How to Overcome Self-Loathing In the Moment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
How to Overcome Self-Loathing In the Moment
I am having an incredible time understanding “being gentle with myself”. I think it is because I am facing the consequences of my drinking. And, that is neither good or bad but, because I am having to deal with this I am having a problem with not sitting in self-loathing. I have prayed about it, I have cried about it, I have talked to people about it, but I still haven’t been able to forgive myself and do the action of moving past it. I am stuck in this place where I am blaming myself for everything that is bad in my life. And, in truth I have loved being sober and I have enjoyed the process.
But, I know if I keep having this type of self loathing and self deprecation I am going to turn back to drinking because it is so much easier then actually feeling this way. And, I don’t want to do that.
So, can someone offer advice on how you get out of this pattern when you are feeling this way? Thanks for listening!
Thanks,
Saliena
But, I know if I keep having this type of self loathing and self deprecation I am going to turn back to drinking because it is so much easier then actually feeling this way. And, I don’t want to do that.
So, can someone offer advice on how you get out of this pattern when you are feeling this way? Thanks for listening!
Thanks,
Saliena
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,840
I had the same problem, and still do sometimes. I found it just takes time to learn to love yourself again and accept yourself for who you are (and not what you've done).
I've found my addiction counselor to be of great help to me in overcoming my self hatred. She offers me a different perspective on my life, my situation, and being able to see myself as others see me helps a lot. I still have 'those days' and still get depressed, mostly over the things I cannot change, but I'm getting better with time.
If you can do counseling I highly recommend it. For me it was a godsend. Having supportive and loving friends and family is helpful too.
:ghug3
I've found my addiction counselor to be of great help to me in overcoming my self hatred. She offers me a different perspective on my life, my situation, and being able to see myself as others see me helps a lot. I still have 'those days' and still get depressed, mostly over the things I cannot change, but I'm getting better with time.
If you can do counseling I highly recommend it. For me it was a godsend.
Having supportive and loving friends and family is helpful too.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,707
I have similar problems Saliena, struggle with a LOT of self-blame and hate. I'm just trying to forgive the fact that it's going to take time to break this very deeply-ingrained thought pattern, and catch myself every time I'm doing it, remind myself that it's b******t, and think about positive things instead. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Until it becomes a new habit. Just don't go there. I know it is frustrating when you KNOW a thought that you are having is wrong and self-destructive but you keep having it anyway. This is my new mantra: practice gratitude. Instead of obsessing about all the things you've done wrong and how awful you are(yeah right), obsess about all the things you are doing right, NOW, and all the good things in your life. Replace the old, nasty thought patterns with new, healthy ones. You can do that, now, that you are sober. But it's a process and you have to keep vigilantly working at it. But you are worth it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
I understand completely. I think most of us did things when drinking that we would have never done sober....I know I sure did. I am embarrassed, ashamed, and blown away by how low I let my standards become.
I once thought that it is a shame that we have to face the reality and consequences of the mess that we made while drinking once we are sober. However when I became sober and began to realize the craziness of how I had been living, how wrong the things I that I had done were, and how lost my thinking had become, I began to realize the extent to which drinking was ruining my life. That, in turn, helped me see the severity of the problem, which strengthened my resolve.
I also realized that I was not bad, I was sick.
Also, shaming myself and belittling myself over things that happened when I drank served absolutely no purpose, except to make me want to drink.
Today I try to remember what is done is done. I do whatever I can to right things, however I can't change the past. Go forward. Negative thinking will sap your energy and jeopardize your sobriety. Don't go there any more. It is over - start picking up the pieces.
I once thought that it is a shame that we have to face the reality and consequences of the mess that we made while drinking once we are sober. However when I became sober and began to realize the craziness of how I had been living, how wrong the things I that I had done were, and how lost my thinking had become, I began to realize the extent to which drinking was ruining my life. That, in turn, helped me see the severity of the problem, which strengthened my resolve.
I also realized that I was not bad, I was sick.
Also, shaming myself and belittling myself over things that happened when I drank served absolutely no purpose, except to make me want to drink.
Today I try to remember what is done is done. I do whatever I can to right things, however I can't change the past. Go forward. Negative thinking will sap your energy and jeopardize your sobriety. Don't go there any more. It is over - start picking up the pieces.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 15,000
Stop thinking about yourself!
Go help someone else less fortunate than you, I'm sure there are many people that are. There is an old saying, something like "I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes, than I met a man with no legs."
