Cant take it anymore
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Trish, take a look at what you just wrote. I mean really think about what you wrote. You say you "will not" go backward regarding your weight. I'm sorry, Trish, but that is just ridiculous. If gaining a few pounds is all that stands in the way of recovery, then you have your priorities all screwed up.
We tell people here every single day, and you are no exception...You won't be successful in recovery unless you want it more than anything. Sure, it does often take time to find the right combination of meds that will work, but is that really such an awful thing? Once they get the right mix, your life will improve immeasurably. Isn't that what you want? Sure, you might gain a few pounds, but a little exercise, along with eating right will take care of that.
As long as you keep thinking the way you are thinking, nothing is going to change. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get better. I hope you reach that point soon because I honestly don't know how many more chances you're going to have.
We tell people here every single day, and you are no exception...You won't be successful in recovery unless you want it more than anything. Sure, it does often take time to find the right combination of meds that will work, but is that really such an awful thing? Once they get the right mix, your life will improve immeasurably. Isn't that what you want? Sure, you might gain a few pounds, but a little exercise, along with eating right will take care of that.
As long as you keep thinking the way you are thinking, nothing is going to change. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get better. I hope you reach that point soon because I honestly don't know how many more chances you're going to have.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Trish)))))
You are not going to like what I am about to say.
Go back and read your posts for the last 4 YEARS. Yes, you have had more than 'mini meltdowns' you have really lost it.
The only thing you have accomplished in the last four years being on this site 'doing things your way' is to DIG YOUR HOLE DEEPER!
Are you ready yet to 'follow directions' and allow others who have been where you are, be it a rehab, a treatment center, AA, NA, SMART, or another program show you the way and you LISTEN for once and FOLLOW DIRECTIONS.
Sweetie, you are killing yourself. Anti D's may make you gain weight for a bit, but with stabilization of the mental problems the weight will stabilize also.
You have more negatives for NOT trying something. When are you going to give up trying to 'control' something you have no control over?
Please stop putting all those damn road blocks in your way.
You are getting very close to the age I was when I died, because I wanted to die sober and clean rather than drunk and high.
When will you stop digging?
Love and hugs,
You are not going to like what I am about to say.
Go back and read your posts for the last 4 YEARS. Yes, you have had more than 'mini meltdowns' you have really lost it.
The only thing you have accomplished in the last four years being on this site 'doing things your way' is to DIG YOUR HOLE DEEPER!
Are you ready yet to 'follow directions' and allow others who have been where you are, be it a rehab, a treatment center, AA, NA, SMART, or another program show you the way and you LISTEN for once and FOLLOW DIRECTIONS.
Sweetie, you are killing yourself. Anti D's may make you gain weight for a bit, but with stabilization of the mental problems the weight will stabilize also.
You have more negatives for NOT trying something. When are you going to give up trying to 'control' something you have no control over?
Please stop putting all those damn road blocks in your way.
You are getting very close to the age I was when I died, because I wanted to die sober and clean rather than drunk and high.
When will you stop digging?
Love and hugs,
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Trish...
After many months of sobriety, I was miserable, crazy miserable. I was resentful because
"hey, i'm sober....everything is supposed to be okay now." Uh huh. When i couldn't take it anymore, not another minute....i literally ran to behavioral health. Bipolar...I wouldn't accept it and asked for another Dr. Bipolar type I...I asked for another Dr. Bipolar I, mixed-state, with anxiety disorder. I knew i had to accept this just as I accepted my alcoholism and addiction if I were to recover. I surrendered right then and there, and cried a lot in my doctor's office. No, I don't like taking pills...but I do take them, and see my pdoc regularly. To do less would be playing with fire, and I most likely would be back into chaos and self medicate with booze or speed. I'm not willing to take any chances. Dual diagnosis is rough, but manageable if we do whatever is required. Life is good today....I got my mind back, and my soul. I hope you will find this, dear Trish, and soon. Love you.
After many months of sobriety, I was miserable, crazy miserable. I was resentful because
"hey, i'm sober....everything is supposed to be okay now." Uh huh. When i couldn't take it anymore, not another minute....i literally ran to behavioral health. Bipolar...I wouldn't accept it and asked for another Dr. Bipolar type I...I asked for another Dr. Bipolar I, mixed-state, with anxiety disorder. I knew i had to accept this just as I accepted my alcoholism and addiction if I were to recover. I surrendered right then and there, and cried a lot in my doctor's office. No, I don't like taking pills...but I do take them, and see my pdoc regularly. To do less would be playing with fire, and I most likely would be back into chaos and self medicate with booze or speed. I'm not willing to take any chances. Dual diagnosis is rough, but manageable if we do whatever is required. Life is good today....I got my mind back, and my soul. I hope you will find this, dear Trish, and soon. Love you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I worked very hard, fifteen years ago, to lose 60 pounds (over the course of a year). As my alcoholism progressed, I started using booze as an appetite suppressant (along with its other "virtues"). Yeah, I was thin and looked good in clothes, but I was getting progressively unhealthier.
