Genjen

I think everyone listed mine...

Rusty Zipper

that never ending feeling of impending Doom!

thats always a real crowd pleaser

Zini

This is really an excellent thread. Reading it had me smiling bitterly along to almost everything listed. And it is immensely comforting to know I am not alone. Not only on my road towards recovery, but also in the feelings and foibles that brought each of us here. I thought, somehow, that my shame, humiliation, anxiety, drunken meanness and klutziness were unique to me: that I experienced these things only because I was a particularly bad person. Reading this reminds me: it was the alcohol. It was the addiction. You are no better or worse off than any other addict, and that's why the addiction has to, HAS to be kicked.
I think everyone covered my worst ones, but just as a personal exercise, I want to make my own list.
I will NOT miss:
- the obsessive thinking. Watching the level of alcohol recede in everyone else's glasses, knowing I am drinking faster than anyone else, but still willing them to down enough so that I could pour myself another drink without looking like too much of a glutton for alcohol. This could while away an entire evening - I would be so distracted by the sweaty-palmed NEED that I would tune out most of the conversation
- responding to passes from people I would never even consider sober
- the first flash of morning after a night of heavy drinking: that sudden lurch of the stomach, the buzzing in my body, and the immediate jolt of - oh god, wtf did I do/say last night?
- the terrible shame of the day after, compounded by a body so strung up, worn out and in pain I would alternate between praying, "just let me die" and "please, I'm not ready to go yet. I don't want to die from this"
- waking up STILL drunk the next morning, trying to avoid people so they wouldn't smell it on me
- cheating on my partner because my judgment was so off it seemed like "no big deal"
- the terror of seeing/running into people who had witnessed my behavior the night before. The fear that I would slip up and say something to make it obvious I could remember almost nothing. The equal fear that they would refer to some terrible thing I had said or done
- having to be brought home by someone because they feared I could not do it alone
- the blackouts. They greyouts. The feeling that someone had dug out whole chunks of my brain with a trowel
- the sadness in the eyes of people who love me. Their palpable sense of helplessness at what I was doing to myself
- the drunken injuries
- the self-loathing
- the abject terror that my brain and body were becoming unfamiliar to me
- the attacks of hypoglycemia, more and more frequent
- the lying. To others and to myself.

I could go on. I could go on and on, as I'm sure all of you could.
Thanks to Genie who started this thread, and to all of you who posted on here. Truly enlightening. Much love and luck to all.

guyinyvr

Humm

I won't miss

-obsessive thinking
-paranoia
-scheduling which store to buy from and when
-where to "hide" the stash
-mania by day 3
-loss of cognitive function
-inability to focus
-injuring myself again
-saying stupid stuff to people
-pontificating like a know it all to everyone when I knwo bupkus
-dreading closing time to buy more
-impatience on opening time to get more
-the inevitable insomnia and sipping to keep levels up
-the 4 dreaded horsemen arriving and lashing me good
-the run to the toilet and not making it and the mess/embarrasment
-no appetite and can't taste a darn thing anyways
-total disregard for others , even loved ones
-anxiety

Oh then the withdrawal

-the heaves
-the squirts
-the shakes
-the itches all over
-dried out skin and hair
-the insomnia big time
-the major fog head and can't even put a sentence together
-the overblown feeling my heart and BP will explode
-seeing my pulse on my wrist without even clenching it
-looking in the mirror and seeing a ghost of a person
-shame and guilt
-anxiety extreme
-sweats and chills till everything is soaked
-stinking like ammonia let alone like alcohol
-hyper sensitivity to smell and noise
-run down so that walking is a major task

Sheesh a ton more and lots already listed by lots of good folks who have walked the path.

I read and nod my head

Day 7 and sunshine and I feel human again.

least

I used to worry that I was leaving this legacy to my kids... I don't miss the self hatred and anxiety the most, but everything already said here is right on. Looking back now, I must have really hated myself to live like that.

Eddiebuckle

I won't miss the enduring self-deception that "this is temporary... I will be the real me, the person of substance with dreams and value to the world, tomorrow."

