doorinthefloor

I've been doing a lot of reading on the web about alcohol detoxing; the difference between dependency and addiction and chemical dependency; etc. There's a ton of info out there, and I want to know what to expect in the next day, week, and so on.

I had a close friend/roommate for six years, and a huge part of that friendship centered around drinking. Drinking during the afternoon, if we were both off from work and plenty of binge drinking. That friend moved away last year, but I continued drinking. I lived alone for a while and the behavior continued. I justified it. 2 months ago, I decided to live with my folks for a while to regroup - it had nothing to do with drinking at all. I'm a young professional, and within three weeks of moving, I secured a great job - got on my feet - but I still had that itch.

Despite the fact that my mother abhors drinking, I began getting creative about drinking in my own room in my own time. And this Friday night, after a night of hanging out with her sober until 10:30, I came up and poured myself a drink, knowing she was headed to bed. She stopped in, took a sip of my drink thinking it was ice water - but per usual at night - it was ice water with vodka. She was horrified.

Even working, I'm consuming a handle a week on my own. I'm doing great at work, I wake up fine, I feel overall... FINE!

I didn't think I had a problem. I was annoyed my mother took the sip and didn't leave me alone. I felt justified - I work; I feel successful; I don't wake up with hangovers. I'm not overweight. I exercise, eat well, and anyone who is interesting and creative has a little vice, right? Do I really need to police myself on this level?

Right now, I'm pretty much in a mandatory rehab. My mother claims she can smell the vodka actually emitted from me as I sleep, so it's not like I can continue "Sneaking" - it used to be an enabled party with my friend and when I lived alone.

So, I guess, is it really that bad? Is there a way I can stop looking at it like - the party is over.... the youngness and spontaneity of going for it done? I didn't drink in high school or college. It became a "there's always a reason to celebrate!" type thing - when I wasn't working or otherwise being productive.

I feel very lost in this process. I never would have called it a "problem" on my own, nevermind an addiction. I kind of think "I don't have a problem - I enjoy drinking!" But I guess I should take a look at this now. If I can pour two to three 10-count drinks on a weeknight.... how's this going to go?

Thanks for any feedback. For the little bit I've read, I've appreciated the candidness and the kind, helpful responses. I'm sure this isn't easier or harder for anyone who wants to break an alluring habit. It's going to involve a huge adjustment for me. Alcohol became = fun, vegge, chill me time. I know full well it's not normal for a 27 year old girl to drink alone, nevermind do 80 proof vodka every night averaging 20+ seconds of pouring. I just have to put this all together now.

My last drink was that fateful Friday night (2 days ago).

artsoul

Welcome to the forum, door...... I think any time the inability to drink is upsetting, we have to ask ourselves why it's so important to us. It sounds like you're at least willing to consider the possibility that you have a problem.

I enjoyed drinking for a long time before the misery set in, but looking back I was never one to be satisfied with one or two drinks (the moderate, healthy level). I was always successful in my life too, and was quite surprised when I first tried to stop drinking and couldn't.

So, I guess my question would be can you control your drinking? Not just here and there, but all the time? Is it the thing you look most forward to? For social drinkers, abstaining for a reason isn't a "huge adjustment" as you call it. So yes, I think you're wise to look at it.

This is a great place - glad you're here!

Dee74

Hi doorinthefloor

Welcome to SR.

I think anything we have to do in secret, or do habitually, could be a problem. Not wanting to give it up is a red flag too IMO.

and...20 seconds of pouring sounds like a massive drink to me.

Do you really think you're ok?

It's very hard to predict detox outcomes - there's a lot of individual factors in play. The best idea is always to see your doctor I think, especially if you've been drinking like you say....

that being said, we do have a thread with members experiences of detox....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

D

doorinthefloor

Thanks for the input. I'm going to see if I can take a break from drinking without it becoming something that bothers me.