Alcoholic Wife
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Byrank, as a gambler, you must know the song,
"You gotta know when to hold 'em.................."
Better loose the 10Gs now, than later on loosing everything.
That is a BIG gamble!
I thought you were going to say you built it with your bare hands and you had me for a minute.
We used to drive all over Ireland "buying places" with my crazy father. Lovely Georgian houses with streams running through the farm etc. We got a pub and supermarket instead!!!!
We were a little miffed, but we all escaped eventually! Ha!
"You gotta know when to hold 'em.................."
Better loose the 10Gs now, than later on loosing everything.
That is a BIG gamble!
I thought you were going to say you built it with your bare hands and you had me for a minute.
We used to drive all over Ireland "buying places" with my crazy father. Lovely Georgian houses with streams running through the farm etc. We got a pub and supermarket instead!!!!
We were a little miffed, but we all escaped eventually! Ha!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
Sorry to be harsh,
But if she can't do inpatient now.....she will be inpatient, in jail, in hospital later. I'm pretty sure she will not be working, at least not at her full potential.
There are a lot of things you figure out in recovery but the best is that the being grateful for the simple things in life helps you simplify your life.
I had all that stuff and I was a drunk. I found none of it mattered, i live a busy, purposeful, giving life and now I have all I need. The gov't still considers me fortunate but their only looking at me on paper. They have no idea how fortunate I am in my soul since I found myself.
SH
But if she can't do inpatient now.....she will be inpatient, in jail, in hospital later. I'm pretty sure she will not be working, at least not at her full potential.
There are a lot of things you figure out in recovery but the best is that the being grateful for the simple things in life helps you simplify your life.
I had all that stuff and I was a drunk. I found none of it mattered, i live a busy, purposeful, giving life and now I have all I need. The gov't still considers me fortunate but their only looking at me on paper. They have no idea how fortunate I am in my soul since I found myself.
SH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 22
Well all, got the house. It is nice. Marriage is about the same. It is like a bad soap opera. Things are good some times, terrible others. She found this site in my email and read the posts, not that she was looking. I left it open, maybe on purpose. She was really upset.
About gambling, I am not a flip the coin and see what happens gambler. I am a tip the scales in my favor, analyze the data, make the best decision, and go for it gambler. I took bets, I didnt make them. We all gamble every day by just getting out of bed. Low risk, low reward. High risk, high reward. Too many reasons yes and only one no. If things fall apart, it wont matter if we have a big house or not. If things go great, we have it all.
About her job-Her job could be the most stable job in the history of man. It is almost impossible to fire her. Someone in her position was in jail for 12 months for molesting children. He was on administrative unpaid leave until he was tried and convicted because they could not fire him until after convicted.
Anyone out there have any success with Passages "The Cure"? It speaks to me and seems brilliant. My wife of course in dubious and believes and has found a comfort zone in the 12 steps.
When do you know it is time to give up and move on? I know she THINKS she is trying. She went to IOP. She goes to 2 meeting per week. To her this is huge. To me it is a pittance. She is drinking more days than she goes to meetings. She makes a lot of statement of what she wont do-in treatment, what doesnt work, even before trying them. I worry that these meeting are actually making matters worse. Meeting people in worse situations, having been in multiple treatments programs, always relapsing, cheating on spouses, etc. It seems to make her believe she doesnt have a problem because she isnt that bad. She will never be like that, she rationalizes. But relapse is part of recovery? It seems like a failure of recovery to me.
What is too much to expect in terms of her quitting?
What should my response be when she is drinking? Ignore it? Even when kids are around? Call the cops? Social Services? What is too much? Pretend it didnt happen once she is sober? Confront?
Should I pass out flyers to every liquore store in the area and tell them if they sell to her I will sue them, or, if someone else gets hurt, they could be liable. They are knowingly serving someone with a problem and that might hurt herself or others?
When I find a bottle of hers hidden in the house, is it reasonable to fill it with vinegar or salt water? I have taken to doing this.
When I try to talk to her after an episode, I know she feels guilty, that guilt feeds the addiction, etc, and then I am mad and she wont talk at all about it. She has this view that it is HER problem and she wont let me talk to her therapist. She doesnt want me to come to the medical DR with her. Should i just butt in and call them and speak to them about her. They may not be able to tell me anything, but I can tell them things if she is lying to them, which is what she does.
I know there are other places to look at info in this forum, but there is so much info I cant sort through it all. Any info you can send my way would be great. Its after 1am and I need to be up in 5 hours.
Thanks for listening, AGAIN.
