I don't know where to post this.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Can't seem to find the "hug" smilie...... but am sending you a hug and a prayer..... I've had days like that (going through a bit of a down time right now too).
Most of us have those times I think, when our emotions seem unbearable and we can't see any way out. But just because we can't see an end to it, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. Give yourself some time to find solutions and get help. Your feelings are not the totally of you……. feelings are something you have/go through, not what you are. You are more than what you are feeling right now.
I wonder if you could use the first 2-3 steps on it........ (Like realizing your emotions are unmanageable and turning them over to your HP).....
Glad you posted Howdy..... and I know the people here really DO care.....
Most of us have those times I think, when our emotions seem unbearable and we can't see any way out. But just because we can't see an end to it, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. Give yourself some time to find solutions and get help. Your feelings are not the totally of you……. feelings are something you have/go through, not what you are. You are more than what you are feeling right now.
I wonder if you could use the first 2-3 steps on it........ (Like realizing your emotions are unmanageable and turning them over to your HP).....
Glad you posted Howdy..... and I know the people here really DO care.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I thought people didn't really care either for a time. I thought I'd end up drowning in whisky river and no one stop to even throw me a life preserver. Why should they? I'm not worth it. Who cares?
I would ignore people, not look them in the eye, not much of a personality when I was in the middle of having my drink on. I thought I had a huge sign on my back reading "Been drinking for years, screwed up my life, family is disgusted with me -so what do you care?"
I soon realized when I quit that people are more concerned for your well being than you want to believe. It is part of human nature of help, care and feel compassion towards others. Especially in a time of need. It is still hard for me to accept the concern and care people offer. I have always been very independant and why do I need someone to care. I'm fine, I don't need your concern. Boy, waas I wrong...
The more I give the more I get, the more I smile, the more smiles I receive, the more I lend a hand the more people are eager to help me.
Hopefully, your day went better after your meetings -let us now what happened. We are thinking about you and anyone on this board that posts cares.
I would ignore people, not look them in the eye, not much of a personality when I was in the middle of having my drink on. I thought I had a huge sign on my back reading "Been drinking for years, screwed up my life, family is disgusted with me -so what do you care?"
I soon realized when I quit that people are more concerned for your well being than you want to believe. It is part of human nature of help, care and feel compassion towards others. Especially in a time of need. It is still hard for me to accept the concern and care people offer. I have always been very independant and why do I need someone to care. I'm fine, I don't need your concern. Boy, waas I wrong...
The more I give the more I get, the more I smile, the more smiles I receive, the more I lend a hand the more people are eager to help me.
Hopefully, your day went better after your meetings -let us now what happened. We are thinking about you and anyone on this board that posts cares.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 40
Hey all.
My day was still rough after my meetings but I managed to calm my thoughts a little bit ago. Not to say I feel better but I'm not as impulsive and irrational right now. I wrote down in my little alcohol journal my thoughts at the end of the day. I figured I would share with y'all...I'm glad I wrote it. I need to read it when I feel like I have the past two days and nights, if only for a reminder that I am a rational, logical, intelligent human being.
10:18PM
Woah. Mentally, an insane day. Once my morning starts with thoughts like that the day can only get worse. And it did. I'm getting hookah with friends later and managed to calm my thoughts a few hours ago.
I made a doctor's appointment. If I'm going to take care of myself by not drinking I need to help my mental illness too. As much I hate meds to "fix" myself, I need them. I'm going to take them like I'm supposed to this time. I talked to dad a lot about it tonight and he had the exact same feelings since 15 until he went to a doctor. I expressed my concern over the idea of "normal." Who's to say what the definition of normal is? A society's definition of normal isn't what matters. What matters is how you feel and whether it works for you or not.
Always on edge, no sleep, hearing voices, paranoia, crying or on the verge of tears. Damn, I can't even order a sandwich without swallowing the lump in my throat. The alcohol masked these feelings. I've ignored them for so long and now they're back a million times stronger than ever before. It's as if I've discovered the darkest abyss of my mind and can't get out. Can't even fathom a way to get out. I can either sit down here or try to climb. If I do the first I will kill myself, there's no doubt in my mind about that.
I've never had complete mental breakdowns like this before. Irrational, impulsive actions. Falling to the floor in total and consuming agony. Punching myself in the head, the back, anywhere. Just for some release of emotion, even though rationally I know that's not the way to deal with this. I can't explain the need I have to hurt myself physically when I go to that indescribably dark place.
But no matter how hard I hit myself, how hard I punch walls, only death seems like the appropriate amount of pain to inflict upon myself.
My hope for taking the new medicine is that one day I'll wake up and not want to kill myself. One day I'll just have a normal, okay day. One day I can write in here simply, "Today was okay."
My day was still rough after my meetings but I managed to calm my thoughts a little bit ago. Not to say I feel better but I'm not as impulsive and irrational right now. I wrote down in my little alcohol journal my thoughts at the end of the day. I figured I would share with y'all...I'm glad I wrote it. I need to read it when I feel like I have the past two days and nights, if only for a reminder that I am a rational, logical, intelligent human being.
