that power from me..... (even though I didn't even HAVE the power I thought I did....lol).

Interestingly enough, when my drinking was involved...I kept finding myself in AA - where they're certainly not short on "suggestions" - most of which I didn't like. lmao. So..... I started praying for some willingness to accept AA....and some willingness to accept whatever path it was that God seemed to want me on. I knew my way wasn't working....but I also knew I wasn't really all that willing to try another way, another path... so I prayed for that willingness. For me and for the ppl I've known who've said that prayer, it's ALWAYS answered, 100%. It may not be answered with the answer we WANT to hear, but it's always answered.

julieeph320

Hey there,

I too am on a new sober date, and sad....I realised I'd made it 40 days.

I once made it 18 years.

I know I am an alcoholic. I know I need to "do some work".
I guess for me that right now is: reading the big book, going to meetings, and sometimes it is going to be "doing anything I can to not drink that drink" bcause I KNOW it is not going to be better. I drank for no particular reason other than being "hungry, angry, lonely, and tired" and having a stinkin' thinkin' override me.

I would like to get on board with "really doing the work" and that must be way past the white knuckling teeth gritting willing it.

I'm here today and just for now I choose not to drink - for right now and just for today. But - I know it has to go further than that.

Thanks ttys
Julie

Gettingstarted

I recently read a book and I can't remember the exact quote, but it goes something along the lines of ... When you start loving your actions - you start to love yourself. I am loving myself a little bit more each day since I stpped 15 days ago. Even day 1 when I was white knuckling it.

least

Pour it out. Now. Don't buy any more. Don't drink any more, no matter what day it is. Simple - yes. Easy - no, but so worth the effort.

bayliss

Thanks everyone...

DayTrader...I guess your post - and how you felt - is exactly like me. Maybe I am egotistical...I sure am a perfectionist. I have an "all or nothing" approach to pretty much every aspect in my life. I guess it goes for drinking as well. If there were no booze in the house - well I wouldn't drink. But if I suspect there is any...than I feel the "need" to drink it.
Exactly like Julie said - whether I am bored, angry, lonely, stressed...anything...
Pigtails - I hear you about the anxiety and drinking makes it definitely worse. For some reason I am not sure why I am so afraid to drink - probably because I have been drinking for quite a while and quite heavily at that the last little while. I will wake up in the morning with a hangover and huge anxiety from the night before...and think to myself what if I die because I just stop drinking? I know that isn't possible for me...and I have quit in the past and was just fine...I mean, how can I really sit there and make excuses for drinking a poison?
It's funny that you say "pray for the willingness" DayTrader...I went to AA once during the Summer...I met a random girl there...she was very sweet - close in age to me, she has been sober for 2 years...she gave me her "big book" but in a miniature version...with notes all peppered throughout. We still keep in touch...she really helped me out when I was sober for about 2 weeks - sad it was only two weeks, I know...but she was there when I needed to vent. We lost touch for a bit - I guess if I kept going back to AA than I would have had her as my sponsor. I still have her book and need to return it...
She texted me the other night and said "Pray for the willingness to change".
I think I may have said this in a another post and I know it sounds silly...but I am also afraid to pray...I am afraid that either:
1) I will find the willingness to change and I will quit.
2) I would find the willingness to change and won't quit.
Isn't that bizarre?
I may have also posted this before but I am severely obsessive compulsive (have OCD - pure O; not sure if you guys have heard of that) and it quiets my thoughts -- when I drink I mean...but I am also compulsive with alcohol.
Maybe these are two things that I need to work on...

It just feels overwhelming at times.
Have to deal with a relationship that is slowly crumbling...a living situation I dislike, trying to find a job, dealing with family being away...feeling really alone at times.
Dealing with mental issues and now alcoholism.

I guess I need to start somewhere.
I will give my boyfriend all my cards so that I don't have money...so that I can't go out and buy alcohol.
I know that that doesn't mean crap and alcoholics do find ways to go out and buy it...but I don't drive either, live in an area which isn't too close to stores that sell alcohol. I guess this is the first step. It worked in the past.

I was sitting there this morning and thought this to myself...I have been off work for a little over a month and I have been drinking most of the days away...
When I find a job, I don't want to feel like I need to drink in the mornings (as often as I do now) to deal with the day...
I need to embrace the change and...yea...

Thanks so much everyone. You guys really are supportive.
And thanks for listening to my ramblings!

jocata

Bayliss I am an all or nothing type of person as well. I've been sober for a little over a month and I believe I should have all of sobriety at once, all should be well, all should go perfect, etc. I think perfectionism goes hand in hand with this as well.
I suffer from depression as well and have been going thru a cycle of it this week. It's so hard, but I am still staying sober cause I know it will get better. I am being broken down piece by piece only to be rebuilt with a firm foundation. It takes time, lots of time.
AA has done miracles for me. My sponser is always there for me. People in the meetings are always there for me. They lift me up when I am down. People on this forum lift me up.
You are not alone in this. Our addictions and our depressions tell us we are alone, but it is not true.
Go to more meetings and try to meet others. You will find you have so much more in common with them than you realize. Contact your friend that gave you that book. Get to know her better. If she has quality sobriety, do what she does. And start reading that book. You may see yourself in there. I know I do.
You are doing great by posting here. You are helping all of us also. We need you here. A great life is possible, I promise. We are here for you, others will be there for you.
Don't be afraid to pray. God loves you. He wants the best for you. He wants you to grow. He wants to take this pain you are feeling and use it to mold you into the person He sees you can be. You will be able to look back on this period of your life in a few months or years and use it to help someone else who comes along that is feeling the same way. Our past can be our most valuable asset if we learn to use them.
Hang in there.
God bless.

ARTEMIS

Bayliss I am not a tough love person either.
What I wish for you at 26 is to start making the changes you need to.. I don't want you to be sorry you wake up at my age..20 years later...still fighting it.

Your 20's and 30's are when you can make some huge decisions about job, home, marriage, kids. Dont throw all that time away in a bottle.
I wish I could take you , like in that Scrooge movie, 20 years ahead to show you what will happen if you keep choosing to pick up. It won't the happy life you deserve.

Please go back and read your very first post. You said I want to quit...well I don't really want to quit. I think you can talk and post forever on here but if you can't decide you want to quit it won't happen.

I do wish you the best. You deserve it.

langkah

Sorry to hear you still aren't willing to put to use the suggestions that people are good enough to take their time to repeatedly lay out clearly for you in the hopes you might act to help yourself whenever you come around.


Are those books you ordered still in the mail?

Fandy

I'm sorry that you still want to give your BF "power" over you by handing over your credit cards....this would make me crazy in itself and depressed.

I am also an all or nothing type of personality...but in being sober i learned i do have a lot more patience(most of the time). i look at problems more logically and my thought process is more "balanced".

alcohol exacerbated my depression and made me want to drink more which made me more depressed. once you finally break that cycle, you should feel a lot better. life won't be purrrrfect, but your approach will be calmer.

I got sober after I broke off a long-term live in relationship too...i dealt with a lot of emotions, sadness and my mother was sick. i'm glad to say that when she passed this past May, I was sober for her final days and funeral.

PS....I replaced the LT boyfriend with a small dog and lots of exercise...boosted my self-esteem greatly. the dog thinks i'm perfect.

the difference is that i drank almost steadily for 25 years. i wish i knew then that alcohol was a big factor in my unhappiness.