Did anybody quit for the first time, no relapse?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: The Great White North, eh? Beauty.
Posts: 159
No. I think that before now I was trying really hard to convince myself that I'd be able to moderate. I had this romantic vision of myself having a couple of glasses of wine with dinner like a normal person. If the glasses are large and bottle shaped - OK - that might be a more accurate picture.
I was afraid of the concept of NEVER HAVING A DRINK AGAIN.
I am still afraid for some reason, which is why I've really taken the 'one day at a time' thing to heart for the first time in my life.
I was afraid of the concept of NEVER HAVING A DRINK AGAIN.
I am still afraid for some reason, which is why I've really taken the 'one day at a time' thing to heart for the first time in my life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
I saw a show on TV, one of my rare indulgences into Stupidland watching "World's Stupidest something-or-other-inventions," and there was one "invention" that was a wineglass that held an ENTIRE BOTTLE of wine.
That would have been my choice when I was drinking, because I always wanted to have my OWN bottle, and it was MINE. I loved cold duck or any other kind of bubbly, and my husband could down a gallon of Carlo Rossi's before we would head to the store for more. We drank wine coffee cups while driving, so the police would think we were drinking COFFEE! Yeah, right.
We decided to quit together because, after a 20+ year drinking habit, we realized that our days had shrunk to "banker's hours." We never drank in the morning, but we HAD to be home by 3 to start drinking. We did that for quite awhile before realizing that it wasn't just the 3 o'clock thing, we wouldn't go ANYWHERE anymore. It was a comfort zone that had to end, because we were simply anesthetized to life at that point.
We just up and stopped one Monday, after a weekend of drinking (always more and earlier on the weekends). I bought my cold duck and put it in the fridge. I looked at it every day. For me, having it there actually stopped me from drinking -- when I got desperate, I would look at it and think, "Hey, there it is. I can have it any time I want." And I would make myself wait, just to MAKE SURE I really wanted it. Usually, after eating something and doing something else, the strong to pull to drink would pass.
It took a LONG time to stop craving ETOH, though. Every time I used to feel like crap, I would blame the alcohol. I began to realize that I was feeling LIFE again, and started to hear, see, touch, taste, and FEEL things I had not felt for many years. I felt like I had just come out of an Alzheimer's coma. They don't have comas, of course, and I am not making light of that disease, but that's what it felt like to me.
My husband does not have an "off" switch when he drinks. He never liked my bubbly stuff, so my bottle of cold duck did not bother him. But he used to LOVE to play pool and drink beer EVERY NIGHT, and he had to stop doing that.
So, sometimes it takes having to stop the activities you enjoyed before, if they always involved drinking. We found that to be true.
One day a few years ago, I had dinner at a restaurant that serves fancy teas with alcohol, and I had a strawberry one WITHOUT alcohol. At first I could have sworn there was something in it, and I asked the waitress just to make sure. I still would not trust myself with alcohol. So I just don't touch it. One drop, I think, and I would be BACK.
(if you read my mouthwash thing -- it was the grossest thing I ever did, and the alcohol made me feel sick -- or maybe it was something else in there. But, in my oxycodone withdrawal, I gotta tell you, it was the first time in YEARS I felt the urge to drink again.
Now, at 3 months clean from oxys, I no longer have ETOH cravings (that "addict brain" still lives in your head folks), and the oxycodone cravings seem to be gone, too.
Thank you, LAWD!
That would have been my choice when I was drinking, because I always wanted to have my OWN bottle, and it was MINE. I loved cold duck or any other kind of bubbly, and my husband could down a gallon of Carlo Rossi's before we would head to the store for more. We drank wine coffee cups while driving, so the police would think we were drinking COFFEE! Yeah, right.
We decided to quit together because, after a 20+ year drinking habit, we realized that our days had shrunk to "banker's hours." We never drank in the morning, but we HAD to be home by 3 to start drinking. We did that for quite awhile before realizing that it wasn't just the 3 o'clock thing, we wouldn't go ANYWHERE anymore. It was a comfort zone that had to end, because we were simply anesthetized to life at that point.
We just up and stopped one Monday, after a weekend of drinking (always more and earlier on the weekends). I bought my cold duck and put it in the fridge. I looked at it every day. For me, having it there actually stopped me from drinking -- when I got desperate, I would look at it and think, "Hey, there it is. I can have it any time I want." And I would make myself wait, just to MAKE SURE I really wanted it. Usually, after eating something and doing something else, the strong to pull to drink would pass.
