Friend Frustrations
TenYearsGone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 56
Friend Frustrations
I have been sober for almost 2 weeks. This will be my 2nd weekend not going out to the bars, getting hammered & socializing drunkenly w/ my "friends". That is ok. I am finding other things to do with my time. It is hard b/c I am feeling lonely & don't have any sober friends. My husband is sober but is at the point where he can socialize with ease in the scene. I don't think I'm there yet.
What makes me sad is that I feel my "best friend" is pulling away from me b/c she has a drinking problem & I have given it up. Ever since I called her out on drunk dialing me last weekend (my 1st weekend sober), she has seemed distant. I don't want to talk to someone who's wasted right now as I am getting clean...it's just too frustrating & annoying.
We have had fun times together without any substances. However, she is at the point where she is telling me she wants to quit, but going & drinking most evenings anyhow. I feel like me getting sober is putting a big mirror in front of her face that she doesn't want to see. I really care for her, but right now I really wish I had a sober friend. Out of ALL these people I know, I can't think of a single one who is totally sober.
What makes me sad is that I feel my "best friend" is pulling away from me b/c she has a drinking problem & I have given it up. Ever since I called her out on drunk dialing me last weekend (my 1st weekend sober), she has seemed distant. I don't want to talk to someone who's wasted right now as I am getting clean...it's just too frustrating & annoying.
We have had fun times together without any substances. However, she is at the point where she is telling me she wants to quit, but going & drinking most evenings anyhow. I feel like me getting sober is putting a big mirror in front of her face that she doesn't want to see. I really care for her, but right now I really wish I had a sober friend. Out of ALL these people I know, I can't think of a single one who is totally sober.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 169
I am in the same boat. Even my husband drinks every night. It is hard, especially when some of them (friends/family) don't get it and ask why you can't just pace yourself when drinking. I think I am going to have to stay in this weekend too. I guess you could say we have sober friends here at SR! 
I know I will be around here this weekend.
But in real life we need friends too.... I hope she comes around. I bet she does, and misses you.
I think I am actually going to venture out and join a group or a class and try to make some new friends that don't seem to think drinking is the only way to spend your weekend..... Hopefully some of my old ones will see me as an example, but I would never ask that of them - though I wish I could so badly! Just not how it works though.
I know I will be around here this weekend.But in real life we need friends too.... I hope she comes around. I bet she does, and misses you.
I think I am actually going to venture out and join a group or a class and try to make some new friends that don't seem to think drinking is the only way to spend your weekend..... Hopefully some of my old ones will see me as an example, but I would never ask that of them - though I wish I could so badly! Just not how it works though.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 522
I recently ended a 10 year friendship. I simply decided I could not have an all day every day drinker in my life.
Difficult? Yes. But this is Life or Death stuff for me here, and I choose Life.
For me, getting and staying sober required major changes in my life.
Change can be uncomfortable at first. But my life had descended into chaos and insanity as a result of drinking.
I have learned that sometimes we need to let go of people in our lives in order to get better.
You're not alone in this.
-SD
Difficult? Yes. But this is Life or Death stuff for me here, and I choose Life.
For me, getting and staying sober required major changes in my life.
Change can be uncomfortable at first. But my life had descended into chaos and insanity as a result of drinking.
I have learned that sometimes we need to let go of people in our lives in order to get better.
You're not alone in this.
-SD
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
You sure aren't alone. My husband is also a nightly drinker (and weed smoker). I don't think we've ever been so far apart in terms of life goals. It really saddens me 
He offered me some pot last night, and he knows I've never been that into it. I had to answer, 'no thanks. I'm completely clean and sober, and I like it that way". Hard though, when it's someone in your home...I feel like I can never get away from drinking - it's around me all the time. I'm 100 days today and still feeling strong, just irritated by the constant contact with drinkers I have to have.
My best friend and I have drifted apart a bit too. She's a very heavy drinker - as are all my friends - and she told me our friendship has changed a lot since I got sober. We used to hang out at my pool in the summer, glugging wine. I've still invited her over, but she hasn't come, preferring to go to another mutual friend's house who is also a heavy drinker. I haven't been invited to those get togethers, and it hurts. There have been several gatherings where I haven't been invited - and I would have been first on the list before quitting - and I have to be honest, it really has upset me, and made me question whether I'm no 'fun' any more. Maybe just not that sort of drunken silly fun any more and people don't like it? I don't know, I'm still processing my feelings about this.
I guess I'm still finding out who 'I' am. I like it, and and I'm not prepared to compromise my sobriety by drinking to fit back in. I definitely think when you become sober, you bring to attention other's drinking habits..and a lot of people become self conscious about their own consumption. I've never judged them about it, so it's been quite an eye opener.
