Newcomer to this community, not new to recovery....
Adut Child of an Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Durham, NC
Posts: 10
Newcomer to this community, not new to recovery....
Hello all! I was told by this website to come to this forum and introduce myself, so here I am. I am a 34 y/o female adult child of an alcoholic/addictive family. I have been through Alateen and Alanon and am now finding support in Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), which is a twelve-step program which serves adults who grew up in alcoholic and/or addictive or other dysfunctional family systems, whether you yourself are an alcoholic/addict or not. I found I related much better to the messages and community there than Alanon, which is a wonderful program as well but which I felt better served the spouses and partners of Alcoholics. Alanon encourages these people to accept responsibility for their role in the choice to become involved with an Alcoholic and/or any enabling they may be doing whether they know it or not, and rightly so for the folks this applies to. However, as a child, I did not CHOOSE to be a part of that family, and had I had a choice, I would have been out of there faster than greased lightning. As a child growing up in this type of home, you are affected in profound ways that may persist for your entire life. It is truly a family disease.
My father was the child of an alcoholic, and unknowingly, he went on to marry one. I myself was determined to NOT repeat this cycle, after seeing the wholesale destruction that went on and experiencing gut-wrenching emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Despite my determination, I still unconsciously repeat dysfunctional behaviors learned in childhood and still respond to my parents' behaviors with the feelings of a child. This automatic and unconscious regression to childhood emotional patterns and behaviors is a defining characteristic of adult children of alcoholic and dysfunctional homes. I am constantly trying to work on my own recovery as well as trying to figure out how to deal with my parents as they are now. My mother is still actively drinking and abusing, and she is killing herself. It is agony for me to watch this, and I am struggling with how best to deal with the situation. I have a chronic physical illness myself which worsens with stress, be it physical or psychological. I want more than anything to have a healthy emotional relationship with my mother, especially since she was not there for me as a child and my inner child is still heartbroken and desperate for mother's and father's love and acceptance.
My mother's illness is worse than it has ever been, and she has already been through rehab twice and failed. The statistics are not good for her to ever recover, and she has a habit of driving under the influence as well which only compounds the risks to her and to others on the road. At this point, she has developed alcoholic encephalopathy and her head and hands shake constantly, almost like she has Parkinsons. God only knows how badly damaged her liver and other internal organs are.
Though not a doctor myself, I have been to medical school and studied Forensic Pathology. I have participated in autopsies of people who were alcoholics and seen the failed or failing "fatty liver" damage with my own eyes. The liver is usually a healthy, smooth, firm reddish organ, but the livers of alcoholics take on the appearance of yellowish cottage cheese. I truly believe that if people could see for themselves what I have seen, it would wake them from their denial of the grievous bodily harm they are inflicting upon themselves with every drink. It breaks my heart.
I got on the computer at this wee hour after awakening from a vivid dream about myself and my mother. I have been wanting to confront her with the reality of what she is doing to herself and those who love her for some time, but it is an intimidating and perhaps futile task. Despite this, I will not be "ok" until I say something to her. I know the responsibility is hers, but I cannot stand by and do nothing. If she dies and I have held my tongue and by my silence condoned her behavior, I will never forgive myself. If she ignores my "wake-up call", that is her choice. She got sober for a while with the help and support of my father, but after he left her, she relapsed and her current partner is happy with the "status quo." He is also ignorant of her history and lives at her house for free, etc. The rest of the family want to do something but don't feel comfortable speaking out and have all said that if there is a chance for her, it lies with me. They have said that I am the only person who can elicit an emotional response from her. No pressure, eh? Yet I myself have been feeling that I need to talk to her about this for some time, and she continues to escalate. My father feels she is a lost cause and will have to hit rock bottom if she is to ever change, but he has not seen her and does not have the medical knowledge I have. I know that the next step for her, her "rock bottom" this time, may well be her death and/or the deaths of others. I will confront her with as much love and compassion as I can and then, depending on her response, I may have to let her go and cut ties with her, for I cannot watch her destroy herself like this. It is killing me inside and the tears I have shed would fill oceans. I have my own physical illness to deal with, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, which has disabled me. If you have read this far into this very long post, please wish me luck or say a prayer for my mother and I if you will. God knows we can both use all the help we can get! Feel free to message me if you like. Take care and be well- and best wishes for recovery and serenity for us all!
