Time for serious change - New here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 16
Time for serious change - New here
Hi all,
I'm a 34 year old married father of twin baby boys. I have been abusing alcohol and pot since I was 16 years old. Same old story on the alcohol as most, started with weekends, parties, social, then a half pint of liquor after work, then a pint after work, then it got to almost two pints throughout the day, started before work, would drink a little during lunchtime, and then a pint after work. My blackouts were every single night. I never remembered what I had for dinner the night before. Never really got hangovers, and knew I had a problem, but I was a "functioning" alcoholic. About a month before my boys were born I quit with the support of my wife, but it was just to reduce my tolerance, and my plan was to go only to social drinking beers. Well after about 40 days dry, I got a 6pk, and was back to two pints of vodka a day in a matter of 3 months. I had the shakes every morning when I woke up, and would run to the liquor store at lunch time to get my fix for the day.
Anyway, I realized I needed to quit this lifestyle once and for good. I gave up pot completely two months ago, and have no desire to pick that up again. Went through lots of nights of vivid dreams but no physical issues, but I secretly drank the whole time, hiding bottles from my wife. I wasn't very good, as she would still find them, and I would make up excuses that they were old bottles from a long time ago. I would have to plan to make sure I had enough booze stashed somewhere to feel normal before going to work.
Long story short, I need to be a good father and husband, and I need to grow the F up. I knew for a few years now I had a problem, but I put it off, figuring I could just give up whenever I wanted to. Not the case. I finally came clean on Nov 1st to my wife and mother about my drinking, and asked for help. Went to an outpatient detox place, and the doctor gave me a small supply of Librium for the withdrawals, and Camprel for the long term.
I'm on day 9 completley sober (from everything - a first for me in 18 years), and I feel great, no cravings except the ocassional one here and there, but managable. I'm scared to death of relapse, and will do everything I possibly can not to never pick up a drink again. AA is not for me, too much religion, and too many "war stories" that make me want to drink, but I will probably try Smart Recovery meetings. I personally don't believe I'm powerless over alcohol. I think I'm stronger than it is, and it's my choice to pick up a drink or not, hence I need to be strong and not do so.
Anyway, I hope to share my ups and downs with you guys. I've been creeping here for the past week reading a lot of posts, but decided that writing this down would be helpful. I'm already starting to see the fog slowly lifting. My sons need a sober dad, and my wife needs a sober husband, and I need to be alive, so here I am.
My name is dive2deep and I'm and alcoholic
I'm a 34 year old married father of twin baby boys. I have been abusing alcohol and pot since I was 16 years old. Same old story on the alcohol as most, started with weekends, parties, social, then a half pint of liquor after work, then a pint after work, then it got to almost two pints throughout the day, started before work, would drink a little during lunchtime, and then a pint after work. My blackouts were every single night. I never remembered what I had for dinner the night before. Never really got hangovers, and knew I had a problem, but I was a "functioning" alcoholic. About a month before my boys were born I quit with the support of my wife, but it was just to reduce my tolerance, and my plan was to go only to social drinking beers. Well after about 40 days dry, I got a 6pk, and was back to two pints of vodka a day in a matter of 3 months. I had the shakes every morning when I woke up, and would run to the liquor store at lunch time to get my fix for the day.
Anyway, I realized I needed to quit this lifestyle once and for good. I gave up pot completely two months ago, and have no desire to pick that up again. Went through lots of nights of vivid dreams but no physical issues, but I secretly drank the whole time, hiding bottles from my wife. I wasn't very good, as she would still find them, and I would make up excuses that they were old bottles from a long time ago. I would have to plan to make sure I had enough booze stashed somewhere to feel normal before going to work.
Long story short, I need to be a good father and husband, and I need to grow the F up. I knew for a few years now I had a problem, but I put it off, figuring I could just give up whenever I wanted to. Not the case. I finally came clean on Nov 1st to my wife and mother about my drinking, and asked for help. Went to an outpatient detox place, and the doctor gave me a small supply of Librium for the withdrawals, and Camprel for the long term.
I'm on day 9 completley sober (from everything - a first for me in 18 years), and I feel great, no cravings except the ocassional one here and there, but managable. I'm scared to death of relapse, and will do everything I possibly can not to never pick up a drink again. AA is not for me, too much religion, and too many "war stories" that make me want to drink, but I will probably try Smart Recovery meetings. I personally don't believe I'm powerless over alcohol. I think I'm stronger than it is, and it's my choice to pick up a drink or not, hence I need to be strong and not do so.