When you stop thinking about yourself, and start helping others, it changes you. When you eventually get back to thinking about yourself, you might find you like yourself a little more.
Go help someone else less fortunate than you, I'm sure there are many people that are. There is an old saying, something like "I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes, than I met a man with no legs."
When you stop thinking about yourself, and start helping others, it changes you. When you eventually get back to thinking about yourself, you might find you like yourself a little more.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
Originally Posted by Zebra1275 
Stop thinking about yourself!
Go help someone else less fortunate than you, I'm sure there are many people that are. There is an old saying, something like "I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes, than I met a man with no legs."
When you stop thinking about yourself, and start helping others, it changes you. When you eventually get back to thinking about yourself, you might find you like yourself a little more.
Go help someone else less fortunate than you, I'm sure there are many people that are. There is an old saying, something like "I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes, than I met a man with no legs."
When you stop thinking about yourself, and start helping others, it changes you. When you eventually get back to thinking about yourself, you might find you like yourself a little more.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Originally Posted by Zebra1275
Stop thinking about yourself!
Go help someone else less fortunate than you, I'm sure there are many people that are. There is an old saying, something like "I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes, than I met a man with no legs."
When you stop thinking about yourself, and start helping others, it changes you. When you eventually get back to thinking about yourself, you might find you like yourself a little more.
Go help someone else less fortunate than you, I'm sure there are many people that are. There is an old saying, something like "I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes, than I met a man with no legs."
When you stop thinking about yourself, and start helping others, it changes you. When you eventually get back to thinking about yourself, you might find you like yourself a little more.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 14,099
When I'm unwilling to let go of my past indiscretions, hurts and failures, I feel I'm building up a case of fug-its so I can give myself permission to drink.
I become more willing to let go of my past when I working to build a better future alcohol free.
I become more willing to let go of my past when I working to build a better future alcohol free.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I don't see it as being gentle with yourself, or tough on yourself, or any of that... just being honest... honest is supposed to be neutral...
I think that anyone who goes into a journey of self inventory has already acknowledged that there is intrinsic value in one's self... it is a matter of seeing one's self.
AA is all about getting past the self deprecation and loathing and about aligning ourselves spiritually, and with others.
Alcoholism isn't about the alcohol.
I think that anyone who goes into a journey of self inventory has already acknowledged that there is intrinsic value in one's self... it is a matter of seeing one's self.
AA is all about getting past the self deprecation and loathing and about aligning ourselves spiritually, and with others.
Alcoholism isn't about the alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What you're going through is, I believe, pretty common for people in recovery. I enured a great deal in the beginning but after a lot of meetings, talking about it and therapy, it got much easier to deal with it.
I learned to see my mind as a simple computer, simply replaying the same tape over and over. Now I stop the thought in a number of ways. Move immediately to a gratitude list and get on the phone and/or a meeting. The more meetings I go to the better I feel...
Remember, feelings aren't FACTS. Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you are. You're not a looser. Just because you hate yourself doesn't mean you should do it.
And, focus on what you've done right! I'm sure there's a lot.
I learned to see my mind as a simple computer, simply replaying the same tape over and over. Now I stop the thought in a number of ways. Move immediately to a gratitude list and get on the phone and/or a meeting. The more meetings I go to the better I feel...
Remember, feelings aren't FACTS. Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you are. You're not a looser. Just because you hate yourself doesn't mean you should do it.
And, focus on what you've done right! I'm sure there's a lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
Thanks everyone for your messages... that is what I did today... praying...my sponser thought I was an her alarm clock and tried to throw me when I called at 8AM. So, I called 3 more AA peeps... and then I wrote here... it was all helpful and got me through one more day... now for the night.. there is a meeting there I have to look forward to. Take care everyone!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,609
I'd carried around those self loathing, self obsessional feelings for years too Saliena.
Things I'd done as a kid or had done to me by others still haunted me, for years after they should have been forgotten.
Doing volunteer work or posting here to others really helped me short circuit all that stuff...it's a bit of a paradox but by not thinking so much about me and my past, I was able to come to terms with it.
I just needed to get out of my head and get a different perspective.
Is volunteer work or community work an option for you at all?
D
Things I'd done as a kid or had done to me by others still haunted me, for years after they should have been forgotten.
Doing volunteer work or posting here to others really helped me short circuit all that stuff...it's a bit of a paradox but by not thinking so much about me and my past, I was able to come to terms with it.
I just needed to get out of my head and get a different perspective.
Is volunteer work or community work an option for you at all?