He offered me some pot last night, and he knows I've never been that into it. I had to answer, 'no thanks. I'm completely clean and sober, and I like it that way". Hard though, when it's someone in your home...I feel like I can never get away from drinking - it's around me all the time. I'm 100 days today and still feeling strong, just irritated by the constant contact with drinkers I have to have.My best friend and I have drifted apart a bit too. She's a very heavy drinker - as are all my friends - and she told me our friendship has changed a lot since I got sober. We used to hang out at my pool in the summer, glugging wine. I've still invited her over, but she hasn't come, preferring to go to another mutual friend's house who is also a heavy drinker. I haven't been invited to those get togethers, and it hurts. There have been several gatherings where I haven't been invited - and I would have been first on the list before quitting - and I have to be honest, it really has upset me, and made me question whether I'm no 'fun' any more. Maybe just not that sort of drunken silly fun any more and people don't like it? I don't know, I'm still processing my feelings about this.
I guess I'm still finding out who 'I' am. I like it, and and I'm not prepared to compromise my sobriety by drinking to fit back in. I definitely think when you become sober, you bring to attention other's drinking habits..and a lot of people become self conscious about their own consumption. I've never judged them about it, so it's been quite an eye opener.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by SDSurfn 
I recently ended a 10 year friendship. I simply decided I could not have an all day every day drinker in my life.
Difficult? Yes. But this is Life or Death stuff for me here, and I choose Life.
For me, getting and staying sober required major changes in my life.
Change can be uncomfortable at first. But my life had descended into chaos and insanity as a result of drinking.
I have learned that sometimes we need to let go of people in our lives in order to get better.
You're not alone in this.
-SD
Difficult? Yes. But this is Life or Death stuff for me here, and I choose Life.
For me, getting and staying sober required major changes in my life.
Change can be uncomfortable at first. But my life had descended into chaos and insanity as a result of drinking.
I have learned that sometimes we need to let go of people in our lives in order to get better.
You're not alone in this.
-SD
To TenYearsGone: I'm sorry to hear that you're in a situation similar to the one I just described, though the roles are reversed and the drinker is the one initiating the distance. Maybe she will not just 'want' to quit, but act on her desire to do so and not sacrifice yours and her friendship for drinking.
TenYearsGone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by newwings
You sure aren't alone. My husband is also a nightly drinker (and weed smoker). I don't think we've ever been so far apart in terms of life goals. It really saddens me He offered me some pot last night, and he knows I've never been that into it. I had to answer, 'no thanks. I'm completely clean and sober, and I like it that way". Hard though, when it's someone in your home...I feel like I can never get away from drinking - it's around me all the time. I'm 100 days today and still feeling strong, just irritated by the constant contact with drinkers I have to have.
My best friend and I have drifted apart a bit too. She's a very heavy drinker - as are all my friends - and she told me our friendship has changed a lot since I got sober. We used to hang out at my pool in the summer, glugging wine. I've still invited her over, but she hasn't come, preferring to go to another mutual friend's house who is also a heavy drinker. I haven't been invited to those get togethers, and it hurts. There have been several gatherings where I haven't been invited - and I would have been first on the list before quitting - and I have to be honest, it really has upset me, and made me question whether I'm no 'fun' any more. Maybe just not that sort of drunken silly fun any more and people don't like it? I don't know, I'm still processing my feelings about this.
I guess I'm still finding out who 'I' am. I like it, and and I'm not prepared to compromise my sobriety by drinking to fit back in. I definitely think when you become sober, you bring to attention other's drinking habits..and a lot of people become self conscious about their own consumption. I've never judged them about it, so it's been quite an eye opener.
He offered me some pot last night, and he knows I've never been that into it. I had to answer, 'no thanks. I'm completely clean and sober, and I like it that way". Hard though, when it's someone in your home...I feel like I can never get away from drinking - it's around me all the time. I'm 100 days today and still feeling strong, just irritated by the constant contact with drinkers I have to have.My best friend and I have drifted apart a bit too. She's a very heavy drinker - as are all my friends - and she told me our friendship has changed a lot since I got sober. We used to hang out at my pool in the summer, glugging wine. I've still invited her over, but she hasn't come, preferring to go to another mutual friend's house who is also a heavy drinker. I haven't been invited to those get togethers, and it hurts. There have been several gatherings where I haven't been invited - and I would have been first on the list before quitting - and I have to be honest, it really has upset me, and made me question whether I'm no 'fun' any more. Maybe just not that sort of drunken silly fun any more and people don't like it? I don't know, I'm still processing my feelings about this.
