Hey, I'm new! And right back to where I started =[
Egomaniac +Inferiority Complex
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: London, ON, Canada
Posts: 15
Hey, I'm new! And right back to where I started =[
Evening,
Firstly, thanks for the existence of this forum, and in advance to anyone whom replies to my post(s) and all the great advice and love on the forum.
I'm 27, moved from England to Canada when i was 22. I separated from my common-law Canadian spouse 8 months ago. We have 2 little girls, who stay with me 3 nights a week. Things are amicable.
I've always enjoyed a beer (read: case of). My dad is a big beer drinker, and also my best friend, though I only see him once/twice a year if I am lucky. He lives with my mam, she doesn't drink.
Growing up in England, going through college and university, it never seemed like a problem. It doesn't, when everyone's doing it!! Since moving over here it has progressively come to my realization that I do indeed rely too much on alcohol.
It started when we were in England. Said Canadian spouse was with me, we lived in a penthouse in Liverpool and were living comfortably. Then she announced she was pregnant, 2 days before Christmas. then i lost my job. Then we had to move in with my parents. The pregnancy coincided with some strange behaviour on my part...going for long walks alone, wanting to visit graveyards for no apparent reason, self-harming...I was diagnosed with severe Depression, something I'd been aware of but ashamed by for months, if not years. So i self medicated with 12 tall cans a night for 6 months. totally ashamedly, I cannot recall much about her first pregnancy.
When we moved back with my folks, then over to Canada, things were better. I still didn't acknowledge my Alcoholism, just told myself I'd used it as a crutch to get through some hard times. I was only drinking on the weekends again, it was OK (!).
Well then I got into a band over here in Canada and it went from bad to worse. Drinking a 12 at practice. Then a case. Then a case and a bottle of Jager. Then on Sundays to recover from Saturday night. Then on Mondays after work to recover from the weekend. So on and so forth...
Im trying to keep this brief. The separation was largely my decision...and I'd rather not discuss it here, now. But, I did maintain 4 months and 17 days of Sobriety when I left, through friends and AA. Now, i've lost all enthusiasm for it. I have a phenomenal sponsor, an Anglican Minister who is a great friend, and a qualified Psychotherapist also. He was addicted to meth and opiates for years, and I very much envy who he is now, he is a huge mentor and inspiration. I miss my family and friends A LOT, more than ever. And I'm back to binging hardcore at the weekends, and a 6 pack most nights. I get free pot from a friend, but honestly it doesn't appeal when I can have a few frosties. I'm also partial to a few lines of coke...though very rarely. Beer, and booze, is my issue. I feel like the few every night relaxes me, relieves stress, makes me more interactive, even with my kids. I know I have a problem...I drink-drive regularly, my diet is pretty bad, and I'm a right grumpy ******* after work til i get a beer in me.
I'm posting in hope that people can relate and I am interested in similar stories. Thanks to you all...I live catch 22. I feel rottenly depressed if i don't drink...and the drinking makes me depressed.
Firstly, thanks for the existence of this forum, and in advance to anyone whom replies to my post(s) and all the great advice and love on the forum.
I'm 27, moved from England to Canada when i was 22. I separated from my common-law Canadian spouse 8 months ago. We have 2 little girls, who stay with me 3 nights a week. Things are amicable.
I've always enjoyed a beer (read: case of). My dad is a big beer drinker, and also my best friend, though I only see him once/twice a year if I am lucky. He lives with my mam, she doesn't drink.
Growing up in England, going through college and university, it never seemed like a problem. It doesn't, when everyone's doing it!! Since moving over here it has progressively come to my realization that I do indeed rely too much on alcohol.
It started when we were in England. Said Canadian spouse was with me, we lived in a penthouse in Liverpool and were living comfortably. Then she announced she was pregnant, 2 days before Christmas. then i lost my job. Then we had to move in with my parents. The pregnancy coincided with some strange behaviour on my part...going for long walks alone, wanting to visit graveyards for no apparent reason, self-harming...I was diagnosed with severe Depression, something I'd been aware of but ashamed by for months, if not years. So i self medicated with 12 tall cans a night for 6 months. totally ashamedly, I cannot recall much about her first pregnancy.
