How did you deal with codependent spouse in early recovery?
SoberOutlook
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
How did you deal with codependent spouse in early recovery?
I am at the end of 14 days of a very renewed, fresh approach at my sobriety. I've been strong and determined, and I really feel positive about my resolve. I am finally being honest with myself about me vs. me+alcohol, and I'm totally ready for my new lease in life.
I remember when I first got sober 28 yrs ago all I learned about dependency and codependency while in inpatient detox. I remember that when the alcoholic stops drinking, they can more quickly "normalize" in life, as they have the catalyst of detoxing from the chemical influences. I also remember that it's not the case for the codependent. My wife is definitely codependent. She may also be dependent as she drinks daily, up to a bottle of wine, but usually 2 to 4 big glasses. She also tries to hide it in bottle placement (mostly so I wouldn't drink it when I was drinking), but drinks out of plastic cups so the kids and I don't "see" what she has in the cup.
Anyway, today has been a nightmare. My drinking has caused the all-but-death of our marriage. I haven't been able to think right enough to earn money all year, and I've shirked a great deal of my life responsibilities, including with our kids. I'm now focused on sobriety, but my lucidity is rapidly returning, as is my earning capacity. But, it's not here yet. And, I'm in commission only sales that take months to close and pay.
My wife's ire and angst is understandable to me. But, her anxiety has always been a trigger...for years. I just don't know what to do to help relieve her anxiety, whether our marriage makes it or not.
How have any of you worked out acute anxiety in the codependent spouse?
I remember when I first got sober 28 yrs ago all I learned about dependency and codependency while in inpatient detox. I remember that when the alcoholic stops drinking, they can more quickly "normalize" in life, as they have the catalyst of detoxing from the chemical influences. I also remember that it's not the case for the codependent. My wife is definitely codependent. She may also be dependent as she drinks daily, up to a bottle of wine, but usually 2 to 4 big glasses. She also tries to hide it in bottle placement (mostly so I wouldn't drink it when I was drinking), but drinks out of plastic cups so the kids and I don't "see" what she has in the cup.
Anyway, today has been a nightmare. My drinking has caused the all-but-death of our marriage. I haven't been able to think right enough to earn money all year, and I've shirked a great deal of my life responsibilities, including with our kids. I'm now focused on sobriety, but my lucidity is rapidly returning, as is my earning capacity. But, it's not here yet. And, I'm in commission only sales that take months to close and pay.
My wife's ire and angst is understandable to me. But, her anxiety has always been a trigger...for years. I just don't know what to do to help relieve her anxiety, whether our marriage makes it or not.
How have any of you worked out acute anxiety in the codependent spouse?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi lofty
It's hard to watch our loved ones be anxious or worried or stressed - and it's even harder when we feel we can assign some blame to ourselves for that anxiety.
It was some way into my relationship when Mrs Dee said - Dee - it's not your job to fix me.
That was a revelation to me.
And looking back at it now it makes a lot of sense.
My partner is a strong capable independent woman - she can fix her own stuff - and when/if she needs a hand, she'll tell me
As far as getting out of the hole we dug with our drinking - yeah that takes a while...for everyone. But you're doing all you can, Lofty.
try not & beat yourself up too much, mate
D
It's hard to watch our loved ones be anxious or worried or stressed - and it's even harder when we feel we can assign some blame to ourselves for that anxiety.
It was some way into my relationship when Mrs Dee said - Dee - it's not your job to fix me.
That was a revelation to me.
And looking back at it now it makes a lot of sense.
My partner is a strong capable independent woman - she can fix her own stuff - and when/if she needs a hand, she'll tell me
As far as getting out of the hole we dug with our drinking - yeah that takes a while...for everyone. But you're doing all you can, Lofty.
try not & beat yourself up too much, mate
D
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
You need to focus on you, your behavior, words, and attitude. Alanon works for spouses. Otherwise, your focus on her and taking her inventory shows your codependency and unsober behavior. Not trying to argue or hurt you, the facts ar speaking...
