Giving Sobriety a 2nd Chance only this time WITH AA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 14
Giving Sobriety a 2nd Chance only this time WITH AA
Hello everybody I haven't posted in what seems like a Coons Age.
I am a 23 year old Alcoholic. I am not the full fledged Alcoholic type as I never drank every day nor did I constantly obsess over the booze. I was however a party animal, a weekend warrior. But I knew and felt that my drinking was getting worse and worse (I got a DUI, I lost a few jobs, causing problems for my parents).
On New Years Eve I decided to give up the sauce and was successful for 5 and a half months on sheer will power all on my own. Nobody gave me a hope in hell of being successful. But I was out to prove myself and I did (for a short time anyway :P). For the first 4 months I was riding some sort of emotional high (confident with myself, happy, positive, energy galore). It was unbelievably awesome. So awesome that sober days ticked off on my calender changed from X's to Smiley Faces. Sadly the emotional high left me and my smiley faces turned to sad faces. Feelings of anxiety, hopelessness, depression, sadness, low energy, negativity flooded within me. This led me to believe that maybe just maybe I could give my drinking another go after weeks of negotiating with myself.
This negotiating with myself finally made me get so flustered that I just said "screw it" and I drank again. I was with my buddy on his patio and I honestly looked at that beer in front of me in the shimmering sun and thought about it for a good hour. It was cracked and ready to be drank and EVERYTHING lol.. Anyway, I had 5 beers in 5 hours that night because I was attempting to moderate and of course wanted my feelings of shittyness to go away. However moderating felt even shittier than not drinking at the time :P. Later that night at home I felt so guilty and ashamed for throwing away 5.5 months. The next night I drank only 2 beers. The next day/night was more than a few. The following day I felt depressed, lost in life, confused, suicidal. Emotional pain like none other.
Moral of the story, I couldn't enjoy moderating my drank. It was painful not being able to let loose and do it up big like I was used to (also what my friends and family were used too). Me and moderating is like mixing coke and milk. Alcohol in my teens/20,21 made me a happy go lucky, popular, well liked person. I was a very happy drunk. It doesn't do those things for me anymore.
Anyhow I am now 35 days sober but only this time with the help of AA as I can't do it alone. For me in my first month in AA, I feel depressed, sad, useless, alone. This past month I've been hiding at home only leaving for work, summer hockey and AA meetings. Ironically I am not alone in AA but it still feels that way. This "simple" program that they talk about seems about as simple as walking on water. However despite my feelings I am still going, still sticking with it. I believe in the Big Man upstairs and am praying every night and got a sponsor as well. I know drinking is not the answer. I just want to be happy. I want to be comfortable and confident that this life of sobriety is worth it. Right now I'm not, but thats ok. I'm essentially damned if I do drink, and damned if I don't drink but hopefully that changes.
Questions, Comments, Concerns, Advice, all that jazz would be just delightful. Have a great DAY
thanks for listening,
Peace and Love,
Snakes
I am a 23 year old Alcoholic. I am not the full fledged Alcoholic type as I never drank every day nor did I constantly obsess over the booze. I was however a party animal, a weekend warrior. But I knew and felt that my drinking was getting worse and worse (I got a DUI, I lost a few jobs, causing problems for my parents).
On New Years Eve I decided to give up the sauce and was successful for 5 and a half months on sheer will power all on my own. Nobody gave me a hope in hell of being successful. But I was out to prove myself and I did (for a short time anyway :P). For the first 4 months I was riding some sort of emotional high (confident with myself, happy, positive, energy galore). It was unbelievably awesome. So awesome that sober days ticked off on my calender changed from X's to Smiley Faces. Sadly the emotional high left me and my smiley faces turned to sad faces. Feelings of anxiety, hopelessness, depression, sadness, low energy, negativity flooded within me. This led me to believe that maybe just maybe I could give my drinking another go after weeks of negotiating with myself.
