ETA

I like the taste of alcohol.
I like gin and red wine and most every style of beer.
I like having happy hour with my girlfriends.
I like pairing wine with food and I like brewing beer with hops that I grew myself.
I use alcohol as a temporary fix for my depression and anxiety.

I blacked out 4 nights out of the last 7 days.
Sometimes I buy 6 packs to restock the 12 pack in the fridge so my boyfriend wont know how much I drank.
Many mornings I wake up and check my email, phone and facebook to make sure I didn't drunk dial/message/post anyone.
I have foggy memories of people asking me if I need a ride right before I drive home drunk.

I feel like I am missing something and only alcohol fills it up. I can't stop drinking once I start. It's been worse lately - almost feverish.

Yesterday the man of my dreams told me that if I can't control my drinking I will lose him.

We haven't talked much. I'm ashamed and scared. He is worried. I knew he must have noticed but I think as long as I'm not driving he accepts it. Or pretends to.

I have to stop. Perhaps I have stopped. I'm on day 2 of no drinking but I don't want to count. I want to look forward. I have to go to an event tonight and I won't drink even though everyone else will.

EmeraldRose

Congratulations on Day 2.

Terminally Unique

ETA,

It doesn't sound like you are in control of your drinking.

You say the man of your dreams will leave if you keep it up. Ask yourself: is a synthetic ethanol buzz worth it?

From what you've "shared", I suggest that you permanently cease and desist from any and all further alcohol consumption. The easiest, cheapest, and simplest way to avoid any further problems from drinking is to quit for good.

Trust me, those problems, and your depression (and anxiety), will only get worse if you keep drinking. I'm sure others will back me up on this much.

I don't know how far along you are, or how bad your depression is, but alcohol is a depressant, and speaking from personal experience, if you keep trying to medicate it with alcohol, the depression may reach depths you may not yet be able to imagine.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I also remember waking up and checking phone records to see if I'd called anyone, and if I had then I would obsess about what I might have said. The crazy thoughts ran around in my mind over and over again. Honestly, it was such a relief to stop drinking and be able to clear my mind.

I hope you keep reading and posting.

Eddiebuckle

ETA, I know those feelings well. That describes where I was in my early thirties, with more than ten years of drinking still ahead of me at the time. The trouble with alcohol is that during the phase that you are in, it's still possible to maintian enough apparent control that its easy to keep on keeping on. But the biggest hurdle between where you are and what I assume you want is acceptance. There is too much "right" about alcohol to make quitting a no brainer. It still works for you, albeit too well a fair amount of the time. But it still gives you the high, the emotional release, the feeling of peace and "everything is ok." So it's still pretty easy to deceive yourself where you are and how much alcohol "has" you.

This is a really hard decision at your stage, because to make it you have to make assumptions as to what will occur if you don't. And as the saying goes, it's never wise to make predictions - especially about the future.

For me, despite what I knew about alcohol (my mother died an active alcoholic), the observations much like yours, and feedback from the woman I loved, I continued to drink because I believed I was different, that I would never let myself get to that point. There is no rule that people have to end up on skid row to quit drinking. But that's the nature of the beast: if you are an alcoholic, the disease will keep coming back with ever starker lessons until you either get it or die. Sounds dramatic, but don't kid yourself. I suggest you check out the documentary "Rain in my heart" on youtube to see how vicious addiction gets once the early lessons are ignored.

Good luck ETA. Keep hanging around SR - there's tons of information and support here, regardless how you choose to handle this.

least

Welcome to the best recovery site everywhere. I also hope you stick around and post your feelings. I've found so much support here it's helped me stay sober now for 18 months.

CeeFarro

I relate so much with everything you've shared...I've done all of those that you've mentioned also..Thanks for helping me stay sober another day by opening up and letting me know that I'm not alone..It's day 3 for me

Bikeguy

Check, check, check....every item on your list used to apply to me to, you can quit and you will never regret your decision. Welcome to Sober Recovery, I'm glad you found us and hopefully we can help you a little along your journey.

Terminally Unique

ETA,

I'm not usually one to "share", but I feel inclined to offer a word of caution.

I ignored a lot of people and kept on drinking, despite things getting worse and worse. I was always going to be "more careful" next time. I reached a few deep "bottoms" which (hypothetically) should have more than convinced me to stop, but it never worked out that way.

With each new "bottom," when I lost something really important, I just ramped up my drinking to tune out the depression, guilt, and self loathing. Quite predictably, even though I thought it was not possible, things got even worse.

If you lose this man of your dreams, there is a possibility that you may wallow in self pity for a long time, and it may rocket your drinking into the stratosphere, with unpredictable consequences.

Quit while you're ahead. You've been warned.

CarolD

You have shared so many of the same red flags I had before I quit...
my drinking had turned me into a depressed woman I detested.
I too was a blackout drinker....and thought everyone else was too...

Welcome to our recovery community... ..Congratulations on seeking sobriety..
It was the best thing I ever did for myself and for those who cared about me.

filthrich

I can relate to all of this. Congrats on day 2. I am in no position to give any real advice yet but so many here are and keep coming back. Don't lose a good man over liquid in a glass. Just my 2. Good luck.

pocketpanda

I could have written most of this post, ETA. I know precisely where you are.