Best wishes on your new sobriety!
Best wishes on your new sobriety!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Mine was, oddly, pissed that I admitted to being an addict and got into 12 step. He claimed he was not, but it was clear otherwise. He wanted, I believe, for me to quit on my own, proving I was NOT an addict, and making it so no one in the community, and especially HIS community (academia) found out. I failed him on all fronts.
He was semi-tolerant but not supportive of my recovery. He thought he'd teach me a lesson by not being supportive; not encouraging my behavior. Now he is divorcing me, citing my "mental illness" as the main reason. He just doesn't love me anymore.
Now, admittently, I did things in active addiction that he has every right to can me over, but he chose not to. So I think I smell some hints of codependence here. We had decided, after I got clean, and things seemed to be looking up, to get marital counseling and work it out. I left the state for a 6 month job, and three months in he told me it was over, he was not interested in working things out, his life was more comfortable without me.
It is honestly unclear to me, whether my using, or ceasing to use is the major factor in the divorce.
He was semi-tolerant but not supportive of my recovery. He thought he'd teach me a lesson by not being supportive; not encouraging my behavior. Now he is divorcing me, citing my "mental illness" as the main reason. He just doesn't love me anymore.
Now, admittently, I did things in active addiction that he has every right to can me over, but he chose not to. So I think I smell some hints of codependence here. We had decided, after I got clean, and things seemed to be looking up, to get marital counseling and work it out. I left the state for a 6 month job, and three months in he told me it was over, he was not interested in working things out, his life was more comfortable without me.
It is honestly unclear to me, whether my using, or ceasing to use is the major factor in the divorce.
SoberOutlook
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Thanks Dee, SB, Threshold. I appreciate your insights. My primary concern is the trigger that the tension/anxiety/yelling in the household has for me as a trigger, and for the kids as they witness the chaos. Of course, I also realize that mom's demeanor is the single most influencing factor on the overall household "karma".
I have a pretty high patience threshold, but my wife knows which buttons to push, and how to shift and pivot during arguments to make my head spin. Then comes my red-faced burning rage, at which point its a fight or flight. Generally, it's been a trip to the nearest drink/smoke I can find. Now, it's a flight out of the house; I can't stay in the house as she'll chase me into any corner, like a madwoman.
Like Threshold, I get mixed signals about whether she is on board with recovery vs. quitting vs. using. I know that she is also confused, perhaps more than me, and has always been generally resistant to change, positive or negative. She has, over the years, also become insistent on "her way", demanding all things household be done her way, or she will jump and scream and shout until it is. I, long ago, gave up fighting, and along the way, gave up on myself, and took a dim view of my own self-worth. Maybe SB is right, maybe I am also codependent. There are definitely passive-aggressive traits on both sides.
Again, thanks for the insights. I think I know what the subject of tomorrow's counseling session will be...
I have a pretty high patience threshold, but my wife knows which buttons to push, and how to shift and pivot during arguments to make my head spin. Then comes my red-faced burning rage, at which point its a fight or flight. Generally, it's been a trip to the nearest drink/smoke I can find. Now, it's a flight out of the house; I can't stay in the house as she'll chase me into any corner, like a madwoman.
Like Threshold, I get mixed signals about whether she is on board with recovery vs. quitting vs. using. I know that she is also confused, perhaps more than me, and has always been generally resistant to change, positive or negative. She has, over the years, also become insistent on "her way", demanding all things household be done her way, or she will jump and scream and shout until it is. I, long ago, gave up fighting, and along the way, gave up on myself, and took a dim view of my own self-worth. Maybe SB is right, maybe I am also codependent. There are definitely passive-aggressive traits on both sides.
Again, thanks for the insights. I think I know what the subject of tomorrow's counseling session will be...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
One of the hardest things I had to learn in early sobriety was that there were many things that were not in my control. I had to learn patience and to let go of expectations of other people. And, it's really hard in early recovery when the reality of the messes we've made, face us head-on and we have to deal with them.
