37 Days, I 'm Sorry, I Just Can't
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Edeneen,
You are almost as hopeless as I was about 100 days ago. I spent a nonstop week of drinking, smoking weed & cigarettes. I lost my selfworth. Full of guilt, shame, remorse. I only raised my son 5.5 years. He turned 16 last week. My brother & his wife keep me away. My family doesn't need me. My "step kids" think I'm a monster. Lost a career, I've been on a bus for 2 years. I lowered my "bar" and hung with others who have no goals for anything but getting their next fix & drink.
Need I go on? Utter hopelessness. My lovers, all gone.
Hopeless and my heart kept beating. I didn't care. Know one else bothered, why should I????????
Life. It wouldn't let me die. I finally told Life something needed to change and I didn't know what to do.
Somehow, I didn't drink or use. One day, then another. On the fifth day, I got to a 7 am meeting. I had no money so I walked. I found a sponsor and got to gradually know some people.
I worked a 5th step yesterday. Then 6 & 7. I woke up today. I was "emotionally hungover" yet I began the day. All I know is I am not the same anxious person I was. I have 98 days in a row and everything is just different.
You can feel different, too! Hugs and more prayers sent your way
You are almost as hopeless as I was about 100 days ago. I spent a nonstop week of drinking, smoking weed & cigarettes. I lost my selfworth. Full of guilt, shame, remorse. I only raised my son 5.5 years. He turned 16 last week. My brother & his wife keep me away. My family doesn't need me. My "step kids" think I'm a monster. Lost a career, I've been on a bus for 2 years. I lowered my "bar" and hung with others who have no goals for anything but getting their next fix & drink.
Need I go on? Utter hopelessness. My lovers, all gone.
Hopeless and my heart kept beating. I didn't care. Know one else bothered, why should I????????
Life. It wouldn't let me die. I finally told Life something needed to change and I didn't know what to do.
Somehow, I didn't drink or use. One day, then another. On the fifth day, I got to a 7 am meeting. I had no money so I walked. I found a sponsor and got to gradually know some people.
I worked a 5th step yesterday. Then 6 & 7. I woke up today. I was "emotionally hungover" yet I began the day. All I know is I am not the same anxious person I was. I have 98 days in a row and everything is just different.
You can feel different, too! Hugs and more prayers sent your way
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: midwest
Posts: 68
Edeneen,
It is after 10:00 pm and I just saw your post. I hope all of these posts from your friends at SR helped you today ...
You cried out for help today. It is obvious that you don't want to drink. If SR is your only support network and we weren't able to offer what you needed to "not take that first drink" then you need to find additional support. Keep talking and sharing with us - but connect with others who can give you real ((((((hugs))))))) too.
It is after 10:00 pm and I just saw your post. I hope all of these posts from your friends at SR helped you today ...
You cried out for help today. It is obvious that you don't want to drink. If SR is your only support network and we weren't able to offer what you needed to "not take that first drink" then you need to find additional support. Keep talking and sharing with us - but connect with others who can give you real ((((((hugs))))))) too.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
as bad as it feels, the truth is we don't have to do anything about it. except not pick up. As an addict I am not used to just not doing anything about it. Whenever a feeling popped up, I was like Henney Penney "the sky is falling down" and away I went.
And I used because I couldn't turn my darn brain off. Now I am clean, and when feelings come up so does that old "the sky is falling down" feeling...even if it's just a little old acorn that dropped on my head. And I am SURE that I MUST do something to hold that big old sky up there.
But the truth is that I don't have to do anything. Just let the feeling come, and go. And that feels so impossible. I feel like I can't stand it anymore, but I can. I am learning that I can stand it, even though I think I can't. When there is nothing useful I can do, no action that I should take, or must take, then I just sit with the feelings.
I am NOT pretending this is easy. I've been up the past few nights nearly out of my mind, but all I did, was not use. Kept reminding myself that feelings themselves can't hurt me, and if I don't buy into them, they move on.
you don't need to apologize to me, or to anyone here. Any time you spend here as part of our community is helpful to all of us. Even if you decide to give up sobriety for now, hang out with us. Recovery is catchy.
And I used because I couldn't turn my darn brain off. Now I am clean, and when feelings come up so does that old "the sky is falling down" feeling...even if it's just a little old acorn that dropped on my head. And I am SURE that I MUST do something to hold that big old sky up there.
But the truth is that I don't have to do anything. Just let the feeling come, and go. And that feels so impossible. I feel like I can't stand it anymore, but I can. I am learning that I can stand it, even though I think I can't. When there is nothing useful I can do, no action that I should take, or must take, then I just sit with the feelings.