When I got sober I gained 20 pounds in a matter of four months. No, I wasn't thrilled with that, but I was a lot healthier than when I was drinking.
Last year I started working on my weight loss again, and I am now back down to where I was when I quit drinking. I will even take off another 5-10, which is where my weight is the best.
One thing at a time, first things first. Finding the right med sometimes IS a process of trial and error, but there are some new techniques (neurofeedback is one) that can help predict which drugs will be most effective (did that with my older son).
When I got sober I gained 20 pounds in a matter of four months. No, I wasn't thrilled with that, but I was a lot healthier than when I was drinking.
Last year I started working on my weight loss again, and I am now back down to where I was when I quit drinking. I will even take off another 5-10, which is where my weight is the best.
One thing at a time, first things first. Finding the right med sometimes IS a process of trial and error, but there are some new techniques (neurofeedback is one) that can help predict which drugs will be most effective (did that with my older son).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
I'm far newer than you on SR but probably have struggled with substances far longer. And I think that you come here and talk is very important. It says something about your intentions, even if you aren't following through, so good for you.
But your current situation sounds very serious. You say you don't want to do anything. But reading and posting are doing something. So if you cannot make yourself do anything else (and I understand that), do this. Read, post, play games in the arcade. Hang on to your computer. Silly idea, but it has helped me a lot and you know it helps you too.
I do think you had better think about the "doing it your own way" idea mentioned above. I don't know that four year history, but every time I find myself inventing my own route to sanity (which involves alcohol) I know it won't work.
Hang in there. Keep posting.
But your current situation sounds very serious. You say you don't want to do anything. But reading and posting are doing something. So if you cannot make yourself do anything else (and I understand that), do this. Read, post, play games in the arcade. Hang on to your computer. Silly idea, but it has helped me a lot and you know it helps you too.
I do think you had better think about the "doing it your own way" idea mentioned above. I don't know that four year history, but every time I find myself inventing my own route to sanity (which involves alcohol) I know it won't work.
Hang in there. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Trish: You've been around in SR for four years and have 9970 posts. Isn't it now time to get honest with yourself and start on some meaningful program to get help? Everyone seems to be saying this. What more can we say? What do you want us to say? We care about you. Can you start caring about yourself now? Forget about the weight gain for the moment (Could you be using that as only another one of many excuses?) Give yourself a break for once. If you can't lay off the booze and the other stuff then ask to be put someplace for awhile where it's not available.
W.
W.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I just read this book called 'Tweak' by Nic Sheff. His father David Sheff wrote one called 'Beautiful Boy' about his sons addiction to meth.
I am reading that one now.
Anyway, I identified alot with Nic's book. How he was feeling and what he thought through his addiction. How he wanted to fit in. He had mental issues too and just wasnt ok with himself. Needing others approval to feel like somebody. I have felt like that all my life. I dont know why. Aside from the racism in early school days. I have always seemed to fit in well, one way or another.
Just like any other addict I am very selfish. But its only when it comes to the bad things in my life. Like getting high and fueliing that high. Or anything that goes along with it. But I have noticed with me, when it comes to anything has to do to better myself. I only want to do it because I think it will please other people. Why wouldnt I want to be selfish with that and want to do that more than anything for myself? All my attempts to get clean have always been because thats what was expected of me. How sick is that?
I am out of that meltdown now. I am not thinking so negatively anymore. It was one of those moments that I just lost all concept of mental and emotional stability. It happens sometimes. But still hasnt provoked me into doing much more than think about what I know I need to do but without action.
One thing I know I will be doing is talking to my dr or looking for a pdoc to talk to ASAP. As a matter of fact I will be doing that later today. I have always had trouble sleeping. I dont sleep but a few hours anymore. And when I do its only for like an hour then I am up for awhile and go back for another hour and so on.
Yall kinda took that weight thing a little too far in left field. I thin you all read too far into that comment. Sorry.
