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PLEASE READ!!! Anxiety/Depression,Alcoholism,Social Phobia,Marijuana,Medication



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PLEASE READ!!! Anxiety/Depression,Alcoholism,Social Phobia,Marijuana,Medication

Old 05-19-2011, 09:33 AM
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Question PLEASE READ!!! Anxiety/Depression,Alcoholism,Social Phobia,Marijuana,Medication

Hi everyone, I am new to this, today is my first day. I want everyone to read about what's going on with me and give me some helpful advice. Right now I have no idea what world I live in. What is real? What is not true? Where is God?

I suffer from anxiety and depression and therefore became addicted to alcohol but I havn't drank for over a week. My depression is very mild and hits me out of nowhere from time to time, making me feel really scared, worried, and helpless for no reason. At these times nothing helps and all I can do is find a place where I am out of sight and dont have to put strain on any muscle in my body, under the covers. There, I obsess over every problem in my life while my mind moves at an extremely fast speed, moving in circles, trying to solve these problems that really cant be solved. (especially laying in bed) One specific feeling I always have during these times is not wanting to have children because life seems so horrible it would be wrong to bring someone here. When I get out of this depression that feeling/belief completely leaves me, and I find that to be amazing. In addition during these hard times I want to die more than ever.

My anxiety is what I would call a social phobia type of thing. This has ruined my life. Anxiety keeps my mind in the past where I am constantly concerned with what i just said and how did it sound?, what i did and was it the right thing to do? Anxiety keeps me in the future where I am constantly concerned with what i have to do whether it be FINALLY starting my education at Lehigh Carbon Community, forcing myself to make eye contact with the cashier at Redners to make her think im "normal" or confident, or going to work and today trying to hold conversations with co-workers and not be awkward. Anxiety keeps me away from the here and now and its obsessive thoughts about how i sound, look, and how i dont want to embarass myself are the very thoughts that make me sound and look stupid at times.

I'm not a doctor but from my understanding, my Anxiety is what makes me extremely uncomfortable around people other than my younger sister and my boyfriend, who is new to join the list. I am so deprived of comfort everyday if i am out this house. Drinking makes me comfortable to talk and not worry. Drinking gives me confidence. Drinking gives me the ability to hold a conversation and keep it going. However I will keep drinking till I cant hold a conversation because I cant talk right, I'll drink till I cant hold my head up straight, cant hold my balance, and cant hold my food down. I have blacked out over 80 times in my life and I really believe this because I black out everytime I drink. I embarass myself, my boyfriend, and my family. I get into arguements and fights.

I have to stop drinking because of this and also because I need for my anxiety/depression medication to work. It never will if i continue to drink. In addition I smoke marijuana from time to time and the high is almost always bad. I always become paranoid on some level or the other. I keep smoking because I like to read, listen to music, and watch movies while high. When high I panic (without my boyfriend knowing) from obsessive thoughts on how i need to fix my life, how i need to pay my back rent, how broke i am, how i need to clean up, how dirty i am, how i want to have nice clothes, how i need to start school, etc. And the panic can also get deeper in which I convince myself that I am mentally challenged and everyone knows this and is keeping it from me or that people that I have recently met think that I am ******** or weird. Other thoughts are that people think im dirty, that i stink, that my breath stinks, or even that I am a pushover/punk coward of a person who still acts like a child. Not imature but quiet and shy. weird huh?

I am also suffering from sleep paralysis, that last no longer than 30 seconds but take minute interludes and occur over and over for up to an hour time span. These "night terrors" are so scary and frustrating I sometimes get up out of bed afraid to try to fall asleep and cry. I suffer from teeth grinding especially during the paralysis, so i've learned they are related. Also I keep having these "brain flashes"(the best way i can describe them) or quick dizzy spells that i can actually hear and hit me in 2s 3s or 4s, like "zzz zzz" My apetite is like never before where I eat like a pig and depend on sweets.

Anyone have advice for this 24 year old in need?
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Old 05-19-2011, 09:47 AM
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Hi and Welcome!

