I am a mess
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Eliasson,
I posted earlier. Came back, read the later posts, and here I am again.
It's overwhelming, I know. I am in the middle of the trasition from wife to "I dont' know WHO I am" 2000 miles from everything I knew and loved. Scary? Try paralyzing, but here is the truth...I only have to deal with it one day at a time. With you and your son's health issues, you know all about overwhelmed and one day at a time. If we look too far ahead we give up before we begin, we have no choice but to move forward on faith that when we take the next step the ground will be there to meet our feet.
Living as a drunk in an abusive marriage is certainly no better than living sober with hope. All of us here know where active addiction will lead us, that is pretty much a guarantee. But sobriety? Could lead us anywhere.
Here is something I never really saw and understood till just now, reading your story and your sharing of feelings. I got into recovery shortly before the marriage finally disintegrated. I look back and wonder if the change in dynamics caused by my getting into recovery didn't play a large part in it, but...no matter how heartbreaking my current situation is, the future is brighter, and I am sober.
Had I stayed...I don't think I would have stayed sober. I am MORE able to live sober through this heart ache, tearful, fearful time, than I was to live in that marriage sober. Wow, now THAT is saying something.
I was a lobster being boiled slowly and alive, crawled out of the pot and was like "dang, how'd I end up on a stove! At least the pot had water in it...I think I'll crawl back in.."
But luckily my ex had put the top and the pot, I couldn't crawl back in, so, I am making my way overland...but I have a chance now that I am not getting boiled alive.
I posted earlier. Came back, read the later posts, and here I am again.
It's overwhelming, I know. I am in the middle of the trasition from wife to "I dont' know WHO I am" 2000 miles from everything I knew and loved. Scary? Try paralyzing, but here is the truth...I only have to deal with it one day at a time. With you and your son's health issues, you know all about overwhelmed and one day at a time. If we look too far ahead we give up before we begin, we have no choice but to move forward on faith that when we take the next step the ground will be there to meet our feet.
Living as a drunk in an abusive marriage is certainly no better than living sober with hope. All of us here know where active addiction will lead us, that is pretty much a guarantee. But sobriety? Could lead us anywhere.
Here is something I never really saw and understood till just now, reading your story and your sharing of feelings. I got into recovery shortly before the marriage finally disintegrated. I look back and wonder if the change in dynamics caused by my getting into recovery didn't play a large part in it, but...no matter how heartbreaking my current situation is, the future is brighter, and I am sober.
Had I stayed...I don't think I would have stayed sober. I am MORE able to live sober through this heart ache, tearful, fearful time, than I was to live in that marriage sober. Wow, now THAT is saying something.
I was a lobster being boiled slowly and alive, crawled out of the pot and was like "dang, how'd I end up on a stove! At least the pot had water in it...I think I'll crawl back in.."
But luckily my ex had put the top and the pot, I couldn't crawl back in, so, I am making my way overland...but I have a chance now that I am not getting boiled alive.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Eliasson,
I'm not sure if I ever responded to your posts, because in a way, I couldn't. Not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. I didn't want to go thru what you are going thru, didn't want to deal with a child who had cancer. Couldn't. I went thru cancer, 2 of them at the same time.
I was in an abusive relationship. I tried my best. It wasn't good enuf, so I drank, and I drank, and I drank. I survived the cancer. But I let my children down. They needed me to be there for them, I wasn't. I was drinking my way into oblivion.
Your children need you to be strong right now. I wasn't, I was weak. My children would tell me that I should have left him years and years ago, but I didn't.
Some things are really hard to do.
I just think that maybe, and this is only my opinion, and I wish I would have taken my own advice then, is to get away from him. I was of no use to anyone, when I would have my own self pity parties. There's a lot more that I want to say, but just don't know how to word it.
Just don't pick up, sleep in a separate room, it's OK.
I'm not sure if I ever responded to your posts, because in a way, I couldn't. Not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. I didn't want to go thru what you are going thru, didn't want to deal with a child who had cancer. Couldn't. I went thru cancer, 2 of them at the same time.
I was in an abusive relationship. I tried my best. It wasn't good enuf, so I drank, and I drank, and I drank. I survived the cancer. But I let my children down. They needed me to be there for them, I wasn't. I was drinking my way into oblivion.
Your children need you to be strong right now. I wasn't, I was weak. My children would tell me that I should have left him years and years ago, but I didn't.
Some things are really hard to do.
I just think that maybe, and this is only my opinion, and I wish I would have taken my own advice then, is to get away from him. I was of no use to anyone, when I would have my own self pity parties. There's a lot more that I want to say, but just don't know how to word it.
Just don't pick up, sleep in a separate room, it's OK.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,964
Its amazing how addiction can impermanent every aspect of ones life. It really is all consuming. Yet when some practicable recovery skills are learned and in place, the angst, confusion and the elaborate tangles of life fall away.
Oh but the price of exiting active addiction. Letting go of the confusion, frustration...is too much for many. The sinister comfort of being lost, floundering for answers that will never come, wanting for release that fails to be...is the challenge of a life time. A challenge that can be won.
Keep seeking a way out because it can be done. Not by luck or fortune but by constant diligence of working a recovery plan. What is your recovery plan?
Oh but the price of exiting active addiction. Letting go of the confusion, frustration...is too much for many. The sinister comfort of being lost, floundering for answers that will never come, wanting for release that fails to be...is the challenge of a life time. A challenge that can be won.
Keep seeking a way out because it can be done. Not by luck or fortune but by constant diligence of working a recovery plan. What is your recovery plan?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Corinth, TX
Posts: 490
Thank you all for your responses, each one has touched my heart and I'm so grateful for all of my SR friends! I WILL NOT DRINK. I will be true to myself, no matter how scary it is, and I will forge ahead despite what the future might hold for me. I will be the best mom I can possibly be. I'm terrified. But sober. I have to believe things can only get better, no matter what happens. I just can't imagine living the rest of my life in this situation, feeling the way I do, and walking on eggshells. I know I can do this, because you all tell me I can. A million thanks for that, and big (((hugs))) to you all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Eliasson,
I so understand that feeling! Have you looked into Rational Recovery and AVRT? It helps me so much. There is a good thread in the Secular Section about it. AA helped me a lot in many ways to be a better person, I think, but RR really worked best for ending my addiction to alcohol.
Please hang in there. SR has been a great support for me.
Love from Lenina
I so understand that feeling! Have you looked into Rational Recovery and AVRT? It helps me so much. There is a good thread in the Secular Section about it. AA helped me a lot in many ways to be a better person, I think, but RR really worked best for ending my addiction to alcohol.
Please hang in there. SR has been a great support for me.
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Elliasson,
One more thing - you are not a mess. You are a brave, strong woman that is dealing with recovery under very tough conditions. You have many friends on this forum that admire you and want only the best for you. Stay sober and give some thought to planning ahead....you don't have to live that way forever. Just don't drink, whatever you do.
One more thing - you are not a mess. You are a brave, strong woman that is dealing with recovery under very tough conditions. You have many friends on this forum that admire you and want only the best for you. Stay sober and give some thought to planning ahead....you don't have to live that way forever. Just don't drink, whatever you do.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