It took a LONG time to stop craving ETOH, though. Every time I used to feel like crap, I would blame the alcohol. I began to realize that I was feeling LIFE again, and started to hear, see, touch, taste, and FEEL things I had not felt for many years. I felt like I had just come out of an Alzheimer's coma. They don't have comas, of course, and I am not making light of that disease, but that's what it felt like to me.
My husband does not have an "off" switch when he drinks. He never liked my bubbly stuff, so my bottle of cold duck did not bother him. But he used to LOVE to play pool and drink beer EVERY NIGHT, and he had to stop doing that.
So, sometimes it takes having to stop the activities you enjoyed before, if they always involved drinking. We found that to be true.
One day a few years ago, I had dinner at a restaurant that serves fancy teas with alcohol, and I had a strawberry one WITHOUT alcohol. At first I could have sworn there was something in it, and I asked the waitress just to make sure. I still would not trust myself with alcohol. So I just don't touch it. One drop, I think, and I would be BACK.
(if you read my mouthwash thing -- it was the grossest thing I ever did, and the alcohol made me feel sick -- or maybe it was something else in there. But, in my oxycodone withdrawal, I gotta tell you, it was the first time in YEARS I felt the urge to drink again.
Now, at 3 months clean from oxys, I no longer have ETOH cravings (that "addict brain" still lives in your head folks), and the oxycodone cravings seem to be gone, too.
Thank you, LAWD!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Originally Posted by Creekryder 
Very important point you made SSIL75, I had not thought of it that way. "Sacrifice" sets a negative tone while "winning" has a positive feel. Well worth pondering.
This has been a big thing for me. We aren't denying ourselves anything other than poison...I don't deny myself cyanide. If that makes any sense.
I never considered moderation...I knew it wasn't an option for me. That wine glass that could hold an entire bottle...unless it could hold 2 bottles it wasn't going to work for me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
And on the subject of large wine glasses. I have been drinking sparkling water with cranberry out of my wine glasses. I realized something really scary. My whole 19 oz bottle of Pelegrino fit into that ONE glass. It was a new moment of clarity for me to see that.
Failedtaper, thanks for your share.
Failedtaper, thanks for your share.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
So my question is did anybody ever quit the first time?
YES
and never go back?
NOT YET
How long have you been sober?
8 YRS.
Any other thoughts?
YES.
get actively involved in some sort of formal recovery program. Work one on one with someone who has applied that program/system/method for an extended period of time successfully. (not just kept sober, but changed)
YES
and never go back?
NOT YET
How long have you been sober?
8 YRS.
Any other thoughts?
YES.
get actively involved in some sort of formal recovery program. Work one on one with someone who has applied that program/system/method for an extended period of time successfully. (not just kept sober, but changed)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
I'd just like to participate in this interesting discussion with my two cents. I'm nearly six months sober, which is easy to say but doesn't describe how big a change it's meant for me.
Anyway, despite not attending meetings and doing enough 'work' on my recovery as I suspect I should, I think I'm now confident at least when it comes to spotting a relapse and thinking my way out of it before it happens. It doesn't take long, it's simply this:
If a relapse is when an alcoholic (or addict) begins to tell themselves that it might be OK to have a drink, that they can control it better now with a bit of sobriety under their belt, then thoughts usually turn to that first drink, the 'where', the 'when', the 'how' etc. That bad ol' obsession comes creeping back in, softly but surely. But now I'm able to a pause and ask myself this question:
If I wasn't an alcoholic, I probably wouldn't be fantasising about that drink as I am now; it wouldn't have the weight and value and purpose and importance that I am prescribing to it at this moment. If I wasn't an alcoholic then, of all the things that I could be preoccupied with right now, wherever my life is at, why is the thought of a drink so prevalent?
The only conclusion I can reach is what you truly know if you have accepted your condition. I'm an alcoholic.
Then I just follow the logic. So what's going to happen if I have that first drink? I'll almost certainly get drunk, as might our non-alcoholic. But the difference between us has been proved uncalculable times, indisputably, by collective wisdom, the science, the statistics, the common facts and, most importantly, through bitter, painful and humiliating personal experience. To an alcoholic That drink is going to lead to another and another and more and more until I'm in a world of pain that I've battled so long and hard to escape from. It'll be the agony familiar to -and specific to- alcoholics.
That drink ain't looking so good anymore, let me tell you. Me =1, relapse = 0.
