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Don't want to...but still do it...

Old 12-29-2011, 08:20 AM
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Langkah, that sounded a little harsh...
I am working on it...does that last post say anything about me drinking so far today or yesterday? No.
I am merely expressing how I feel and how I have felt in the past.

Thanks Artemis and Jocata for your posts.
I will definitely get in touch with that girl I met...the last time I talked to her we made plans to go for coffee but I bailed at the last minute because I was too afraid. I guess I never really talked to someone about my alcoholism face to face like that and it scared the crap out of me. Maybe it's time to do that - lay it all out there and get the support that everyone says I need and not try to do this myself.
I definitely don't want to wake up 20 years from now and realize that my life just passed me by so quickly. It is true. A lot of big decisions are coming up. I can't be drunk while deciding or I will not only be miserable because of the drinking that I constantly do (IF I do in the future, lol, which I won't be!) but the wrong decisions I made at the time.
It is true. The last year - as the drinking became heavier and heavier, it has just become a blur.
I don't want the rest to be a blur...
And Jocata - what you also said about praying...and maybe one day helping others that are in my position...that resounded with me.
It is true. I can be a lot more than this booze. It just stops me from being beyond happy, taking care of myself and others as well.

Hopefully these cravings go away soon! I hate them. Lol. I can't imagine anyone likes them anyways.
Hope everyone is doing well today.
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Old 12-29-2011, 08:24 AM
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Thanks for your post Fandy.
I know it's a little much to hand over that "power" to the boyfriend - but I do think it might help a bit. Especially in keeping me from buying the booze.
And you are definitely correct on that one - alcohol just makes the depression/anxiety worse. I just realize this not too long ago. I always thought that it was because of other things in my life - but when I step back and really think about it, I am lucky to have what I have...loving people around me and such.
The only problem in this entire equation is the booze.
Mr. Booze is the one that starts the fights, the emotional breakdowns, the laziness and feelings of hopelessness.

I had a sober day yesterday...one in a long time. Even though I didn't get up to too much, played Solitaire and watching a cooking show marathon....at least I wasn't passed out, miserable, contemplating ridiculous things, not being able to make dinner and feeling lousy all around.
It felt pretty good.
Today I have a bit of anxiety...but it's not too bad.
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Old 12-29-2011, 08:27 AM
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Sorry if it sounded harsh Bayliss, wasn't intended as such.

And the books?
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Old 12-29-2011, 08:35 AM
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if all you have is a little bit of discomfort the next few days and you're sober, count yourself lucky...and i so hope on the way to a brighter outlook.

i did not/do not follow AA, some of it makes sense to me, some of it does not work for me. but i do reach out each and every day for sober contact and support both here and FTF with my friends/family.

i will never forget one of the first signs of longterm sobriety (besides reduced puffy face)..a co worker told me that i actually smiled and spoke to people...i previously would just slam into my office and quietly fight off the daily hangovers. if i got to work.

even a short walk can help reduce your anxiety too. you really can do this.
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Old 12-29-2011, 08:35 AM
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Congrats on one day sober Bayliss! So... you know you can do it... why not do it again today?

And I'm still waiting to hear how cute the puppies and kittens are down at the shelter
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Old 12-29-2011, 08:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
the last time you started a thread about a week prior, you were in full desperation about your public actions and embarrassment at a Christmas party/bar and how your BF mistreated you.

when suggestions were posted to help you, you seemed to slough them off and gave the impression you were doing better, actively seeking a job, cleaning the house, "home improvement projects", etc.

so my point is, more time has passed for your and you are still in the same place, doing the same thing, saying the same thing but actively doing nothing except continuing to drink more. and of course it's always the circumstances that leads you to drink to excess.

and the longer you put off accepting the reality of your situation, it's not going to be easier. we can offer and suggest/listen all day..but you are the one who has to make a decision to act instead of excusing yourself or placing blame on others.

I don't want to wish my previous desperation on anyone, but if it comes to that, the only way to climb is up.
thank you for your post. It struck a cord with me....
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Old 12-29-2011, 08:50 AM
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I am not sure which books I said I got.
I did buy the Allan Carr one -- which I really hoped would help a bit but kinda didn't. I might have to re-read it.
I bought Sober Recovery, which I am still working on and just finished Under the Influence. Which scared me a bit when I first began reading it...and I ignored it to just drink! Imagine that!
I did finish it yesterday.
I skipped the whole "friends and family" section of it, as it didn't really pertain to me or interest me as to "how to approach" an alcoholic.
But everything about what the booze did physiologically and psychologically, scared me.