Today is just day one for me. I hope I can make it to day two like you. I'm petrified that I won't be able to just not drink tomorrow.

Zebra1275

I you are using alcohol to fill a void, then it sounds like you would be a good candidate for a 12 step program.

ETA

Thank you all!

I think I'm ready to let go of what I like about drinking. So many of those things are fantasy like I'm all cosmopolitan/sex in the city or a Top Chef foodie... In reality I just get drunk and embarass myself.

I'm very glad I found this community. I read in another post about someone wanting to "control" their drinking and so many people commented on how much more effort it took to try regulate than it was to just not drink. Simple point but I hadn't ever thought of it that way.

I have a feeling I will be a regular here for a while.

ETA

You are 150% correct and I need to keep this at the very front of my brain. I haven't hit bottom yet and really really don't want to. I am taking this warning very seriously.

hibou

Dear ETA, you sound like a younger version of myself. I let things go too far, I suppose really it is about acceptance. I needed to accept that in the life that i wanted for myself there was no room for alcohol. And like you, I loved it, the feeling, taste, experience -- it was sort of ritualistic. But with a true acceptance (and it has to be a real one not just a 'yeah I know I am an alcoholic') giving it up for me was relatively easy. And to be honest If I can do it anyone can. I thought I was completely without the fortitude to make it. I thought I was destined to drink forever. And while drinking I actually couldn't think of anything else to do with my time, you know, like to passing the time. I am so very sorry to have lost out on so much time drinking. ANd ETA I hope that you don't lose too much time. It is so precious!

artsoul

Glad you're here, ETA!

When I made my first post, I was pretty scared at the prospect of getting sober,but knew things were only going to get worse if I kept drinking. I was surprised to find that my depression and anxiety got a lot better pretty quickly. Just talking to and listening to others here made all the difference. Up to that point I had been trying to quit or control my drinking and couldn't do it.

Life is so much better sober...... hang in there!

Dee74

Hi ETA

Lots of great advice here - like many others I identify a lot with your post.
You're among friends here. We get it

Welcome!

D

SwanSong

Hi ETA,

I used to believe all those same things in your opening list - I loved the taste of gin, uber mad love for the red wines and beer was a dear friend of mine. I loved pairing my wine and food and I enjoyed hanging out with my bros during happy hour. I too used alcohol to manage my depression and anxiety.

The last sentence is true, no doubt in my mind - about the depression and anxiety but as far as the others in our lists, I'll be honest, I had to stop and pause when I read this tonight - did I really love all those things or had I just convinced myself that because that was how I had lived for so long that they were in fact true when maybe they were not?

So far, after about 20-30 minutes of contemplation, is I really don't know.

What I do know is that I had crossed that line where I could no longer differentiate what alcohol was doing for me versus what it was doing to me and my life. I was suffering from severe bouts of depression and anxiety. I was having relationship issues, my job was more often a battle ground then a place of employment and I was beginning to acquire a rap sheet from getting into trouble from breaking the law (drinking and driving being one example).

So whether those things were true at one time or not began to pale in comparison to the realization that my whole life lied ahead of me and my addiction was seemingly going to rob me of experiencing that life, in one way or another. As the dueling ideas of continuing on the way I was going or finally throwing the towel in and choosing a sober lifestyle began to sorta crystalize as perhaps the single most important decision I may make in this lifetime I finally just stopped fighting and decided I would sacrifice whatever I had to in order to get sober and learn how to live sober and be happy.

I no longer have any desire to hang out with any of my old drinking buddies (male or female) who I believe have a problem with alcohol, I've found an abundance of friends that either live a sober life or simply don't have a problem with alcohol (and as such, they don't drink much and never push it on me) and I've come to view alcohol for what it really is to me- poison. Being away from the stuff for about 8 months now I don't even really consider what wine would taste like with food or what gin used to taste like, to put it simply, it just doesn't matter anymore.

Whether these were all the changes that occurred by getting to that point where you're at now- that jumping off point and finally just making the jump or whether they were lies I had created really doesn't matter. The end result is the same, somehow - someway they have all worked themselves out- and while things aren't all peaches and flowers - life is one trillion times better now than it was for me back then. I implore you- make the leap, I really do believe it's the most important decision we may ever have to make - absolutely nobody can make this one decision for you.

Oh, and welcome. As already noted- we get it, you are amongst friends!

Ps. (the depression is now non-existent and the anxiety is 98% gone - to me that's a miracle in itself)

SwanSong

Oh yeah, and I meant to say thanks for reminding me about looking at my phone 'the day after' (I wasn't a big FB user back then) to see just who I might have called or emailed...I was terrible, I'm not sure about other guys but I had a terrible habit of drunk dialing (typically ex-girlfriends but sometimes family or friends) and I would never have any recollection about what I might have said the night before. I absolutely hated that with a vengeance - and until tonight I'd almost forgotten about those 'ordeals'. Thanks for the reminder, I hope the day comes when nights like that are distant memories for you too and I hope it comes soon!