Anyway, I hope to share my ups and downs with you guys. I've been creeping here for the past week reading a lot of posts, but decided that writing this down would be helpful. I'm already starting to see the fog slowly lifting. My sons need a sober dad, and my wife needs a sober husband, and I need to be alive, so here I am.
My name is dive2deep and I'm and alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Philly PA
Posts: 814
Hi dive2deep and welcome. I have 10 year old twins and you're right - best to not have black outs and forget where you left them etc. (just jokeing)
I'm Tigger41 and yes I'm an alcoholic as well - have been for 5 years - don't remember much of my 3rd and 4th child's baby years and that sucks.
Please stay with it - I'll do everything I can not to drink again - I take daily Antabuse (which means if I drink I will get awlful sick and not even get a buzz). It's a crutch (as I've been told) but it's stopping me from drinking and I'll do anything it takes not to drink.
My direct experience is that I love and enjoy my kids when I'm sober. They tend to bug and annoy me when I'm drunk. I like them (and me) much better now then about 10 days ago.
Remember this day - remember why you never want to have a drink again.
And enjoy those boys! Congratulations Daddy
I'm Tigger41 and yes I'm an alcoholic as well - have been for 5 years - don't remember much of my 3rd and 4th child's baby years and that sucks.
Please stay with it - I'll do everything I can not to drink again - I take daily Antabuse (which means if I drink I will get awlful sick and not even get a buzz). It's a crutch (as I've been told) but it's stopping me from drinking and I'll do anything it takes not to drink.
My direct experience is that I love and enjoy my kids when I'm sober. They tend to bug and annoy me when I'm drunk. I like them (and me) much better now then about 10 days ago.
Remember this day - remember why you never want to have a drink again.
And enjoy those boys! Congratulations Daddy
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 328
Welcome dive2deep!
I would be lost without SR. This site is the best part of my recovery. (29 days sober, the first time in 16 years.) I've read great story's and talked to A LOT of great people.
Everyday gets a little bit easier. Glad you're with us.
I would be lost without SR. This site is the best part of my recovery. (29 days sober, the first time in 16 years.) I've read great story's and talked to A LOT of great people.
Everyday gets a little bit easier. Glad you're with us.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome dive2deep!
Congratulations on 9 days sober! Reading your post reminded me how time-consuming and nerve-wracking it was to keep my drinking in the closet. Glad we don't have to live that way anymore.
I love being a sober parent, and I know you will too!
Congratulations on 9 days sober! Reading your post reminded me how time-consuming and nerve-wracking it was to keep my drinking in the closet. Glad we don't have to live that way anymore.
I love being a sober parent, and I know you will too!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 75
Welcome, please post updates so we know how you are doing. Your post has inspired me to try and be sober for my 10 year old. I'm there for him but I could be much better and after all, isn't that our moral responsibility?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Originally Posted by Tigger41 
Please stay with it - I'll do everything I can not to drink again - I take daily Antabuse (which means if I drink I will get awlful sick and not even get a buzz). It's a crutch (as I've been told) but it's stopping me from drinking and I'll do anything it takes not to drink.
Any thing that keeps us from drinking is good.
We have to learn new habits, so relying on what some people call a "crutch" is just being intelligent about learning to live sober. Habits are hard to break.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: North America
Posts: 162
Welcome dive2deep, and thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You will find an incredible network of support here at SR.
I am so happy to hear that you are making some positive changes in your life. I too have made the step into sobriety and it is hard work but well worth it. I'm glad to hear that you are putting a plan together to maintain your sobriety. I quit drinking before my family situation was destined to fall apart. I am lucky. I got to take a hard look at the proverbial bottom, and was able to make some changes before I hit the bottom at ramming speed.
Do keep us posted on your progress. This is an amazing and understanding group. Keep up the hard work!
I am so happy to hear that you are making some positive changes in your life. I too have made the step into sobriety and it is hard work but well worth it. I'm glad to hear that you are putting a plan together to maintain your sobriety. I quit drinking before my family situation was destined to fall apart. I am lucky. I got to take a hard look at the proverbial bottom, and was able to make some changes before I hit the bottom at ramming speed.
Do keep us posted on your progress. This is an amazing and understanding group. Keep up the hard work!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 16
Hi everyone. Thanks for the warm welcome, I'll stick around. Today is day 10, feeling overall pretty good, ran some errands, did some leaf blowing yardwork, played with the boys and now helping my wife cook dinner for our good friends and my parents coming over tonight.