Thanks guys. I really hope to hit this one out of the park. I have quit so many times in the past to no avail. There may be relapses, but I am not thinking about that right now.
And to be honest, I am more optimistic this time. If I do fall off the wagon, I am going to try and not have that all or nothing approach. I will just start over again the next day.
One day soon I will be 3 days sober, 7 days, 18 days...so on...
I am excited for it. Scared, but excited.

Not only do I owe this to myself...but I owe it to a lot of other people. All the ones that have helped me along the way here on SR, my boyfriend and my family, my cat.
Especially my parents - they gave me this life.
I am sure them watching me throw it away doesn't feel too good. I need to make them proud.
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Old 12-29-2011, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by bayliss View Post
Ojibway. I understand what you're saying. I can't keep making excuses all the time.

I am trying.
You guys know how hard it is.
Oh for sure! Hey Im not saying you aren't trying. Just trying to give advice as best as I can. I am afterall only 4 months sober myself. But I didn;t see a way out as well. But then I managed and here I am today going one day at a time. Sorry if I sounded harsh by saying stop making excuses. I was just trying to get you to know those things will be hard to deal with but its better then beating yourself for picking up again. I've tried so many times myself to stay sober for 3 years now and I know for sure it's hard. I won't lie I've had those stupid thoughts in my head lately about drinking and I was given 25 bucks from my grandma and went Christmas shopping with a gift card and on the way there I was going by my old drinking places and the thought came into my head "You have 25 bucks! 2 pints won't harm, no one will know." And honestly I shook my head and said NO mentally within and kept on going to my real destination and I managed not to go into the bars! But when that tiny thought came through my head the excitement built up within me, my alcoholic side really wanted me to drink and drop everything and not care and then my sober newly obtained knowledge and feelings took over and refused and i went with it this time unlike before where I'd listen to the alcoholic mentality trying to get me to go. All the images of this past summer flew in front of me to remind me what exactly will happen if I pick up. So I didn't. And no worries everyone... I told my sponsor this right away as soon as I got home. If we can do it YOU can too! have faith! Do anything possible. Prayers to you! Your a good person just in a dark time but eventually you'll dig yourself out but again... patience! Get to all resources mentioned to you, treatment may be a good idea! Wish you luck! You can do it!
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Old 12-29-2011, 08:39 PM
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Thanks so much Ojibway! And congratulations on four months!
One day I will be there and I hope it starts soon and good for you on refusing to go and spend that $25 on booze.
Don't worry - you didn't offend me at all. I realized tonight that I did make excuses. All the excuses in the world to drink.
The other side is coming out more....booze needs to just shut it for a while because it can no longer me an option.

Thank you again!
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Old 12-30-2011, 07:15 AM
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You like many in inpatient rehab - expect that the "cure will be given to them"

After all if you are in Betty Ford, or Hazelden, why not ?
They are famous enough places !

But let me tell you the truth: YOU are Powerless over your drug of choice !
No cure will be given to you - not even 1/2 cure
YOU will have to work for everything you get and work HARD !!
This is a both a brain disease and a spiritual disorder - It won't be easy.
You need commitment from the heart and motivation from the soul.
It also helps to have an addictions counselor who likes you and gives you extra help.
YOU are up against a destructive, nefarious disease that want you to relapse - and wants you in the gutter, and to self destroy you for good.
Don't kid yourself. Why do you think so many relapse ??
SURRENDER your ego and your arrogance, and stop trying to run the show !!
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Old 12-30-2011, 07:22 AM
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You like many in inpatient rehab - expect that the "cure will be given to them"

After all if you are in Betty Ford, or Hazelden, why not ?
They are famous enough places !

(whether inpatient or AA )

But let me tell you the truth: YOU are Powerless over your drug of choice !
No cure will be given to you - not even 1/2 cure
YOU will have to work for everything you get and work HARD !!
This is a both a brain disease and a spiritual disorder - It won't be easy.
You need commitment from the heart and motivation from the soul.
It also helps to have an addictions counselor who likes you and gives you extra help.
YOU are up against a destructive, nefarious disease that wants you to relapse - and wants you in the gutter, and to self destroy yourself for good.
Don't kid yourself. Why do you think so many relapse ??
SURRENDER your ego and your arrogance, and stop trying to run the show !! GET GOOD HELP NOW !!
Yes you have low self esteem and still have both !
_____________
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Old 12-30-2011, 07:46 AM
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When I was twenty six I loved drinking. I'd like to think that if I'd hated it like you seem to I would have quit but I don't really think so. I'm just another silly human, a rat in the booze maze. I'm probably oversimplifying this but I don't think the misery of quitting is really any worse than the misery of not quitting except that when you quit the misery starts to get better.

