sooo ready to chuck it all away...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 47
sooo ready to chuck it all away...
I mean, why bother at this point? I'm too far gone. Lost most of what I hold dear...family, friends, house, car, job, self respect, bankruptcy, forclosure, divorce preceedings, children taken away...my children are gone. They are with their dad. He left and took them with him. Didn't get far in court because I never showed up, was a result of active drinking.
I have gone from a suburban, upper middle class, working, professional, soccar mom to a rough, bitter, ghetto-dwelling in a stinky apartment with psychotic house-mate, unemployed, hungry, terrible estranged mother to my kids. I hardly ever see them.
And I keep screwing up. Last drink was Wed morning, from what I can recall. My mind is shot, memory patchy, and I have so many regrets. I miss my children, my house, my backyard patio, kids playing on the swingset...my happy family gone, gone, gone. My children have suffered so, and they are so little.
When I dont drink, all I do is cry, can't sleep, and remember (remorsefully) those happy days at home before all hell broke loose and I lost total control of my drinking.
I have gone from a suburban, upper middle class, working, professional, soccar mom to a rough, bitter, ghetto-dwelling in a stinky apartment with psychotic house-mate, unemployed, hungry, terrible estranged mother to my kids. I hardly ever see them.
And I keep screwing up. Last drink was Wed morning, from what I can recall. My mind is shot, memory patchy, and I have so many regrets. I miss my children, my house, my backyard patio, kids playing on the swingset...my happy family gone, gone, gone. My children have suffered so, and they are so little.
When I dont drink, all I do is cry, can't sleep, and remember (remorsefully) those happy days at home before all hell broke loose and I lost total control of my drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
If your children are little, the sooner you are able to take control of your life in a positive direction, the better the chances that you will be able to develop a positive relationship with them in time. It is tough to believe in yourself after you have made so many mistakes, but even just reaching out is a huge step to begin with. You are only too far gone if you say you are. Good luck, and keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
You have just given a long list of how your life is unmanageable due to your drinking yet you want to chuck it all and give up? Seriously? You can pick up the pieces of your life if you put the plug back in the jug and commit to not drinking no matter what.
The alternative should you actually choose to give up is more problems and more pain and misery for you and your kids and all who love you. Think about that hard then decide what it is going to be. You have seen this side already and it will only get worse.
I hope you will choose to hang in there.
Best wishes.
The alternative should you actually choose to give up is more problems and more pain and misery for you and your kids and all who love you. Think about that hard then decide what it is going to be. You have seen this side already and it will only get worse.
I hope you will choose to hang in there.
Best wishes.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
There are people out there that have lost even more than that but they have not given up. Our disease loves to keep us in the negative coulda,woulda,shoulda but the bottom line is you can get off this insane merry go round anytime you choose to. My 1st year around AA I was told to write a gratitude list every day because the bottom line is it can always be worse.
Instead of looking at what you don't have try looking at what you do have.
Your kids need a sober mother so if you can't do it for yourself right now then do it for them.
I know the pain you are in but sitting in all that ick is what keeps us drinking.
This can be your bottom and you never ever have to drink again, even if you want to.
Instead of looking at what you don't have try looking at what you do have.
Your kids need a sober mother so if you can't do it for yourself right now then do it for them.
I know the pain you are in but sitting in all that ick is what keeps us drinking.
This can be your bottom and you never ever have to drink again, even if you want to.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Pinkroses,
It sounds like you need some help to get your life back. Can you go inpatient for your depression and alcohol issues? It may not seem like it right now, but I think you can get your life in better shape with some help. Please give yourself a chance. Your kids need you.
Love,
Lenina
It sounds like you need some help to get your life back. Can you go inpatient for your depression and alcohol issues? It may not seem like it right now, but I think you can get your life in better shape with some help. Please give yourself a chance. Your kids need you.
Love,
Lenina
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Alcohol will tell us we're not worth anything, that we might as well just keep drinking and accept our fate, we're hopeless etc......
But there's some part of you that's managed to stay sober since Wednesday and has had sober time before. There some part of you that posted, that misses your children and remember what life was like before alcoholism. Listen to that part......
