And a Temper too
Englishrose70
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 190
Mike does your wife like to be in control, does she wear the trousers - generally?
If so you drinking keeps her in control, on all sorts of levels, morally and physiologically probably in her mind. I dont know I am just guessing.
With you giving up it might in some way be threatening what she regards as her status in your relationship. If you are lucid and sober maybe you will want to take control of a few more things? Do things differently etc....? These may be the irrational thoughts going through her head, so she is being petulant with you so that you feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty about. Perhaps she enjoys being the one that is always seen be be savng or rescuing you? If you are sober you wont need rescuing?
Just thoughts Mike.
Ask her what she thinks about you quitting? Tell her why you have come to this conclusion on your own. Write it down. Thats what I did and then I sat my husband down and read it all to him. Luckily he is very supportive.
Whatever is griping your wife right now, sobriety is still the best option for you and for your marriage long term, in time she will come round but I think you guys need some honest communication.
Keep with us, loads of support here. I am on Day 7 so I am a newby to this Mike and can relate to all you say. Oh how brilliant we are at giving advice eh? lol
If so you drinking keeps her in control, on all sorts of levels, morally and physiologically probably in her mind. I dont know I am just guessing.
With you giving up it might in some way be threatening what she regards as her status in your relationship. If you are lucid and sober maybe you will want to take control of a few more things? Do things differently etc....? These may be the irrational thoughts going through her head, so she is being petulant with you so that you feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty about. Perhaps she enjoys being the one that is always seen be be savng or rescuing you? If you are sober you wont need rescuing?
Just thoughts Mike.
Ask her what she thinks about you quitting? Tell her why you have come to this conclusion on your own. Write it down. Thats what I did and then I sat my husband down and read it all to him. Luckily he is very supportive.
Whatever is griping your wife right now, sobriety is still the best option for you and for your marriage long term, in time she will come round but I think you guys need some honest communication.
Keep with us, loads of support here. I am on Day 7 so I am a newby to this Mike and can relate to all you say. Oh how brilliant we are at giving advice eh? lol
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Yes, it seems likely that your body is very angry that you've cut off its alcohol supply. As your chemistry changes and things turn around, the anger will probably start to subside. You will begin to feel more comfortable. Also, as your wife says, alcohol seemed to numb your emotions and make you blurry enough so you would not become angry. You'd just retreat into your buzz. Now that you don't have the booze you have to stand there and cope with how you feel. This is very tough at first. But I'll say this. As the years have passed I've noticed a bunch of situations where I used to blow my top and now it seems as if, at least some of the time, I can cope more rationally. I really like to be able to do this.
The foregoing was written before I realized that right now you're in a crisis mode, what with all that's going on between you and your wife. There seems to be a power struggle going on. Why not call for time out, an armistice and each go back in his or her own corner of the ring for awhile. You perhaps to watch TV? Anything but "down town" for a beer! Stand fast and fight the urge to do that. You can do it! Do it for yourself, not for your wife, just for yourself for once.Give yourself a break and hang in there. It's not just important, right now it's "the only thing!" We're all here rooting for you!
W.
The foregoing was written before I realized that right now you're in a crisis mode, what with all that's going on between you and your wife. There seems to be a power struggle going on. Why not call for time out, an armistice and each go back in his or her own corner of the ring for awhile. You perhaps to watch TV? Anything but "down town" for a beer! Stand fast and fight the urge to do that. You can do it! Do it for yourself, not for your wife, just for yourself for once.Give yourself a break and hang in there. It's not just important, right now it's "the only thing!" We're all here rooting for you!
W.
Last edited by wpainterw; 07-17-2011 at 11:32 AM. Reason: Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: valleyview alberta
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by SASA 
well as a woman I can tell you, sometimes I really would like to get a compliment on how good the food I cook is, some recognition. I always forget that men want to hear the same and feel needed. I always take their help for granted.
