bayliss

I have such an all or nothing approach when it comes to everything...is it possible that since I am a binge-eater I can also be a binge-drinker?? And that if I get a handle on either one that that the latter will follow?

I quit my job last Thursday - I was absent from work a lot because of my drinking, but there was also a lot of workplace harassment and verbal abuse that went on that led me to drink even more after the day was done.
Now I have so much time to myself...by myself...sometimes there is booze in the house and if there isn't, I go out and buy some.
But something sorta changed in my thinking. I am sitting here saying I really don't want to drink anymore. I have a glass of Bailey's beside me, I don't know if it's because I don't like Bailey's and would rather drink wine...but I used to just drink anything to get a buzz...I just don't want to be a prisoner of this anymore. I can do so much better. Am I just coping with my loneliness this way? I don't want to drink but there is this voice - the all or nothing voice - in my head telling me to finish the bottle just because I opened it. I don't want to though...but that voice is strong.

I drink to mask my feelings about myself too...not only am I now unemployed...but I hate my body and the way I look. And if I even binge eat - I don't think "Oh, well, since you cheated you might as well eat whatever for the rest of the day." I instead think, "Since you cheated you might as well go out and buy some wine and just drink and forget about your failures".
This is hard. Now it's even more difficult since I have no health insurance...
I am reading as much as I can and I haven't come on here in quite a long time...
But I need a little support.
I also feel that it isn't about my boyfriend loving me anymore and seeing me do this to myself...it's now feeling that my boyfriend no longer loves me but feels like he has to take care of me.
It's a sad sad state I'm in.

Just wanted to share how I've been feeling the last little while.
I usually get drunk on weekends but this weekend I didn't even want to drink.
Maybe this is my bottom...I need to keep strong and try this again...hopefully once and for all.

Gerbosko

bayliss - I was on day 27 sober when I lost my job, I was very hard on myself and I was in a very emotional state. I stayed sober because I wanted to face problems head on and not stick my head in the ground and ignore what's going on around me. After I quit drinking I started to exercise and now I'm walking everyday for about 3-4 miles and I have a sense of happiness around me because I'm staying strong.

Not everyday is going to be a wonderful, beautiful day. When you drink to mask your problems, you're still going to have to wake up and face them. It's like saying that you're going to drink alcohol to get rid of credit card debt, there is no logical sense in that because you're only creating more debt and the current debt still exists. The only way to get rid of it is by paying it off and moving forward with your life.

If you sit and mope in a room all day, it will not solve nothing. You'll need to take action in your life if you want to change. The day after I lost my job, I emailed a local nearby school and now I'm set to register in December. The little effort I took to email could potentially turn my whole life around in a few months.. I filled out applications and I got a call last week about a job interview this Friday. I won't be hungover, I won't be grumpy, I won't have to "fake" myself in the interview. Am I a little nervous? Yes, because the job market is highly competitive.. It might just be a job till I get through school and get a degree and move onto something else.

What I'm saying is - Little things in life can has very positive effects if you just give them effort.

Pigtails

Hi Bayliss. I was just posting about this last night because I was having the same thoughts. I too am an extreme, all or nothing person, and I've read/heard that from a lot of alcoholics. My mind sometimes tells me to just have balance and moderation in my life, including with alcohol. It's like, yes, I'm a binge eater... I either eat really badly (and once I eat something bad, I'm like oh well, I'll just keep eating bad today, and tomorrow... etc.), or really really well. Since NOT eating isn't an option, I have to learn how to control it, and I sometimes think, isn't it the same as with alcohol?

But then I realize that alcohol and food are two totally different things. If I am unable or if it is really hard for me to just have one drink and not a bazillion, then why take the chance of just having one drink?! Alcohol isn't a necessity like food; in fact, it is very bad for me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Since I don't need it, WHY drink it?

My friends who drink "normally" think I should just train myself on how to have one or two. They don't understand that it doesn't work that way for me. I am different. Maybe my extreme personality makes me more likely to be an alcoholic, or maybe my alcoholism impedes my ability to manage/balance/structure the rest of my life, but all I know for sure is that alcohol and I are a dangerous combination. It sounds like you and I are similar and so I just wanted to say I understand but I think you will be happier and healthier in the long run if you don't drink. It's kind of like a crack addict saying "Why don't I just try to moderate and have one or two hits a day?" It just doesn't work that way for us with alcohol, and why even try it when it makes no sense?

I also understand your loneliness and restlessness. Are you involved in AA or is there some support group you can get involved withs o you have more meaning and structure to your days? I think just sitting around would drive me crazy. But then again you now have enough free time to start to structure your life the way you want it. Try to make a schedule and stick to it, such as waking up at a certain time, exercising, applying for jobs or whatever else you have as a goal, going to a meeting, etc. You can teach yourself balance and structure in the rest of your life while you cut out the alcohol for good. That is my suggestion anyway. And perhaps you have a friend or two who will meet up with you for a coffee and a chat to help you feel less lonely? Best wishes to you, and stay strong, you can do this.

doggonecarl

We all had reasons why we drank. You have listed a bunch:

Lots of reasons to drink. But there is only one reason a person CAN'T quit drinking, and that's alcoholism. So maybe that's the real reason you drink. Because you can't NOT drink.

Bayliss, you may not be able to change all the things in you life that you feel are making you drink. But you can stop drinking! You can get sober. And that is a start. Then you can start turning the negatives in your life to positives.

I hope you find the strength within to change. Good luck.

Dee74

I think Gerbosko, pigtails and Doggone make some excellent points bayliss

I think your first priority should be to quit drinking - everything else good in my life has flowed from that one single decision back in 2007.

I hope you'll follow up on looking for support for that.

