Aysha

I just lost everything I wrote. My own fault because I lost the connection. I odnt have it in me to go over it again. I am so freakin done.

I have been depressed ever since I got home and its just getting worse. I have no interest in gettin help and I am to the point that I really could give F anymore.

I just want to crawl in a hole a cry.

Dee74

I think it's part of the whole deal.

I didn't want to do anything for a long time. The addicted part of me wanted it like that.

Fight it Trish - make yourself do something.

Action is key

D

Bikeguy

I'm sorry your having a rough time, if you don't feel up to posting just read. Hang in there.

littlegirllost7

Here's how I am trying to look at it on days when I am tempted to forget it all, give up, and just not care. Let's say I give in tonight and go buy a 12 pack of beer and get wasted. What did that accomplish? A fight with a loved one, spending money I don't have, humiliating myself in some way? And all the problems..bills, relationship issues, past regrets that I was trying to escape from are right there in my face waiting for me when I wake up with a disgusting hangover and a pile of new regrets. Instead, I am trying to take the time spent not drinking and going through what I can start fixing. Even just writing it down can give you hope. Feel better...we are all basically in the same boat. Different issues, same problem.

ADaisyifyoudo

The depression is the absolute worst. I sat at this computer 10 days ago and sobbed for more than an hour. Every little thought I had made me cry.

I read a book (memoir) called Lit that led me to one of my first attempts (short lived) to stop drinking, but I remember she talked about when she really couldn't do anything else reciting the alphabet and coming up with something she was grateful for (even remotely) for each letter. It sometimes works for me as a distraction.

Hang in there. Maybe take a warm bath and try to go to sleep (if it's bedtime wherever you are)?

Aysha

Getting high is the last thing on my mind right now. I am just tired of everything. Tired of feeling like this, of tyring to start over all the time, trying to act like everything is ok when it isnt. Not knowing why I feel like this to begin with.
Now that I have calmed down. I was writing about how I was diagnosed with all these mental issues. Bi polar2, depression, anxiety, mood disorder, borderline personality disorder.
I have chosen to think they are full of crap.
After being on a drug binge for days and talking to me for 5 mins how could anyone make a call like that?
But I do go from one extreme to the other. I do get like I have been lately just crying and depressed for no reason. Frustration and aggravation consume me for no reason sometimes. I feel stuck, helpless and lost.
I am tired.
I havent gotten high since the morning I came home. Thats been a couple weeks.
It could all be part of coming off the drugs. But I get like this after being clean for months too.
I just cant stand anything anymore. I dont even want to try anymore. I'm sick of not knowing what is wrong and not wanting to do anythign about it.
I refuse to take meds for this BS. I am sick of having to do it my way but not wanting to do it any other way.
I am so confused by myself.
I cant find a job, couldnt get to one if I did. I just dont care right now.
I wasted 3 mos in Florida. I kicked ass for almost 2 mos and then threw it all away just like that.
I hated having to come back here. I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with no desire to change any of it.
Thats the problem. Why wouldnt someone want to go to any length to be better?
I dont and I cant even answer that question.
I'm going back to sleep. At least I wont have to be with myself in my sleep.

LaFemme

Hugs....

I didn't care either...and that was the worst part...at the end when I pretty much gave up.

I don't know about you but weather effects me a lot...the weather here has been pretty funky lately...its just something to consider.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

newby1961

When you went to the Dr and they diagnosed you with all those disorders were you honest with them about how you were coming down off of a bunch of drugs?

I know when I went and I was honest they told me they needed to wait at least 90 days because a lot of those disorders mimick detoxing off of drugs.

I want to make clear though that is my experience and mine only. Always check and listen to your Dr, for they are the ones who have the medical degree not any of us, or at least not me!!

Please hang in there and I know how hard it is to not want to throw the towel in but you have done the hard part already you quit and you have been off of stuff for a few weeks or at least that what I thought you wrote?

Do you have a support group? Do you go to any meetings AA or NA? It is really hard to do it on your own but at least you are here at SR and you have us now. Stay close and post as much as you need there is always someone with a cyber hug not to far away.:ghug3

winegirl

I'm going back to sleep. At least I wont have to be with myself in my sleep.[/QUOTE]

Im all over that. I sleep to get away from myself. wtf else is there to do??
hang in there girly!

Dee74

I dunno Trish... so if all those conditions are BS, and you refuse to even consider meds even tho you're suffering like this...what are you going to do exactly?