If you stay sober, eventually you'll stop crying, you'll get stronger, you'll be able to be with your kids. It WILL happen - it's just a matter of time. You're starting from scratch..... but like newby said, it could be worse. I'm praying for you......
But there's some part of you that's managed to stay sober since Wednesday and has had sober time before. There some part of you that posted, that misses your children and remember what life was like before alcoholism. Listen to that part......
If you stay sober, eventually you'll stop crying, you'll get stronger, you'll be able to be with your kids. It WILL happen - it's just a matter of time. You're starting from scratch..... but like newby said, it could be worse. I'm praying for you......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 259
Oh , I so understand where you are at.
I had it all, cars , holiday houses, money , children.
And threw it all away because of the booze.
I thought it was ME
It wasnt
It was alcohol.
I drank two nights ago (no excuses)
And was given a sharp painful reminder the next day , of where I was and where I had come from
Last night my 23 yo daughter came and sat , We played the piano together , she sang, I tried to sing LOL , and we had a lovely night.
I never saw my three girls for some time .
I relate to pretty much everything you wrote in your first post.
Life is so much better for me EVEN AFTER ONLY A FEW WEEKS>
Stay on the forum if you want to .
It helped me alot to read your post...Thank you .
L
I had it all, cars , holiday houses, money , children.
And threw it all away because of the booze.
I thought it was ME
It wasnt
It was alcohol.
I drank two nights ago (no excuses)
And was given a sharp painful reminder the next day , of where I was and where I had come from
Last night my 23 yo daughter came and sat , We played the piano together , she sang, I tried to sing LOL , and we had a lovely night.
I never saw my three girls for some time .
I relate to pretty much everything you wrote in your first post.
Life is so much better for me EVEN AFTER ONLY A FEW WEEKS>
Stay on the forum if you want to .
It helped me alot to read your post...Thank you .
L
Last edited by Lipitor; 05-08-2011 at 12:51 AM. Reason: spelling mistake again
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by artsoul 
Alcohol will tell us we're not worth anything, that we might as well just keep drinking and accept our fate, we're hopeless etc......
But there's some part of you that's managed to stay sober since Wednesday and has had sober time before. There some part of you that posted, that misses your children and remember what life was like before alcoholism. Listen to that part......
If you stay sober, eventually you'll stop crying, you'll get stronger, you'll be able to be with your kids. It WILL happen - it's just a matter of time. You're starting from scratch..... but like newby said, it could be worse. I'm praying for you......
But there's some part of you that's managed to stay sober since Wednesday and has had sober time before. There some part of you that posted, that misses your children and remember what life was like before alcoholism. Listen to that part......
If you stay sober, eventually you'll stop crying, you'll get stronger, you'll be able to be with your kids. It WILL happen - it's just a matter of time. You're starting from scratch..... but like newby said, it could be worse. I'm praying for you......
Great words, "listen to that part".
Great advice.
artsoul.. You have an eloquent way with words.
L
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Sorry to be so blunt, but here is what you need to do:
1. Call an alcoholic treatment center (while away from the psychotic roommate) and arrange to get yourself into a detox. No one can make the call for you - you must do it.
2. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps, and get there. At a minimum, you can go to the emergency room and tell them you are sick from alcohol.
Having done this myself, I can assure you there is nothing to fear. It will be the smartest move you will ever make in your life!
Doesn't matter what you have coming up that may prevent you from doing this (fear of losing a job, what will people say, who's going to take care of my dog or cats, gotta be in court tomorrow, no insurance) FORGET IT. That will all iron out, and the treatment center will help you with all of this.
It is simple, but not easy. Just do it.
I did this many many years ago, and it changed my life. You are not the first, nor unfortunately, the last one to walk through those doors.
Work toward sobriety and listen to everything they recommend for you.
The choice is simple - work to recover what has already been lost, but in an even better way, or keep on losing.
There's only one choice here.....I wish you strength and clarity of purpose!
Please make the call.
1. Call an alcoholic treatment center (while away from the psychotic roommate) and arrange to get yourself into a detox. No one can make the call for you - you must do it.
2. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps, and get there. At a minimum, you can go to the emergency room and tell them you are sick from alcohol.
Having done this myself, I can assure you there is nothing to fear. It will be the smartest move you will ever make in your life!
