Zebra1275

Keeping my fingers crossed.

I think you are going to need more of a program than this. Do you have a plan?

1undone

Okay it's 2 X 4 time. I've been hit with it and so I feel the need to pass it along. LOL

• Drinking since 15 (body still develping)
• Put on meds by a Psychiatrist for drinking (were you 100% honest with this MD?)
• Think you're going to die
• Still have alcohol in your house
• Partner taking you to bed
• Violent with partner
• Abusing partner
• Barfing the next day
• Withdrawling violently
• Agoraphobia
• Business failing
• Worried about losing home

We can listen and understand but only you can help yourself.

I am so glad you confided in us and hope that you will go to any length to get better so that you can live the life you deserve. You will have to tolerate being uncomfortable without alcohol. I've been doing it for 42 days now and I can tell you this has been the biggest fight of my life. BUT with the support of this site, AA, my sponsor, books, CDs, Spouse, etc. I am on my way to something better. Can't say what it looks like but it's better than where I was.

That's it for now. I truly am glad you found this place, it's wonderful. Keep an open mind and you will do well.

eddie73

Hi there, sounds like you are ready to quit. Be patient. It could take several attempts before you finally remain sober. Despite how really awful you feel now, you will forget this in the weeks and months ahead. But you could do it on your first attempt too. I hope you save yourself a lot of torture and do just that.

By the way, I feel for you right now. You should try to get a bit of help to withdraw. If you are sweating that much, you are in rough shape and may need supervision. Gud luck!

Legend63130

Thank you again for all the kind words, and the reminder of how horrible of a person I have been to myself and everyone around me. Keeping my fingers crossed is not my only hope. I am in MO right now, alone because my partner had a summer internship in New England. Being apart has made my drinking worse, so I am actually planning on leaving a week from now to go spend the rest of the summer with him. I will also be closer to my family, and away from my house. I think that will be a start to help get me in the right direction.

So far this morning I reglazed another layer of paint on my bathtub, I started draining my pool, I cleaned the refrigerator and washed my bed sheets. I empties the trash, and dumped 2 bottles of vodka, 3 bottles of rum, 1 bottle of tequila, some triplesec, a box of Franzia, and a 30 pack of beer out. Put it all down the drain and recycled the trash.

The last time I tried to quit I would go through my detox, and I would be fine for about two weeks and then I would start to get angry at about 5pm when my body starts craving booze. I know I am completely powerless to it, and I need it out of my life. I don;t think I will be able to join a physical support group just yet because of my anxiety around others, but I will try and look for a sponser when I get out to New England for the summer. Maybe having someone to call who can help me through this, along with this forum, I will be able to get past this all.

I am a very strong willed person and I know I have it in me to stop. I don;t think hospitalization is right for me at this point, I have had far worse detoxes and I think in another 24 - 48 hours I will be clear enough to start focusing on everything I need to do to quit drinking. My spouse is the strongest person I know, and I feel that if I can be with him, and ask for his support, together we can accomplish anything.

Thanks again for the amazing support, I was not expecting all these replies.

ETA

I'm no expert on sobriety as I have only recently hit the point where I know I need to stop forever.

I did want to comment on the agoraphobia. I am very familiar with this and it's very debilitating.

This spring I hit bottom with my depression, I was suicidal and cried for days on end. I scared the crap out of myself! After the worst was over and I was trying to sort out ways to NEVER get that bad again I knew one big thing I had to conquer was my feer of leaving my house and being around people.

I decided I needed to take risks and put myself out there. I volunteered and joined some clubs. The biggest thing was make an announcement in the newspaper about a big event I was planning. I had to rally volunteers, people to help organize, get sponsors - at first it was torture but it got easier.

In the middle I would get totally drunk and the next day have panic attacks because I set up a meeting with a sponsor or something but I had to go. I lived through it and little by little I was more able to cope - and I have been happier.

My event was last week - at that point I wasn't afraid of talking to people at all. Still I was petrified I would get drunk in front of 200 people - at least I waited until after all of it was over and only had 10 or so witnesses.

I still would rather not leave my house but I will continue to force myself so as to not get too withdrawn. I think continuing to take risks and get out of my house COMBINED with NOT drinking is going to be amazing.

I don't know if this is relavent or helpful. There are other things of course that might help get you out of your house - maybe working out of a coffeee shop instead of your house or getting a small office in some shared space?

I just had recently been through this and I am really proud of myself for forcing myself to do something so difficult.

Good luck to you!

Legend63130

You should be proud, I know first hand that it takes a lot of guts to leave the house when you suffer from this. For me, the only way I can even entertain being around others, or going to the store is after I have had a few drinks to calm me down. On days where I know that I cannot drink, I wear a cap, sunglasses and put a hoodie over my head, and I can only look down when I am walking, otherwise I will panic.

