Ellen36

I stopped drinking a week ago. I felt very "gung-ho" about it at first...you know, very determined. Now, my determination is fading. I am starting to rationalize my problem: do I really have a problem, what is so bad about picking up one bottle of vodka after work, I'll just have a little (yeah, right), my heart starts pounding and I feel panicky. I know I have a problem, but I think about the strain I'm putting my family through now that I am no longer drinking. I know they suffered before, but I honestly think I'm a bigger pain than I was!

I feel crabby, want to cry and scream at the same time, can't sleep well, etc. If I drink tonight I'll feel mellow, happier, be nicer to my kids and husband.

Dee74

I think most of us have second guessed ourselves after some sobriety Ellen...

but SR really helped me...when I began to think 'was it that bad' I could look back at what I'd written, or what others had written, and think 'yes I was that bad'

It's normal to feel cranky irritable and uncomfortable too - but it gets better, at least it did for me

This sobriety thing isn't always easy but it is so very worth it - & you'll find a lot of support here - welcome!

D

newwings

If you drink tonight, Ellen, you'll absolutely kick yourself tomorrow. Then you will repeat it again..and again..and again. The first week is HELL (at least, it was for me). I was expecting to feel amazing, reborn, sparkly eyed and bouncing with energy. In fact, I was tired, queasy, not sleeping, headachy, sweaty, off my food and grumpy. At first, I wondered what on earth I was doing this for - like you are right now. It took a lot of reading and posting on SR for me to solidify what exactly was to be gained by pushing forward with it. My body was detoxing, my mind was trying to reset, and my emotions were all over the place. What I didn't know was it was NORMAL. What you are feeling and going through, is NORMAL.

Those things passed. I don't know exactly when, or how, but it did. After that first week, came the next, and the next, and then a week after that. Each week improved for me - albeit by small increments - until now I have hit one day short of three months.

Please, please, don't drink tonight. Yes, you might find you feel happier, mellower and be nicer to your family. But tomorrow morning, you WON'T. You will feel self disgust, shame and disappointment, and you will start that sorry cycle all over again. I know..because I did it for a very, very long time.

SR is here to for you for exactly those moments, when you are wavering and wondering if it's all worth it in the end. Please, keep posting, talking these feelings through, and come back time and time again. We are all here for you, having been there (and some of us still are there). I know it feels a lonely business, but as long as you keep trying, there is hope.

All the best.

artsoul

I totally agree with Dee and newwings..... It takes a while for sobriety to become the new "normal." It's quite bumpy at first (insomnia, irritability, mood swings, lack of energy). But each day you don't drink, you're busy healing.

I found that I needed daily reminders that I was an alcoholic and needed to stay sober. It's like the brain fog just kept taking me back to the old ways of thinking. This forum really helped me stay motivated.

Congratulations on your week, by the way, and welcome to SR.....

Opivotal

lol I agree with Dee, Newwings, and artsoul. Can't really think of anything to add. Congratulations on your week. Keep up the good work. It can only get better moving forward. Drinking never helped me in the long run.



Best Wishes To You!

michelle01

It's not easy especially at first. I still have moments when I think that a drink is going to make things easier/better. I dismiss it as I know that is dishonest. Drinking causes immeasurable suffering to those who care about the alcoholic. Be patient and forgiving with yourself for not feeling 100%, take things as easy as you can day to day, you will start managing things better as time goes on. Often it's a process of relearning how to do the day to day stuff, was for me.

Ellen36

I bought vodka after work--I guess most of me was already at the store in my mind when I posted yesterday. I drank half the bottle. And all of you were so right. I feel disgusting today. Terrible headache, major guilt, trying to shove myself along through the day. Totally not worth it.

I poured the rest of it out this morning. It's so easy to do when I am dealing with a hangover. I can't think how much alcohol I have poured out down the kitchen sink, with the resolve that I am "really going to stop this time." I am so sick of the cycle. My husband is sick of it, too. He admitted he feels depressed because of it. I really hate myself for that. I'm glad he told me--if I can just remember that when I am fighting with myself to drink or not drink.