I guess I'm still finding out who 'I' am. I like it, and and I'm not prepared to compromise my sobriety by drinking to fit back in. I definitely think when you become sober, you bring to attention other's drinking habits..and a lot of people become self conscious about their own consumption. I've never judged them about it, so it's been quite an eye opener.
Feel like I am finding out who I am, too. A lot is changing in my life with a recent diagnosis of hypothyroidism & the medication now working & me feeling better than I ever have. That coupled with sobriety, I am on a really different path than anyone I know here.
My friends are still inviting me around, but I have to say no if it's all around drinking, & most of it is. It is hurtful to feel like I'm going to be considered a "drag" or "no fun" now that I'm sober. That said, I can't deny that I feel far more intelligent, interesting & creative in these past few weeks than I felt for a long time.
I understand how you must feel about them not asking you over anymore...typically I would be the center of the party & now I am relegating myself to the outside, too. But really, I just don't think being at their drinking parties would be fun for me. I think it would aggravate me, make me angry at them even. Not fun to be the only sober girl in sight.
TenYearsGone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by SDSurfn
I recently ended a 10 year friendship. I simply decided I could not have an all day every day drinker in my life.
Difficult? Yes. But this is Life or Death stuff for me here, and I choose Life.
For me, getting and staying sober required major changes in my life.
Change can be uncomfortable at first. But my life had descended into chaos and insanity as a result of drinking.
I have learned that sometimes we need to let go of people in our lives in order to get better.
You're not alone in this.
-SD
Difficult? Yes. But this is Life or Death stuff for me here, and I choose Life.
For me, getting and staying sober required major changes in my life.
Change can be uncomfortable at first. But my life had descended into chaos and insanity as a result of drinking.
I have learned that sometimes we need to let go of people in our lives in order to get better.
You're not alone in this.
-SD
TenYearsGone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by WiggleIn
I am in the same boat. Even my husband drinks every night. It is hard, especially when some of them (friends/family) don't get it and ask why you can't just pace yourself when drinking. I think I am going to have to stay in this weekend too. I guess you could say we have sober friends here at SR! I know I will be around here this weekend.
But in real life we need friends too.... I hope she comes around. I bet she does, and misses you.
I think I am actually going to venture out and join a group or a class and try to make some new friends that don't seem to think drinking is the only way to spend your weekend..... Hopefully some of my old ones will see me as an example, but I would never ask that of them - though I wish I could so badly! Just not how it works though.
I know I will be around here this weekend.But in real life we need friends too.... I hope she comes around. I bet she does, and misses you.
I think I am actually going to venture out and join a group or a class and try to make some new friends that don't seem to think drinking is the only way to spend your weekend..... Hopefully some of my old ones will see me as an example, but I would never ask that of them - though I wish I could so badly! Just not how it works though.
I am sure thankful for this site, it is really helpful to have you good people to talk to about this stuff. Sorry that your husband is still drinking, I am sure that makes it harder but it sounds like you are really doing great!!I, too, hope that my example will be a light for some of my friends - there are 2 in particular I hope my sobriety will wear off on, but who knows. They aren't ready yet, or they would be getting sober, too. I would never ask them to change for me, either. No point, all change has to come from within.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
I am sorry your friend is avoiding you. She may indeed be looking at herself in your mirror. And my situation is reversed from yours; I am a sober friend of an RA who I haven't heard from during his early recovery. We were not regular drinking buddies, so I don’t believe that is the reason. He knows that I support him, and I have learned from the wise people here at SR 
that I have to be patient and let him work on his sobriety until he feels he is ready to resume contact. But I do miss him.
Relationships are tough for both sides. Good luck to you with your sobriety!!
that I have to be patient and let him work on his sobriety until he feels he is ready to resume contact. But I do miss him. Relationships are tough for both sides. Good luck to you with your sobriety!!
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
I went through something similar last time I made a stab at quitting. I lasted for 2 months and fell off the wagon. One of my best friends was happy that I was "back". She's also a heavy drinker and I think it did make her uncomfortable that I had stopped. I don't think I'm especially more fun while I'm drinking lol more like repetitive and boring, although maybe fun at beginning of the night 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 89
Yeah, some friendships are an unfortunate casualty of getting sober. There is a group of women I used to get trashed with twice a week and I actually broke the friendship off before I got sober, but I see the one girl's pictures & posts on Facebook - always a glass of something in hand, overly affectionate drunk messages, etc. It's really weird to see them with new eyes and realize that they are all raging alcoholics. When I first started hanging out with them, I felt like, "wow, these girls are all so cool, it's party 24/7, I love hanging out with them!" Now I look at them and it's just pathetic.