Kudos to you for taking a step up and getting out of your house. I am doing the same next Friday when I will be going back to RI for six weeks to be with my partner, who only left to work an internship for the summer. I will be closer to my family, and I think it will give me the opportunity to get out, and try to make this agoraphobia pass.

Living in Missouri for 3 years has really brought out the bad in me. I have been sad since we moved here, and really missed family and friends. The agoraphobia got 100 times worse from coming here, luckily he only has two more semesters of law school and we will be moving back. If our home sells this summer here in MO, I plan on staying in RI while he finishes school. Anything to make myself better.

ETA

Drinking sure does help with it... for a tiny window of time that is. My problem is not being able to stop at that point.

I never realized it until reading posts on this board how often anxiety disorders and drinking go hand in hand. The interesting part is people talking about how after being sober their anxiety went way down.

Location is very important. I'm glad you are going to RI then... Try taking off the hat and hoodie and go out with just sunglasses. And force yourself to look up. I always think of "fake it till you make it" - it really works.

And I really mean this in a very humble way - I am in no position to preach or lecture... I just really relate to what you're saying and have thought about this stuff a lot.

daisygurl

I would suggest using your strong will to get into a 28 day program that is 12 step based. Relying on your spouse as your support for getting better is not always the best idea. You should learn to do this on your own and not rely on others in your life so much. If you have caused so much damage in the past to the people around you these actions can just perpetuate the cycle of your disease.
The best thing you can do is overcome your fears on your own. I speak from experience and know that there is such power in doing this by yourself.
Getting into a solid rehab will also give you the strength to overcome your agoraphobia and get used to being in groups and opening up.

Good luck!

Legend63130

I really have thought about trying to get into a program. I have even asked my insurance about coverage. My only problem with going into a program is I have 3 dogs, 3 cats, and 6 chickens. With my partner working full time and going to school, nobody can help take care of the animals. It may be something I can consider this Fall when he is only taking classes. I think for now, you guys are my best chance at getting the support I need.

pocketpanda

I can completely relate to the agoraphobia. I was so badly affected by it that for over a year, there were only a few places I could actually go and they could not be far from my home and only in certain parts of town. (It was bizarre, like for some reason grocery stores were safe, but movie theaters, dentists and hairdressers weren't.) It was completely illogical and I knew it, but there was nothing I could do.

I found cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) worked wonders for me. Of course, like an idiot, I didn't bring up my drinking, but at the time, I didn't believe it was a problem.

Through CBT, I was eventually able to open up my world and go places again. I can't recommend it more. Alcohol can play a part in either making agoraphobia worse or temporarily better (like a stiff whiskey or three if I needed to be someplace out of my comfort zone), but I don't think giving up booze alone will make true agoraphobia go away.

Just a thought--it could be helpful to address both issues--the alcohol and the agoraphobia.

pocketpanda

I should add that Bravo had a show called (I think) Obsessed where in one episode they featured an agoraphobic person. The idea that there were other people like me was so overwhelming and that she got HELP at the end was astounding. It's what ultimately got me looking into CBT and finding a therapist.

1undone

Anxiety/Panic/Alcohol is a real what came first? "the Chicken or the egg" thang for many alcoholics. And would the anxiety be as bad had we not self medicated in the early days and rather sought out professional help? I lost a job and my freedom for a long time due to panic attacks and I relied on my spouse for all my support. It turned out to be extemely unhealthy and almost ruined our relationship beyond repair. Our partners get tired too. I don't care how "strong" they seem after years of this they want out. We wear them down and they start to forget who they are in all our muck.

It took me so long to finally realize that the help I needed was help I had to find outside of those I loved. I needed the support of those LIKE ME. What a difference it makes to know you are not a lone, to form bonds with people like us and to have those people a phone call away. Or a text on a BB away!!!! In the last few days I've gotten a ton of support here and I really appreciate it. I tell all my Alcoholic/anxiety ridden peeps about this place.

daisygurl

I'm glad to hear you have considered a program. That's a big and scary step but it is so worth it if you find a good place. You would be amazed at the things that can happen when you put it out there and start praying about it. I had many similar fears about leaving everything for a few weeks. When I decided to make the plunge I was blown away by how much worked in my favor and how many supportive I had surrounding me.

checkmate1

I can sympasize with your story. I have agoraphobia too and I know how hard it is in day to day living.

For the people that don't know agoraphobia can leave you housebound and afraid to face other people. Family and people your close to your ok with but anyone else its just a living hell. Then even your family start to have doubts.