I'm not saying this cocksure kind of logic will keep me sober the rest of my life. It's still early days for me, but it helps nonetheless. Ultimately what I'm saying is what step 1 in AA is all about. I'm pretty much on the fence about AA in general but I am right behind step 1.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become
unmanageable"
I truly believe that recovery, for me, only comes from accepting my condition. A relapse is when I'm in danger of forgetting that, wilfully or not.
Thanks, and peace to you in recovery.
Anyway, despite not attending meetings and doing enough 'work' on my recovery as I suspect I should, I think I'm now confident at least when it comes to spotting a relapse and thinking my way out of it before it happens. It doesn't take long, it's simply this:
If a relapse is when an alcoholic (or addict) begins to tell themselves that it might be OK to have a drink, that they can control it better now with a bit of sobriety under their belt, then thoughts usually turn to that first drink, the 'where', the 'when', the 'how' etc. That bad ol' obsession comes creeping back in, softly but surely. But now I'm able to a pause and ask myself this question:
If I wasn't an alcoholic, I probably wouldn't be fantasising about that drink as I am now; it wouldn't have the weight and value and purpose and importance that I am prescribing to it at this moment. If I wasn't an alcoholic then, of all the things that I could be preoccupied with right now, wherever my life is at, why is the thought of a drink so prevalent?
The only conclusion I can reach is what you truly know if you have accepted your condition. I'm an alcoholic.
Then I just follow the logic. So what's going to happen if I have that first drink? I'll almost certainly get drunk, as might our non-alcoholic. But the difference between us has been proved uncalculable times, indisputably, by collective wisdom, the science, the statistics, the common facts and, most importantly, through bitter, painful and humiliating personal experience. To an alcoholic That drink is going to lead to another and another and more and more until I'm in a world of pain that I've battled so long and hard to escape from. It'll be the agony familiar to -and specific to- alcoholics.
That drink ain't looking so good anymore, let me tell you. Me =1, relapse = 0.
I'm not saying this cocksure kind of logic will keep me sober the rest of my life. It's still early days for me, but it helps nonetheless. Ultimately what I'm saying is what step 1 in AA is all about. I'm pretty much on the fence about AA in general but I am right behind step 1.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become
unmanageable"
I truly believe that recovery, for me, only comes from accepting my condition. A relapse is when I'm in danger of forgetting that, wilfully or not.
Thanks, and peace to you in recovery.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
For me then getting to a point of where I am now at 20+ months sober required me to smash myself down to where I was mentally and emotionally beaten by booze. I used to say I was quitting for a good few years before I last had a drink, drug or smoke on 8th July 09. All of this inevitably lead to further demoralisation and all of the necessary mental, emotional and physical pain that I had to go through to reach the point where I wanted to get sober and stay sober more than i wanted to get f*cked up. For me I had to hit my personal rock bottom until I would totally accept to my innermost self that I'm an alcoholic and that to drink is to die and lose everything. Before I reached that point then that would sound untrue to me and overly dramatic, however I saw with absolute clarity that I'm an alcoholic and would die a totally hopeless one at that. The only outcome for me if I continued to take the first drink would be prison, homelessness, mental ward or death and I would be terribly unhappy too. I had to see this with absolute certainty until I was ready to do what it took me to remain gratefully sober 'one day at a time'. For me recovery is absolutely a 'one day at a time' deal. Some people don't like that approach and that's fair enough, but for this alkie then that's how it rolls.
I guess it boils down to the fact that you're only ready when you're ready, no sooner, no later and it takes what it takes to get you to that point.
Grateful to be sober and grateful to be an alcoholic.
Peace
I guess it boils down to the fact that you're only ready when you're ready, no sooner, no later and it takes what it takes to get you to that point.
Grateful to be sober and grateful to be an alcoholic.
Peace
Cause no harm
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
True, LeFemme, but in early stages we are denying ourselves of something that we (our addiction) need. The addicted brain does not look at whether it is good or bad, it just wants it. So anyway we can to instill a new way of thinking can be a positive tool in eradicating the booze brain's influence and replace it with clear thinking. Of course alcohol is poison and we need to realize it, but the power of positive thinking can be just as mighty of a recovery tool as an other path to sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Inafishbowl, the way I look at it, this is my first time quitting too. There were a couple of times when my thinking was along the lines of "Let's cut this out for a while" and the result was stopping for about 2 weeks (closer to that than 2 months, for sure). Those instances happened in the late 90s and early Y2K, and the line of everyday drinking had already been crossed. I gave it some thought back then, but not there wasn't that much emotional foundation supporting the idea.
