I used to think alcoholics were just weak people
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I used to think alcoholics were just weak people
On day 1 again after yet another bender (the 4th in this month alone)
I never thought I would become one, and I just assumed alcoholics were weak-willed individuals that didn't want to try. Now, after been an alkie for the past 5 years and not being able to quit, my opinion has certainly changed. I would think in the past that these people are letting a liquid control/screw up their lives and they just aren't strong enough to stop. I look back at how little I've accomplished these few years and it's all because I can't stop drinking. The key word here is "can't" ...not won't.
It is such a confusing thing to me, to know all the times I've had to go through withdrawal while trying to quit. And thinking to myself "well, this is pure hell. I will never do this to myself again". Then only to go buy a bottle of vodka later that evening when the shaking has subsided a bit.
Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope to make a conscious effort to stay sober this time. I'm in my 20s so that is the only thing giving me hope - that I have time to turn things around. I bet many of you know all about redemption and recovery, and I very badly want both of those things. My plan right now is not to drink today and see where that takes me.
I never thought I would become one, and I just assumed alcoholics were weak-willed individuals that didn't want to try. Now, after been an alkie for the past 5 years and not being able to quit, my opinion has certainly changed. I would think in the past that these people are letting a liquid control/screw up their lives and they just aren't strong enough to stop. I look back at how little I've accomplished these few years and it's all because I can't stop drinking. The key word here is "can't" ...not won't.
It is such a confusing thing to me, to know all the times I've had to go through withdrawal while trying to quit. And thinking to myself "well, this is pure hell. I will never do this to myself again". Then only to go buy a bottle of vodka later that evening when the shaking has subsided a bit.
Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope to make a conscious effort to stay sober this time. I'm in my 20s so that is the only thing giving me hope - that I have time to turn things around. I bet many of you know all about redemption and recovery, and I very badly want both of those things. My plan right now is not to drink today and see where that takes me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm not at all weak - but I was addicted. There really is a difference.
I'm sorry you're struggling. I think action is the key - I used to wake up hungover and simply try to stay sober - invariably I found myself at the liquor store time and time again.
Why not find some real life support, speak to some people about your options, try something really different this time, besides trying mwstylee?
D
I'm sorry you're struggling. I think action is the key - I used to wake up hungover and simply try to stay sober - invariably I found myself at the liquor store time and time again.
Why not find some real life support, speak to some people about your options, try something really different this time, besides trying mwstylee?
D
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
My AA sponsor said it best the other night at a meeting.
"I used to think those people holding signs begging at the side of the road were weak. I know now they are much stronger than I am because I would have chosen death before that humiliation."
As Dee said. It is addiction.
I didn't drink like an alcoholic because of a bad childhood or anything like that.
I drank like an alcoholic because...I'm an alcoholic! Period.
Willpower and good intentions alone didn't bring me back to sanity. Many people have held my hand along the way.
I hope you find a program that works for you. Maybe look at past posts of some others with longer sobriety and look at their journey. You might find something that works.
"I used to think those people holding signs begging at the side of the road were weak. I know now they are much stronger than I am because I would have chosen death before that humiliation."
As Dee said. It is addiction.
I didn't drink like an alcoholic because of a bad childhood or anything like that.
I drank like an alcoholic because...I'm an alcoholic! Period.
Willpower and good intentions alone didn't bring me back to sanity. Many people have held my hand along the way.
I hope you find a program that works for you. Maybe look at past posts of some others with longer sobriety and look at their journey. You might find something that works.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by mwstylee 
... I look back at how little I've accomplished these few years and it's all because I can't stop drinking. The key word here is "can't" ...not won't.
"I hope I will find te courage to go to a meeting one of these days. Whatever I am doing isn not working at all."
It's one of those days. If you don't change, you won't change.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 450
Thanks for the replies. I was thinking of an Einstein quote earlier this morning when I was curled up in bed holding my head and shaking like a leaf and dry heaving: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
That is what I've been doing for 5 years. I don't believe I'm insane but it's amazing how powerful alcohol is and how it can literally make a person go a little crazy. No more "experiments" of saying to myself "ok, i'll just have 2 shots of time and that's it." 2 shots always ends up being 20. Then 5 bottles. Then all of a sudden, 5 blurry days of my life just passed.