10:18PM
Woah. Mentally, an insane day. Once my morning starts with thoughts like that the day can only get worse. And it did. I'm getting hookah with friends later and managed to calm my thoughts a few hours ago.
I made a doctor's appointment. If I'm going to take care of myself by not drinking I need to help my mental illness too. As much I hate meds to "fix" myself, I need them. I'm going to take them like I'm supposed to this time. I talked to dad a lot about it tonight and he had the exact same feelings since 15 until he went to a doctor. I expressed my concern over the idea of "normal." Who's to say what the definition of normal is? A society's definition of normal isn't what matters. What matters is how you feel and whether it works for you or not.
Always on edge, no sleep, hearing voices, paranoia, crying or on the verge of tears. Damn, I can't even order a sandwich without swallowing the lump in my throat. The alcohol masked these feelings. I've ignored them for so long and now they're back a million times stronger than ever before. It's as if I've discovered the darkest abyss of my mind and can't get out. Can't even fathom a way to get out. I can either sit down here or try to climb. If I do the first I will kill myself, there's no doubt in my mind about that.
I've never had complete mental breakdowns like this before. Irrational, impulsive actions. Falling to the floor in total and consuming agony. Punching myself in the head, the back, anywhere. Just for some release of emotion, even though rationally I know that's not the way to deal with this. I can't explain the need I have to hurt myself physically when I go to that indescribably dark place.
But no matter how hard I hit myself, how hard I punch walls, only death seems like the appropriate amount of pain to inflict upon myself.
My hope for taking the new medicine is that one day I'll wake up and not want to kill myself. One day I'll just have a normal, okay day. One day I can write in here simply, "Today was okay."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Howdy))) - I'm not a recovering alcoholic (crack was my thing) so I don't know what someone goes through in withdrawal.
I do care. The best friends I have, right now, are from SR...most of whom I've never met, several in different countries, but they've been there for me since I came here, 4 years ago.
We care for you, too.
I do hope you see a therapist soon. I understand the not wanting to take pills (have had to take something from PTSD) and I strongly resisted it. I used to be a nurse...lost that career thanks to addiction, but I felt like I was supposed to be able to just "Fix myself". Heck, that's what I did for a living...fix people (or at least try).
I finally had enough of feeling the way I did and reached out for help. It's not a weakness to ask for help, be it here, your dad, or a dr. It's actually a sign of strength.
I also don't really know the answer to "what is normal"...sigh. I do know that with the support of other RA's (recovering addict/alcoholics) and medication from an awesome dr. has brought me to a much better place. I still have my bad days...just the past few days, but they don't last.
I don't know if you know how many people DO care for you. Just here...some of us post, but there are a LOT of people who just read, send a special thought, hug, prayer your way. I lurked here for over a year, and I did that to the people who's posts I read.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I do care. The best friends I have, right now, are from SR...most of whom I've never met, several in different countries, but they've been there for me since I came here, 4 years ago.
We care for you, too.
I do hope you see a therapist soon. I understand the not wanting to take pills (have had to take something from PTSD) and I strongly resisted it. I used to be a nurse...lost that career thanks to addiction, but I felt like I was supposed to be able to just "Fix myself". Heck, that's what I did for a living...fix people (or at least try).
I finally had enough of feeling the way I did and reached out for help. It's not a weakness to ask for help, be it here, your dad, or a dr. It's actually a sign of strength.
I also don't really know the answer to "what is normal"...sigh. I do know that with the support of other RA's (recovering addict/alcoholics) and medication from an awesome dr. has brought me to a much better place. I still have my bad days...just the past few days, but they don't last.
I don't know if you know how many people DO care for you. Just here...some of us post, but there are a LOT of people who just read, send a special thought, hug, prayer your way. I lurked here for over a year, and I did that to the people who's posts I read.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Howdy))))) glad you are 'hanging in there' to the best of your ability.
Of course not, you 'self medicated' with alcohol. Now it is all out there, and you are RAW.
Something I learned fairly early in recovery is that no matter how my day starts off, I am FREE to START IT OVER ANY TIME THROUGHOUT the day that I want to. What that meant/means to me is that when I awaken with a 'pizz azz attitude' I can say WHOA I will not accept feeling this way all day, and I go do my 'daily readings' AGAIN and start my day over. It ususally works.
You are showing so many POSITIVES right now. Your willingness to post, your willingness to go to meetings, your willingness to connect face to face with other sober folks, your willingness to go to the DR and get HELP, etc
You are on the 'right' road!!!!!!
From Amy:
If you go check her 'old' posts, and then when she sought help, you will see her progress, ..................................... it was DRAMATIC!!!!!
In the meantime, we can help you stay focused here at SR and hopefully you can get into your Dr early next week.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I've never had complete mental breakdowns like this before.
Once my morning starts with thoughts like that the day can only get worse.
You are showing so many POSITIVES right now. Your willingness to post, your willingness to go to meetings, your willingness to connect face to face with other sober folks, your willingness to go to the DR and get HELP, etc
You are on the 'right' road!!!!!!
From Amy:
I finally had enough of feeling the way I did and reached out for help.
In the meantime, we can help you stay focused here at SR and hopefully you can get into your Dr early next week.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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