Here are some random thoughts that might help:
*Keep a sense of humor about yourself!
*Allow yourself to be a nut. Don't ever stop. See above.
*Do it for yourself, you can't get away with cheating on yourself, except in those creepy drinking dreams.
*Don't drink, ever, even if the waitress brings you a martini by mistake. Staying away from temptation is fine, wise even, but not always possible.
*Tolerate the misery and enjoy feeling good when it happens, like sunshine on a winter day.

Happy New Year
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:13 AM
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Bayliss - a few days back i posted to another member of the site that when you start to understand "Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink" as everything but sarcasm, is when you are actively starting the road to recovery. Because i can see that you are in a pretty dark place, i'm going to share with you what this little obnoxious, irritating phrase has come to mean to me. Many times over the last few years i have had tough days - either professionally, emotionally or physically. The moment that adversity struck, i made sure that my 5PM plan was ready and able....wine and/or scotch. If you think about it, it was my sorrow, anger and self pity that rushed me to the bottle because i had to quiet that noise in my head. I think what all of us now realize is that on your way to sobriety, you at all costs have to avoid falling into the same trap of sorrow and self-pity. Because if you do, guess what you are going to reach for? I'm certain that the more you are reading some of these posts of people trying to snap you out of it - you are probably retrenching even further. Nobody understands, everybody is against you......i'm certain if not your arm, then your mind is reaching for the bottle. All of us replying to you are actually trying to build your confidence - give you mojo so to speak. Give you faith and belief that if you stand up right this very second to that bottle of gin, you will actually stand. Pour it down the sink and kick the sh*t out of it. But whatever you decide, don't get sorrowful. Snap out of it. Even if you need to get cocky and pretend you are more powerful than alcohol - do it! Just don't get caught up feeling bad for yourself, because that is one of the primary reasons we have all reached for the bottle at some point in our lives.

Poor Me, Poor Me, Pour Me A Drink......CUNNING; BAFFLING; POWERFUL!! Can't stress this enough.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:20 AM
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Ok - one more and if I have gone too far, please forgive me. Have you ever watched the original exorcist movie? You know the actual juicy part when the little girl is on the bed being exorcised and the two priests are spraying holy water on her and chanting, etc. That is each and every one of us with alcohol......As we begin our sobriety journey - The exorcism, for the first few days anyway (sometimes before we quit, and sometimes after), we are the little girls on the bed, but the person talking is the alcohol or the devil as the case may be. Each of us reading the posts, well we are like the priests. Although we see you the fragile human being that we all want to care for and protect, we know that the words being written (spoken) are actually the alcohol talking, not you. What we are doing now is spraying the holy water on you, chanting our prayers, and damning the alcohol back to hell.

You want proof? Take a random sample of posters and go back to read their very first posts (say 50 of them). The one where they "come out". I think you will be shocked to see how many of us never had the shakes, how many of us never drank in the morning, how many of us never fell down drunk or detoxed. The problem is, with so many of us justifying how "not" bad we were, but all seemingly identical - who do you think was talking in our initial posts - US OR THE DEVIL?

BTW - The last thing i am trying to do is be biblical or preachy.....this is not intended to be religious, just paralleling the movie.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:47 AM
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Bayliss,

I don't know if you're powerless over alcohol or not. Nobody here does. You can find out easily though: just look back at your experience with alcohol, with limiting it, with controlling the amount you drink once you start, and with your ability to cut it out all together when you've made up your mind to do so. Your truth will become apparent to you. Many people with alcoholic-type drinking problems aren't powerless over alcohol.....many others are. Find what's true for you.

IF you really ARE powerless, understand, it's no longer a "drug of choice." If one's powerless over it, that makes it a drug of no choice. Many folks, even ppl in recovery, often get this twisted.

The end of my compulsion to drink WAS given to me, free and clear and I did nothing to get it. I didn't work hard for it....heck, I didn't even necessarily want it as a gift. I did surrender though.....I surrendered to the idea that, for me, I WAS and AM powerless over alcohol. Hard work, well....the act itself is easy as pie. The crap leading up to it though, it can seem like hard work but that's more dependent upon one's denial, delusion, arrogance, and levels of resistance. Maintaining it....that's another story - lol....but it was a free and undeserved gift. And thank GOD I didn't have to work for it...or work hard for it.....because I wasn't willing to work for it at all. Once I got it though, then I got willing to work for it but it wasn't like "work"....it was more a labor of love.....but it's something I now enjoy doing, for the most part.