When we moved back with my folks, then over to Canada, things were better. I still didn't acknowledge my Alcoholism, just told myself I'd used it as a crutch to get through some hard times. I was only drinking on the weekends again, it was OK (!).
Well then I got into a band over here in Canada and it went from bad to worse. Drinking a 12 at practice. Then a case. Then a case and a bottle of Jager. Then on Sundays to recover from Saturday night. Then on Mondays after work to recover from the weekend. So on and so forth...
Im trying to keep this brief. The separation was largely my decision...and I'd rather not discuss it here, now. But, I did maintain 4 months and 17 days of Sobriety when I left, through friends and AA. Now, i've lost all enthusiasm for it. I have a phenomenal sponsor, an Anglican Minister who is a great friend, and a qualified Psychotherapist also. He was addicted to meth and opiates for years, and I very much envy who he is now, he is a huge mentor and inspiration. I miss my family and friends A LOT, more than ever. And I'm back to binging hardcore at the weekends, and a 6 pack most nights. I get free pot from a friend, but honestly it doesn't appeal when I can have a few frosties. I'm also partial to a few lines of coke...though very rarely. Beer, and booze, is my issue. I feel like the few every night relaxes me, relieves stress, makes me more interactive, even with my kids. I know I have a problem...I drink-drive regularly, my diet is pretty bad, and I'm a right grumpy ******* after work til i get a beer in me.
I'm posting in hope that people can relate and I am interested in similar stories. Thanks to you all...I live catch 22. I feel rottenly depressed if i don't drink...and the drinking makes me depressed.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: San francisco,ca
Posts: 112
Have you seen a doctor about your depression? If not maybe you should.
I've been through different moods during my sobriety. Right now I feel great, but that has changed in the past to a feeling of dullness, where life does not seem like it has anything good to really offer. I guess you could consider it slight depression, but not necessarily a feeling of extreeme sadness.
I've relapsed durring these feelings and have always regreted it. Going back to the alcohol just seems to hold me back from the progress and rewards that sobriety has to offer.
So how is your stepwork going. From what I have seen in myself and others, when getting over resentments, your anger level and irritability reallly goes down or away all together. Meditation and prayer have helped me tromendously. Praying for the people I hate the most to have the things I want the most in my life does wonders. I know most people have a hard time with that one, but it works and doesn't change anything except the way you feel. It doesn't mean I forgive them or that I have to walk hand in hand with them down the sidewalk. It just means I can walk on my own and not be haunted by the past and the things that were done to me by them.
I pray for these people, and other issues that make me upset, everyday about 2 times a day. Sometimes more. Whenever negitive thoughts come into my head. If your not doing this, you might want to try it out. It doesn't cost anything and only takes a few moments everyday. Give it about 2-3 weeks and then see how you feel.
Dune
I've been through different moods during my sobriety. Right now I feel great, but that has changed in the past to a feeling of dullness, where life does not seem like it has anything good to really offer. I guess you could consider it slight depression, but not necessarily a feeling of extreeme sadness.
I've relapsed durring these feelings and have always regreted it. Going back to the alcohol just seems to hold me back from the progress and rewards that sobriety has to offer.
So how is your stepwork going. From what I have seen in myself and others, when getting over resentments, your anger level and irritability reallly goes down or away all together. Meditation and prayer have helped me tromendously. Praying for the people I hate the most to have the things I want the most in my life does wonders. I know most people have a hard time with that one, but it works and doesn't change anything except the way you feel. It doesn't mean I forgive them or that I have to walk hand in hand with them down the sidewalk. It just means I can walk on my own and not be haunted by the past and the things that were done to me by them.
I pray for these people, and other issues that make me upset, everyday about 2 times a day. Sometimes more. Whenever negitive thoughts come into my head. If your not doing this, you might want to try it out. It doesn't cost anything and only takes a few moments everyday. Give it about 2-3 weeks and then see how you feel.