Even though it seemed almost like a whim for an idea, there would have been more emotional foundation when I quit toward the end of 2009. The thinking then was like "I'm going to try to make this major life change, I may not get another chance at this, let's try it now and hang on." I haven't gone back since then. I don't have a lot of "relapse" stories to share when I'm on these message boards, because those earlier times I mentioned were not the same for me, unless you want to be technical about it.
Anyway, I don't know what my future holds. I don't see a return to drinking for me, I don't feel anything like that approaching. Negative things, yes, but it doesn't seem like it includes drinking this time.
I am familiar with the idea of fearing a relapse. I don't rush to attend parties where alcohol is present and where I can prove I can do all the same social things minus the drinking. But that's not a shaking in the boots kind of fear, it's more like a notion in practice that I shouldn't do certain things and don't need to do certain things and better not do certain things and why bother doing certain things? I don't race out of the grocery store if I think I smell booze on someone's breath at the cashier line, I just think "Ewww, not for me" or "Wait - oh, I know that is, not for me." There's a comfort there ALONGSIDE the sense of caution. I suppose it's like getting stung by a bee or hornet. I was stung right on the eye when I was little. I don't run away from them at all, but I also don't go looking for a nest or wherever they are hiding. So far, "drinking" is like the hornet sting I got right on the eye. Neither has happened again since the major event behind me.
There is a lot I consider shattered for me still, and I remember trying to coach a guy last year who, I guess, stopped using this site. He was talking about how much he had in control while he was still drinking and that ironically now everything was starting to fall apart. There's a bit of that happening for me in specific ways, so it's a nice irony indeed. But if I was able to quit drinking, then I guess I haven't finished rebuilding my strength if I let it bother me; because that quitting was a major change for me. There's still more of me to get to know. If I stopped maturing psychologically with the onset of clear alcoholism, then I guess after quitting I was picking up at about age 27, despite being 41.
I started out as more of a partier, but I wasn't a binge drinker in my "long haul"; I was the everyday type. Talking with the binge drinkers here can give you more insight; but then again, you might be feeling a lot of the same things I have felt. We drank differently but maybe we ended up at the same place when it was time to quit.
Sometimes when I think about my fear, I actually feel a reflex action of encouragement and grin, because I don't have to be afraid. Now that I don't drink anymore, I am still doing what I want - by myself, without the "medicine" to assist me! I made it this far and don't have to stop. That's a strength inside me that I found (or God put it there, whatever the case may be). Maybe you are getting used to where to look for it (what I am trying to describe) inside you. Accept the fears, but don't allow them to take over. Don't just think about things, do things. That helps too. You might speak about these fears a little differently in another 2 months, but enjoy credit earned in smaller increments (a la one day at a time, if you like) until then.
Even though it seemed almost like a whim for an idea, there would have been more emotional foundation when I quit toward the end of 2009. The thinking then was like "I'm going to try to make this major life change, I may not get another chance at this, let's try it now and hang on." I haven't gone back since then. I don't have a lot of "relapse" stories to share when I'm on these message boards, because those earlier times I mentioned were not the same for me, unless you want to be technical about it.
Anyway, I don't know what my future holds. I don't see a return to drinking for me, I don't feel anything like that approaching. Negative things, yes, but it doesn't seem like it includes drinking this time.
I am familiar with the idea of fearing a relapse. I don't rush to attend parties where alcohol is present and where I can prove I can do all the same social things minus the drinking. But that's not a shaking in the boots kind of fear, it's more like a notion in practice that I shouldn't do certain things and don't need to do certain things and better not do certain things and why bother doing certain things? I don't race out of the grocery store if I think I smell booze on someone's breath at the cashier line, I just think "Ewww, not for me" or "Wait - oh, I know that is, not for me." There's a comfort there ALONGSIDE the sense of caution. I suppose it's like getting stung by a bee or hornet. I was stung right on the eye when I was little. I don't run away from them at all, but I also don't go looking for a nest or wherever they are hiding. So far, "drinking" is like the hornet sting I got right on the eye. Neither has happened again since the major event behind me.
There is a lot I consider shattered for me still, and I remember trying to coach a guy last year who, I guess, stopped using this site. He was talking about how much he had in control while he was still drinking and that ironically now everything was starting to fall apart. There's a bit of that happening for me in specific ways, so it's a nice irony indeed. But if I was able to quit drinking, then I guess I haven't finished rebuilding my strength if I let it bother me; because that quitting was a major change for me. There's still more of me to get to know. If I stopped maturing psychologically with the onset of clear alcoholism, then I guess after quitting I was picking up at about age 27, despite being 41.