I used to be really into karaoke (my dad had a bar that closed and now he just DJ's at someone else's new bar.) I constantly get invites to the new place from old drinking acquaintances -by text, on Facebook, when I run into them in real life, etc. I've used several excuses but none of those people know I quit drinking. I wouldn't dream of trying to go out to a bar in this stage of my recovery, even for the karaoke, because these old drinking acquaintances are the kind that bully you into doing shots and I don't think they would take my sobriety seriously, or they would just be like, "You're a buzzkill." Well, maybe I am a buzzkill, but it was a buzz that got me into this mess, so I don't feel particularly bad about killing it! LOL!
My best friend pulled away from me slightly when I got sober, or so I thought. She and I used to polish off wine bottles together, hit the Mexican restaurant at happy hour for cheap margaritas, and just get happily trashed. I had a lot of fun with her doing that, and almost all of our outings involved alcohol. She got kind of distant and hard to contact after I got sober, and I thought it was because of me, but she had stuff going on with her boyfriend. Things are better now and we've hung out several times since then. She totally respects my sobriety and even offered at the start to not drink in front of me, but I assured her that I didn't expect that. My husband still drinks a moderate amount. The difference with being around her and my husband (and her boyfriend) while they are drinking and then being around the karaoke crowd is that like I said, the karaoke crowd are bullies and would nag me for sure. Just being around my husband and her & her boyfriend doesn't feel threatening. I always have that initial "Aw, just pour me a glass too" feeling at the beginning of the evening, but I ride it out and once they are past their first glasses, I realize that I'm having a good time too, without alcohol, and that I don't need a drink to have a good time or be a good friend. I also know that any of the three of them would refuse to give me something even if I asked because they know that I have to stay sober. It's actually a good thing, because we always have a DD now when we go out, before one of the guys would cut back towards the end of the evening so they could be the one to drive home.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that getting sober will really sort out your friends fast. The ones that aren't real friends, and the ones that are. Real friends will want to be your friend without alcohol. Yes, a newly sober friend is a jarring thing to someone who's still in denial about their own alcohol abuse, which is why they might push you away or try to get you drinking again. Stay strong and know that staying sober is more important than anything else. Sobriety is the best friend there is!
I used to be really into karaoke (my dad had a bar that closed and now he just DJ's at someone else's new bar.) I constantly get invites to the new place from old drinking acquaintances -by text, on Facebook, when I run into them in real life, etc. I've used several excuses but none of those people know I quit drinking. I wouldn't dream of trying to go out to a bar in this stage of my recovery, even for the karaoke, because these old drinking acquaintances are the kind that bully you into doing shots and I don't think they would take my sobriety seriously, or they would just be like, "You're a buzzkill." Well, maybe I am a buzzkill, but it was a buzz that got me into this mess, so I don't feel particularly bad about killing it! LOL!
My best friend pulled away from me slightly when I got sober, or so I thought. She and I used to polish off wine bottles together, hit the Mexican restaurant at happy hour for cheap margaritas, and just get happily trashed. I had a lot of fun with her doing that, and almost all of our outings involved alcohol. She got kind of distant and hard to contact after I got sober, and I thought it was because of me, but she had stuff going on with her boyfriend. Things are better now and we've hung out several times since then. She totally respects my sobriety and even offered at the start to not drink in front of me, but I assured her that I didn't expect that. My husband still drinks a moderate amount. The difference with being around her and my husband (and her boyfriend) while they are drinking and then being around the karaoke crowd is that like I said, the karaoke crowd are bullies and would nag me for sure. Just being around my husband and her & her boyfriend doesn't feel threatening. I always have that initial "Aw, just pour me a glass too" feeling at the beginning of the evening, but I ride it out and once they are past their first glasses, I realize that I'm having a good time too, without alcohol, and that I don't need a drink to have a good time or be a good friend. I also know that any of the three of them would refuse to give me something even if I asked because they know that I have to stay sober. It's actually a good thing, because we always have a DD now when we go out, before one of the guys would cut back towards the end of the evening so they could be the one to drive home.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that getting sober will really sort out your friends fast. The ones that aren't real friends, and the ones that are. Real friends will want to be your friend without alcohol. Yes, a newly sober friend is a jarring thing to someone who's still in denial about their own alcohol abuse, which is why they might push you away or try to get you drinking again. Stay strong and know that staying sober is more important than anything else. Sobriety is the best friend there is!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
Originally Posted by yogaisland
I guess what I'm trying to say is that getting sober will really sort out your friends fast. The ones that aren't real friends, and the ones that are. Real friends will want to be your friend without alcohol. Yes, a newly sober friend is a jarring thing to someone who's still in denial about their own alcohol abuse, which is why they might push you away or try to get you drinking again. Stay strong and know that staying sober is more important than anything else. Sobriety is the best friend there is!