My father was the child of an alcoholic, and unknowingly, he went on to marry one. I myself was determined to NOT repeat this cycle, after seeing the wholesale destruction that went on and experiencing gut-wrenching emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Despite my determination, I still unconsciously repeat dysfunctional behaviors learned in childhood and still respond to my parents' behaviors with the feelings of a child. This automatic and unconscious regression to childhood emotional patterns and behaviors is a defining characteristic of adult children of alcoholic and dysfunctional homes. I am constantly trying to work on my own recovery as well as trying to figure out how to deal with my parents as they are now. My mother is still actively drinking and abusing, and she is killing herself. It is agony for me to watch this, and I am struggling with how best to deal with the situation. I have a chronic physical illness myself which worsens with stress, be it physical or psychological. I want more than anything to have a healthy emotional relationship with my mother, especially since she was not there for me as a child and my inner child is still heartbroken and desperate for mother's and father's love and acceptance.
My mother's illness is worse than it has ever been, and she has already been through rehab twice and failed. The statistics are not good for her to ever recover, and she has a habit of driving under the influence as well which only compounds the risks to her and to others on the road. At this point, she has developed alcoholic encephalopathy and her head and hands shake constantly, almost like she has Parkinsons. God only knows how badly damaged her liver and other internal organs are.
Though not a doctor myself, I have been to medical school and studied Forensic Pathology. I have participated in autopsies of people who were alcoholics and seen the failed or failing "fatty liver" damage with my own eyes. The liver is usually a healthy, smooth, firm reddish organ, but the livers of alcoholics take on the appearance of yellowish cottage cheese. I truly believe that if people could see for themselves what I have seen, it would wake them from their denial of the grievous bodily harm they are inflicting upon themselves with every drink. It breaks my heart.
I got on the computer at this wee hour after awakening from a vivid dream about myself and my mother. I have been wanting to confront her with the reality of what she is doing to herself and those who love her for some time, but it is an intimidating and perhaps futile task. Despite this, I will not be "ok" until I say something to her. I know the responsibility is hers, but I cannot stand by and do nothing. If she dies and I have held my tongue and by my silence condoned her behavior, I will never forgive myself. If she ignores my "wake-up call", that is her choice. She got sober for a while with the help and support of my father, but after he left her, she relapsed and her current partner is happy with the "status quo." He is also ignorant of her history and lives at her house for free, etc. The rest of the family want to do something but don't feel comfortable speaking out and have all said that if there is a chance for her, it lies with me. They have said that I am the only person who can elicit an emotional response from her. No pressure, eh? Yet I myself have been feeling that I need to talk to her about this for some time, and she continues to escalate. My father feels she is a lost cause and will have to hit rock bottom if she is to ever change, but he has not seen her and does not have the medical knowledge I have. I know that the next step for her, her "rock bottom" this time, may well be her death and/or the deaths of others. I will confront her with as much love and compassion as I can and then, depending on her response, I may have to let her go and cut ties with her, for I cannot watch her destroy herself like this. It is killing me inside and the tears I have shed would fill oceans. I have my own physical illness to deal with, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, which has disabled me. If you have read this far into this very long post, please wish me luck or say a prayer for my mother and I if you will. God knows we can both use all the help we can get! Feel free to message me if you like. Take care and be well- and best wishes for recovery and serenity for us all!
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
I have burred a few friends that did indeed hit a 'rock bottom' after many years of unsuccessful attempt of encouraging the to get sober.
And when my friends did give AA, or maybe give an inpatient program a try...they failed with a regular pattern. They would say I'm not religious, the program providers are mean, incompetent, I don't need this aggravation, I'll get sober on my own. Only to return home and do as they liked...get loaded daily.
Its a painful experience to watch a person drink/drug themselves to death. Knowing that everything a loved one can do and have it amount to nothing.
I think 'rock bottoms' can be also called 'dirt pits'. I've witnessed alcoholics just drink themselves to death time after time. Drug buddy's that shoot the final fix and be gone forever.
Its a senseless, helpless, horrifying feeling that just lingers well on after a good friend and loved one ends up in the final death grip addiction can have over a person.
Here at SR is a :Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information That have SR members currently or have the exact same situation you are going through now. Check it out, I think you will be impress with all the experience members have with what is troubling you now.
Blessed be.
Will G.
And when my friends did give AA, or maybe give an inpatient program a try...they failed with a regular pattern. They would say I'm not religious, the program providers are mean, incompetent, I don't need this aggravation, I'll get sober on my own. Only to return home and do as they liked...get loaded daily.
Its a painful experience to watch a person drink/drug themselves to death. Knowing that everything a loved one can do and have it amount to nothing.
I think 'rock bottoms' can be also called 'dirt pits'. I've witnessed alcoholics just drink themselves to death time after time. Drug buddy's that shoot the final fix and be gone forever.
Its a senseless, helpless, horrifying feeling that just lingers well on after a good friend and loved one ends up in the final death grip addiction can have over a person.
Here at SR is a :Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information That have SR members currently or have the exact same situation you are going through now. Check it out, I think you will be impress with all the experience members have with what is troubling you now.
Blessed be.
Will G.
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