Many of us, me included, use alcohol to self-medicate anxiety/depression. Anxiety can be exhausting, but I have found that I am more able to manage it since I have been in recovery. It sounds like you're taking medication for the anxiety and that can be helpful too. I'm not comfortable in social situations where I don't know people well, and that's okay with me. I don't go out as much as I used to and that's okay too.

Have you considered counselling to deal with the negative thought patterns that you are having?
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Old 05-19-2011, 09:59 AM
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I plan to start going to AA meetings because I no longer have health insurance, so therefore cant see a therapist. But I def will find a therapist when I being working again. Thanx so much for your reply, I just need to talk to people who know what I'm going through and believe me.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:04 AM
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I just learned on ehow.com that the things I were experiencing and describing as "brain flashes" are called "brain zaps" and occur from medication withdrawls including cymbalta which i have recently stopped taking. This brought me to tears because i've been complaining to my boyfriend about it and he has been acting like he doesnt care/doesnt believe me.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:10 AM
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It's hard for others to understand what we're going through, so just focus on your recovery and stay on course.
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:29 AM
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I am currently on Cymbalta and it's a hard medication to come off of. Why did you stop taking it? Did you go cold turkey? If you did that's a major set up to relapse because that med is as bad or worse than withdrawl from alcohol. I know some of you are probably like what? Huh? How can she say that but I've been there. I've never had such bad brain zaps and heart palpatations in my life. So you may be wondering why I'm still on it. Well it worked! I went off of it because like so many I felt better and thought I didn't need it anymore, didn't consult my doc and just stopped takinging it.

You are very ill. You have a major anxiety disorder and are self medicating. I did/do the same. I have to go to a meeting to night and I was playing with the idea of taking an extra Klonopin so I won't be nervous and then I thought... Well why not be nervous? Everyone gets nervous. BUT I've been dealing with this for 29yrs. I know for me this is going to be a life long journey.

Okay no more ramble, bottom line is your withdrawl from Cybalta is very real and awful! If you can taper please do.
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Old 05-19-2011, 11:10 AM
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WOW thank you so much for reading, and I stopped taking the cymbalta because I lost the bottle or maybe my boyfriend hid it. He doesnt believe anything Im saying and doesnt think i need meds. I havent looked for the bottle because honestly i dont do anything that i need to do right now, im depressed and at a stand still and also because i think i let him persuade me to believe maybe i can do this without the meds and also the cymbalta hasnt really helped me.
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Old 05-19-2011, 11:12 AM
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thank you so much for reading my post and for your advice
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Old 05-19-2011, 02:31 PM
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Hi TruJoy,

Welcome!! I'm definietly a newbie, but felt compelled to respond given all our similarities. I sometimes think that I will never bare children...because my life is so messed up ... why would I jeopardize someone else's life? I, too have definite social phobia (being treated for some of the specifics that you mentioned). I'm also concerned that my anti-depression, mood disorder, and anti-anxiety meds aren't working because I drink too much....and as soon as you mentioned the brain zaps----I knew it was the meds.

Wow, you have as much going on as I do, however, I know that alcohol only amplifies all these problems. I understand your dilemma...."alcohol eases some of these symptoms"...but what is it really doing...but making us feel "confident" when we're juiced up (Oh How Attractive).

Sorry for the long post, but, in the end, I want to say...for me...there's no way to eradicate all the other issues without getting rid of alcohol....point.blank.simple. But trust me....I myself am struggling with this concept....but the people here at SR help IMMENSELY!!


Much Love

-Jump
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Old 05-19-2011, 02:47 PM
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Welcome to SR TruJoy4myFuture

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Old 05-19-2011, 03:26 PM
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@jump thanx so much, it feels good to kno im not alone
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Old 05-19-2011, 04:07 PM
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Old 05-19-2011, 04:34 PM
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You ABSOLUTELY are not alone TruJoy!!

I have experienced the "brain zaps" after coming off medication, Used alcohol to self-medicate for a severe panic disorder etc. etc.

I can tell you from experience that mixing alcohol with anxiety just turns the anxiety into a vicious cycle. I felt like I needed the alcohol for the anxiety, but the alcohol just made the anxiety worse.

Sobriety makes it MUCH easier to handle the anxiety in the end!!

Hang in there!!
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