I gained over 100 lbs smoking crack like a fiend in the tsreets 24/7 in a matter of almost 2 yrs. It has alot to do with the pile of crap that has added to my addiction. So if nothing else, losing that weight was sort of a victory of letting go of something that came from the height of my using. Just like I dont act like some street ghetto punk anymore. I am very happy I dont act like that anymore. They are very small things and may be insignificant to most of you. But they mean alot to me. Aside from this last legal trouble I had. I am not constantly running the street getting arrested every other week and running on warrants like I use to all the time. Again, small things but something to me.
I know it has nothing to do with the main issue. But they are little pieces of it.
Does any of that make sense or I am I still delusional?
Nothing any of you have said offends me. I know you are speaking to me with concern and honesty. Never feel like I am not going to like what you say because its not what you think I want to hear. I am well aware its those things that I need to hear. Whether I follow through or not. It still sinks in enough to make me think. If nothing else I am soaking it all in.
Thx for the feedback.
I am reading that one now.
Anyway, I identified alot with Nic's book. How he was feeling and what he thought through his addiction. How he wanted to fit in. He had mental issues too and just wasnt ok with himself. Needing others approval to feel like somebody. I have felt like that all my life. I dont know why. Aside from the racism in early school days. I have always seemed to fit in well, one way or another.
Just like any other addict I am very selfish. But its only when it comes to the bad things in my life. Like getting high and fueliing that high. Or anything that goes along with it. But I have noticed with me, when it comes to anything has to do to better myself. I only want to do it because I think it will please other people. Why wouldnt I want to be selfish with that and want to do that more than anything for myself? All my attempts to get clean have always been because thats what was expected of me. How sick is that?
I am out of that meltdown now. I am not thinking so negatively anymore. It was one of those moments that I just lost all concept of mental and emotional stability. It happens sometimes. But still hasnt provoked me into doing much more than think about what I know I need to do but without action.
One thing I know I will be doing is talking to my dr or looking for a pdoc to talk to ASAP. As a matter of fact I will be doing that later today. I have always had trouble sleeping. I dont sleep but a few hours anymore. And when I do its only for like an hour then I am up for awhile and go back for another hour and so on.
Yall kinda took that weight thing a little too far in left field. I thin you all read too far into that comment. Sorry.
I gained over 100 lbs smoking crack like a fiend in the tsreets 24/7 in a matter of almost 2 yrs. It has alot to do with the pile of crap that has added to my addiction. So if nothing else, losing that weight was sort of a victory of letting go of something that came from the height of my using. Just like I dont act like some street ghetto punk anymore. I am very happy I dont act like that anymore. They are very small things and may be insignificant to most of you. But they mean alot to me. Aside from this last legal trouble I had. I am not constantly running the street getting arrested every other week and running on warrants like I use to all the time. Again, small things but something to me.
I know it has nothing to do with the main issue. But they are little pieces of it.
Does any of that make sense or I am I still delusional?
Nothing any of you have said offends me. I know you are speaking to me with concern and honesty. Never feel like I am not going to like what you say because its not what you think I want to hear. I am well aware its those things that I need to hear. Whether I follow through or not. It still sinks in enough to make me think. If nothing else I am soaking it all in.
Thx for the feedback.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I want to add to that one of my friends from Florida called me today to tell me that a girl I was hanging with down there collapsed in the parking lot from Oding on Roxys today. They took her in an ambulance and she was back running the streets again like nothing happened in a matter of hours. Thats sad. But no different than things I have done. I can see the sick twisted thinking and behavior in others more than I can in myself.
Why is that?
Why is that?
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
I only know from my experiences. I don't do group encounters that speak as I was channeling the group speak or something weird like that through me...thank you Jeebus.
So I speak from my heart as a openly mental health consumer (consumer is the latest PC word for patient) on matters that I have encountered sober as well as blasted on dope.
Yes dope has an attraction that will strip a person of absolutely everything that matters to one...This point can not be illustrated enough to change a single soul.
The only point, realization, awareness that has any impact in my life comes not from groups, books, plans, schemes or new found beliefs...nope that stuff was futile/useless until I found and nurtured a living need to fulfill a new life free from all influences. Including, dogma, religion, spirituality, fancy wants, unreal dreams and including for me, false illusions just like addiction was.
My unwavering will to survive, to bring about a 180° turn about...was a desire at first and latter then a fulfillment to achieve the longing to be free from the hellish constriction that addiction had brought around my neck.
This accomplishment, being free from an addiction hell, is not, and I say this regrettably only from my long time experience with others in the grips of addiction, not always manifest by those that wantonly desire it.
