Missy7

So I did the first day of a two day riding clinic yesterday. It was hard but went well. I went home, made a regular dinner, went to bed at 9:30 to be ready in the morning.

I'm not gonna lie. Two beers sounded good after a day in the son on the horse--especially since the day ended with a real victory for me. But I've got at least enough wisdom to know that one is impossible, two is the threshold, but after that, no riding tomorrow. I simply stopped thinking about it.

At 3:00 I woke up with my stomach churning and proceeded to spend much of the night in the bathroom. Dammit. There was no way I would hop on and off the horse all day and use the porta-potty. TMI, I know.

So I had to call and tell someone I wasn't coming, and I'm afraid they will make the assumption that I was hungover--I have been before. I haven't discussed my alcoholism with these people at all, and I don't want to open it, but I'm very hurt and disappointed first that I didn't get to finish what I started, and that at least I completely associated it with my past behavior.

I'm so sad and ashamed, and I shouldn't be...but the behavior is ingrained now. Anytime I'm sick I just feel hungover.

Have others experienced this?
When will I stop associating EVERYTHING with drinking?

Dee74

I'm not sure how much sober time you have Missy but seriously it took me a few months - I did everything with a drink...it takes time to break those associations.

It takes a while to break the shame cycle too....you're sick...it's not your fault

I'm not sure that others will immediately jump to the conclusion that you're hungover...but if they do? so what?

They're wrong...

I was the town drunk 4 years ago. I'm actually an upright and well respected chap now.
As time goes on, and you stay sober? believe me people will only remember 'new' Missy

D

MycoolFitz

The point is YOU know it wasn't a hangover and it wasn't a hangover because of the action You took. Yes not drinking is an action. I sill feel guilt and shame (and then feel guilty and shameful for feeling guilt and shame) as residuals to past using behaviors. Kind of an alcoholic karma. But when I stop and gather my thoughts I realize they're just thoughts with no substance and trust that with no substance the guilt and shame will fade. Until then all I can do is all I can do. You did all you can do.

Missy7

thanks Dee. I have over three weeks sober and generally feel good. I think I've made some real changes and I'm very excited about it.

I lost $100 on this stupid stomach bug and some of my credibility.

Maybe I'm being defensive.

silly

You'd be surprised... Others rarely focus on us for long. Yes, they might have had the passing thought that you were hung over. But 30 minutes later they're back to thinking about themselves and their own lives again.

Concentrate on feeling better and try to give yourself a break today. Celebrate that at least now when you don't feel good, you KNOW it's from illness and not from the booze!

silly

Sorry, Dee! I meant to quote the original post!!!!!!

ACT10Npack

Sorry about that but at least it's just a stomach bug.

instant

Hi Missy
I am now day 59. It took about 7 weeks for the intense preoccupation to settle down (not to say that it is not manageable, or that life is unpleasant in that time). I have been thinking about it as the "thinking" aspects of acute withdrawal that persist far longer than the physical.

I have also come to the conclusion that in alcoholism, alcohol "steals" normal healthy associations of situations that we will not get back in a hurry.

I want to let you know that I also fund that "surrendering" in my battle with alcohol and imposing a daily routine to focus on gratitude has helped enormously. "Missing" alcohol has not been prominent with the focus of these strategies.

spqr

I used to have to take these kinds of calls as part of my job. Trust me, its really easy for the person on the other end of the line to distinguish a hungover person from somebody who's genuinely ill.

bratnik

Hi Missy - Sorry you aren't feeling well and hope things turn around.

The good thing is that you did what you had to do for your own well being. That is nothing to feel ashamed about.

I am learning, too - that we are the most hard on ourselves. I LOVE what SPQR said too!

Instead of feeling badly - feel PROUD for NOT having those beers and for signing up for the class and having 1 day of class mastered with a prepared dinner and a good bed time!! And for your 3 weeks sober and listening to your body and taking care of yourself. You have alot to be proud of - none of what you described deserves any shame.

*hugs*

SASA

Hi Missy, just take it as a reminder how worse you felt when you were drinking. I came down with a cold last week, was all stuffed up, headach etc. I actually was thankful since it reminded me how well I am doing without drinking. I had similar symptoms when I was drinking.