positivechange

I thought "It's ok, it's the holidays, for crying out loud! I'll stay away from hard liquor but I'll have a glass of wine, a glass of champagne"...Well, the first night I did I was golden, socializing and having a great time, got a little buz, but I was in control... so I thought it safe to stick to the so very innocent wine, beer and/or champagne in social events, hey, as long as it wasn't hard liquor, RIGHT?! WRONG. People told me how last night it got to a point where I was ordering champagne glasses and just downing them like water, stood in front of the event photographer and began posing for him in very stupid ways and then when I began to stumble is when my boyfriend thought "it's time to go" and took me out of there, minus my shoes because I could no longer walk straight with high-heels on...

Today I woke up and dont remember half of last night, feel intense and deep guilt and remorse, feel like a failure, I guess its just NO ALCOHOL for me, PERIOD. No matter what kind, no matter what level of alcohol the beverage has, I'm just not made for it.

I hope ...I dont even know what I hope, I feel so stupid, so shameful, like I couldn't pull it together once again when I had been doing so well for a month already. Not a drop of alcohol for 2012 I'm supposing, not even if I could have a great, conscious time with wine a week before...I guess that was just luck...sooner or later I end up indulging myself to oblivion, and the next-morning headache....OH, THE HEADACHE....I'm in pain right now, both physically, and emotionally...That was a work Christmas party last night, I'm so embarrassed...

I'll never be able to drink again, will I? And I'll have to cope with the temptation forever, won't I?

Latte

One day at a time. Today is a new day.

It gets better.

doggonecarl

No, you can't drink...ever. But that doesn't mean you will have to deal with the temptation to drink forever. A solid recovery means you won't be obsessed about drinking.

What are you going to do this time to ensure you succeed?

SomethingBetter

Quote: "I'm supposing, not even if I could have a great, conscious time with wine a week before...I guess that was just luck...sooner or later I end up indulging myself to oblivion"

Yea for me it got to be like playing Russian roulette, 5 out of 6 times I was half way ok, but that 1 time “BANG”, it’s not worth it anymore for me.

Quitting forever is a lot to bite off, sometimes it’s really hard to follow through with my promise of forever, but if I follow the one rule and that’s not drink everything else falls into place, I may have lots of work left to do on me but the 1 single thing I need to remember is to NEVER drink alcohol for as long as I live.

We have to quit sometime anyway right? I have a few alcoholic uncles that were in their 50’s that will never touch alcohol again, RIP.

Sapling

Man....I don't miss that....The shame of that alone should be enough to motivate you. I'd say you are just like the rest of us.....Just not made to drink alcohol.....At least there is something out there to strive for....It's called Living. Best of luck with however you do it....Just do it.

mwstylee

I would've just taken the "relapse" as a lesson learned: I'm not able to drink normal so I shouldn't try again. Just pick yourself up and start again!

least

Drinking again doesn't sound like a good idea, and as for temptation, it gets less and less until finally it's just a faint whisper that's easy to ignore.


I used to be upset that I couldn't drink anymore - now I'm glad I'm sober and don't want to drink ever again.

langkah

'I'll never be able to drink again, will I?'

Nah PC, you'll always be able to drink like this. As you described how the evening went and how you feel now it doesn't sound too tempting to me, but each to their own.

Do you really think you'd miss all that a whole lot? If you did you could always intentionally embarass yourself and fall around on purpose and then cause those who care for you grief and then drink some soapy water to make yourself feel awful physically for a day or two, just to recapture the old days now and then if you find yourself missing them.

Strange that we're often greatly reluctant to leave that kind of 'fun' behind and move on to a healthy life, isn't it? You'd think we'd be desperate to stop hurting ourselves and the innocent, but most prefer to get sicker, 'cause we have the false idea firmly implanted that drinking is where the fun is and we are almost on the verge of being in control of our drinking for no real reason at all. More fantasy, as it will be as it has been until it unavoidably gets much worse.

You get to decide the limits that you will tolerate your life to be damaged by your drinking. And when you reach those limits you then get to set new limits that you will tolerate. Being continually very flexible with one's tolerance for self-damage is a useful alcoholic trait.

Anyway, the time for a traditional New Years resolution is arriving shortly.

Hevyn

Positive change, I so understand just how you feel right now. I did that to myself for most of my life. I'd insist all I had to do was use willpower and I'd be fine. I didn't have to let one drink turn into 10, did I? Of course not. Yet I always did.

I wanted so much to 'enjoy' the holidays in 2007. I hadn't had anything to drink for a few months. There was nothing in my system - I had a clean slate, right? I allowed myself a few on Christmas Eve, & felt great. I thought - 'See? I can do this!" The next evening I had drinks again. Now it was up to 5 or 6. The day after, drinking started at noon. Same old story - off I went. 3 wks. later I was shaking, crying, begging for someone or something to set me free from the prison I found myself in once again. Fortunately I had already found SR. All I needed to do was allow it to work it's magic. I made it out of hell. I can't dance with the devil ever again.

PC - you can do this. As Least said, coping with the temptation gets easier as we go along. I was a life long drinker, but I am now free. You can be, too.

Itchy

Pos,
You asked:

"I'll never be able to drink again, will I? And I'll have to cope with the temptation forever, won't I?"

I have "never been able to drink again" for 1 and a quarter years now. So at least from my personal experience you will not have to cope with the cravings at all in my case and hardly at all not even daily from what you will hear from most.