Dune
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
welcome geordieincanada - yes, it's a vicious cycle, isn't it? Drinking to get over what drinking does to us...... It's clearly insane, but I did it for years. I've been sober twice (for long periods actually) and still went back to it. This time was it for me. I couldn't fool myself anymore that I'd ever be able to control it.
Keep reading and posting - we're glad you're here!
Keep reading and posting - we're glad you're here!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Talking to your dr could be a good idea. Are you being treated for depression, because it sounds like your depression began before the drinking? That's how it was with me, and alcohol was to self-medicate. Of course, it made things hugely worse.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 144
I agree -- see a doctor! (Lucky you're in Canada!) I have depression also, and have been treated for "dual diagnosis" -- depression with alcohol abuse. They're a bad mix!!
I take anti-depressants and alcohol just counteracts them, so they don't work. (Because, as I'm sure you know, alcohol is a depressant.) Really, when I drink it's like I'm self-indulging in introspection and I ruminate... It may feel good for a while (even great for a while) but eventually it brings me way down.
You say you're back to binging? Do you want to stop?
I take anti-depressants and alcohol just counteracts them, so they don't work. (Because, as I'm sure you know, alcohol is a depressant.) Really, when I drink it's like I'm self-indulging in introspection and I ruminate... It may feel good for a while (even great for a while) but eventually it brings me way down.
You say you're back to binging? Do you want to stop?
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: hemingford,nebraska
Posts: 1
Im new too but not to alcohol? go figure when I drink for 2 or 3 days thinking it's fun then suffer for days afterwords.The weird thing is when im sober I enjoy being sober but then like a vampire i start craving to get drunk.I have had bad things happen, but still keep going back to drink somemore.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Welcome to SR Geordie 
lots of good advice here.
I was a musician too - getting drunk/high was a daily way of life...I tried for years to drink like I saw other people drink, or 'manage' my drugs like everyone else seemed to - I always ended up in the same dark place, battered and beaten.
I spent twenty years trying to control something that clearly was very firmly in control of me.
It took a lot of hard work and commitment to leave all that behind and stay sober, but I've never been happier since I walked away from drink and drugs for good.
Use that great sponsor you have, Geordie
D
lots of good advice here.
I was a musician too - getting drunk/high was a daily way of life...I tried for years to drink like I saw other people drink, or 'manage' my drugs like everyone else seemed to - I always ended up in the same dark place, battered and beaten.
I spent twenty years trying to control something that clearly was very firmly in control of me.
It took a lot of hard work and commitment to leave all that behind and stay sober, but I've never been happier since I walked away from drink and drugs for good.
Use that great sponsor you have, Geordie
D
Egomaniac +Inferiority Complex
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: London, ON, Canada
Posts: 15
I sit here 4 deep into a 6-pack of tallboys...but i shall retort! As i'm sure most of us would?
I'm so grateful to everyone responding. Especially Lipitor...I've read through your most recent thread and it speaks volumes to me, especially how I've been feeling lately.
Yes, my depression is medicated...I've been on Pristiq for close to 9 months. And Cymbalta before that, and Fluoxetine before that. I just seem to have lost all enthusiasm for the sober way of life. Probably due to my depression getting the better of my thought-process, again. My sponsor, as mentioned earlier, is an absolute gift of a guy. Through his prior addictive-ways and intellectualism i can relate to him immensely. And he has still been faced with huge conflicts in his life, being gay and married to a man has been a massive topic for him, being a man of the Church n'all.
I DO want to live a sober life, I really enjoyed the short-lived experience I had. But boredom, negative thoughts, and my environment in general, lead me to drinking again. My sponsor is one of 3 or 4 people in my life whom totally understand, and relate to, what I am up against. The other are students in the College where I work, in our Addictions & Mental Health Worker program. And I've slept with one of them, after my separation, which makes my old home group awkward! My friends in Canada, even in England, empathize with my situation but do not understand it. Even my dad was GLAD and somewhat relieved when I went back out. Way more than when i announced I was attending AA. I know I do not suffer from the morning-night alcohol addiction (yet?) but still, drinking had contributed very little, if anything, to what I hold dear.
