So I need to start a thread.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 522
So I need to start a thread.
Because, here I am again, at just about a month, just like last November, and it's Friday, and the mental obsession is hitting me like a ton of bricks.
Physically, I feel great. But all this week, and today especially, I am consumed with the thought of getting a bottle after work today.
The boiling cauldron of chaos and insanity in my life has cooled to barely a simmer this past month, and yet I am obsessed with buying a bottle and getting drunk tonight.
I could almost laugh at the insanity of it all if it wasn't so sad.
-SD
Physically, I feel great. But all this week, and today especially, I am consumed with the thought of getting a bottle after work today.
The boiling cauldron of chaos and insanity in my life has cooled to barely a simmer this past month, and yet I am obsessed with buying a bottle and getting drunk tonight.
I could almost laugh at the insanity of it all if it wasn't so sad.
-SD
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
It's not OK to go do that. No matter what your insane mind is telling you; it's just no longer OK for you to get drunk. It just leads to so much pain and destruction for you. It's not working for you anymore.
Try and ride this one out. Pat your insanity on the head and tell it to go lie down in the corner. It needs a rest.
Much love.
Try and ride this one out. Pat your insanity on the head and tell it to go lie down in the corner. It needs a rest.
Much love.
Guest
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
If you have tried it already, maybe you should try AA or another program this time. Call a sober friend. That evil little voice in your head is very powerful but it is a liar. We all know that voice. Keep reading posts on this site. Go for a long walk, go exercise. Anything to de-stress and stay sober. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
Originally Posted by SDSurfn 
Yes, I'm playing the tape all the way through. I think I will be doing this over and over again till I'm asleep tonight.
Early sobriety ain't easy, folks.
-SD
Early sobriety ain't easy, folks.
-SD
I was right there, I’m almost 43 and have been drinking for years and years, Friday and Saturday nights were the nights I’d buy extra. Truth is I’d be drunk every night looking for that high, nothing would stand in my way either.
The hardest part at first was not picking up, after work I come here and I read…
You can do this, even if it sucks for a while
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Welcome back
Yes, early sobriety sucks. It takes a while to repair the damage we have done to our bodies, minds, and spirits. Let alone all the damage we have done to our lives and the lives of those who care about us.
You can do this. Do you have a support group or program of recovery to help you during this tough period? If not I would suggest getting one. There are many programs out there and SR is also a wonderful tool of support.
Take care and again glad you are here.
Yes, early sobriety sucks. It takes a while to repair the damage we have done to our bodies, minds, and spirits. Let alone all the damage we have done to our lives and the lives of those who care about us.
You can do this. Do you have a support group or program of recovery to help you during this tough period? If not I would suggest getting one. There are many programs out there and SR is also a wonderful tool of support.
Take care and again glad you are here.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I was a chronic relapser but I finally crawled out of the bottle and liked what I saw. AFter trying and failing for nearly two years I finally got it and now have twenty months sober. You can too. Don't let the b@stard win.
You can too. Don't let the b@stard win.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Friday night, and there used to be no question as to what I'd be doing, now I have to think, plan, not just kick back and relax...grrrrrr
I wanted to use tonight, but I asked myself, just real honest like...'is that who you want to be?"
no, it's not. It's that simple, so then I asked myself 'do you know how to be someone different?"
no, not really, but I know this...if I want to be someone different, I have to do something different, so I have to do what the person I want to be would do. I don't have that all figured out yet...so I asked myself what a person in recovery would do, because I want to be a recovering addict. And my brain told me to get out of the house, find wifi and get on here. So that is what I did!
Now, I can't sit on this sidewalk all night, it's about time to go home, so I have to ask myself again, what would a recovering addict do? And if I'm not sure, I need to do some research here before I log off!
No matter how confused I get, and believe me I get seriously confused, I do know this much, one thing a recovering addict NEVER does...is use.
heck, I've tried all sorts of strange things that recovering addicts have suggested to me as alternatives to using...praying, walking, playing "memory" with cards, calling another addict, painting my nails, writing letters, reading literature, listening to talk radio, at home karaoke, coloring books, shower, laundry, detailing the kitchen/bathroom, organizing my junk drawer...and they all help, they all get me closer to who I want to be than using ever did.
now it's time to log off. another grateful recovering addict
I wanted to use tonight, but I asked myself, just real honest like...'is that who you want to be?"
no, it's not. It's that simple, so then I asked myself 'do you know how to be someone different?"
no, not really, but I know this...if I want to be someone different, I have to do something different, so I have to do what the person I want to be would do. I don't have that all figured out yet...so I asked myself what a person in recovery would do, because I want to be a recovering addict. And my brain told me to get out of the house, find wifi and get on here. So that is what I did!
Now, I can't sit on this sidewalk all night, it's about time to go home, so I have to ask myself again, what would a recovering addict do? And if I'm not sure, I need to do some research here before I log off!
No matter how confused I get, and believe me I get seriously confused, I do know this much, one thing a recovering addict NEVER does...is use.
heck, I've tried all sorts of strange things that recovering addicts have suggested to me as alternatives to using...praying, walking, playing "memory" with cards, calling another addict, painting my nails, writing letters, reading literature, listening to talk radio, at home karaoke, coloring books, shower, laundry, detailing the kitchen/bathroom, organizing my junk drawer...and they all help, they all get me closer to who I want to be than using ever did.
now it's time to log off. another grateful recovering addict
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Listen to an AA speaker online.