I'm 9 weeks sober today. I have agoraphobia, panic disorder, social anxiety and I'm an alcoholic. I tried AA but found it hard to approach people therefore it wasn't a tool I used to get sober. When taking booze out of the equation it gives you time to heal, medication to work properly and gives you some breathing space to recover.

Sober recovery on the other hand has been my rock and instrumental in me getting sober. With the help of medication my life has improved in leeps and bounds. From being house bound to constant anxiety I have been able to get out and about again it has been nothing short of a miracle. I can do things now I never dreamed I could do again in all aspects of my life.

Do what needs to be done. Give yourself what you deserve. Show us what you can do and throw the bottle away for good and keep posting.

Liberty47

Please, please please don't try to detox by yourself under any circumstances. If you were an opiate addict like myself I could certainly swallow "I've had far worse detoxes" but you are an alcoholic with significant signs of physical dependence, meaning.....you could die and will be at a high risk for seizures at the least. I have dogs myself so understand you not wanting to leave them, but I do wonder if you could speak to a doctor about an outpatient benzo rapid taper at the very least. (Not giving medical advice, just saying that there are several solutions to be sought out- the MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL should have the final say.) Hang in there- the early stages are difficult but you have a much better life ahead of you!!

Liberty47

OK Legend sorry I checked your post again- yes I understand that you have tried outpatient detox in the past- hon, that might be a sign right there that you might need to go a little farther this time in terms of getting over the initial hurdle. Could you guys afford to kennel the pets while you went to a 72 hour detox? Is a petsitter an option? I am of the school that rehab isn't imperative- you can get everything you need from AA, SMART, your support group of choice...but it worries me you might not have some form of medical supervision during the critical part of your body saying goodbye to the booze.

Mariano

Hello, Legend. :ghug3 Sorry, my english is not very good...

I am actually planning on leaving a week from now to go spend the rest of the summer with him. I will also be closer to my family, and away from my house. I think that will be a start to help get me in the right direction.

I think that is a good idea. Don't rely only on your willpower, perhaps it won't work. Bear in mind that the withdrawal symptoms will disappear in few days. Try to relax yourself: hot baths, sitting quietly... some walking will also help. ¿Do you like music? ¿Reading? Phone your friends and talk with them. Post here, you are not alone. We can do it. In a few days you will feel much better, but talking with a doctor is important.

Probably your agoraphopia problems will improve without alcohol. Anxiety is reduced dramatically without alcohol.

Keep posting.

Squishyboots

We are all here for you - stay with the group through the tough times there will be plenty, but there is no other option. It sounds like you realize you need to make the change now for you and the ones around you. You can do it - its hard, remember one day at a time. Waking up sober is the best feeling in the world and you will get there after a couple tough weeks of detox. Please see a doc on the best way to get started.

Mariano

Drink a lot of water and eat healthy food: fruits, vegetables. Eggs, meat and wholegrain cereals are also very important because most alcoholics have not sufficient Vitamin B1 and that may cause problems. I know you are feeling bad, but you must be confident: in a few days you will feel much more better. Don`t blame yourself, that will not help. You have a disease. I have also the same disease. Blaming yourself is useless and counterproductive. We are here to heal ourselves, not for blaming or regret. Healing is possible. You are in process of doing it.

Legend63130

Thank you guys SO much!! I have been up and running around my house like crazy today, trying to stay busy and can't believe all I have done so far.

I will see my primary care physician on Monday and tell him what I am going through. The last time I quit (a year ago), he referred me to my psychiatrist, who did help me quit drinking through the use of Librium to calm the shakes, and help me sleep.

I was then placed on Baclofen ( a medication for MS ), that worked wonders for a few months and made me want nothing to do with drinking, but it only worked for a short period of time. In the end, he wanted to put me on ADHD medicine, and anti depressants, and taking all those medications is just not for me. I understand about detoxing, but I have never had any of those symptoms like seizures, or anything like that. I will ask what my doctor thinks, and I will be drinking a ton of water and poweraid zero in the meantime.

I think that by this time tomorrow, I should be done feeling the physical sides of my withdrawal symptoms. Usually it takes 2 full days, and 2 full nights of being sober for them to stop and to get on a normal sleep schedule.

It's funny.. When my partner started his Job in RI at the beginning of June, I had been in RI with him, and the dogs while someone was watching our home in MO. We went for a month just to spend some alone time together before he began work, and I returned to MO, and my agoraphobia was still there, but it was probably 90% less than how I react to it in MO. I am looking forward on going back next Friday and making the most of my summer while detoxing and finding more support.

So far, you guys have gone above and beyond to make me understand what I need to do, and I have every intention to remain here. Tonight is Friday, usually my busiest drinking night, but I am not touching a drop. Thank you!