saphira

Wow, there are a lot of new people on here since I was here last! That's great!

Hi everybody. I've been meaning to post something for weeks now, but "something" always came up. I think I just didn't want to admit to you all (or myself for that matter) what I've been up to recently. For those of you who don't know or remember me, I first came on here last March and struggled to stay sober until May when it really stuck for me. I lasted until about two months ago when I started to occasionally drink. I started drinking only on Saturday nights and was feeling quite proud of myself for being able to limit it to that. Of course it didn't stay that way. I started to think "Well, why not Friday too? That's part of the weekend!" You all know where this is going... I started to stretch it out and pretty soon I was drinking a pint a day again. I have since backed off a bit-- recently I have been drinking about every third day or so. It's still awful and I'm not proud of it. Nothing bad is happening... I'm not even blowing up at my husband (as some of you may remember, I was HORRIBLE at that... I put that poor man through so much). Not one bad thing is going wrong, but this is not the life I want. For me, the obsession that goes along with drinking is the worst part for me and the part that sucks the life out of me. I spend so much time debating with myself-- I'm just sick of it.

Anyway, I've been to the doctor recently and was very honest about what's going on. My liver and overall health look good, so I figure this is a good time to dust myself off and get back on the sober wagon.

As for those of you who will ask me what I will do differently this time... hmmm... I think the biggest mistake I made last time was (I've heard some of you talking about this recently) I took the alcohol out but didn't replace it with anything... I didn't tweak my sober life enough to really make a change. I guess I naively thought that it would be enough just to remove the liquor. I don't know... I need to think some more about my plan so that it will work this time. Of course I am open to any advice you all may have.

Here's the thing that really gets me though...how many posts have I read on here about people thinking they could handle one drink or two only to see them spiral back to their old ways? Intellectually, I KNEW what would happen, but I didn't want to acknowledge it. I think we all think we are the exception to the rule... scary how powerful the alcoholic brain can be.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to talking to you all again! SR is such a wonderful community and has saved my sorry butt on more than one occasion! I'm looking forward to feeling that support again.

NewBeginning010

Glad you are back saphira, we are here to support you. You can do this & its such a better life when it finally settles in. Take care & keep posting

Itchy

WB! I look forward to reading your posts as you progress.

Bikeguy

I'm glad your back and re-committing to sobriety.

EmeraldRose

Welcome back. 'Staying' here is one change you can make.
I think people get too comfortable, too complacent in sobriety. They think "I've got this" get busy with their daily lives and forget to sing daily to keep that tiger sleeping. If awaken, the tiger creeps back behind you and *wham*. It's gotcha.
I guess I've realized through out my adult life that I have no chance of ever drinking as a 'normal' person. So why bother. I have faced the facts, faced the truth, removed it from my life and am all the more better for it.
I've had people ask at work..."and you don't drink? You'd be a riot".
(NO, I'd be a drunk) But you CAN have fun and live a good life without it.
I'm really glad that you're back...let's see if we all can help you decide on a good solid plan of action.
Wishing you peace and strength.

saphira

Thanks for your responses and support. It's good to be back. I'll try to stick around this time. I think you're right on both counts, EmeraldRose. I did get complacent about my life. Overconfident and thinking I had "beat" it even though I know better than that...I know that it's something that will always be with me...will always be a process. Also, when you were talking about how you realized that you'll never be able to drink as a normal person, it made me realize that I never really got to that point. I talked the talked, I guess, but deep down there was still a part of me thinking (or hoping) that at some point I would be able to. Sitting here right now I still feel that. I don't know why it matters that much. God knows I never drank for the pleasure or taste of the alcohol. So I will pose this question to all of you: How do you get to the point where you just accept you can never be a normal drinker? I've accepted that I have no control over it, but how do you truly accept that you'll never be able to be "normal"?

NewBeginning010

For me it was finally reaching that point of truly being sick & tired or being sick & tired. My life is so much better now that I am sober in every possible way. I would not have thought that I could ever have as much fun and fulfillment as I am currently experiencing now that I am sober.

