Schwaber77

1 day short of day number 30 and my wife tells me that it's over, we are done.

We have been seperated for 31 days since the day of the "incident". I was arrested for 5th degree domsestic, 5th meaning she felt threatened while we were arguing (me yelling more then anything), I didn't lay a finger on her not that it makes it much better. After being released from county, I admitted myself into detox with some help from some good friends and upon release, started attending a few AA meetings per week. I am really trying to turn my life around for me, I'm trying to save my marriage, keep our family together, and trying to prove that I am serious about sobriety and try to make right of the wrongs I've done.

She knows of everything going on, the effort and commitment I'm putting into this but she can't get past the past. I never cheated, laid a finger on the kids or her and I took care of most that had to be taken care of in life. What I've done to her and the family is unacceptable, I understand that. I did alot of lying about my drinking and hiding it from them, being selfish, more concerned about getting my next drink but I've heard many stories about couples surviving much, much worse situations and even though I've been doing what I need to do, she's given up.

You know, I can't say that I don't deserve it because I know, I've been a d*ck for the past several years but I was thinking that this was caught early on and that things can be worked out for the sake of everyone in the family but apperently she thinks it's too late, that she could never love me again.

With the stress of this, drinking it away seems good right now but at the same time, I'm scared of the thought of having that first drink. I know I can't drink for sure, I know I shouldn't drink ever, for the sake of my health, my family, etc... but at this point I can't anyway because I'm being monitored for acohol intake-court ordered and I have 3 month lock up waiting if I were to get busted so obviously drinking would be incredibally stupid right now.

I just got back from a ride on the motorcycle, a little meditation time for myself, and while riding, thinking of everything, thinking about having a drink, which then led to think about the monitoring, it got me thinking about even if I wasn't being monitored, would I drink? That's when I realized I am scared, I could stop for a couple of beers but what if I didn't stop, maybe not today, tomorrow, next week, month, year etc.... but someday there is the possibility that I wouldn't stop and that thought scares the hell out of me. These thoughts happened for a reason, maybe God made this monitoring happen to give me time to realize what's going on, allowing me to think and realize how scared I am of tumbling down that hole again. Maybe a divorce is needed to address the other stuff, seems like a harsh way to get me to see this but maybe that's just the way it needs to be.

I've been very depressed, a couple of days at a time, a few times over the past month. The depression usually kicked in after a couple of days when it looks like things might pan out in the end, that if we worked at it, we'll make it, then those signals would change from good to bad, not very encouraging at all. So I asked her for her thoughts, I needed to know what was going to happen and that these mixed signals were killing me, I need to know if we are going to try to make it work, are we done, do we need more time, are we going to be sperated but see each other for a while (dates, riding together, having fun and easing our way into it which is how it was on and off since the speration), complete seperation for some time except for the sake of our children. One day it's one scenario, the next it's different, and the next it's different again. I just wanted to know, deep down what she felt so I can choose the path that will allow me to maintain my sobriety but if it's changin all of the time, it taking away some of the focus of the other stuff I need to focus on. I know, one day at a time and at this point, it should be all about me, working on me but part of that is me being a better father and a better husband.

Well, I guess I go the answer, not the one I was hoping for but I got an answer.

Sorry for rambling on but I needed to vent. My life f'd!

MycoolFitz

So sorry, don't know what to say really. My wife left me after I did a 28 day in and was several more months sober, of course she met an old friend with a nice harley while I was in. I handled it like a man and went back to the bottle. Funny thing is it didn't bring her back or erase the past but I guess I sure showed her, huh? Hang in there bud you know the bottle's not the answer, take it from an expert in F###ups.

suki44883

I'm sorry this is happening. Sometimes, recovery just comes too late. You can still be a better father and a better man. Drinking certainly isn't the answer, whether you're being monitored or not. Hang in there. Things will get better.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation Schwaber. Words are always inadequate.

I really do believe tho that, no matter what else happens, we need to keep our recovery as a priority - without that we literally have nothing...and little or no chance of changing that.

D

1undone

It's rough but this darn stuff (Alcohol) breaks up so many families all over. It sucks! I know I've thought of drinking many days through the last 80+ days but when I really think it through no good comes of it and like you I fear I might die. I've watched many a YOUTUBE excerpt on the effects of addiction and I don't want that path.