And if my man is changing something, I want to be involved and I always fear he will change me too, so maybe just tell her how much you still love to be with her and that nothing you do will change that. Just some reassurance for her will get her to support you
And if my man is changing something, I want to be involved and I always fear he will change me too, so maybe just tell her how much you still love to be with her and that nothing you do will change that. Just some reassurance for her will get her to support you
Yes, she ussually pays the bills, cook, clean, etc... Yesterday she mowed the lawn. This morning I went out and weed wacked what the mower couldn't get, I cleaned out our car and cleaned up some old lumber chunks and garbage from the side of the trailer. She came out and gave me **** for wipping the bark on the trees. I checked them and they barely had marks. I know I should talk to her but I am scared to. I don't think I have control enough over my emotions. I wish we had a mutual friend I could talk with but her friends and my friends are mutually exclusive.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I think it's as hard on our loved ones as it is on us when we quit - we at least understand why we're erratic, like a bear with a sore head, and a rollercoaster of emotions...even when we try to explain, they may not get it....
D
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Yes, I recall many years ago when I had just been discharged from the hospital and my wife and I had lunch together. I brought up the idea that, due to my intention to give up drinking entirely we might have to rethink our relationship a little bit. What I meant was that for years and years she had tolerated my drinking, while disproving it, but had taken kind care of me. I said that in the future I would try to be a little stronger and not so dependent, that hopefully I would become an adult like her and that for once she would be married to an adult instead of having to take care of a child.
It completely baffled me why this upset her so much. Were the counselors right in saying that she was an "enabler", that she really viewed it as her role to take care of me and that, if I "grew up" she would have a harder time "taking care" of an "adult". I didn't really get into recovery for seven more years after that. Now, 30 years later, she has managed to adjust to my sobriety and I think that on the whole we have been very happy.
W.
It completely baffled me why this upset her so much. Were the counselors right in saying that she was an "enabler", that she really viewed it as her role to take care of me and that, if I "grew up" she would have a harder time "taking care" of an "adult". I didn't really get into recovery for seven more years after that. Now, 30 years later, she has managed to adjust to my sobriety and I think that on the whole we have been very happy.
W.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Old 07-16-2011, 09:41 PM
Old 07-16-2011, 10:33 PM
07-16-2011, 11:17 PM
Mike.....I just wanted you to re-see what you posted. Remember all that resolve you had at 9:40? In less than an hour, it was all out the window and you were ready to head out to re-load.
I'm not chastising you nor am I criticizing you. I just wanted to point it out - that you may be an alcoholic and, if so, all the resolve in the world will not be enough to GET or KEEP you sober for very long (and there's a whoooole lot more to sobriety and recovery than just "not drinking").
Before I got into recovery and recovered......I had all sorts of "issues" at home that seemed to be just crazy, but, mostly "her" fault. Work was fine......but there seemed to be a lot of craziness there, mostly with all the jerks I worked with. Life was fine, but there seemed to be a lot of silly junk that, for some unlucky reason, kept getting churned up. The point I'm making is that really.......EVERYTHING was messed up....it all seemed to be "their" fault (and Lord knows, I had a dozen explanations for all that craziness - enough to "proooove" it wasn't my fault anyway), yet the one common denominator was ME. I don't think my ego would let me see that at the time......
Some of the symptoms of untreated alcoholism are : irritability, restlessness and dis-contentedness...... and the inability to control our emotional natures. And that's how a real alcoholic feels when they're NOT drinking (and no, you don't have to feel that way 100% of the time yer not drinking.....
).
Most of us, if not all of us, had problems at home, with family, with work, with friends and neighbors and so on. Financial problems are also very common........as are sexual issues.
Some big questions to consider are:
When you start drinking, do you usually crave more........even if you intended to only have a couple? If yes, that phenomenon NEVER occurs in the average or moderate drinker.
When you set your mind to stopping.......when you muster up all your willpower....... are you able to stick to the plan or does something usually "come up" and you end up drinking again? Given a sufficient reason, the non-alcoholic is able to set their mind to stopping........and stop. Period. For the alkie, that same decision is temporary at best.
When you do manage to put some dry time together.......how's life? Is it getting better, worse or staying the same (which, I'll assume, isn't quite so hot)? If DRINKING is your problem, then "not drinking" is your answer. If alcoholism is your problem, "not drinking" doesn't stop the pain, the trouble, or the suffering. Alcoholism is a 24/7 deal and it affects you strongest when you're NOT drinking........oddly enough, drinking is a treatment for alcoholism......it makes you feel better. It brings that relief you're looking for.