I started out as more of a partier, but I wasn't a binge drinker in my "long haul"; I was the everyday type. Talking with the binge drinkers here can give you more insight; but then again, you might be feeling a lot of the same things I have felt. We drank differently but maybe we ended up at the same place when it was time to quit.
Sometimes when I think about my fear, I actually feel a reflex action of encouragement and grin, because I don't have to be afraid. Now that I don't drink anymore, I am still doing what I want - by myself, without the "medicine" to assist me! I made it this far and don't have to stop. That's a strength inside me that I found (or God put it there, whatever the case may be). Maybe you are getting used to where to look for it (what I am trying to describe) inside you. Accept the fears, but don't allow them to take over. Don't just think about things, do things. That helps too. You might speak about these fears a little differently in another 2 months, but enjoy credit earned in smaller increments (a la one day at a time, if you like) until then.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
I started out as more of a partier, but I wasn't a binge drinker in my "long haul"; I was the everyday type. Talking with the binge drinkers here can give you more insight; but then again, you might be feeling a lot of the same things I have felt. We drank differently but maybe we ended up at the same place when it was time to quit.
My emotions are all over the place and my fears are irrational. Like I'm just gonna wake up drunk one day (yeah, right!). Sheesh, I look forward to that passing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 806
Originally Posted by Inafishbowl
This is my first time making a conscience decision to quit drinking. I keep telling myself that if I eff this up, it is going to be even harder the second time around. I am a binge drinker and I am terrified that I would be the one who doesn't wake up after a relapse. My relapse fears are huge and they're irrational, as if I'm going to wake up with someone pouring a bottle of wine down my throat, LOL.
So my question is did anybody ever quit the first time and never go back? How long have you been sober? Any other thoughts?
So my question is did anybody ever quit the first time and never go back? How long have you been sober? Any other thoughts?
This is my first time in recovery. Never picked up since...don't even miss it.
I've been clean and sober 12 years.
Proud Neonephalist
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Coast BC Canada
Posts: 1,141
Yes, this is my first go at sobriety (8.5 months woo-hoo ) after 33 years of gradually increasing alcohol consumption. I decided to step off the one-way downward slope of alcoholism when I was drinking to get drunk and having black-outs at least five times a week. I was fighting urges to drink at lunch time (I drive for part of my job) and I just knew that once I crossed that threshold, I'd soon be drinking in the mornings.
Understanding the physiological reasons for addiction and recovery, as well as visiting SR several times a day has been enough so far.
Don't give in to those urges originating from your limbic system, I know they can be pretty freaking insistent in the beginning! Each month sober has come with revelations and realizations, and it's true when the old-timers say it gets easier with time. Hang in there!!!
Murray
) after 33 years of gradually increasing alcohol consumption. I decided to step off the one-way downward slope of alcoholism when I was drinking to get drunk and having black-outs at least five times a week. I was fighting urges to drink at lunch time (I drive for part of my job) and I just knew that once I crossed that threshold, I'd soon be drinking in the mornings.Understanding the physiological reasons for addiction and recovery, as well as visiting SR several times a day has been enough so far.
Don't give in to those urges originating from your limbic system, I know they can be pretty freaking insistent in the beginning! Each month sober has come with revelations and realizations, and it's true when the old-timers say it gets easier with time. Hang in there!!!
Murray
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Oh, yes, I definitely see how people can be alcoholic in different ways - different quantities, frequencies, and other circumstances. One of the first things people assume is that it means drinking every day. Well, yes, sometimes. Another one is what time of the day do you start drinking. I had somebody ask me that not long ago, kind of defying the notion that I was alcoholic. There are different modes.
I can relate to the thing about worrying you would wake up drunk - even though my thing was everyday and not binge-style. For a while after quitting, there is a period of not feeling positive you know what happened the night before. I think it was mostly during the first 3 months for me. A lot of people here say they have "drinking dreams," but I think I have had more cases of "I didn't drink last night, did I?" when first waking up. I even checked for physical proof during the initial months that I wasn't lying to myself. I suppose that type of concern might be more pronounced with a binge drinker, I don't know. I can only guess it's part of the process of rebuilding trust and confidence in yourself. I think some people develop a mini-addiction to second-guessing themselves after quitting too in just about every way. Now that we are not trying to walk in a straight line while drunk, we are still trying to make sure we are doing everything correctly and worried about every other twitch. It's all tied to shame and lack of confidence, I think.