Doesn't matter what you have coming up that may prevent you from doing this (fear of losing a job, what will people say, who's going to take care of my dog or cats, gotta be in court tomorrow, no insurance) FORGET IT. That will all iron out, and the treatment center will help you with all of this.
It is simple, but not easy. Just do it.
I did this many many years ago, and it changed my life. You are not the first, nor unfortunately, the last one to walk through those doors.
Work toward sobriety and listen to everything they recommend for you.
The choice is simple - work to recover what has already been lost, but in an even better way, or keep on losing.
There's only one choice here.....I wish you strength and clarity of purpose!
Please make the call.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Are you tired of fighting alcohol? Give up. Surrender. Alcohol whipped your ass, just like it did mine. Accept your defeat. Oddly, in AA this is one of the things we do to get better. We surrender to win. But we can't do it alone. If it were that simple there would be no need for AA, addiction doctors, or the rehab industry.
Have you tried an AA meeting or read the AA big book?
Have you tried an AA meeting or read the AA big book?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
(Pinkroses)
That is exactly what your addiction wants you to think.
You are not done trying until you are six feet under.
People have come back from worse.
Your children etc are not gone.
They are safe and being taken care of.
You can take this time of being free of responsibility to get help and kick this evil, destructive, hideous monster that is addiction.
Getting sober is hard, but what could be harder than this?
Take a great big bite of humility and reach out for help.
All the people who love you, still love you.
It is NOT possible to have a relationship with someone who is systematically destroying themselves in front of you while you can do nothing but stand idly by.
They did not start to suffer the day you lost your family. That was the END result for them.
You and you alone can turn this around.
It is hard to feel alone, but remember, the satisfaction and joy will be all yours when you succeed.
I go to AA and have experienced little miracles. It is far from perfect, but it is perfect for me. They don't shoot their wounded. I have tried to get help from "normies" to no avail. A room full of crazy, chainsmoking drunks got me 6 months sober.
What are you still doing here? You have work to do! Go!
Oh, and it is one day at a time. Didn't eff-up overnight, won't fix it overnight. Babysteps.
That is exactly what your addiction wants you to think.
You are not done trying until you are six feet under.
People have come back from worse.
Your children etc are not gone.
They are safe and being taken care of.
You can take this time of being free of responsibility to get help and kick this evil, destructive, hideous monster that is addiction.
Getting sober is hard, but what could be harder than this?
Take a great big bite of humility and reach out for help.
All the people who love you, still love you.
It is NOT possible to have a relationship with someone who is systematically destroying themselves in front of you while you can do nothing but stand idly by.
They did not start to suffer the day you lost your family. That was the END result for them.
You and you alone can turn this around.
It is hard to feel alone, but remember, the satisfaction and joy will be all yours when you succeed.
I go to AA and have experienced little miracles. It is far from perfect, but it is perfect for me. They don't shoot their wounded. I have tried to get help from "normies" to no avail. A room full of crazy, chainsmoking drunks got me 6 months sober.
What are you still doing here? You have work to do! Go!
Oh, and it is one day at a time. Didn't eff-up overnight, won't fix it overnight. Babysteps.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Il
Posts: 144
Pinkroses. I am very sorry to hear about your situation. If you are ready and it sounds like you are. go to google, look up AA meetings in your area, and go. you will be suprised how many people there will truly understand your story. There is a great deal of comfort in people suffering the same thing helping each other.
Good luck and God Bless.
Good luck and God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 200
Pinkroses, so long as you have a heartbeat, you have hope.
Feel your pulse, your heart inside you.
Many people who you have never met here have presented some good ideas. Choose your path....
You have a cheering section.
Find your kernels of strength.
Feel your pulse, your heart inside you.
Many people who you have never met here have presented some good ideas. Choose your path....
You have a cheering section.
Find your kernels of strength.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I am sorry for all you have lost and wish you the gift of hope. The only thing more depressing for your kids to have an alcoholic mother is to have a dead alcoholic mother.
You can get out of this horror. People have crawled out of worse. Please reach out for help.
You can get out of this horror. People have crawled out of worse. Please reach out for help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
I don't see any reasons to give up—just a lot of very good reasons to fight.