My hope for you Trish, is you will be as you desire, healthy and free from a life of addiction.
So I speak from my heart as a openly mental health consumer (consumer is the latest PC word for patient) on matters that I have encountered sober as well as blasted on dope.
Yes dope has an attraction that will strip a person of absolutely everything that matters to one...This point can not be illustrated enough to change a single soul.
The only point, realization, awareness that has any impact in my life comes not from groups, books, plans, schemes or new found beliefs...nope that stuff was futile/useless until I found and nurtured a living need to fulfill a new life free from all influences. Including, dogma, religion, spirituality, fancy wants, unreal dreams and including for me, false illusions just like addiction was.
My unwavering will to survive, to bring about a 180° turn about...was a desire at first and latter then a fulfillment to achieve the longing to be free from the hellish constriction that addiction had brought around my neck.
This accomplishment, being free from an addiction hell, is not, and I say this regrettably only from my long time experience with others in the grips of addiction, not always manifest by those that wantonly desire it.
My hope for you Trish, is you will be as you desire, healthy and free from a life of addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: auckland
Posts: 99
Hi aysha
That has happened to me a few times aswell usually when I am feeling quite down so I can relate to how your feeling! I know you cannot be bothered writing it out again but remmember that there is a lot of support on this site that is here for you!
Take care
Cairns
Take care
Cairns
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
The answer I would give you to your last question is because you are "terminally unique".
You have a huge wall of denial all around you.
Running the streets and doing crazy things under the influence is not too scary - especially if you're fueled up. That's easy. Been there, done that.
Looking at yourself in the mirror, and trying to find the real you - that must be terrifying! That is FEAR masked as "I don't care about myself" or "I just can't find my true bottom". That Fear is stopping you.
FEAR - F*** everything and run -or-
FEAR - Face everything and recover
Chip at the wall; and you will find what you are looking for. Standing in front of it and trying to solve the problem with your mind will not get you there. Isolating yourself keeps you in your own mind and reinforces your belief in how different you are from others in your own mind. You are no different. Like I said, been there, done that.
Action gets you where you want to be.
You have a huge wall of denial all around you.
Running the streets and doing crazy things under the influence is not too scary - especially if you're fueled up. That's easy. Been there, done that.
Looking at yourself in the mirror, and trying to find the real you - that must be terrifying! That is FEAR masked as "I don't care about myself" or "I just can't find my true bottom". That Fear is stopping you.
FEAR - F*** everything and run -or-
FEAR - Face everything and recover
Chip at the wall; and you will find what you are looking for. Standing in front of it and trying to solve the problem with your mind will not get you there. Isolating yourself keeps you in your own mind and reinforces your belief in how different you are from others in your own mind. You are no different. Like I said, been there, done that.
Action gets you where you want to be.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Agreeing with Wellwisher. Every addict tends to be in denial and think they and their problems are different to everyone else's. I've been around here for awhile. I think most people I know would regard what's been happening as quite serious and disturbing, it's had a real personal cost for you, and it's high risk and reckless behavior. I've seen a lot of real stuff in my time, and that's my view too. Sorry but maybe at the moment, you aren't able to see that.
I'd also agree with others that your priorities don't seem really on track atm. A family member of mine was about 7 stone when she died, after years of addiction... it matters little at that point.
I hope you're able to disclose all to the doctor. Some pdocs specialize also in addiction, may be a good thing to consider. I was recommended myself to that kind of help because as was said to me, they are well versed in the thought processes of the addict, I couldn't bs my way through their therapy. If you are concerned about weight gain, that is something you will have to discuss with your doctor, though I don't think you can really afford to reject anything that has the potential to help you at this point.
You have to be prepared to work with the therapist over some time, and if you're like most of us there isn't a 'magic pill' solution. Medication makes things more manageable for me maybe but there's a lot of personal work to be done as well.
I've had therapists for a long time. It helps, though I think I also had to do something specific to address the addiction. Even with a lot of my other problems solved, I still had cravings and the addiction issues, it didn't necessarily solve all those problems.
I'd also agree with others that your priorities don't seem really on track atm. A family member of mine was about 7 stone when she died, after years of addiction... it matters little at that point.
I hope you're able to disclose all to the doctor. Some pdocs specialize also in addiction, may be a good thing to consider. I was recommended myself to that kind of help because as was said to me, they are well versed in the thought processes of the addict, I couldn't bs my way through their therapy. If you are concerned about weight gain, that is something you will have to discuss with your doctor, though I don't think you can really afford to reject anything that has the potential to help you at this point.