I'm glad to see you back here

D

Terminally Unique

Bayliss,

I have to be blunt here, because I speak from experience. I also thought people at work were harassing me, trying to get me fired, etc, which was true, but in hindsight, I had outmaneuvered such people for years. That is, until my alcohol consumption got out of control, and I started making extremely stupid decisions that I would not have made otherwise. The alcohol warps your perceptions, and you can't see it while you are stuck in the bubble.

Unlike Gerbosko, when I finally got laid off, I just drank, all day, every day, for a very long time, and dug quite the hole for myself. You have no idea what I would give to go back in time and do things differently. The absolute worst thing that you can do when you don't have a job and have free time by yourself is to drink. Trust me, things can get extremely bad very fast that way. Please use this time to quit instead.

susanlauren

Bayliss,
I would suggest you start with one thing at a time. No one can solve all their difficulties at once. Although you may not be happy with yourself for binge eating, I suspect your eating is not affecting you as negatively and clouding your perceptions as much as your drinking is. One thing at a time; one day at a time. The folks here have given you some very wise advice.
Susan Lauren

Anna

Bayliss, it sounds like you're getting overwhelmed.

Get rid of the alcohol you're drinking, and don't buy anymore. Getting through each day without drinking will help you to feel better about yourself and your sobriety. Now you are unemployed so take the opportunity to get yourself well and to figure out a way to move forward with your life.

Believe that you can do this!

Tigger41

If you are recently unemployed you can get bridging insurance - you should get the paper work soon. Take advantage of it if you believe you're going to need this through you getting sober.

And yes we all hit a different "bottom" that signals that we are to stop drinking. Mine was just realizing that I didn't drink to feel better - I was drinking because I had to drink to fell at least close to normal and it was making me feel worse about myself not better in any way.

I hope we see you back here posting.

Jenners

I had often felt over-looked for promotions or projects in my last job. I guess I figured because I was "smart" enough to pull off my job even with the addiction that I must be doing such a great job I was worthy or promotions. I am guessing I was not really coming off the way that I thought...

It is dangerous to be home all day. While spending time at home with kids, and a husband that worked a lot, I would have to push myself to last until 3 without a drink (sometimes earlier). I would drink about a drink an hour so by 8 I had only had 5 drinks over 5 hours, which didn't seem to bad at all. Then I would put the kids to bed and have 2-3 drinks an hour over the next couple hours. What starts as slow drinking to take the edge off turns into 10+ drinks a day. Everyday.

1undone

Oh dear! You have created quite a dependent life, boyfriend, alcohol, food, cognitive distortions, etc. I'd say it can only get better at this point. What would you do if you woke up tomorrow with none of these issues? Think about it. I bet there are a ton of things you could do free from all the self inflicted pain and destruction. I should know! LOL I have a lot of work to do and it sounds like you do too. So lately I've spent time getting to know myself separate from the internal drama. I guess I'm not so bad.

A wise person told me I need to develop a "sober history" because most of my memories of day to day life have been surrounded by eating disorder behavior, control, drinking, expecting others to pick up my pieces, etc. it's a lot of work but what choice do we have? Die or change. That's black and white thinking that can be good!

artsoul

I think Doggone is right - there are a million "reasons" to drink but it really comes down to alcoholism.

Your post takes me back to when I was drinking - I spent a lot of time just thinking about it. I knew the elephant was in the room, but I just kept trying to redecorate around it.......

One of the very best things about sobriety for me is that I don't think about alcohol much any more, except when I check in here. With my OCD it took about 10 months to a year for the urges to fade, but it got a little better week by week. So just think about it - a year from now you could still be a prisoner, as you called it, or you could be free. (p.s. it's worth it.....)

I know you can do it, bayliss - you just need to come to the decision. Just wish I could save you some time, because I remember those days very well.:ghug3

soberred

Alcohol has a funny way of turning our lives upside down and causing drama. The old "making a mountain out of a mole hill" thing. I'm speaking from experience. I've followed your posts for quite some time bayliss. You seem to be an intelligent woman. You have been teetering on quitting for awhile. I think you need to look deep inside you and find the strength to quit once and for all. Your boyfriend isn't going to make it happen. Your job isn't going to make it happen. Only you can. I found that out the hard way. If you want it bad enough, no more excuses. I'm not trying to be harsh. I am just speaking from experience. Quit now or you will find your health, youth, beauty and life slip away from you.

Pigtails

How are you doing, Baybliss? I hope well.

bayliss

Hello everyone...
Sorry I haven't posted...
I just first want to say thank you for all that posted. I really appreciate it. I have been thinking more and more about just not drinking...
I had some this morning, fell asleep and woke up with a headache and anxiety. There is no booze here now tonight and I feel on edge...but I just don't need to drink.
I do think that I am dependant on a lot of people and I need to work on it.
Artsoul - I have OCD as well.

I am having difficulty trying to piece together my thoughts on all this but everything that everyone has said is very true.
I can't sit at home alone and drink...that is what I did all of last week and it got me nowhere...I instead ate like crap and gained weight and just feel depressed that I haven't found a new job {I have been emailing resumes and such}.
Today I feel particularly worse...sitting at home doing nothing with your thoughts is just not good for you...just makes things worse and it doesn't solve anything either.
I guess like many of you said, I need to get a schedule together and stick to it.
Wake up at a certain time and plan my day instead of winging it and usually end up in bed watching TV until my boyfriend comes home from work.

I have just been drinking so heavily that I feel like I can't function without it. I have anxiety and just feel sad and helpless.
I know drinking doesn't make me "happy"...I am just addicted...

Hope this post made some sense.
I just want to go to bed and forget about this day.

Dee74

I remember feeling like that. It's more important thn ever that you get a handle on this now because it will get worse.

Get some help Bayliss. Maybe seeing a Dr is a good first step?
D