We can't go back, but we can move forward. Even if you can't get back to that patio, you can get somewhere. Maybe sitting with your kids at a piano like Lipitor. Maybe just sitting on a couch, or walking in a park, laughing with them. It could take some time—there could be lots of phone calls and court dates in between, rebuilding trust one small step at a time. There will be some lonely days too. It takes work. But it can be done. In fact it almost certainly will happen—everyone wants to see children and moms together, from judges to the kids themselves—but only if you get sober and stay sober.
That is the only thing keeping you from happiness and love. The only thing. It takes work, and you can't fix everything overnight. But every morning you can wake up knowing you're one day closer.
Find an AA meeting or another form of support. Spend every spare hour here. You can do it. You have to do it. Because if it doesn't get better, it's going to get worse (yes, it really can get worse).
This day is probably especially hard. But you could be living a completely different life by next Mother's Day. Believe it. And then do whatever it takes to make it happen.
We can't go back, but we can move forward. Even if you can't get back to that patio, you can get somewhere. Maybe sitting with your kids at a piano like Lipitor. Maybe just sitting on a couch, or walking in a park, laughing with them. It could take some time—there could be lots of phone calls and court dates in between, rebuilding trust one small step at a time. There will be some lonely days too. It takes work. But it can be done. In fact it almost certainly will happen—everyone wants to see children and moms together, from judges to the kids themselves—but only if you get sober and stay sober.
That is the only thing keeping you from happiness and love. The only thing. It takes work, and you can't fix everything overnight. But every morning you can wake up knowing you're one day closer.
Find an AA meeting or another form of support. Spend every spare hour here. You can do it. You have to do it. Because if it doesn't get better, it's going to get worse (yes, it really can get worse).
This day is probably especially hard. But you could be living a completely different life by next Mother's Day. Believe it. And then do whatever it takes to make it happen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 47
Better Today
I just wanted to thank each and every one of you that took the time to respond, I will lookfrequently your replies to give me the strength to go to any length to maintain my sobriety and get my life back.
I thought about going back into rehab. In the past 2 years I have been a frequent flier through the veterans system of detoxes/inpatients and residential rehabs. Today I want to do this and hold on to what little I have left, my belongings and my car. If I do go inpatient I would lose it all and be back to square one when I got out. I am in outpatient couseling once a week. I just got back from a meeting, which was very helpful.
I also saw my kids today which was wonderful.
Thank you, I will keep fighting the good fight, and will post more on my progress. I hope it helps others as much as you all have helped me today.
I thought about going back into rehab. In the past 2 years I have been a frequent flier through the veterans system of detoxes/inpatients and residential rehabs. Today I want to do this and hold on to what little I have left, my belongings and my car. If I do go inpatient I would lose it all and be back to square one when I got out. I am in outpatient couseling once a week. I just got back from a meeting, which was very helpful.
I also saw my kids today which was wonderful.
Thank you, I will keep fighting the good fight, and will post more on my progress. I hope it helps others as much as you all have helped me today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I'm sorry you are struggling right now Pinkroses. But I found while I drank everyone basically danced around me and lived life. I, on the other hand, sunk into a miserable existance and it was very hard to climb out. Once you stop drinking it gets easier because your mind is clear. Really, that's half the battle. Now it is still fuzzy and everything is overwhelming.
What I did was make a list...prioritize. What do you really want first? Sobriety? Then do what is necessary to reach that goal. What's next on the list? A job, perhaps? Start searching. I found a good job and it has done wonders for my mind and soul. I am a completely different person.
Move on down your list and take it one day at a time...it does fall into place once you start piecing it back to together. Patience and Time will be your best friends now.
What I did was make a list...prioritize. What do you really want first? Sobriety? Then do what is necessary to reach that goal. What's next on the list? A job, perhaps? Start searching. I found a good job and it has done wonders for my mind and soul. I am a completely different person.
Move on down your list and take it one day at a time...it does fall into place once you start piecing it back to together. Patience and Time will be your best friends now.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
When my drinking turned me into a depressed woman I detested
I committed myself to AA recovery.....
It's been working really well for me for years.
Hope this will be your final go round with alcohol
I committed myself to AA recovery.....
It's been working really well for me for years.
Hope this will be your final go round with alcohol
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