I can relate to the thing about worrying you would wake up drunk - even though my thing was everyday and not binge-style. For a while after quitting, there is a period of not feeling positive you know what happened the night before. I think it was mostly during the first 3 months for me. A lot of people here say they have "drinking dreams," but I think I have had more cases of "I didn't drink last night, did I?" when first waking up. I even checked for physical proof during the initial months that I wasn't lying to myself. I suppose that type of concern might be more pronounced with a binge drinker, I don't know. I can only guess it's part of the process of rebuilding trust and confidence in yourself. I think some people develop a mini-addiction to second-guessing themselves after quitting too in just about every way. Now that we are not trying to walk in a straight line while drunk, we are still trying to make sure we are doing everything correctly and worried about every other twitch. It's all tied to shame and lack of confidence, I think.
~ 5 ~
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 305
Originally Posted by Inafishbowl
So my question is did anybody ever quit the first time and never go back? How long have you been sober? Any other thoughts?
I have problems and issues and sometimes the thought of how just one sip would make it all go away is just that, a thought that is brutally ganged banged by all the good brain cells i do have left LOL
i think of that horrible feeling the day after drinking, i think of the gagging just get my teeth clean the embarrassing things i have done, the loose and reckless lifestyle that drinking makes sooo easy.
so far, yeah i havent relapse YET! i dont want to ever assume i wont!
i have a very sweet 90 yr old grandmother who prays for me every night, she has spent the last 90 years on this same planet as all of us and yet she has no clue the evil she has defeated.
sorry i ramble alot but anyone can quit thats easy, staying quit is the hard part, but seconds turn into minutes then hours,days,weeks,months and soon years are rolling by and now my baby girl is 8 now and has no memories of mommy drunk!!!
thanks for this thread and i lurk alot but will always holla back
krys
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
I was a 24/7 drinker. I was unemployable and had all the time in the world to drink. To say the least, my life had become unmanageable. My day consisted of planning my booze and drinking it, rinse repeat. Each day was the same. I was trapped in my self inflicted hell on earth. It was a horrific existence. I was scared and ashamed and stuck in the crazy cycle of alcoholic insanity. I knew if I didn't quit I would die. I wanted out so badly, but didn't know how to stop. I tried and tried, but failed. All I knew how to do was drink. Stopping was a foreign concept.
I worked a program, but didn't really give it my all. I was making an effort, but not giving everything I needed to stay sober and recover emotionally. I relapsed at 60 days. That had been the longest I had gone without a drink in 15+ years, but my goal was to quit drinking entirely.
I was very ashamed of my relapse and felt like such a disappointing failure. I had let everyone down, especially myself. I threw myself back into the program with my tail between my legs. I white knuckled it 30 days until I relapsed again. I was trying a bit harder, but not really doing everything I was supposed to or could do, hence the relapse.
Something happened during that 30 day time frame, between drinks, that I will never forget. As a result, I am sober today. My relapsed turned into a 9 day binge. I drank hard and heavy like I never drank before. It seemed as if my alcoholism had progressed to a degree that I never could fathom. Although I was sober for 30 days, I had become sicker.
You know that annoying saying about my disease is out in the parking lot doing push ups, yep, it was true for me. It scared the daylights out of me. Once I saw I was no match for my affliction, I finally got it and put forth the effort to stop fully.
I'm done drinking and I'm done for good. That experience carried so much realization with it, I shudder to think. All I can say is momentum. The disease builds momentum even though it sits dormant and waits. Scary, scary stuff...
If I take one more drink it may kill me or worse, I will slowly lose my soul as I watch everything slip away. I will have tossed aside everything I have re-gained over the years. Alcohol will take everything if you allow it. I allowed it to happen once and it won't happen again. I won't let it. The vision of where alcohol will take me is finally crystal clear.
I have never craved a drink since I made the ultimate decision to get serious and get sober. I reflect on where I was and where I am today each and every day. I am very grateful for the solution. My life hasn't been easy, but I have gotten through the difficult times sober and that is amazing to me.
I can do this. I never thought I could. I lived in utter fear every day, but the fear has gone and I just live life as it comes. I have faith and hope that things will work out and I know a drink will only destroy me. I don't drink. It is that simple. I had to get to that point on my own. No one could tell me, I had to live it.