That is what I've been doing for 5 years. I don't believe I'm insane but it's amazing how powerful alcohol is and how it can literally make a person go a little crazy. No more "experiments" of saying to myself "ok, i'll just have 2 shots of time and that's it." 2 shots always ends up being 20. Then 5 bottles. Then all of a sudden, 5 blurry days of my life just passed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
MWstylee,
I think that you have clearly established that you are an alcoholic,that will power alone is not working, so what is your next step.
I keep sober with AA and this forum, no way would will power alone keep me sober.
Get a program.
All the best
CaiHong
I think that you have clearly established that you are an alcoholic,that will power alone is not working, so what is your next step.
I keep sober with AA and this forum, no way would will power alone keep me sober.
Get a program.
All the best
CaiHong
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 450
I know this sounds twisted because it's my life on the line, but I am so extremely hesitant about AA. I would be open to a meeting that is not in my city. I've never been to a meeting and don't know how completely "anonymous" it is. My friends and family don't know that I suffer with this, and I'd like to keep it that way. My paranoia is to the point that I've refused to see a doctor for detox assistance. I've thought about a walk-in clinic or someone that isn't "my" normal doc but still don't know if I want to go through with it.
I am going out of state for work, a finance seminar, in 2 weeks. It only lasts 8am-5pm four days in a row and I would like to seek out an AA meeting during the evening to see how it is. I realize my actions/decisions are a bit irrational right now....
Thanks for the supportive words thus far.
I am going out of state for work, a finance seminar, in 2 weeks. It only lasts 8am-5pm four days in a row and I would like to seek out an AA meeting during the evening to see how it is. I realize my actions/decisions are a bit irrational right now....
Thanks for the supportive words thus far.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
I've always heard EVERYONE first meeting creates high anxiety. Hopefully, like my experience, those fears will prove to be unfounded in reality for you also.
Even though the basic recovery "process" outlined didn't seem workable (because of a lifelong secular world-view) I did find meetings very helpful.
.......esp. early on.
You're so right about the gravity of your situation, " because it's my life on the line"
The more I've learned about the AVRT method, (under "special interest groups/-/" secular" here at SR).......the more I've begun to truly understand why; and how, I found myself in such a vicious debilatating cycle of alchohol addiction.
Most importantly, ....and mostly inadvertantly, I realized I was using the AVRT method to break the cycle. Whatever path you take, the most important IMHO is to not drink as you go.
The "not drinking , no matter what" idea worked for me initially , whether it's for just 5 minutes, 5 hours, a day at a time , or eventually a lifelong commitment.
What could be more dynamic than a forum like SR !?! Folks overcoming addictions from all over the world and with such strong support and diversity. This place has been a lifesaver .
Hopefully, if you choose not to go to a local meeting initially, the one out of town is a great idea. You'll be able to meet some folks who used to be in your shoes;
.....and found a different way to live.
Free
Even though the basic recovery "process" outlined didn't seem workable (because of a lifelong secular world-view) I did find meetings very helpful.
.......esp. early on.
You're so right about the gravity of your situation, " because it's my life on the line"
The more I've learned about the AVRT method, (under "special interest groups/-/" secular" here at SR).......the more I've begun to truly understand why; and how, I found myself in such a vicious debilatating cycle of alchohol addiction.
Most importantly, ....and mostly inadvertantly, I realized I was using the AVRT method to break the cycle. Whatever path you take, the most important IMHO is to not drink as you go.
The "not drinking , no matter what" idea worked for me initially , whether it's for just 5 minutes, 5 hours, a day at a time , or eventually a lifelong commitment.
What could be more dynamic than a forum like SR !?! Folks overcoming addictions from all over the world and with such strong support and diversity. This place has been a lifesaver .
Hopefully, if you choose not to go to a local meeting initially, the one out of town is a great idea. You'll be able to meet some folks who used to be in your shoes;
.....and found a different way to live.
Free
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ohio
Posts: 39
Hello Mwstylee, first of all congrats on your decision to quit. I hope you find a program solution that is going to work for you.