We don't realize how much pain & suffering alcohol has been causing in our lives until we are free from it physically, mentally & spiritually. I cant believe how much of my life was planned around drinking poison and how much of my life, happiness, health, self worth, self esteem & self love was covered up & taken away by booze.

It took some work to get there but it is oh so worth it, I can promise you that. All of the best in your recovery.

Sincerely ~ NB

P.S. You made a very open heartfelt post about the terrible effects that alcohol is having on you & your life when you first came here. I would suggest going back & reading that in moments of sadness about not drinking. I am far more "nomal" now that I dont drink then I ever was drinking. Actually most of my insanity came from my drinking ;-)

Dee74

welcome back Saphira

I struggled for years until I finally let alcohol go. I literally...let it go...I accepted that it and I would never be a good team. I accepted drinking would always lead me into disaster.

Make those changes to your life, for sure - I tried living my old drunk life sober...it didn't work because Id changed. My life had to change too.

D

saphira

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate it. Right now my son is at his grandma's house to stay overnight (first night of Christmas break and all that) and my husband is at work. Home alone during the witching hour... ahh!! I feel so restless and agitated. I can't figure out what to do with myself. I've been cleaning and doing laundry but I just feel twitchy! I can't sit still. It's moments like this that make it hard to remember why alcohol is so bad for me. Just trying to stay strong...

Anna

Hi Saphira,

Welcome back!

Bikeguy

Hang in there you can do it. Do you have a sober, non drinking friend you can call, may-be some Christmas shopping to finish up or just stay here and keep reading. You can do this!

1undone

Welcome back!

I was so like what you describe above! I was so antsy! And forget sleep the first week, it was awful. I got an iPad and it has saved me! I know expensive therapy! Lol. What helped is the Kindle Ap! It's amazing I'm being rehabilitated by Apple!!!! Point is find something you can obsess about that won't kill you. Hmmm wonder if this think could blow up from too much use...

1undone

I can't typ very well on it yet though!

Hevyn

Great to see you again, Saphira. I did it, too - tried to use willpower to tame the beast. It never worked, not once.

I finally realized it was becoming such a chore to be a drinker that it wasn't worth it anymore. There was no fun or joy in it for me in the end. I felt a little nostalgia about how it used to be, but I had to admit those days were long gone. Once I acknowledged I had no control, I was relieved (after I felt sorry for myself) - and I haven't looked back. It sounds like you're ready to kick it out of your life for good this time. You can do it saphira!

Itchy

How did I accept never again? After years of waking up ill and nauseous and shaking so badly I could not hold my first cup of coffee with scotch in it to stop the shakes then followed by two more fast with scotch to start the steadying I needed to be normal. Sometimes I would vomit it and have to try again. Then all day drinking beer and boxed wine and mixed drinks at night for from 30-40 units a day. I had built up my tolerance to such a point that I did not stumble or slur. After that for the last two years, and swearing I would stop on the tomorrow that never comes a hundred times, I knew I had to quit for good. So I finally did September 21 2010. I never look back. NO feeling like I want to drink ever again. See. I already drank tens of thousands of drinks and don't need to see what it is like anymore. The high is not missed. I don't want to run away. I admitted I didn't even like the taste when I was at my worst, and was amazed that I still drank. Now I don't and won't ever again.

DisplacedGRITS

Glad to see you again. The most important part of falling off the wagon is getting back on and figuring out where that bump in the road is so you're ready for it next time.

saphira

Thanks for all of the support! I'm happy to report that I made it through the night without alcohol!! What a battle though... I'm so sick of having to talk myself out of things! I spent the whole night talking to myself...trying to picture how great it would feel to wake up feeling good and then I would picture how great it would be to take that first sip and the burn that goes along with it. Back and forth, back and forth.... exhausting. BUT the important thing is that I made it!