Thankfully, I survived and I'm happy to have emerged from the darkness knowing what I know. Many people will never get it. I have had many friends and acquaintances die from the disease. That is why I feel like one of the lucky ones. I finally get/got it, once thinking there was no hope for me.
My relapse was nearly seven years ago. I'm not taking any chances of ever going back to those dark days. Now that I have had a taste of sober life, it is good and that is where I'm staying. Life is so much better sober. It is funny, there was a time I couldn't imagine a day without a drink. Now, I can't imagine a day with one. What a transformation. I guess that is living proof that people can change if they really want it badly enough. It isn't easy, but well worth the efforts.
I worked a program, but didn't really give it my all. I was making an effort, but not giving everything I needed to stay sober and recover emotionally. I relapsed at 60 days. That had been the longest I had gone without a drink in 15+ years, but my goal was to quit drinking entirely.
I was very ashamed of my relapse and felt like such a disappointing failure. I had let everyone down, especially myself. I threw myself back into the program with my tail between my legs. I white knuckled it 30 days until I relapsed again. I was trying a bit harder, but not really doing everything I was supposed to or could do, hence the relapse.
Something happened during that 30 day time frame, between drinks, that I will never forget. As a result, I am sober today. My relapsed turned into a 9 day binge. I drank hard and heavy like I never drank before. It seemed as if my alcoholism had progressed to a degree that I never could fathom. Although I was sober for 30 days, I had become sicker.
You know that annoying saying about my disease is out in the parking lot doing push ups, yep, it was true for me. It scared the daylights out of me. Once I saw I was no match for my affliction, I finally got it and put forth the effort to stop fully.
I'm done drinking and I'm done for good. That experience carried so much realization with it, I shudder to think. All I can say is momentum. The disease builds momentum even though it sits dormant and waits. Scary, scary stuff...
If I take one more drink it may kill me or worse, I will slowly lose my soul as I watch everything slip away. I will have tossed aside everything I have re-gained over the years. Alcohol will take everything if you allow it. I allowed it to happen once and it won't happen again. I won't let it. The vision of where alcohol will take me is finally crystal clear.
I have never craved a drink since I made the ultimate decision to get serious and get sober. I reflect on where I was and where I am today each and every day. I am very grateful for the solution. My life hasn't been easy, but I have gotten through the difficult times sober and that is amazing to me.
I can do this. I never thought I could. I lived in utter fear every day, but the fear has gone and I just live life as it comes. I have faith and hope that things will work out and I know a drink will only destroy me. I don't drink. It is that simple. I had to get to that point on my own. No one could tell me, I had to live it.
Thankfully, I survived and I'm happy to have emerged from the darkness knowing what I know. Many people will never get it. I have had many friends and acquaintances die from the disease. That is why I feel like one of the lucky ones. I finally get/got it, once thinking there was no hope for me.
My relapse was nearly seven years ago. I'm not taking any chances of ever going back to those dark days. Now that I have had a taste of sober life, it is good and that is where I'm staying. Life is so much better sober. It is funny, there was a time I couldn't imagine a day without a drink. Now, I can't imagine a day with one. What a transformation. I guess that is living proof that people can change if they really want it badly enough. It isn't easy, but well worth the efforts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Inafishbowl
This is my first time making a conscience decision to quit drinking. I keep telling myself that if I eff this up, it is going to be even harder the second time around. I am a binge drinker and I am terrified that I would be the one who doesn't wake up after a relapse. My relapse fears are huge and they're irrational, as if I'm going to wake up with someone pouring a bottle of wine down my throat, LOL.
So my question is did anybody ever quit the first time and never go back? How long have you been sober? Any other thoughts?
So my question is did anybody ever quit the first time and never go back? How long have you been sober? Any other thoughts?
Holy Crap... thats 52 days!
I haven't relapsed yet and I am hoping to keep it that way! I'm sure you can too!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
On June 15, 1986 I had my final asrrest (a bit o P.I., a bit o B&E, a bit o resisting srrrest....u get the drift). Over the next few days I pondered what seemed to be happening to me. I was a perfect cliche for the ole AA line for being 'allergic fo alcohol' --- of course I was allergoc; every time I picked up, I broke out in handcuffs (no joke here....just the facts).......
Like I said, over the next few days, I pondered what I should do; of course I was drinking during this time; how else was I going to make such an enormous decision w/o alcohol.....I finally realized that I needed to do 'something' and I had couple of friends who'd quit who had gone to AA, so mebbe I should give it a go, too.....?