Good work on your 2 weeks sober 10yearsgone
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Merritt Island, Fl
Posts: 1,164
Originally Posted by TenYearsGone
I don't want to talk to someone who's wasted right now as I am getting clean...it's just too frustrating & annoying.
Guest
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
Originally Posted by newwings
You sure aren't alone. My husband is also a nightly drinker (and weed smoker). I don't think we've ever been so far apart in terms of life goals. It really saddens me He offered me some pot last night, and he knows I've never been that into it. I had to answer, 'no thanks. I'm completely clean and sober, and I like it that way". Hard though, when it's someone in your home...I feel like I can never get away from drinking - it's around me all the time. I'm 100 days today and still feeling strong, just irritated by the constant contact with drinkers I have to have.
My best friend and I have drifted apart a bit too. She's a very heavy drinker - as are all my friends - and she told me our friendship has changed a lot since I got sober. We used to hang out at my pool in the summer, glugging wine. I've still invited her over, but she hasn't come, preferring to go to another mutual friend's house who is also a heavy drinker. I haven't been invited to those get togethers, and it hurts. There have been several gatherings where I haven't been invited - and I would have been first on the list before quitting - and I have to be honest, it really has upset me, and made me question whether I'm no 'fun' any more. Maybe just not that sort of drunken silly fun any more and people don't like it? I don't know, I'm still processing my feelings about this.
I guess I'm still finding out who 'I' am. I like it, and and I'm not prepared to compromise my sobriety by drinking to fit back in. I definitely think when you become sober, you bring to attention other's drinking habits..and a lot of people become self conscious about their own consumption. I've never judged them about it, so it's been quite an eye opener.
He offered me some pot last night, and he knows I've never been that into it. I had to answer, 'no thanks. I'm completely clean and sober, and I like it that way". Hard though, when it's someone in your home...I feel like I can never get away from drinking - it's around me all the time. I'm 100 days today and still feeling strong, just irritated by the constant contact with drinkers I have to have.My best friend and I have drifted apart a bit too. She's a very heavy drinker - as are all my friends - and she told me our friendship has changed a lot since I got sober. We used to hang out at my pool in the summer, glugging wine. I've still invited her over, but she hasn't come, preferring to go to another mutual friend's house who is also a heavy drinker. I haven't been invited to those get togethers, and it hurts. There have been several gatherings where I haven't been invited - and I would have been first on the list before quitting - and I have to be honest, it really has upset me, and made me question whether I'm no 'fun' any more. Maybe just not that sort of drunken silly fun any more and people don't like it? I don't know, I'm still processing my feelings about this.
I guess I'm still finding out who 'I' am. I like it, and and I'm not prepared to compromise my sobriety by drinking to fit back in. I definitely think when you become sober, you bring to attention other's drinking habits..and a lot of people become self conscious about their own consumption. I've never judged them about it, so it's been quite an eye opener.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Thanks, Ip. I won't say it's been an easy journey, but since I decided to quit this final time, I feel deep inside that I was DONE with it - no matter what goes on around me - and it's stayed that way. I hadn't always felt that way. The first time I quit (end of 2010) it was very hard, and I always felt like I was denying myself a drink. I felt very bitter, anxious about my sobriety and very vulnerable..like I was teetering on the edge of relapse every single moment of every single day. I lasted about a month, and the relapse felt inevitable.
This time I feel resolute. I'm done with it, finished. It's something I used to do, and I don't do any more. It feel worlds apart from last time...just something I carry with me. A total freedom. When I think about drinking, it's not with lust..it's with disgust.
I don't know the key to this, I can't explain the secret of it..it's just there. I wish I could. Maybe it's one of those moments in a sobriety journey where it just clicks and just IS. I believe I was saved from death (by drinking) for a reason, and it just lodged there, and became an intrinsic part of me. God knows it was time.
Thanks for the compliment!!! x
This time I feel resolute. I'm done with it, finished. It's something I used to do, and I don't do any more. It feel worlds apart from last time...just something I carry with me. A total freedom. When I think about drinking, it's not with lust..it's with disgust.
I don't know the key to this, I can't explain the secret of it..it's just there. I wish I could. Maybe it's one of those moments in a sobriety journey where it just clicks and just IS. I believe I was saved from death (by drinking) for a reason, and it just lodged there, and became an intrinsic part of me. God knows it was time.
Thanks for the compliment!!! x
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