You have to be prepared to work with the therapist over some time, and if you're like most of us there isn't a 'magic pill' solution. Medication makes things more manageable for me maybe but there's a lot of personal work to be done as well.
I've had therapists for a long time. It helps, though I think I also had to do something specific to address the addiction. Even with a lot of my other problems solved, I still had cravings and the addiction issues, it didn't necessarily solve all those problems.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I wasnt reffering to that story about the gril ODing and my view of it as me thinking I am any different. As a matter of fact I said right after it was no different than anything I have done. I know I am no better, different or unique. How could I be?
I think my view of watching other people do the same if not as bad or as bad or worse as I have done is just like being on the outside looking in. You have a better perspective when your looking at things like that IMO.
For me it just doesnt seem to register when I look at myself doing the same things. Not because I am different. Its hard to explain. But I get what your trying to say about it being terminally unique. But thats not what I was getting at or how I feel or think.
Anyway....I am looking at providers npw online that are covered on my plan and I will be making the calls once I get the list together. I dohave a way to get to medical appts through my insurance. They provide medical taxi service.
Thx for the responses.
I think my view of watching other people do the same if not as bad or as bad or worse as I have done is just like being on the outside looking in. You have a better perspective when your looking at things like that IMO.
For me it just doesnt seem to register when I look at myself doing the same things. Not because I am different. Its hard to explain. But I get what your trying to say about it being terminally unique. But thats not what I was getting at or how I feel or think.
Anyway....I am looking at providers npw online that are covered on my plan and I will be making the calls once I get the list together. I dohave a way to get to medical appts through my insurance. They provide medical taxi service.
Thx for the responses.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Well that wasnt so bad. I called a place that is in the same medical park as my physician and they specialize in substance abuse, medication evaluation and counceling. I just have to wait for a clinician to call back to set up an appt.
I feel better already.
This time nobody is making me do this or asking me or anything like that. I am just sick and tired of feeling like a crazed maniac at times. My thoughts going a million miles an hour in 100 different directions. I cant do it anymore.
So hopefully this proves to be the first step in the right direction.
I feel better already.
This time nobody is making me do this or asking me or anything like that. I am just sick and tired of feeling like a crazed maniac at times. My thoughts going a million miles an hour in 100 different directions. I cant do it anymore.
So hopefully this proves to be the first step in the right direction.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I go July 6 for the appt.
Until then, I have been trying to stay very aware of my mood, and catching them before they escalate and just drop what I am doing and sit quietly and breathe. With my eyes closed.
Also I have started a tiny little workout routine to tone my weight loss. I have been walkign almost everyday since I had the procedure so thats not an issue.
I am sorta in contact with ym old sponsor.
I have been reading alot and coming here which is something I havent been doing for a long time.
Maybe it takes a breaking point mentally to get you to that place you are at least willing to try. I know physical breakin points have done nothing. Like physical consequences to my addiciton. Like jail, injury things like that. Does nothing.
But to have to sit with myself like I had to the other night was just bonkers.
Anyway, I am going to try this and see how it goes. I have always gone strait to the addiciton and not even 100%. Lets try the mental issue first then see if that doesnt allow me to address the addiciton better.
Until then, I have been trying to stay very aware of my mood, and catching them before they escalate and just drop what I am doing and sit quietly and breathe. With my eyes closed.
Also I have started a tiny little workout routine to tone my weight loss. I have been walkign almost everyday since I had the procedure so thats not an issue.
I am sorta in contact with ym old sponsor.
I have been reading alot and coming here which is something I havent been doing for a long time.
Maybe it takes a breaking point mentally to get you to that place you are at least willing to try. I know physical breakin points have done nothing. Like physical consequences to my addiciton. Like jail, injury things like that. Does nothing.
But to have to sit with myself like I had to the other night was just bonkers.
Anyway, I am going to try this and see how it goes. I have always gone strait to the addiciton and not even 100%. Lets try the mental issue first then see if that doesnt allow me to address the addiciton better.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
Good going Trish.
When I started to work a single wellness program that addressed my mental and addictions issues at the same time...I finally (after years of failed self-help meetings and program that addresses only one side of me) started to make lasting healthy changes in life.
When I started to work a single wellness program that addressed my mental and addictions issues at the same time...I finally (after years of failed self-help meetings and program that addresses only one side of me) started to make lasting healthy changes in life.
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