This negotiating with myself finally made me get so flustered that I just said "screw it" and I drank again. I was with my buddy on his patio and I honestly looked at that beer in front of me in the shimmering sun and thought about it for a good hour. It was cracked and ready to be drank and EVERYTHING lol.. Anyway, I had 5 beers in 5 hours that night because I was attempting to moderate and of course wanted my feelings of shittyness to go away. However moderating felt even shittier than not drinking at the time :P. Later that night at home I felt so guilty and ashamed for throwing away 5.5 months. The next night I drank only 2 beers. The next day/night was more than a few. The following day I felt depressed, lost in life, confused, suicidal. Emotional pain like none other.
Moral of the story, I couldn't enjoy moderating my drank. It was painful not being able to let loose and do it up big like I was used to (also what my friends and family were used too). Me and moderating is like mixing coke and milk. Alcohol in my teens/20,21 made me a happy go lucky, popular, well liked person. I was a very happy drunk. It doesn't do those things for me anymore.
Anyhow I am now 35 days sober but only this time with the help of AA as I can't do it alone. For me in my first month in AA, I feel depressed, sad, useless, alone. This past month I've been hiding at home only leaving for work, summer hockey and AA meetings. Ironically I am not alone in AA but it still feels that way. This "simple" program that they talk about seems about as simple as walking on water. However despite my feelings I am still going, still sticking with it. I believe in the Big Man upstairs and am praying every night and got a sponsor as well. I know drinking is not the answer. I just want to be happy. I want to be comfortable and confident that this life of sobriety is worth it. Right now I'm not, but thats ok. I'm essentially damned if I do drink, and damned if I don't drink but hopefully that changes.
Questions, Comments, Concerns, Advice, all that jazz would be just delightful. Have a great DAY
thanks for listening,
Peace and Love,
Snakes
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
It really comes down to if alcohol is making your life any better. By your answer that was a no even when it came to moderate drinking. Reaching out for help is a good way to get your self back on track. With most recovery programs they succeed rate is very very low. So if AA does not work for you there is always SOS, SMARTS, and others to look into if AA just does not work for you.
Who told you that you can't stay sober on your own?
Who told you that you can't stay sober on your own?
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Welcome to SR, Snakes! 
Congrats on your 35 days!
Since moderating wasn't working, you probably already know you can be confident that sobriety is your best option, right? So you've already established that. Find out the combination of things that's going to work and feel best for you. And have confidence in yourself that you can do this... that's my personal opinion. That's what helped me.
I think sobriety can be simpler for some than for others... it's all in where you are in the stages of change, and what tools you pick and choose from.
Keep an open mind, and I'd be wary of any program claiming "absolutes" and dogma that doesn't sit well with you. No one has the monopoly on recovering from addiction.
Good luck! And... just so you know, it's documented that MANY people, and supposedly the majority, recover on their own!
Congrats on your 35 days! Since moderating wasn't working, you probably already know you can be confident that sobriety is your best option, right? So you've already established that. Find out the combination of things that's going to work and feel best for you. And have confidence in yourself that you can do this... that's my personal opinion. That's what helped me.
I think sobriety can be simpler for some than for others... it's all in where you are in the stages of change, and what tools you pick and choose from.
Keep an open mind, and I'd be wary of any program claiming "absolutes" and dogma that doesn't sit well with you. No one has the monopoly on recovering from addiction.
Good luck! And... just so you know, it's documented that MANY people, and supposedly the majority, recover on their own!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Welcome back Snakes 
I think a bit of depression and even isolation is pretty standard for a lot of us in early recovery - I'm not an AA member, but I'm glad you've decided to stick with AA for now - I think something is always better than nothing.
I doubted my progress too, but I trusted the folks here who assured me things would get better, so long as I kept working. They were right
As others have said there are other alternatives and other programmes - but personally I'd think more about things, and try get to the bottom of my malaise first
D
I think a bit of depression and even isolation is pretty standard for a lot of us in early recovery - I'm not an AA member, but I'm glad you've decided to stick with AA for now - I think something is always better than nothing.