I had a really tough moment today, as my dad, and friend like a beer with their steak and I actually had to go to the beer store to buy a 6pk for them (I'm a good host). The urge hit me like a ton of lead to buy a "little" sneaky bottle, but I resisted, and only bought the beer I will serve at dinner. I will not partake in the drinking, and will actually for the first time have to tell my friend that I quit drinking. Wonder how that will go.... But I was strong and did not buy that bottle of vodka. My wife offered to get the beer, but I thought it would be a good test. I passed, but I won't be putting myself that close to the fire again, it was my weakest moment since quitting, but I stayed committed and I feel proud of myself. Afterall, the world is full of alcohol, and I just need to learn to live around it, without being a part of it. Part of the retraining the brain process. And yes, crutches are good, I think the Camprel is helping a lot.
Tomorrow I will also be cigarette free day 1 (been smoking like a fiend since quitting drinking), and starting on nicotine gum as it worked for me to quit in the past. I will get out on the running trail with the twins, and do a brisk walk in anticipation for starting to jog again. This is all aimed to get me back to "real" health. I ran two half marathons three years ago (while drinking after each training run, it was my reward). Since winter is coming, I will be hitting the treadmill instead of the trail, but nonetheless it's going to be a healthy alternative and help me sleep better I hope.
So again, today is overall good, we'll see how tonight's dinner pans out, I assume it will be fine, besides Turkey day & Xmas is around the corner, and the same situations will be there. I will be around people drinking (all moderate though, I no longer hang out with heavy drinkers), and will have to make the choice not to.
Will keep all posted on my journey. Thanks for the support, lets all stay strong.
Dive2deep
I had a really tough moment today, as my dad, and friend like a beer with their steak and I actually had to go to the beer store to buy a 6pk for them (I'm a good host). The urge hit me like a ton of lead to buy a "little" sneaky bottle, but I resisted, and only bought the beer I will serve at dinner. I will not partake in the drinking, and will actually for the first time have to tell my friend that I quit drinking. Wonder how that will go.... But I was strong and did not buy that bottle of vodka. My wife offered to get the beer, but I thought it would be a good test. I passed, but I won't be putting myself that close to the fire again, it was my weakest moment since quitting, but I stayed committed and I feel proud of myself. Afterall, the world is full of alcohol, and I just need to learn to live around it, without being a part of it. Part of the retraining the brain process. And yes, crutches are good, I think the Camprel is helping a lot.
Tomorrow I will also be cigarette free day 1 (been smoking like a fiend since quitting drinking), and starting on nicotine gum as it worked for me to quit in the past. I will get out on the running trail with the twins, and do a brisk walk in anticipation for starting to jog again. This is all aimed to get me back to "real" health. I ran two half marathons three years ago (while drinking after each training run, it was my reward). Since winter is coming, I will be hitting the treadmill instead of the trail, but nonetheless it's going to be a healthy alternative and help me sleep better I hope.
So again, today is overall good, we'll see how tonight's dinner pans out, I assume it will be fine, besides Turkey day & Xmas is around the corner, and the same situations will be there. I will be around people drinking (all moderate though, I no longer hang out with heavy drinkers), and will have to make the choice not to.
Will keep all posted on my journey. Thanks for the support, lets all stay strong.
Dive2deep
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: North America
Posts: 162
Good job on resisting that addictive voice in your head trying to get you to buy that little sneaky bottle. That little bottle would have likely started your cycle all over. Just remember the reasons you are quitting. Be patient with yourself this early on. Don't feel as if you have to test yourself at his stage either. Plenty of tests will come in time...
Good job on staying strong!
Also, be patient with kicking the smokes right now as well. As a former smoker, I was stressed when I quit smoking over two years ago. I can't imagine quitting drinking and smoking all at once.
Good job on staying strong!
Also, be patient with kicking the smokes right now as well. As a former smoker, I was stressed when I quit smoking over two years ago. I can't imagine quitting drinking and smoking all at once.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Philly PA
Posts: 814
Originally Posted by AcceptingChange
Crutches are good.
Any thing that keeps us from drinking is good.
We have to learn new habits, so relying on what some people call a "crutch" is just being intelligent about learning to live sober. Habits are hard to break.
Any thing that keeps us from drinking is good.
We have to learn new habits, so relying on what some people call a "crutch" is just being intelligent about learning to live sober. Habits are hard to break.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
I'm really glad to hear that you're doing so well and congratulations on Day 10.
I made the decision early on to never serve alcohol or keep it in the house. It was a good decision for me.