-Never thought youd be one but you are...you said it
-You cant stop...you said it
-Your life is on the line...you said it
-You are an alcoholic....You said it
One thing alcoholic try at first is to still keep control, but heres a new flash for you.. You have lost control and no matter what your thinking right now is yes.... let go!
Is AA anonymous? Trust me that should be the least of your concerns. We are broken people in a broken society. We are tryin to find our space in a world that we all try to look at others and say "they are worse that me" or "im better than that" you are an alcoholic that is what your are. Your not worse than me and Im not better than you. The difference between you and I is... I had the courage to go splash some water on my face and look in the mirror and tell myself Im not in control and bend to one knee and say I need help. This path is layed out for you by me and every other person that walked this path before you. I didnt have to be spritual to recover from alcoholism I had to be honest. Your reputation in a meeting isnt on the line but your life may be. Goodluck to you and you have found a very good place here.
-Never thought youd be one but you are...you said it
-You cant stop...you said it
-Your life is on the line...you said it
-You are an alcoholic....You said it
One thing alcoholic try at first is to still keep control, but heres a new flash for you.. You have lost control and no matter what your thinking right now is yes.... let go!
Is AA anonymous? Trust me that should be the least of your concerns. We are broken people in a broken society. We are tryin to find our space in a world that we all try to look at others and say "they are worse that me" or "im better than that" you are an alcoholic that is what your are. Your not worse than me and Im not better than you. The difference between you and I is... I had the courage to go splash some water on my face and look in the mirror and tell myself Im not in control and bend to one knee and say I need help. This path is layed out for you by me and every other person that walked this path before you. I didnt have to be spritual to recover from alcoholism I had to be honest. Your reputation in a meeting isnt on the line but your life may be. Goodluck to you and you have found a very good place here.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 450
Originally Posted by phil
Your reputation in a meeting isnt on the line but your life may be. Goodluck to you and you have found a very good place here.
The catalyst for change this time was different than other times. I totally let down my nephew this weekend who really likes to spend time with his favorite uncle (me). I was just too drunk to follow through with plans and it upset him. That really hit home for me because the last thing I want to do is let that little guy down. I hope this emotional aspect kicks my ass into gear.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
My counselor used to talk about will power, maybe it's part of recovery, but I knew I couldn't do it through that alone.
I usually prefer to leave religion out of this section of forum but I'm a Christian so I subscribe to the philosophy that I myself am weak but in Christ I am made strong.
I care for a child whose mother died from a drug overdose (I've been in recovery myself for 2 years). It's very difficult to explain to him. He asks me 'why can't people like you just stop?' He can't understand why she couldn't quit and still be there for him. How can you explain to an 11 year old the nature of this illness, stop him internalizing it? I know that at heart, she did love him, but drugs stole her from us, stole her spirit and soul. She didn't care enough about herself to make the effort.
I usually prefer to leave religion out of this section of forum but I'm a Christian so I subscribe to the philosophy that I myself am weak but in Christ I am made strong.
I care for a child whose mother died from a drug overdose (I've been in recovery myself for 2 years). It's very difficult to explain to him. He asks me 'why can't people like you just stop?' He can't understand why she couldn't quit and still be there for him. How can you explain to an 11 year old the nature of this illness, stop him internalizing it? I know that at heart, she did love him, but drugs stole her from us, stole her spirit and soul. She didn't care enough about herself to make the effort.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 450
Glad to say I'm 3 days sober. I didn't expect it this soon, but I feel so much better physically and emotionally. I can only imagine how much better it will get down the line if I remain away from the vodka.
I had insomnia last night, managed to sleep 3 hours. Even with just 3 hours and very groggy, I woke up feeling 100x better than I did on the "best" hangover days. I'm usually one of the last stragglers into work but I can't believe I was the 2nd person there today. Thanks again all for the words of encouragement.
I had insomnia last night, managed to sleep 3 hours. Even with just 3 hours and very groggy, I woke up feeling 100x better than I did on the "best" hangover days. I'm usually one of the last stragglers into work but I can't believe I was the 2nd person there today. Thanks again all for the words of encouragement.
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