I doubted my progress too, but I trusted the folks here who assured me things would get better, so long as I kept working. They were right
As others have said there are other alternatives and other programmes - but personally I'd think more about things, and try get to the bottom of my malaise first
D
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
Awesome good job fighting the good fight, Friend.
After about six months of going it alone you decided going it alone isn't an option. Fair enough, that's certainly the case for lots of folks. In this second attempt at lasting sobriety, consider working the AA program for half that time (i.e. 90 days) before drawing a conclusion. If you're still not feeling it, then do exactly what you did this time around only without the return to drinking! That is, choose another horse and ride the living **** out of it.
After about six months of going it alone you decided going it alone isn't an option. Fair enough, that's certainly the case for lots of folks. In this second attempt at lasting sobriety, consider working the AA program for half that time (i.e. 90 days) before drawing a conclusion. If you're still not feeling it, then do exactly what you did this time around only without the return to drinking! That is, choose another horse and ride the living **** out of it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Hi Snakes,
I hope that you start to feel better soon.
What I know for sure is that stopping drinking is just the beginning, and that's when the hard work begins. I am not an AA person, but I have worked on myself from the inside out and continue to do so. I believe that we need to deal with the reasons that we began to drink in the first place, and those reasons might not be as simple as you think.
It's great that you are back here and working on recovery.
I hope that you start to feel better soon.
What I know for sure is that stopping drinking is just the beginning, and that's when the hard work begins. I am not an AA person, but I have worked on myself from the inside out and continue to do so. I believe that we need to deal with the reasons that we began to drink in the first place, and those reasons might not be as simple as you think.
It's great that you are back here and working on recovery.
Guest
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
Originally Posted by Snakes37 
Hello everybody I haven't posted in what seems like a Coons Age.
I am a 23 year old Alcoholic. I am not the full fledged Alcoholic type as I never drank every day nor did I constantly obsess over the booze. I was however a party animal, a weekend warrior. But I knew and felt that my drinking was getting worse and worse (I got a DUI, I lost a few jobs, causing problems for my parents).
On New Years Eve I decided to give up the sauce and was successful for 5 and a half months on sheer will power all on my own. Nobody gave me a hope in hell of being successful. But I was out to prove myself and I did (for a short time anyway :P). For the first 4 months I was riding some sort of emotional high (confident with myself, happy, positive, energy galore). It was unbelievably awesome. So awesome that sober days ticked off on my calender changed from X's to Smiley Faces. Sadly the emotional high left me and my smiley faces turned to sad faces. Feelings of anxiety, hopelessness, depression, sadness, low energy, negativity flooded within me. This led me to believe that maybe just maybe I could give my drinking another go after weeks of negotiating with myself.
This negotiating with myself finally made me get so flustered that I just said "screw it" and I drank again. I was with my buddy on his patio and I honestly looked at that beer in front of me in the shimmering sun and thought about it for a good hour. It was cracked and ready to be drank and EVERYTHING lol.. Anyway, I had 5 beers in 5 hours that night because I was attempting to moderate and of course wanted my feelings of shittyness to go away. However moderating felt even shittier than not drinking at the time :P. Later that night at home I felt so guilty and ashamed for throwing away 5.5 months. The next night I drank only 2 beers. The next day/night was more than a few. The following day I felt depressed, lost in life, confused, suicidal. Emotional pain like none other.
Moral of the story, I couldn't enjoy moderating my drank. It was painful not being able to let loose and do it up big like I was used to (also what my friends and family were used too). Me and moderating is like mixing coke and milk. Alcohol in my teens/20,21 made me a happy go lucky, popular, well liked person. I was a very happy drunk. It doesn't do those things for me anymore.