I didn't read these posts until today. I guess I didn't know if anyone would read what I wrote anyway. I was so touched at people's concern---random strangers who understand and want to encourage. This is an amazing site. It gives me a little hope. Thank you everyone for your thoughtful words. It will help me to read the next time I feel the urge.

Back on track. I won't let last night continue. I have to beat this thing. I am realizing what a hold alcohol has on me and it is scary. I want to be stronger than it is....I hate how much power it has.

Again...I am grateful for this site and will be on here as often as I can. It is a relief to see that others can relate to what I am going through!

SDSurfn

You are definitely not alone Ellen. We know how difficult this is. Good job on pouring the rest out.

I had my last Day 1 last week (Day 9 today). When I got home from work, I had a full bottle. I walked right into the kitchen, opened it, and the whole damn thing went down the drain.

One thing I've learned from those on this site with lots of sober time is that we need to take action to take control of our own recovery.

We can read here, and post, and those are good things. But for me, action is required.

We must be in control of our own recovery and we must have a plan of action to keep us working our recovery program.

I'm hoping the action I'm taking will make the difference for me this time.

Maybe it can make a difference for you too?

All the best,

-SD

Bikeguy

Sorry to hear about last night, but coming right back here, being honest and also pouring out the rest of the booze says something. Learn from your mistakes, try to identify your triggers and start over. You never have to have another hang over again, you can do this!

recoverywfaith

Good suggestions here...don't give up...you are worth it.

ttqttfg

I gets better, it really does. Stick with it. You can do it.

Dee74

Many of us had a few false starts Ellen - just pick yourself up and start again
Have you got a plan?

D

newwings

Ellen, sorry to hear about last night. But the first few steps have been made - admitting there's a problem, coming here to post your thoughts, and then coming back on here again and being honest. Three great moves towards your goal.

Never give up, okay? Sometimes it clicks first time, for others it takes longer. For me, it took YEARS of lying awake at night, knowing I had to do something. Waking with that feeling of disgust at myself, and thinking I'd give it a go later. Come six pm, it would all go out the window, and I'd be clutching at that glass of white wine like I would drown without it. I had two stabs at sobriety, but the difference between the first and second were huge. You'll know when it's right.

It's a very scary time, that period between knowing, and quitting. You feel very alone. I did, anyhow. That's when I found SR, and I didn't register and ask for support until I'd made that decision to quit permanently. I wish I had done so long before that!! Please stay and continue to ask for support and help.

Best wishes!

sobermax

Hi Ellen, welcome.

'That little voice'!

Three weeks ago, I was being ambulanced off the motorway as my sobbing wife looked on in terror. That little voice was back the same day.

'It' isn't 'me' - it will kill me given the chance. Don't listen to it.

ajangel

Don't give up. I had 60 days and relapsed. I am back at day 8. I'm not going to give up.

Ellen36

It has felt like I am alone with this. The relief of opening up on this site is unbelievable. And reading everyone's stories also helps so much. I haven't confided in anyone except my husband (not that he couldn't see it for himself.)

I have tried to stop drinking several times before and it hasn't lasted. I think I get too confident....thinking that I can be a "normal" person and have a glass of wine with friends. Next thing I know I'm drinking 1 or 2 bottles every night. I am realizing I am unable to be a normal one-glass type person. The thought of stopping forever makes me panicky---that is not a healthy view of alcohol.

Dee74---you mentioned a plan. Do you mean a plan for handling cravings? I guess trying to be determined and grit my teeth isn't enough huh? Guess I really need a plan.

Dee74

A plan for staying sober yeah - gritting my teeth and clenching my fists never really got me too far either....

Posting here is a great start tho

D

ceneri

Welcome, Ellen. I agree with others, a plan helps. Maybe start with small goals, commitments, alternatives to drinking. You may consider an appt with your doctor helpful, too.
Keep reading, keep posting. Glad your with us.
-peace