I made the decision early on to never serve alcohol or keep it in the house. It was a good decision for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 16
Well I made it through. Dinner was a success, and I didn't touch a drop. Looked and smelled delicious, and craved it for about 10 min when the wine was opened, but I made it. I thought about just taking a taste of the wine to see what it tasted like, but then I remembered what others here have said, thoughts are just thoughts. And they passed once I went outside to grill the steaks.
Tonight I realized how different us alcoholics are from "normal" people. Everyone else had two beers, or two glasses of wine during the course of the night, max. If I were to have been drinking, I would have had 4 beers before people even came over, 3 pre dinner, and 3 glasses of wine with dinner, and then I would have hit the vodka after everyone left. Next day I wouldn't remember anything that was talked about during dinner.
Cool thing is. Tomorrow I will remember every conversation we had, and plans we made to meet next time, and such. This is a new thing for me, and is one of the things that hopefully will keep me from slipping.
I'm eastern european, so it will be hard not to be around alcohol, and would be considered rude if I didn't offer it when guests come over. Doesn't mean I need to partake, I know of a few others in my community who are the same way. Got sober, but still keep a bottle of something in the house for guests. Just going to have to learn to live that way. But I'm not keeping any in the house. There was one beer left at the end of the night, and I dumped it down the drain, to avoid temptation.
My friends were a little taken back by my news of getting sober, but they accepted it pretty well, and I guess that means they are actually good friends.
I guess I'm in the process of assembling my toolbox for sobriety, so far all I have is the resolve that I guess everyone gets early on and the advice I've read here and on other websites, the battle was won today, but the war is far from over.
Dive2deep
Tonight I realized how different us alcoholics are from "normal" people. Everyone else had two beers, or two glasses of wine during the course of the night, max. If I were to have been drinking, I would have had 4 beers before people even came over, 3 pre dinner, and 3 glasses of wine with dinner, and then I would have hit the vodka after everyone left. Next day I wouldn't remember anything that was talked about during dinner.
Cool thing is. Tomorrow I will remember every conversation we had, and plans we made to meet next time, and such. This is a new thing for me, and is one of the things that hopefully will keep me from slipping.
I'm eastern european, so it will be hard not to be around alcohol, and would be considered rude if I didn't offer it when guests come over. Doesn't mean I need to partake, I know of a few others in my community who are the same way. Got sober, but still keep a bottle of something in the house for guests. Just going to have to learn to live that way. But I'm not keeping any in the house. There was one beer left at the end of the night, and I dumped it down the drain, to avoid temptation.
My friends were a little taken back by my news of getting sober, but they accepted it pretty well, and I guess that means they are actually good friends.
I guess I'm in the process of assembling my toolbox for sobriety, so far all I have is the resolve that I guess everyone gets early on and the advice I've read here and on other websites, the battle was won today, but the war is far from over.
Dive2deep
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Originally Posted by dive2deep
Well I made it through. Dinner was a success, and I didn't touch a drop.
Tonight I realized how different us alcoholics are from "normal" people. Everyone else had two beers, or two glasses of wine during the course of the night, max. If I were to have been drinking, I would have had 4 beers before people even came over, 3 pre dinner, and 3 glasses of wine with dinner, and then I would have hit the vodka after everyone left. Next day I wouldn't remember anything that was talked about during dinner.
There was one beer left at the end of the night, and I dumped it down the drain, to avoid temptation.
I guess I'm in the process of assembling my toolbox for sobriety, so far all I have is the resolve that I guess everyone gets early on and the advice I've read here and on other websites, the battle was won today, but the war is far from over.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 284
Welcome!
"Long story short, I need to be a good father and husband, and I need to grow the F up." Love it!
I've been sober 13 months, and I come on SR almost every night to give and get support, and, I'll be honest, the war stories of relapses scare me sober. Those stories could easily be you or I, don't fool yourself.
Your sobriety is the greatest gift you can give to your sons.
"Long story short, I need to be a good father and husband, and I need to grow the F up." Love it!
I've been sober 13 months, and I come on SR almost every night to give and get support, and, I'll be honest, the war stories of relapses scare me sober. Those stories could easily be you or I, don't fool yourself.
Your sobriety is the greatest gift you can give to your sons.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
I am a mom of multiples too...triplet boys. I am so glad you have decided to quit. My boys are teenagers now, but I remember it like it was yesterday that they were babies. Relish these years...I used to roll my eyes when people would say "they grow up so fast"...so cliche but you know what? It's true. It is a beautiful thing that you won't be giving any years of their lives to alcohol. You will be the man that you, and they, can be proud of.
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