Anyhow I am now 35 days sober but only this time with the help of AA as I can't do it alone. For me in my first month in AA, I feel depressed, sad, useless, alone. This past month I've been hiding at home only leaving for work, summer hockey and AA meetings. Ironically I am not alone in AA but it still feels that way. This "simple" program that they talk about seems about as simple as walking on water. However despite my feelings I am still going, still sticking with it. I believe in the Big Man upstairs and am praying every night and got a sponsor as well. I know drinking is not the answer. I just want to be happy. I want to be comfortable and confident that this life of sobriety is worth it. Right now I'm not, but thats ok. I'm essentially damned if I do drink, and damned if I don't drink but hopefully that changes.
Questions, Comments, Concerns, Advice, all that jazz would be just delightful. Have a great DAY
thanks for listening,
Peace and Love,
Snakes
I am a 23 year old Alcoholic. I am not the full fledged Alcoholic type as I never drank every day nor did I constantly obsess over the booze. I was however a party animal, a weekend warrior. But I knew and felt that my drinking was getting worse and worse (I got a DUI, I lost a few jobs, causing problems for my parents).
On New Years Eve I decided to give up the sauce and was successful for 5 and a half months on sheer will power all on my own. Nobody gave me a hope in hell of being successful. But I was out to prove myself and I did (for a short time anyway :P). For the first 4 months I was riding some sort of emotional high (confident with myself, happy, positive, energy galore). It was unbelievably awesome. So awesome that sober days ticked off on my calender changed from X's to Smiley Faces. Sadly the emotional high left me and my smiley faces turned to sad faces. Feelings of anxiety, hopelessness, depression, sadness, low energy, negativity flooded within me. This led me to believe that maybe just maybe I could give my drinking another go after weeks of negotiating with myself.
This negotiating with myself finally made me get so flustered that I just said "screw it" and I drank again. I was with my buddy on his patio and I honestly looked at that beer in front of me in the shimmering sun and thought about it for a good hour. It was cracked and ready to be drank and EVERYTHING lol.. Anyway, I had 5 beers in 5 hours that night because I was attempting to moderate and of course wanted my feelings of shittyness to go away. However moderating felt even shittier than not drinking at the time :P. Later that night at home I felt so guilty and ashamed for throwing away 5.5 months. The next night I drank only 2 beers. The next day/night was more than a few. The following day I felt depressed, lost in life, confused, suicidal. Emotional pain like none other.
Moral of the story, I couldn't enjoy moderating my drank. It was painful not being able to let loose and do it up big like I was used to (also what my friends and family were used too). Me and moderating is like mixing coke and milk. Alcohol in my teens/20,21 made me a happy go lucky, popular, well liked person. I was a very happy drunk. It doesn't do those things for me anymore.
Anyhow I am now 35 days sober but only this time with the help of AA as I can't do it alone. For me in my first month in AA, I feel depressed, sad, useless, alone. This past month I've been hiding at home only leaving for work, summer hockey and AA meetings. Ironically I am not alone in AA but it still feels that way. This "simple" program that they talk about seems about as simple as walking on water. However despite my feelings I am still going, still sticking with it. I believe in the Big Man upstairs and am praying every night and got a sponsor as well. I know drinking is not the answer. I just want to be happy. I want to be comfortable and confident that this life of sobriety is worth it. Right now I'm not, but thats ok. I'm essentially damned if I do drink, and damned if I don't drink but hopefully that changes.
Questions, Comments, Concerns, Advice, all that jazz would be just delightful. Have a great DAY
thanks for listening,
Peace and Love,
Snakes
I too feel very lonely except when I am in AA and on the SR board. I find it helps to be able to listen to people that understand what I am going through without judgment. Maybe you need to try different AA meetings. I brought up my loneliness last week at AA and these are the things they suggested. Start volunteering. Greet people at the door. Help with coffee or washing the tables. Go out with someone for coffee if they offer. That is if you truly want to give AA a try. There are other support groups as others have suggested. Good luck. You are going great.
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