You still have to be a father and a friend to your wife. Your kids need you so badly and what you do will direct their lives - that's a lot of power and responsibility. Kids are the victims here and as adults it's our responsibility to care for them and try so hard to make their lives better than ours.

I hope you keep posting and I seriously hope you understand how important you are!!!!

Anna

I'm really sorry Schwaber that you are going through this.

I hope it helps to know that you are doing the right thing by staying sober and that you can work on being a great Dad for your kids.

This is one of those things in the Serenity Prayer that you cannot change and that you need courage to get through.

Nirvana1

I lost a lot after I got sober. Girl of my dreams gave up on me and was with someone else in 6 months. Everything else materially you can think of is gone too. Health is still in the dumps and everything on the outside is a mess.

Good thing is that drinking will make every single complaint I have worse. The girl is not coming back if I drink. My broken down car will not fix itself if I get loaded. Oh and my health will not improve with the poison either.

Point is we alcoholics sometimes get exactly what we deserve. The flipside is that if we work on sobriety and start living an honest life, we will also get exactly what we deserve.

sugarbear1

Those bottles need warning labels.

Your sober path is ahead. I wish you well.

LawMama

So sorry you are going through this.

Missy7

I'm sorry to hear that. But now you can move on and build your own life on your own terms. You move forward with a clean slate. Maybe even that would be helpful for your marriage.

Hang in there. PM me if you want to vent.

DisplacedGRITS

This is the time to be selfish in a healthy way. If you focus on your recovery and health only good will come of it. You have to be right for yourself to be right for anyone else. If she's ever going to accept you as her life partner and husband again, she will only do so after you are comfortable taking care of yourself. If she isn't, then it isn't meant to be and at least you can be proud of your sober self and she, as well as your children, won't feel ashamed about the person you are now. Our sobriety is the greatest gift we can give our loved ones as well as ourselves.

Schwaber77

Thanks everyone.

I just don't know... I knew she was the one, when I was in a serious motorcycle accident early in our relationship and I nearly died, when I came to a few days later, she was the first thing I saw. She was sleeping with her head on the side of my bed, I imagined it not being comfortable at all but she was there. From that point, I knew she was the one. She was so concerned that she never left my side and she took care of me while I was laid up. For this, I am grateful and I realized she is the one, the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Now, I wish I would have never woken up. This would have never happened, I wouldn't have tortured her with the BS I've put her through, we wouldn't have had our kids who are now suffering because of me and the seperation. I've f'd up beyond f up's.

I wish I could just crawl into a hole and disapear, I hate this, I hate eveything right now.

You ever seen a grown man riding a big harely and crying all at the same time, some people did tonight.

thekat

Hi everyone.

Schwaber, sorry that things aren't going well for you, I think for most of us in relationships that it is our biggest fear our partner will eventually walk away from us. But try to focus on all you have achieved so far, staying sober is a big deal and staying sober right now while you are going through this bad patch is an even bigger deal and would be a major accomplishment, you will be able to hold your head high and say 'you know what, I was at rock bottom, feeling so low and horrible BUT I still didn't cave in and pick up'. I guarantee you will feel so much better for it.

Remember you are only human and there is only so much you can do, and you are doing your very best right now, the one thing you can't do is turn back time and undo things that are done, you can only change your future, not your past.

You have kids that you love who will benefit so much from you not drinking, I know for me having had my stepdaughter staying with us the last 3 weeks has helped me no end, we've done things together we haven't done for a long time because of my drinking. It has brought us closer together and slowly mending the relationship problems between us that were caused by the repercussions of drinking. I can tell she is regaining the respect she used to have for me and we are talking a lot more openly.

Just that one change between her and me is all the reason I need to not drink, and their are so many more relationships improving because of it.

Stay strong, and be kind to yourself

Kat

instant

Hang in there . Do what you know is the right path

ajangel

So very sorry Schwaber. I have no words to say that would bring you comfort. Just know that your friends here at SR are here when you need to vent. Allow God to help you through this.

DayTrader

Sorry to hear that my friend. I had a similar experience......but I was still drinking when my wife and I had "that talk." And don't you feel ashamed either.... I cried like a frickin baby.....for a long time......over my divorce. It devastated me. But...... I was able to grow........and my life changed......and I did get to the point where it was not only something I could accept without getting depressed, I eventually got to the point where I am now - where I'm grateful for what we had when we were together but I'm also grateful for what we each have now - apart. Given a choice today, I don't think my life would be anywhere near as good as it is IF she was back with me. Equally as important, I think/believe/hope she's better off without ME in her life.