Have you and your wife considered marriage counselling?
I wish the best for both of you.
Have you and your wife considered marriage counselling?
I wish the best for both of you.
SoberOutlook
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Hi Anna, yes, we have tried counseling over the years numerous times, but never sober. My counselor has already expressed a wish to see my wife eventually, and I'll bring it up again tomorrow. Right now, I believe I am going to ask someone to be my sponsor tomorrow night (if he's there), and I met his Al-anon wife last week at a meeting where he was the speaker. I'm thinking we should have them over to dinner in a couple weeks when my kids will be at a church retreat, and maybe an introduction to her will bear fruit. My wife went on the al-anon blog for the first time yesterday, which I am glad of.
Thanks for the prayers!
Thanks for the prayers!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
Do you think that your wife's own drinking habit is having an impact? A bottle of wine a day seems like a lot, and maybe you getting sober means that she no longer has the excuse that your drinking is so much worse than hers. Just a thought.
SoberOutlook
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Yes, I think there is that element. My marriage has always had more competition in it than I've been comfortable with.
However, I will add that we spoke about both of our drinking yesterday, and she had only one beer yesterday, and the remainder of a bottle of wine, probably half a glass today, and already it seems better. She also admitted she drinks too much. I'm not trying to fix her, but to do my part in fixing us.
However, I will add that we spoke about both of our drinking yesterday, and she had only one beer yesterday, and the remainder of a bottle of wine, probably half a glass today, and already it seems better. She also admitted she drinks too much. I'm not trying to fix her, but to do my part in fixing us.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I have a boyfriend now. When we got together he was drinking, I didn't know how much or how often. I started using again. Our relationship was very tumultuous and erratic. Then after I overdosed, I got clean. Told him I could not be around him if he had been drinking. Even if he only had ONE drink, I could tell, just speaking to him on the phone.
He was shocked that I could always tell. I could ALWAYS tell. Even a little alcohol can make a huge change. And the drinking mindset itself, is a condition that makes for trouble in a relationship.
After a few weeks, he decided to quit and get into recovery. He had already tried a few times to quit on his own. He had admitted a while ago that he had a drinking problem and it was robbing him of his life. Our relationship is TOTALLY different now, with both of us clean and in recovery.
I guess the point of this is, even if your wife is drinking "a little"...it could still have a very large affect. More than either of you might realize. The most important thing for ME to remember through all this is that MY recovery must come first. Because partners, spouses, jobs, homes, etc may all come and go for any number of reasons, but I will always have my relationship with me. MY life to contend with. That must be my focus. And I will lose some things, and I will gain some things. And I must trust the process even when it looks like maybe this recovery thing isn't worth it. I just keep doing my thing, no matter what.
Sober I have a shot at life, a shot at being a good partner and good parent, good employee and friend. Nice to my dog and generous to waitresses and the newspaper boy. In active addiction I'm not good for anyone or anything.
He was shocked that I could always tell. I could ALWAYS tell. Even a little alcohol can make a huge change. And the drinking mindset itself, is a condition that makes for trouble in a relationship.
After a few weeks, he decided to quit and get into recovery. He had already tried a few times to quit on his own. He had admitted a while ago that he had a drinking problem and it was robbing him of his life. Our relationship is TOTALLY different now, with both of us clean and in recovery.
I guess the point of this is, even if your wife is drinking "a little"...it could still have a very large affect. More than either of you might realize. The most important thing for ME to remember through all this is that MY recovery must come first. Because partners, spouses, jobs, homes, etc may all come and go for any number of reasons, but I will always have my relationship with me. MY life to contend with. That must be my focus. And I will lose some things, and I will gain some things. And I must trust the process even when it looks like maybe this recovery thing isn't worth it. I just keep doing my thing, no matter what.
Sober I have a shot at life, a shot at being a good partner and good parent, good employee and friend. Nice to my dog and generous to waitresses and the newspaper boy. In active addiction I'm not good for anyone or anything.
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