I am NOT pretending this is easy. I've been up the past few nights nearly out of my mind, but all I did, was not use. Kept reminding myself that feelings themselves can't hurt me, and if I don't buy into them, they move on.
you don't need to apologize to me, or to anyone here. Any time you spend here as part of our community is helpful to all of us. Even if you decide to give up sobriety for now, hang out with us. Recovery is catchy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Eden,
First, i want to say that you didn't disappoint anyone. And you should not feel you let yourself down. This is a difficult thing to do.
You seemed happy the first few days of your sobriety, but for the past few weeks, you have not seemed to be very happy. Just the other day you said you would probably go back and drink.
You know all the reasons you should quit. And you know how hard it is to do. I would really encourage you to get back up and start again. You can take what you have learned and make the changes you need to make.
Sobriety can be a blast. It can be such a happy part of life. But it takes work. Think about what you might do to not only get and stay sober, but to be happy.
I wish you only the best.
First, i want to say that you didn't disappoint anyone. And you should not feel you let yourself down. This is a difficult thing to do.
You seemed happy the first few days of your sobriety, but for the past few weeks, you have not seemed to be very happy. Just the other day you said you would probably go back and drink.
You know all the reasons you should quit. And you know how hard it is to do. I would really encourage you to get back up and start again. You can take what you have learned and make the changes you need to make.
Sobriety can be a blast. It can be such a happy part of life. But it takes work. Think about what you might do to not only get and stay sober, but to be happy.
I wish you only the best.
heartofamama
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 70
dear friend,
it's not the end.
u will begin again.
feeling bad will just delay the day of freedom for u.
instead--think about the Perfect Righteous God Who Loves u
regardless of how u see yourself.
He's the Healer, & it doesn't take a church or a sponsor to call upon Him for help
God's not far away, just invisible to the eyes.
in the quiet of your heart you'll meet Him,
if u cry out in sincerity...
the good part about being broken is getting 2 meet our Healer.
He awaits you, and anyone else reading this as well.
he who has eyes to see, let him see.Amen
it's not the end.
u will begin again.
feeling bad will just delay the day of freedom for u.
instead--think about the Perfect Righteous God Who Loves u
regardless of how u see yourself.
He's the Healer, & it doesn't take a church or a sponsor to call upon Him for help
God's not far away, just invisible to the eyes.
in the quiet of your heart you'll meet Him,
if u cry out in sincerity...
the good part about being broken is getting 2 meet our Healer.
He awaits you, and anyone else reading this as well.
he who has eyes to see, let him see.Amen
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 5
You ARE worth it!
Please don't give up on yourself and your recovery. Finding a support network is everything. Personally the "I can't do this" and "F*** it" attitude has been my downfall and pulled me back more times than I can count. Obvious from your posts is that you want to stop drinking. Pick yourself up and go forward. Beating yourself up serves no useful purpose and for myself simply provided justification for continuing using. As children we learned to walk and stumbled and fell many times in the process. Eventually we learned to stand and walk on our own two feet. I have come to understand that recovery is a learned process...and I am still learning. You will be in my prayers.
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Originally Posted by Threshold 
as bad as it feels, the truth is we don't have to do anything about it. except not pick up. As an addict I am not used to just not doing anything about it. Whenever a feeling popped up, I was like Henney Penney "the sky is falling down" and away I went.
And I used because I couldn't turn my darn brain off. Now I am clean, and when feelings come up so does that old "the sky is falling down" feeling...even if it's just a little old acorn that dropped on my head. And I am SURE that I MUST do something to hold that big old sky up there.
But the truth is that I don't have to do anything. Just let the feeling come, and go. And that feels so impossible. I feel like I can't stand it anymore, but I can. I am learning that I can stand it, even though I think I can't. When there is nothing useful I can do, no action that I should take, or must take, then I just sit with the feelings.
I am NOT pretending this is easy. I've been up the past few nights nearly out of my mind, but all I did, was not use. Kept reminding myself that feelings themselves can't hurt me, and if I don't buy into them, they move on.
you don't need to apologize to me, or to anyone here. Any time you spend here as part of our community is helpful to all of us. Even if you decide to give up sobriety for now, hang out with us. Recovery is catchy.
And I used because I couldn't turn my darn brain off. Now I am clean, and when feelings come up so does that old "the sky is falling down" feeling...even if it's just a little old acorn that dropped on my head. And I am SURE that I MUST do something to hold that big old sky up there.