Glad I finally realized that there really is no such thing as tomorrow.

Genjen

I won't miss breaking bones. I could have broken my neck or back...tripping over SHOES of all thing!


Yeah...external pins drilled into and thru my bones for a week and a plate afterwards...

Maryjan

That sense of doom in the morning...dread, wondering what I have done. I love waking up feeling peaceful and proud.

notaloser

so many of the above...

"the spins"
laying on the couch instead of playing with the kids
drunken arguments with my husband
red and dry skin
realizing that i probably smelled like alcohol at the playground
telling myself what a loser i was every morning
eating anything and everything after having a bottle of wine, then throwing it up
watching my friends glasses at dinner
spending $10+ a glass at a restaurant, and having at least 3, and not even feeling a buzz, what a waste.

notaloser

oh and always being covered in bruises from stumbling

suic

-Passing out in public places and being reprimanded by security guards. Twice within a week.
-smelling like goat manure
-red eyes, constantly
- the tedious chore of going to the liquor store everyday
- being drunk at work
- fear that I'm going to keel over
- The constant, daily hellish misery

steepo

forgetting what a regular bowel movement feels like.
passing urine that looks like I have been taking vitamin B tablets, when I haven't.

I say this because I am very sober and the moment, and feel a flush of pride and satisfaction every time I go to the toilet.

ps good thread.

Genjen

omg that is the best lol

Jil

I look forward to being able to have an emotional, loving relationship with someone in the future without the worry of cheating on them because I have been unable to control the amount of drinking I did in one night. Huge weight lifted. I also won't miss people telling me before an event begins that I need to watch how much I drink so I won't embarrass them. Among many other things, of course.

StrongEnuf

I actually had a guy call me the next day and say WOW I can't beleive you fell asleep during that! I think I need to redeem myself..... URGH.... I didn't fall asleep I passed out and btw I don't even remember being in bed with you !!!!!

StrongEnuf

~Going into a grocery store with my head down, just incase anyone is there that may recognize me from the bar!
~Being reminded on facebook, how great it was to catch up with someone in person. But not remembering
~Random numbers on Keno tickets I can not explain to my husband
~Pretending I know how to dance ! ! !
~Getting a ride home from other people, then not actually making it home

Lipitor

The guilt, wondering where the last 20 years really went and what might have been different. I started drinking because I did not like being alone. The alcohol precipitates the very thing that we are afraid of . Whether I might have gone on to a masters degree , or even more specialised clinical work. I drank all through university 11 years of it, every day , even exam days.

Im looking forward to finding out who I really am .

L

jaaydee

I wont miss:
The black outs.
Not being able to stop after a glass or two until the bottle is finished even if i dont even really want to drink.
The drunk dialling.
The drunk texting.
The shame of checking my phone the next day & deleting anything incriminating so I dont have to deal with it.
Not wanting to face the people that I saw or spoke to.
Being embarrassed to go to work on the Monday incase i see anyone from the weekend.
Putting myself in dangerous situations.
Hating myself & the fact that i usually dont stop after just a couple of drinks.
Worrying that my friend & family wont like me.
Ruining potential relationships with great guys because i have said something terrible while drunk.
The money that i waste!
The lack of motivation to go to the gym & eat right.
The weight that i put on.
Wasting my weekends.
Being disgusted with myself..
Dull skin & eyes.

aussieblue

Most of what I wont miss is already listed but the one thing that kills me and I wont miss is the look in my husbands eyes when he comes home and finds me drunk AGAIN and I say I have only had one . My husband is a real mans man a tough Aussie guy and I bought him to tears with my drinking and I am so sorry for that I never want to see that look again.

Lifeislong

The constant worry--did I hde that bottle before I went to bed? Did my manager notice I was hungover as sh*( in our meeting. Could she smell alcohol? What happened on my 9PM work conference call? Was I slurring? Di my customers notice? Is my wife actually leaving this time? Wil I get to see my kids if I am an alcoholic? IDIOT moves at work...Constant numbness. Agree with others on having no idea what happened with iwfe the nightbefore--was I in trouble for saying something? And the list goes on