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 119
Originally Posted by Saliena
I am having an incredible time understanding “being gentle with myself”. I think it is because I am facing the consequences of my drinking. And, that is neither good or bad but, because I am having to deal with this I am having a problem with not sitting in self-loathing. I have prayed about it, I have cried about it, I have talked to people about it, but I still haven’t been able to forgive myself and do the action of moving past it. I am stuck in this place where I am blaming myself for everything that is bad in my life. And, in truth I have loved being sober and I have enjoyed the process.
But, I know if I keep having this type of self loathing and self deprecation I am going to turn back to drinking because it is so much easier then actually feeling this way. And, I don’t want to do that.
So, can someone offer advice on how you get out of this pattern when you are feeling this way? Thanks for listening!
Thanks,
Saliena
But, I know if I keep having this type of self loathing and self deprecation I am going to turn back to drinking because it is so much easier then actually feeling this way. And, I don’t want to do that.
So, can someone offer advice on how you get out of this pattern when you are feeling this way? Thanks for listening!
Thanks,
Saliena
I just wanted to take a few moments to stop and thank you for typing this out. You really helped me see and realize that I am not alone. I could have, and probably should have, wrote this word for word. This is something that I am really struggling with and some days (like today) worse then others. The advice here and the suggestions have been a big help.
So again, thank you for asking reaching out because I could not do it myself.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Saliena - Thanks for the thread (lots of great thoughts here!).....
Just a couple thoughts:
The longer I stay sober, the happier I am with myself. Kind of an obvious point, I guess, but I do think it takes time to go from just not drinking to building a life again. Time really does heal a lot of things - we create new memories to replace the old.
Secondly, this is a disease and it can change even the most healthy, sane and caring person into something they're not. It's tempting to think we're now this person that alcohol made us because we don't see the change as it's happening - it makes us sick a little at a time.
I think if we can have compassion for others going through the same thing, we should be able to have it for ourselves as well, huh? :ghug3 We'll never be perfect, but we're getting better with each sober day.
Just a couple thoughts:
The longer I stay sober, the happier I am with myself. Kind of an obvious point, I guess, but I do think it takes time to go from just not drinking to building a life again. Time really does heal a lot of things - we create new memories to replace the old.
Secondly, this is a disease and it can change even the most healthy, sane and caring person into something they're not. It's tempting to think we're now this person that alcohol made us because we don't see the change as it's happening - it makes us sick a little at a time.
I think if we can have compassion for others going through the same thing, we should be able to have it for ourselves as well, huh? :ghug3 We'll never be perfect, but we're getting better with each sober day.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Hi Salena... I can totally relate. One saying I've heard that has helped me is...
"We're not bad, we're just sick".
I have done things while drinking that I would have never done if I weren't drinking. Alcoholism is tough because we have a compulsion to drink more and more and more. When we drink more our blood alcohol levels get higher and higher. There really is no defense for a .25 or higher BAC.
You could take Mother Teresa, Ghandi, Oprah Winfrey, and Mr. Rogers and give them a .30 BAC AND THEY'D DO DUMB SHITT TO...
When anyone drinks to high levels they are at risk to do things that they wouldn't normally do. The problem is we have a disease that actually craves a substance that causes us to reach that point (loss of control). Once we're at that point we're no longer in control and nobody else would be either. The thing is, non - alcoholics simply don't ever take it that far...
Make sense? Let it go. All you can do is not take the first drink. If you don't take the first drink, you won't crave more, you won't get a high BAC, so you won't lose control and do things you'll regret.
I wish you the best and hope this helps...
RW
"We're not bad, we're just sick".
I have done things while drinking that I would have never done if I weren't drinking. Alcoholism is tough because we have a compulsion to drink more and more and more. When we drink more our blood alcohol levels get higher and higher. There really is no defense for a .25 or higher BAC.
You could take Mother Teresa, Ghandi, Oprah Winfrey, and Mr. Rogers and give them a .30 BAC AND THEY'D DO DUMB SHITT TO...
When anyone drinks to high levels they are at risk to do things that they wouldn't normally do. The problem is we have a disease that actually craves a substance that causes us to reach that point (loss of control). Once we're at that point we're no longer in control and nobody else would be either. The thing is, non - alcoholics simply don't ever take it that far...
Make sense? Let it go. All you can do is not take the first drink. If you don't take the first drink, you won't crave more, you won't get a high BAC, so you won't lose control and do things you'll regret.
I wish you the best and hope this helps...
RW
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