You certainly can drink again and be a drunk and eventually die from it much younger than you would have otherwise. So if you were asking will I ever be able to drink normally again, I am sorry but no, we can't. It is the early weeks of sobriety that are tough. Then after six months for me it got a whole lot easier. Now after a year it is a non-issue. I have become a non-drinker by choice and am comfortable in my own skin with that. You are grieving for alcohol and feeling sorry for yourself. That is natural. Now once you get over it, you can start to recover. I made that decision before I quit for good.

I invite you to go through the withdrawal, early discomforts of alcohol withdrawal, the deceiving 3-6 months when you feel much better and think that recovery means we can have that one or drink normally like you just did, and then the reinforcing work in the last six months to make a year where you can relax about temptations, unless you decide you got a bum deal in life, throw a self pity party or self deception party, and invite all your old demons over to attend.

You can't have your health/reputation/self-respect/relationships/career/security clearances/freedom from incarceration/dignity and your alcohol too.

Whatever label you are comfortable with, problem drinker, alcoholic, addictive personality, addict, no willpower - no matter the label, once you find out you can't stop with one, you can't have that one and stop.

I am recovered and still one drink, and for that matter one cigarette, from being back where I started, and from what I hear, within a week worse, if I say that I deserve to indulge myself.

While that may not be what you wanted to hear, that is perhaps what you need to hear.

Opivotal

I think the difference is, we "crossed that line" and drinking is no longer an option. It's just that simple. I threw in the towel after nights just like you had positivechange. I was tired of the humiliation, sorrow, and regret. I needed to get my life in order and gain my self respect back. It just wasn't worth it anymore. Game, Set, Match.

It gets so much easier once you give up the fight. I can tell you it was the best decision I ever made. I can't drink period. The end. The only thing that can destroy me is if I listen to that voice in my head. You know the one. The liar, that wants to kill you, the one that says you CAN have that first drink.

You can give up alcohol and live a happy, productive life. The decision is yours.




Best Wishes To You!

OCDDan

Once you realize you can't drink, it's easy

Dee74

some great advice here PC - you've found out like I did, and I think we all did, that alcohol is alcohol, no matter whether it's 'hard liquor' or beer and wine - there is no such thing as 'better' drinks for folks for us.

If you want a life different from the one you've experienced in the past few days then no - you can't drink again IMO.

But I found once I finally accepted that - the temptation stopped too.
I'm not struggling with my sobriety anymore.

Its the way I really want to be - and my life is great, into the bargain
I haven't lost out on the deal.

Welcome back
D

Sparkydog

Temptation from what? embarrassment? you never have to worry about it again, you will be in complete control, whats not to like about that.

nvrbeentospain

As a person who drank primarily wine and beer, I've got to agree with the alcohol is alcohol thing. I think almost all of us have tried to control our addictions by using tools like avoiding hard liquor, and it never works. The good thing is that you've learned that and now you can move on.

About temptations, it'll get better. I'm nearing 80 days, and I still have intermittent temptations, but it's really not a big deal. I wouldn't say I've had a full on craving in a long time. Once you think through what the drink will do for you (feel good for a little, but then you'll need more and so on), alcohol starts to look less appealing. Even those "happy" social drinking folks aren't getting much for their booze.

Hope you're feeling better. Ibuprofen, lots of water and a greasy meal might help for the physical stuff. The psychological stuff can be helped by being here and making a plan to move forward. You can have a better life.

Anna

I really felt like such a weight was lifted from me when I finally stopped drinking. I no longer had to plan, plot, obsess about drinking or not drinking. It was quite liberating after what I had gone through with alcohol.

Threshold

It's relative. What I mean by that is that if you identify yourself by something and then lose it, and still continue to identify yourself by it, you are going to miss it more because you "hitched your wagon to that star"

So, if you keep thinking in your head, about NOT being able to drink again, and you identify yourself as a person who is not ever going to be able to drink again, you are essentially keeping yourself in a sort of mental bondage to alcohol.

When your life is full of new experiences and you are identifying with those, it will be like, 'oh yeah, alcohol, been there done that..."

I mean, what would you think of this, I am going through a divorce from a man I dearly love. What if I kept thinking about how I will NEVER kiss him again? And keep identifying myself as Mr Blank's ex wife. And when I go out with any new man just think about how it used to be with my ex, instead of enjoying the new friends and new dates.

At some point, we move on, and our life is full of things and experiences and we just don't spend much time missing or being tempted any more. There is an understandable and real grieving/fear period, but we do move on.

coffeespoons

I totally agree with doggonecarl...

Once you're comfortable in your recovery, I can tell you that you WON'T be tempted to drink forever...at least not with the same "pull"...I'm about to head out to my 2nd Christmas Party of the weekend...I'm bringing my own rootbeer, and I'm excited to see some old friends. Alcohol IS NOT AN OPTION for me at this party. Once you take it off the table as an option, you'll be able to look forward to all of the other great things about going out - like laughing with old friends, and eating delicious party food .

I wish you so much luck! You CAN do this, I promise.

EmeraldRose

How long were you sober for? Sounds like you made a conscious decision to drink -by chosing wine over the hard stuff. Hopefully, you remember your feelings today clearly and don't ever let that happen again...and day one can start over BEFORE Christmas.

flamingredhair

So, question for anyone. WHEN will the cravings start to dissipate?

For the first 20 days or so I was sober I had no cravings whatsoever. I've relapsed twice since and each time the cravings were stronger than ever.

How long am I going to feel obsessed with thoughts of drinking??