On the evening of the 18th, morning of the 19th I (slightly high, of course) called a hotline here in Houston. The nice person on the other end talked to me and gave me a whole lotta info, which I promptly forgot; she told me about some AA meetings in my area, but also told me that there was a women's meeting at the Lambda Center for the upcoming Monday evening, and being female, it might be the best fit for me, to start off...........
............and so on the evening of Monday, June 23, 1986 I walked into the Lambda Club for my first AA meeting. Funny thing, the person I had spoken with never mentioned that it was a closed meeting.........so, at the beginning of the meeting, the chairperson asked if there were any newcomers (either this being her first meeting at Lambda, or her first meeting anywhere) and so I, dutifully raised my hand and introduced myself, but only with my name; at this the chairperson gave me a 'look' and asked, "Well, are you an alcoholic......?" I was too scared that I might be asked to leave if I answered the question incorrectly that I stuttered out, "YaYes, of course." ....at then end of the meeting, they were giving out some kind of chips (oh toogy, were we gonna play poker later?......LOLOL). Ahhhh, these were chips recognizing milestones if recovery; so it was asked if there was anyone who would like a 'desire' chip (this is what the 24hr coins were called then), anyone with a desire to stop drinking, and so I took that long walk up to the front of the room and accepted that chip. I was told that if I put this chip in a drink, and it melted, then I could drink it.....I was on my way.....!!
I did more than just admit I was an alcoholic on that night; I decided that this would be my DOS (date of sobriety), as that was the night I made the conscious decision to quit, just like the founders did, for good 'n all---forever, never to drink/use again, no yets, and no relaspses.....and this coming June 23rd I'll celebrate 25 years clean 'n sober.
So you see, inafishbowl, it is absolutely possible to quit for the first time, with no relapses...........power of positive thinking, or whatever one wants to call it. .......and I'm not alone in this either, quite a few of my recovered friends quit with no relapses.....we quit for good 'n all, forever, never to pick up again.....no matter what, we won't pick up-----lotsa positive affirmations helps too.........
(o:
NoelleR
Like I said, over the next few days, I pondered what I should do; of course I was drinking during this time; how else was I going to make such an enormous decision w/o alcohol.....I finally realized that I needed to do 'something' and I had couple of friends who'd quit who had gone to AA, so mebbe I should give it a go, too.....?
On the evening of the 18th, morning of the 19th I (slightly high, of course) called a hotline here in Houston. The nice person on the other end talked to me and gave me a whole lotta info, which I promptly forgot; she told me about some AA meetings in my area, but also told me that there was a women's meeting at the Lambda Center for the upcoming Monday evening, and being female, it might be the best fit for me, to start off...........
............and so on the evening of Monday, June 23, 1986 I walked into the Lambda Club for my first AA meeting. Funny thing, the person I had spoken with never mentioned that it was a closed meeting.........so, at the beginning of the meeting, the chairperson asked if there were any newcomers (either this being her first meeting at Lambda, or her first meeting anywhere) and so I, dutifully raised my hand and introduced myself, but only with my name; at this the chairperson gave me a 'look' and asked, "Well, are you an alcoholic......?" I was too scared that I might be asked to leave if I answered the question incorrectly that I stuttered out, "YaYes, of course." ....at then end of the meeting, they were giving out some kind of chips (oh toogy, were we gonna play poker later?......LOLOL). Ahhhh, these were chips recognizing milestones if recovery; so it was asked if there was anyone who would like a 'desire' chip (this is what the 24hr coins were called then), anyone with a desire to stop drinking, and so I took that long walk up to the front of the room and accepted that chip. I was told that if I put this chip in a drink, and it melted, then I could drink it.....I was on my way.....!!
I did more than just admit I was an alcoholic on that night; I decided that this would be my DOS (date of sobriety), as that was the night I made the conscious decision to quit, just like the founders did, for good 'n all---forever, never to drink/use again, no yets, and no relaspses.....and this coming June 23rd I'll celebrate 25 years clean 'n sober.
So you see, inafishbowl, it is absolutely possible to quit for the first time, with no relapses...........power of positive thinking, or whatever one wants to call it. .......and I'm not alone in this either, quite a few of my recovered friends quit with no relapses.....we quit for good 'n all, forever, never to pick up again.....no matter what, we won't pick up-----lotsa positive affirmations helps too.........
(o:
NoelleR
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