Joe D is funny
Silas was the first airline pilot to get caught fling a plane while drunk
Do a search - AA speakers online
There are other programs that aren't AA that are available.
My higher power is Life.
Joe D is funny
Silas was the first airline pilot to get caught fling a plane while drunk
Do a search - AA speakers online
There are other programs that aren't AA that are available.
My higher power is Life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 522
I caved Friday night. A team of wild horses couldn't have kept me from buying that bottle.
I know what I should have done. I have support available to me. I have phone numbers. I know when and where the AA meetings are.
The thing is, I wanted to get drunk Friday night.
Until I stop wanting to, I feel I will be stuck in this endless loop.
Anyway, not that I like counting days, but I've been sober 28 of the last 29 days. Gotta accentuate the positive.
-SD
I know what I should have done. I have support available to me. I have phone numbers. I know when and where the AA meetings are.
The thing is, I wanted to get drunk Friday night.
Until I stop wanting to, I feel I will be stuck in this endless loop.
Anyway, not that I like counting days, but I've been sober 28 of the last 29 days. Gotta accentuate the positive.
-SD
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I think you make a great point, you have to WANT to stop drinking, want to stop getting drunk, etc. You may be able to figure out why that night, you didn't not want to, why you wanted to so badly.
I am finally doing some of that, looking for the patterns, seeing them for what they are. I am writing my fourth step and it's pretty eye opening, and not all in a bad way. I am able to see why, and when I get the urge to ingage in my addictions, ask myself what it is I am really wanting to achieve, avoid, numb, etc. I don't feel so at the mercy of my urges. They are very powerful, but I see that they are "mortal" so to speak, not this mysterious energy that was bigger than I am. I can choose now to do that, or do something else.
I really wanted to use the other night. It's what I know. I knew how it would make me feel. It was predictable, dependable, but I also know I want something different now. And the only way to do that, is to do it, and to make some other choices. And for me that means making other choices for myself before it's "too late" and I've gone off on another binge. But, I have also found out I can make that choice once I've started going there. I can still say no, even as I am driving to the store, even as I am eyeing the bag in the car, as I am getting to the door of the house as I am opening the bottle. I can still say no, and not go there. I can. I have. and it feels great, because by saying no to that I am saying yes to myself, to the myself I want to be.
I read a couple weeks here a post by someone who found a pill under their tv stand, put it in their mouth, said "what am I doing?" and spit it out.
It's not too late to do the better thing. That post helped me alot. To know there is no such thing as too late.
I am finally doing some of that, looking for the patterns, seeing them for what they are. I am writing my fourth step and it's pretty eye opening, and not all in a bad way. I am able to see why, and when I get the urge to ingage in my addictions, ask myself what it is I am really wanting to achieve, avoid, numb, etc. I don't feel so at the mercy of my urges. They are very powerful, but I see that they are "mortal" so to speak, not this mysterious energy that was bigger than I am. I can choose now to do that, or do something else.
I really wanted to use the other night. It's what I know. I knew how it would make me feel. It was predictable, dependable, but I also know I want something different now. And the only way to do that, is to do it, and to make some other choices. And for me that means making other choices for myself before it's "too late" and I've gone off on another binge. But, I have also found out I can make that choice once I've started going there. I can still say no, even as I am driving to the store, even as I am eyeing the bag in the car, as I am getting to the door of the house as I am opening the bottle. I can still say no, and not go there. I can. I have. and it feels great, because by saying no to that I am saying yes to myself, to the myself I want to be.
I read a couple weeks here a post by someone who found a pill under their tv stand, put it in their mouth, said "what am I doing?" and spit it out.
It's not too late to do the better thing. That post helped me alot. To know there is no such thing as too late.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry to hear that SD.
I hear ya - despite all the dangers and problems and misery I wanted to drink - right up until that very last night when I was in fear of my life.
You can go my route and quit right at the very end...but I don't recommend it...it can mean years of misery...and frankly a lot of people simply don't make it through.
Use those numbers, use the support SD....even if the phone is a ton to lift, or the keyboard is made of glue....
Make different choices and I promise - give it time, and you will find your perspectives will change and your perception will clear
D
I hear ya - despite all the dangers and problems and misery I wanted to drink - right up until that very last night when I was in fear of my life.
You can go my route and quit right at the very end...but I don't recommend it...it can mean years of misery...and frankly a lot of people simply don't make it through.
Use those numbers, use the support SD....even if the phone is a ton to lift, or the keyboard is made of glue....
Make different choices and I promise - give it time, and you will find your perspectives will change and your perception will clear
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 33
I was doing fine until June 18, when my brother committed suicide. Being analytical, I really didn't care about him or why he did it, but the onslaught of family members calling me and asking for support was more than I could deal with, so, I started drinking heavily again. A half gallon of vodka a night, just to pass out. So, I need to deal with that. I hope you get the help you need, I am, in 2 weeks.
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