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Old 08-20-2011, 07:54 PM   #1 (permalink)

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I've been reading these forums for years. For years I drank way more than I should have. I did a lot of really stupid things and I was starting to drink by myself when I got pregnant 6+ years ago. The day I found out I was pregnant I stopped drinking and smoking. I have never had another cigarette since the day I found out I was pregnant 6+ years ago. In the last six years I've had a drink or two a few times a year with dinner. In the last two years life has become more and more stressful with 3 kids, a full time job with lots of responsibility and a house to maintain. Last year the we bought a bigger house which means just more to take care of and a much longer commute to work. Lately I've been craving alcohol. I am terrified of my kids growing up because I fear that I won't have enough to do and I'll just go back to drinking. Tonight I'm home alone and I drank an entire bottle of wine. I haven't done that in over 6 years. I am scared that I'm so stressed with all of the responsibility that I have that I won't even wait until my kids are grown to start drinking excessively. I don't know why I drank a bottle of wine tonight and although I know I won't do this again for a very long time I'll wish that I could. I am scared of alcohol and the fact that although I've been away from drinking for a while it wouldn't take much for me to be back to drinking at every opportunity. I struggle with overeating too and then I diet excessively and run constantly. I just wish I could relax and not have to be so hyper-vigilant about drinking, eating and exercising. I'm sorry if this is rambling and I would appreciate any thoughts and or advise.
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Old 08-20-2011, 08:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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welcome back to SR peggy

If you're scared, then is looking for support a viable option for you? Whether it's posting regularly here or counselling or a recovery group like AA or SMART etc - maybe it's worth the very least it may help you face your fear?

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Old 08-20-2011, 08:42 PM   #3 (permalink)

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When I read the title of your post I could relate. Much of my behavior throughout my life has been driven by fear. Fear ran my life and nearly killed me. A few things that have worked for me so far are quitting substances, seeing a therapist, simplifying my life materially, and generally just digging deep...I had to stop chasing my tail to figure out exactly wtf I was running from. I too am a mom of 3. I did not wait until they were grown to start drinking excessively. It came close to them being taken from me for my final and most serious shenaningan.

I don't fear alcohol because I don't put it in my body. ever. but irrational fears caused me to do other crazy/exhasting/self-destructive things even in sobriety. When I began to address that I began to find some peace. I hope you can too peggy. hugs.
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Old 08-21-2011, 08:58 AM   #4 (permalink)
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It's all right to be frightened. You have every good reason to be scared of alcohol. But it's a bit ironic that this being "scared" may increase the likelihood of drinking so it might be wise to take this up with a counselor and explore ways of lessening the scared part, like trying to go a bit easier on yourself, easing back on some of your commitments if possible and, as they say, slow down and smell the roses a bit. Myself, I tend to be too obsessive-compulsive and a bit perfectionist and I have to learn that the world will continue to go on regardless of what I do or don't do.
The good part is that you seem to be well aware of the dangers of alcohol and are willing to admit your susceptibility. This is a lot more than some folks can do. Sounds like you've got a lot going for you. Good luck.

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Old 08-21-2011, 09:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Your post reminds me of a story told by Pema Chodron. I thought I'd share it.

"Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, "May I have permission to go into battle with you?" Fear said, "Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission." Then the young warrior said, "How can I defeat you?" Fear replied, "My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power." In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. "
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