But the truth is that I don't have to do anything. Just let the feeling come, and go. And that feels so impossible. I feel like I can't stand it anymore, but I can. I am learning that I can stand it, even though I think I can't. When there is nothing useful I can do, no action that I should take, or must take, then I just sit with the feelings.
I am NOT pretending this is easy. I've been up the past few nights nearly out of my mind, but all I did, was not use. Kept reminding myself that feelings themselves can't hurt me, and if I don't buy into them, they move on.
you don't need to apologize to me, or to anyone here. Any time you spend here as part of our community is helpful to all of us. Even if you decide to give up sobriety for now, hang out with us. Recovery is catchy.
Edeneen...I hope you awake today in a better place, and seeing all the love, care and hope so many others have for you. I hope it will help you to march forward in sobriety, whether this is day 38 or 1. Peace.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
One of the biggest things I've gained in sobriety is a better ability to see the big picture. It is OK to have a bad day. It's ok to have a crappy week. 
was a real hallmark of my addiction. It's a kind of myopia or tunnel vision or maybe just plain old immaturity.
Just being able to sit back and go "tomorrow will be better. and if not tomorrow, then the next day" is a real gift that came with sobriety.
I wish you peace.
was a real hallmark of my addiction. It's a kind of myopia or tunnel vision or maybe just plain old immaturity.Just being able to sit back and go "tomorrow will be better. and if not tomorrow, then the next day" is a real gift that came with sobriety.
I wish you peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: CT
Posts: 181
Edeneen . . . I'm on Day 29 - can't believe I made it past 4 weeks. I'm feeling generally pissed off and just want to drink coffee. Lots of it - which is unlike me. I just can't go back and restart the sobriety count . . .don't you either. If I can hang on, you can too. Keep your mind busy, your body active and your (sober) friends and family near.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
I think everyone has given wonderful advice. Just take a good hard look at all of these responses you got. I don't know what's really going on in your REAL world, but look at all of this love and support here for you!!! Just reading through all of the responses made me tear up because people so genuinely care about you! Please remember that and know that we're all pulling for you.
Guest
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
Edeneen,
You are almost as hopeless as I was about 100 days ago. I spent a nonstop week of drinking, smoking weed & cigarettes. I lost my selfworth. Full of guilt, shame, remorse. I only raised my son 5.5 years. He turned 16 last week. My brother & his wife keep me away. My family doesn't need me. My "step kids" think I'm a monster. Lost a career, I've been on a bus for 2 years. I lowered my "bar" and hung with others who have no goals for anything but getting their next fix & drink.
Need I go on? Utter hopelessness. My lovers, all gone.
Hopeless and my heart kept beating. I didn't care. Know one else bothered, why should I????????
Life. It wouldn't let me die. I finally told Life something needed to change and I didn't know what to do.
Somehow, I didn't drink or use. One day, then another. On the fifth day, I got to a 7 am meeting. I had no money so I walked. I found a sponsor and got to gradually know some people.
I worked a 5th step yesterday. Then 6 & 7. I woke up today. I was "emotionally hungover" yet I began the day. All I know is I am not the same anxious person I was. I have 98 days in a row and everything is just different.
You can feel different, too! Hugs and more prayers sent your way
You are almost as hopeless as I was about 100 days ago. I spent a nonstop week of drinking, smoking weed & cigarettes. I lost my selfworth. Full of guilt, shame, remorse. I only raised my son 5.5 years. He turned 16 last week. My brother & his wife keep me away. My family doesn't need me. My "step kids" think I'm a monster. Lost a career, I've been on a bus for 2 years. I lowered my "bar" and hung with others who have no goals for anything but getting their next fix & drink.
Need I go on? Utter hopelessness. My lovers, all gone.
Hopeless and my heart kept beating. I didn't care. Know one else bothered, why should I????????
Life. It wouldn't let me die. I finally told Life something needed to change and I didn't know what to do.
Somehow, I didn't drink or use. One day, then another. On the fifth day, I got to a 7 am meeting. I had no money so I walked. I found a sponsor and got to gradually know some people.
I worked a 5th step yesterday. Then 6 & 7. I woke up today. I was "emotionally hungover" yet I began the day. All I know is I am not the same anxious person I was. I have 98 days in a row and everything is just different.
You can feel different, too! Hugs and more prayers sent your way
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by edeneen
yes it was exhausting, and i was happy, NOW I am just miiserable and hating myslf, I am at wits' end, I don't know what to do anymore...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