D

susanlauren

Sigh. Trish, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Where is all of this going to end up for you? Relapse back into drugs and alcohol? Spiraling depression, becoming suicidal? A continuing life of the living dead? Sleeping your life away? There is no magic wand that can be waved to make your life all better. If you want a better life, then you are going to have to reach out, ask for help and be willing to accept that help. Susan

Zencat

You have described my episodes of depression/mental illness to a detail that I once thought was unique to only me. It sucks, its hard, its dangerous and it would have me locked up or dead.

I lost my job, house, all my possessions and lastly my sanity with having depression/PTSD/a personality disorder/paranoid/delusions on and on it goes...with an untreated mental illness disorder.

I had to go inpatient with a 9 month observation period total wile being clean/sober to get set right with ongoing therapy and for me continued medication.

My condition was far beyond any simple self-help group develop by laymen that could have even a remote possibility of helping me. I needed real help by people highly trained to handle serious conditions like mine.

michelle01

You sound demoralized and that is understandable. At the end, I felt very defeated. I knew I was outmatched. But in a strange way, that worked for me. It was the start of the surrender, and I'd never really had that in recovery previously. You don't have to be certain of everything in recovery. You just need to have some trust and faith in others who have been there themselves and beaten it. I finally came to terms with the fact that my problems and the thoughts in my head weren't so unique. They were shared. It works a day at a time, simple steps. That may be all that you feel able to manage right now, and that is okay.

LexieCat

Trish,

You can't trust what your brain is telling you. Seriously. Right now it is FUBAR (effed up beyond all recognition).

Are you willing to accept the possibility that you don't know what is best for you right now? You are trying to be your own doctor. How good a job have you done? Have you figured out how to get better on your own?

As miserable as you are feeling right now, what is the risk in putting yourself in the hands of a treatment facility equipped to deal with your addiction AND your mental health issues? What could possibly be the downside at this point? And why in the world would you refuse medication when your brain is malfunctioning? If you were diagnosed with cancer, would you refuse chemo just on general principles?

Your thinking DEPENDS on your brain chemistry working correctly. Drug abuse messes that up, other mental disorders are the product of its being messed up. Get the brain working correctly, and you have a shot at getting well. You will be able to act in your own best interest because you will want to live again. Stuff that doesn't make sense now will make sense to you. But you can't reason it out when your brain isn't right.

Please give yourself a chance to get well.

serious

LexieCat said it perfectly.

not much to add, except to reinforce that getting help is a good thing... there are many people and places where you can get help. people are naturally tuned to survive and you will win.

Aysha

I think its time to let go off this denial and just have a good talk with my Dr or a Psychiatrist and see what options there are. The thing with the meds is that I have heard that sometimes it takes trial and error to find the right one or combination of ones to help you. I dont know if I want to tamper with ym brain chemistry any more than I already have with street drugs. Plus I heard alot of them make you gain weight. Something I am working on not doing. I have lost about 80 lbs since last June. I will not go backwards with that.
I know these mental issues are the root problem to my addiction. I dont know. I have had 2 mini melt downs in a month. I really thought I was goin to snap last night. I have never felt like that before. Like a little kid wanting t throw the biggest temper tantrum. It was pitiful. And for what? I couldnt even tell you.
Anyway, Thx for the feed back

Dee74

Have a talk with your Dr and take it from there T. You owe it to yourself to make an informed decision - not on stuff you've heard or what you fear might happen...

take care

D

bexxed

Years ago I had a very intense drug career for only about a year or so, but when I kicked I felt exactly the way you described, for a few months, honestly. And residually for longer than that. And I gained weight, which came off in time. I know how hard that is to hear, but if you can, think about it: you gain a little weight. That strain on your heart is nothing like the strain on your heart from the drugs. The strain on your spirit that addiction delivers is so very much worse than excess weight. I called the weight gain my "victory handles". And it's way easier to lose the weight later than it is to go through the addiction again. If the meds make you gain, talk to your doctor and be honest with yourself and him/her. Remember that healthy people come in all shapes and sizes... and in the end, your health is what will carry you toward and through a full and rewarding life... hugs.

wpainterw

Aysha:
Yes, as Dee says, have a talk with your doctor. And, after that, if, as you say, you're completely miserable and have been that way for a long time, why not try just working a program towards recovery, whether it's AA, NA or something else. Work a program and give it all you've got. Don't waste time and effort trying to figure out just what's wrong, bipolar, depression, whatever! Let the doctor take care of that. Focus on working a program. Who knows, you just might get yourself into a better place emotionally speaking. Get with a group, get someone else with recovery time to help, work a program and you might be surprised. Pretty soon you may see some sunlight. Nothing ever stays the same. It either gets better or it gets worse. Many folks have done this- that is make it better. You can too. Good luck.

W.

Anna

(((Trish)))