I also have been waaaaaaaaay too promiscuous since separating, and dabbled in drugs more than I ever promised myself I would. I have a massive void which needs filling, something I did address in previous Psychotherapy, and I am very aware at least of its' existence. AA helped me a lot, as did my sponsor's mission to re-direct me. He thinks I am experiencing a 'Spiritual Crisis'. Indeed I may be. All I know is I cannot go on like this.
I'm so grateful to everyone responding. Especially Lipitor...I've read through your most recent thread and it speaks volumes to me, especially how I've been feeling lately.
Yes, my depression is medicated...I've been on Pristiq for close to 9 months. And Cymbalta before that, and Fluoxetine before that. I just seem to have lost all enthusiasm for the sober way of life. Probably due to my depression getting the better of my thought-process, again. My sponsor, as mentioned earlier, is an absolute gift of a guy. Through his prior addictive-ways and intellectualism i can relate to him immensely. And he has still been faced with huge conflicts in his life, being gay and married to a man has been a massive topic for him, being a man of the Church n'all.
I DO want to live a sober life, I really enjoyed the short-lived experience I had. But boredom, negative thoughts, and my environment in general, lead me to drinking again. My sponsor is one of 3 or 4 people in my life whom totally understand, and relate to, what I am up against. The other are students in the College where I work, in our Addictions & Mental Health Worker program. And I've slept with one of them, after my separation, which makes my old home group awkward! My friends in Canada, even in England, empathize with my situation but do not understand it. Even my dad was GLAD and somewhat relieved when I went back out. Way more than when i announced I was attending AA. I know I do not suffer from the morning-night alcohol addiction (yet?) but still, drinking had contributed very little, if anything, to what I hold dear.
I also have been waaaaaaaaay too promiscuous since separating, and dabbled in drugs more than I ever promised myself I would. I have a massive void which needs filling, something I did address in previous Psychotherapy, and I am very aware at least of its' existence. AA helped me a lot, as did my sponsor's mission to re-direct me. He thinks I am experiencing a 'Spiritual Crisis'. Indeed I may be. All I know is I cannot go on like this.
Egomaniac +Inferiority Complex
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: London, ON, Canada
Posts: 15
RE: above
(It wouldn't let me 'post a link' since I am under 15 posts)
Well, I know my friends' habits are not in agreement with the life I want to live, but my ignorant-drunk void-filling self loves them (and they are 90% of the people I know.)
As for my Dad, that's a thread in itself. I love him immensely, and he has influenced the person I am today more than any one single person, but he's my Dad. I am aware of his inefficiencies, and acknowledge my seeing him as a negative role model, but 'leaving him behind' is a redundant topic. As for my friends, I know I can always find 'new ones', but I am drawn to people I relate to. I cannot relate to those living sober, as yet.
(It wouldn't let me 'post a link' since I am under 15 posts)
Well, I know my friends' habits are not in agreement with the life I want to live, but my ignorant-drunk void-filling self loves them (and they are 90% of the people I know.)
As for my Dad, that's a thread in itself. I love him immensely, and he has influenced the person I am today more than any one single person, but he's my Dad. I am aware of his inefficiencies, and acknowledge my seeing him as a negative role model, but 'leaving him behind' is a redundant topic. As for my friends, I know I can always find 'new ones', but I am drawn to people I relate to. I cannot relate to those living sober, as yet.
Egomaniac +Inferiority Complex
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: London, ON, Canada
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by CarolD 
Welcome to SR....
I've yet to meet anyone who told me they were proud and pleased they had drinkers for parents.
all my best to you and your girls..
I've yet to meet anyone who told me they were proud and pleased they had drinkers for parents.
all my best to you and your girls..
I'm proud of my background, period. Growing up in Newcastle and with my family has given my many more positive attributes than it has negative. I believe my mental illness is more of a contributory factor to my Alcoholism than how I was nurtured. Though I do appreciate your feedback, and would appreciate more.
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