In recovery......in AA......we learn a whooooooooole different way of life. One that works.....100% guaranteed too by the way.......IF you're willing to follow some simple (but not easy) steps. The payoff? A happy life, freedom from depression, true happiness, serenity, peace, being at ease with your wife, family, friends, co-workers, etc...... a whole new life, basically. Give it some consideration.......and maybe even give it a shot.
Getting sober doesn't have to be as tough as it's been for you.....if you don't want it to be.......and you're willing to try something different.
Originally Posted by 40creek
I just want to thank you all for your support.
I have been tempted today several---no all day to give up but I so want to get rid of this demon.
I am the one who wants to quit and I don't want to fail this time.
If i was rich I wou8ld go to one of those detox vacation resorts
I swear, "if" I get through this, I will never look back. I will never be tempted to give it another try. Amen
I have been tempted today several---no all day to give up but I so want to get rid of this demon.
I am the one who wants to quit and I don't want to fail this time.
If i was rich I wou8ld go to one of those detox vacation resorts
I swear, "if" I get through this, I will never look back. I will never be tempted to give it another try. Amen
Originally Posted by 40creek
I'm afraid I may give up this idea of quitting. Seriously.
As weird as this sounds, my family does not support this
As weird as this sounds, my family does not support this
Originally Posted by 40creek
I hvnt gone yet. I'm just sitting here crying. My wife is banging dishes around in the kitchen now. I was going to get some beer but I never left.
I'm not chastising you nor am I criticizing you. I just wanted to point it out - that you may be an alcoholic and, if so, all the resolve in the world will not be enough to GET or KEEP you sober for very long (and there's a whoooole lot more to sobriety and recovery than just "not drinking").
Before I got into recovery and recovered......I had all sorts of "issues" at home that seemed to be just crazy, but, mostly "her" fault. Work was fine......but there seemed to be a lot of craziness there, mostly with all the jerks I worked with. Life was fine, but there seemed to be a lot of silly junk that, for some unlucky reason, kept getting churned up. The point I'm making is that really.......EVERYTHING was messed up....it all seemed to be "their" fault (and Lord knows, I had a dozen explanations for all that craziness - enough to "proooove" it wasn't my fault anyway), yet the one common denominator was ME. I don't think my ego would let me see that at the time......
Some of the symptoms of untreated alcoholism are : irritability, restlessness and dis-contentedness...... and the inability to control our emotional natures. And that's how a real alcoholic feels when they're NOT drinking (and no, you don't have to feel that way 100% of the time yer not drinking.....
).Most of us, if not all of us, had problems at home, with family, with work, with friends and neighbors and so on. Financial problems are also very common........as are sexual issues.
Some big questions to consider are:
When you start drinking, do you usually crave more........even if you intended to only have a couple? If yes, that phenomenon NEVER occurs in the average or moderate drinker.
When you set your mind to stopping.......when you muster up all your willpower....... are you able to stick to the plan or does something usually "come up" and you end up drinking again? Given a sufficient reason, the non-alcoholic is able to set their mind to stopping........and stop. Period. For the alkie, that same decision is temporary at best.
When you do manage to put some dry time together.......how's life? Is it getting better, worse or staying the same (which, I'll assume, isn't quite so hot)? If DRINKING is your problem, then "not drinking" is your answer. If alcoholism is your problem, "not drinking" doesn't stop the pain, the trouble, or the suffering. Alcoholism is a 24/7 deal and it affects you strongest when you're NOT drinking........oddly enough, drinking is a treatment for alcoholism......it makes you feel better. It brings that relief you're looking for.
In recovery......in AA......we learn a whooooooooole different way of life. One that works.....100% guaranteed too by the way.......IF you're willing to follow some simple (but not easy) steps. The payoff? A happy life, freedom from depression, true happiness, serenity, peace, being at ease with your wife, family, friends, co-workers, etc...... a whole new life, basically. Give it some consideration.......and maybe even give it a shot.
Getting sober doesn't have to be as tough as it's been for you.....if you don't want it to be.......and you're willing to try something different.
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