Babyblue

I wanted to post here though because I seem to be hitting a hard spot in my BF's recovery. He is inpatient rehab and has stopped all contact with me. It is a men's rehab and so they don't allow GF's, relationships, etc while the person is there. But the do allow them to write letters.

He wrote me a couple of times and then went completely silent. His last letter was full of love and caring so I've been waiting...... and waiting........ and waiting..... to hear from him again but 3 months have gone by since I heard from him.

I am handling it pretty well. I understand what the program is about in terms of not permitting relationships while they are there. But we were already close and he even wanted me to go down and visit (also against rules!). That never happened which is good because he risked a lot if I did do that. I want him to do what he has to but that he has completely shut me out is tough to handle or interpret.

Anywhoooo, I am stuck sometimes because I don't want to stop writing and leave him there but he has kind of left me here so I don't know what to do. Do I leave him alone? Stay in touch and act like we are still close? It is tricky. We were at a great spot before he went in. I am pretty baffled actually as to why he isn't even writing

I am in a great al-anon group so that has been helpful but when I do think about him, I get a wave of confusion as to how to handle this. I'd love to write as if we are still the same as when he went in but if he is pushing me away then I want to respect that too.

If anyone has been in an all men's program and has insight or suggestions, it would help me because I am sad today. Probably because it is Easter and he is there. In the beginning Id send candy and stuff which he loved but I stopped because he has gone silent. Not sure how to read that at all. I was hopeful that in time, as weeks passed, that he would write but he hasn't. I've been writing sometimes and still sounding supportive but maybe I should stop?

Dee74

Hi BB

I know we've spoken about this before.
3 months is a long time - have you written asking him whats going on...or don't they allow letters from you either?

D

Babyblue

I have written. Most of my letters have been supportive but I do wonder in them what is going on.

Then I realized I need to be more direct so in my last letter I tried to be but it is hard to ask and not feel like I am burdening him with my feelings you know? But this is really hurting me sometimes.

How should I ask? I struggle with being direct with him because he tends to hide from conflict or uncomfortable things. I know he is there, a pal of his who is contact told me he was doing 'well'. And they do allow my letters or at least they were at first. He also kept his cell and kept calling me (HUGE no -no in their program) then it stopped. Maybe he got caught and is too petrified to talk to me?

Makes me feel like I'm a 'problem' and I know I am not but it is a crummy feeling to sit with.

Dee74

I think your feelings are as important as his, BB

If you want to know, one way or the other - I think it's good to be honest and direct.
D

Eddiebuckle

I was in rehab that was coed in name only. We were not allowed to speak to members of the opposite sex, even though we shared the same dining room. I thought that was absurd, but in retrospect I do understand that relationships within a rehab setting are all but guaranteed to take focus from recovery.

Three months without a response is a long time, I'm sure you realize that. It's possible that he has broken contact to focus on his recovery. It's also possible that in the past three months he has decided that he does not want to continue a relationship with you for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Either way, it sounds like you have put your life and emotions on hold for him to your own detriment.

You said: "I am stuck sometimes because I don't want to stop writing and leave him there but he has kind of left me here so I don't know what to do. Do I leave him alone? Stay in touch and act like we are still close? It is tricky. We were at a great spot before he went in. I am pretty baffled actually as to why he isn't even writing." I don't mean to be harsh, but that seems awefully close to trying to control the situation. You should probably work on accepting that for whatever reason, there is no contact, and move on. Not a happy situation, but where you stand right now is worse IMO.

I can understand wanting closure. Maybe write one simple letter asking for a simple "yes, I'm interested in continuing a relationship after my recovery permits doing so" or "no, I'm not interested in continuing a relationship." If you haven't heard back from him in a reasonable amount of time (two weeks?), you have your answer.

Either way, go easy on yourself. Addicts and alcoholics seem to bring out the "save/nurture me" instinct in others. If this doesn't work out, please don't obsess about it; you're not the first to have experienced it, and you won't be the last. Just accept that romance doesn't always work according to plan. It's not personal, it's just life.

Babyblue

I read your respone Eddie and actually started crying (again!). I am pretty much at the place you described. And I know I cannot control the outcome. I don't think I will get an answer out of him though; he admitted in his last letter that he had such a hard time writing me, that writing me was very overwhelming to him.

I know he should be focused soley on his recovery and not on the 'outside' world. I am trying to not take anything personally. I am not doing myself any favors but obsessing or worrying, that is so true.

I wish I had some kind of chip I can plant in my brain so I won't think about him and miss him