Originally Posted by bayliss View Post
I think I may have said this in a another post and I know it sounds silly...but I am also afraid to pray...I am afraid that either:
1) I will find the willingness to change and I will quit.
2) I would find the willingness to change and won't quit.
Isn't that bizarre?
Bizarre? No, I get it..... I felt the exact same way. Wanted to give it up on the one hand but desperately wanted to hold onto my drinking on the other. I totally get it.

The real question though, is - "How's that working for you?" How have the results of holding onto that fear and believing that the 2 options you posted are the only options possible on one hand and that you already know, in advance, that the first one is somehow "bad." You seem to already be experiencing the second one and we can agree that it's not working too well for you, yanno?

One...heck, probably THE toughest thing for me to do......and to continue to do, is to set aside my thinking - to be willing to consider that I don't know it all, that I'm often wrong even in my strongest convictions, and that to get something I don't have but want....I'm going to HAVE to do something I haven't been doing (and it's probably going to be something I don't necessarily want to do).
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:43 AM
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Bayliss,

I can relate so much to what you're saying. I also refuse to throw out alcohol because it's expensive... but I also can't just let it sit in a cabinet for weeks or months without touching it like normal people. If I have a bottle in the house, it is gone within days. People like us just CAN'T keep alcohol in the house without abusing it.

I think it is a bad idea to give your bf your credit cards. This needs to be a decision you, and only you, make. I also had my bf try to participate in my getting sober, and it doesn't work. I would just resent him and then either hide my drinking from him, or get in a fight with him over it, when he was just doing what I asked.

I'm really happy to hear that you had a sober day (or two), I'm proud of you! Remember, you ARE worth it
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:47 AM
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"I am really annoyed with people saying that I have an ego."( quote )

Really - maybe you need to get enough annoyed to get some real =help
NOT ONLY do you have an ego - bit it is running the show ( your addiction )

Hanging around people who are drinking/partying - IS PURE SELF DESTRUCTIVE behavior
easily leading to relaspse !

I wish you the best - cause you will need it

I wish you blessings and good luck !!! and HUGS !

BUT GET REAL and Get with the program !
You are headed for self destruction with no intervention.
This is a very bad disease !!
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Old 12-30-2011, 02:18 PM
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mp [rpblem bayliss. I felt I had to re define what I was trying to say lol. How's it been coming along? Only one day left of 2011! Although I am focused on one day at a time I do have my new years resolution of not picking up a drink tomorrow night at 12am at the stroke of midnight. I'm looking forward to just having a nice night off and playing some PS3 and having some non mixed diet coke

Thanks for the congratulations. It has truly paid off and I don't ever dream of going back to the drink. Life was getting so bad. VERY bad I was on my hands and knees in my room begging for help and saying sorryfor turning my back so much when I asked for it in the first place. You know what I said to my higher power in hopes he was listening to me anymore. "Please please PLEASE! Help me stay sober!!! I really want it bad! I will finally admit! I have a drinking problem and I can't stop!!! I'm on wits end here and I can't do this anymore! If you help me get back up I promise to do something more this time around! I truly will! Please give me this last chance as my parents have given me!" It was like a huge boulder came off me that night I prayed for real because the next day my parents came to my place and asked if I wanted to move back in. Of course there are rules here and heck.... I don't mind themat all. Sure beats drinking my life away and missing out on so much. I strive to do a great job with my soberity I have done things I haven't before, help out with advice here, Im doing service work now in AA and I help set up the meeting with chairs and coffee and always help at the end. It's the least I can do for what AA and my higher power and my family have given to me. I use to hate going to aa once I started getting bored and staying sober for long periods of time. I just didn't care, I only went to make everyone else happy but myself. Now I do it for family but also for myself as well. It took alot to kick me in the butt and wake up for once. SO I really hope you find that little piece of nugget of hope because I wouldn't be here right now replying back. With the drinking I did I'd be long gone trust me. But not dwelling on that anymore, Im just glad Im here and sober today stay in touch! add me as a friend if you want! lol
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Old 12-30-2011, 07:11 PM
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"I also refuse to throw out alcohol because it's expensive" (quote)

You are no way near any kind of recovery . You are are just an ordinary drunk, like the rest of us.
The disease will take you downhill to the gutter and beyond.
You have no motivation to get or seek help.
You will hit rock bottom( for you ) and then you will be "screeching for help"
This is a disease that will destory us, if untreated.
Fortunately, treatment is available, but you had BETTER THROW the "expensive"
alcohol down the sink - cause your life depends on it !!
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Old 12-30-2011, 07:14 PM
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As this is not the most recent thread by the OP I'm going to shut it down.

Thanks for your input everyone.

D
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