While it was happening.......when it was "fresh," I didn't handle it so well. I did my best but that didn't include doing much more than I'd ever done when things got me really down and upset - I called my buddies, I talked to my mom (a lot), and I drank.

That divorce effected me on so many deep levels I still don't think I could cover them all -- and if I did, I'm sure I'd put anyone reading this to sleep - lol. Suffice it to say, divorces.......even the threat/talk of divorce, is a very serious deal. Given that you're newly dry, it's ESPECIALLY important that you seek some help. I didn't do that....I just "took it" and "dealt with it." My way sucked. Don't do what I did.

Eventually, after another year "out there" and a 3rd DUI, I was forced to find an out-patient substance abuse therapist. After several misfires, I finally found a lady who seemed to be "the one." Whaddya know, she was in AA, had a divorce, and was experienced in dealing with both divorce, sobriety, and recovery (from both) via the 12 steps. .....I thought that sounded silly but I was so depressed and miserable I was willing to give it a shot. .....heh, thank God...... that was the best decision I was ever forced to make that I could have made. (heh.....not that I really made it - I was forced into it ).

ABSOLUTELY seek out some help - either in a professional or in AA (there are thousands of ppl with experience in this area) or both. Maintaining sobriety through a time like this is verrrrrry important but it's also difficult. You're going to have to take a long hard look at what you want your priorities to be.

I'll close with this...... even though I still have the occasional sad thought about my divorce......even though I still miss her once and a while......I can tell you that exactly the right thing happened. As painful as it was, it was the best thing for her and it was the best thing for me. It took me some time and it took some work for me to see that.....for me to get to where I am now......but I didn't really start MY healing until I tried some "new actions" - like seeing someone about it, openly talking to ppl about what was going on, and not returning to my "old" coping methods.

SindyLuhu

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Schwaber--I'm not trying to go all God on you...but...reread your posts and decide what you cannot change and what you can change.

From where I sit...you have a tremendous opportunity to change YOU for the BETTER!! You have the opportunity to change and be a better father to your kids! Your kids love you no matter what. (Trust me, my dad was real jerk growing up...raging alcoholic...and as much as I hate to admit it...I love him).

I'm not trying to discount the fact that you're hurting. I can clearly see that by reading your story. But you're here and you have many areas in your life that you DO have control over and you CAN make a positive change. YOU DO YOU! You owe it to yourself.

I wish happiness for you. We all deserve it no matter how bad we f'k up. Keep coming back!

saphira

I don't have anything else to add because all those above me did a great job with advice. Just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

wheresthefun

Schwabber, I'll speak of the divorce part. As painful as mine was, I can honestly say it is the best thing that every happened to me. No, I did not get sober during it, but (just before "the talk" I knew it was coming) I had gotten into therapy to finally deal with my life long depression. It was the kick in the ass I finally needed, beat this depression BS or die (I hated the meds, I'd have rather died than continue to take them).

Again, as painful as it was, it is without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me, including getting sober. In fact, without working through all the reasons I was depressed...drinking, I don't think I'd be where I am today, in terms of becoming a non-drinker/recovering alcoholic/or whatever I want to call myself or anyone else wants to call me.

The only down side, I do regret the pain it caused our son, and for that I will be eternally sorry, but I can't undo it. He has also been through plenty of therapy and fortunately I was his primary custodial parent after the split, so we dealt with everything head on.

Here's a funny one, not completely off topic. I was straight up with my lawyer, told her of my "drinking problem", she said:
"Ever have a DUI?"
"No"
"Every been arrested for a domestic or anything alcohol related?"
"No."
she then said, "not an issue, period". What, what, WHAT?????

One of my shrinks once said, my now wife and I are what "they" call "flying under the radar". Professionally successful, zero run ins with the law...yet we are both flat out drunks, no ifs, ands, or buts.

Missy7

Schwabber--there are many "right ones."

Try not to do that to yourself--that aggrandizing of your loss.

It is entirely possible that while you were misbehaving she was moving away of her own volition. Maybe your drinking made it easier for her.

Because you have done a heroic job here lately (better than I have) and you should be proud of that.