About gambling, I am not a flip the coin and see what happens gambler. I am a tip the scales in my favor, analyze the data, make the best decision, and go for it gambler. I took bets, I didnt make them. We all gamble every day by just getting out of bed. Low risk, low reward. High risk, high reward. Too many reasons yes and only one no. If things fall apart, it wont matter if we have a big house or not. If things go great, we have it all.
About her job-Her job could be the most stable job in the history of man. It is almost impossible to fire her. Someone in her position was in jail for 12 months for molesting children. He was on administrative unpaid leave until he was tried and convicted because they could not fire him until after convicted.
Anyone out there have any success with Passages "The Cure"? It speaks to me and seems brilliant. My wife of course in dubious and believes and has found a comfort zone in the 12 steps.
When do you know it is time to give up and move on? I know she THINKS she is trying. She went to IOP. She goes to 2 meeting per week. To her this is huge. To me it is a pittance. She is drinking more days than she goes to meetings. She makes a lot of statement of what she wont do-in treatment, what doesnt work, even before trying them. I worry that these meeting are actually making matters worse. Meeting people in worse situations, having been in multiple treatments programs, always relapsing, cheating on spouses, etc. It seems to make her believe she doesnt have a problem because she isnt that bad. She will never be like that, she rationalizes. But relapse is part of recovery? It seems like a failure of recovery to me.
What is too much to expect in terms of her quitting?
What should my response be when she is drinking? Ignore it? Even when kids are around? Call the cops? Social Services? What is too much? Pretend it didnt happen once she is sober? Confront?
Should I pass out flyers to every liquore store in the area and tell them if they sell to her I will sue them, or, if someone else gets hurt, they could be liable. They are knowingly serving someone with a problem and that might hurt herself or others?
When I find a bottle of hers hidden in the house, is it reasonable to fill it with vinegar or salt water? I have taken to doing this.
When I try to talk to her after an episode, I know she feels guilty, that guilt feeds the addiction, etc, and then I am mad and she wont talk at all about it. She has this view that it is HER problem and she wont let me talk to her therapist. She doesnt want me to come to the medical DR with her. Should i just butt in and call them and speak to them about her. They may not be able to tell me anything, but I can tell them things if she is lying to them, which is what she does.
I know there are other places to look at info in this forum, but there is so much info I cant sort through it all. Any info you can send my way would be great. Its after 1am and I need to be up in 5 hours.
Thanks for listening, AGAIN.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
I'm probably not the one you want to hear from again, but I'm up. I have bad habits like staying up late working and eating crap when my husband is out of town. Much different than my habits before.
My husband will tell you there is nothing you can do except keep her and your children safe. All he did in the end was provide a bed and meals until I got my **** together and made a decision to get real treatment. I can tell you more about that if you want.
I will give you a bit of legal advice. Do not leave your children alone with her, especially overnight. If you ever want custody the courts will consider that as an acceptance that she was a fit mother. You won't have a leg to stand on.
SH
My husband will tell you there is nothing you can do except keep her and your children safe. All he did in the end was provide a bed and meals until I got my **** together and made a decision to get real treatment. I can tell you more about that if you want.
I will give you a bit of legal advice. Do not leave your children alone with her, especially overnight. If you ever want custody the courts will consider that as an acceptance that she was a fit mother. You won't have a leg to stand on.
SH
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Originally Posted by byrank 
My wife came to me this past Sunday, threw a bag of empty vodka bottles at me and finally admitted she has a problem and needs help.
she would end up so bad she could not move chips into the pot or hold cards.
Then, I found, even though we were drinking and sharing a bottle, she had a bottle hid in the bathroom and was drinking that on top of what were were drinking.
Just my paranoid fears?
she would end up so bad she could not move chips into the pot or hold cards.
Then, I found, even though we were drinking and sharing a bottle, she had a bottle hid in the bathroom and was drinking that on top of what were were drinking.
Just my paranoid fears?
i feel like your story of your wife is partially how my husband sees me...
i've come to him several times over the last 8 months telling him i've had enough...i'm done drinking, only to get a few days under my belt and think that i am really in control of everything and that i don't have a problem.
me "ending up so bad" consisted of me being loud & probably obnoxious at get togethers and social gatherings, so much so that my husband STOPPED going with me places. he tells me he doesn't want to be around drunk people who act that way...which is me.
hiding bottles....at first when i started to realize i had a problem, i thought that was a stupid idea...something that only happened in those sad sad movies about alcoholics, surely not me! but then it happened, when i tried to get sober last year - it was the end of october and i had dont my first "i've had enough" and removed ALL the alcohol from the house. my husband put up a challenge for me to NOT DRINK until thanksgiving. should have been an easy task for most, and i thought it was a great idea....until i bought a bottle of vodka and HID it under my bathroom sink! my plan was to see if he would even notice i was drinking --- i'm sure i only fooled myself.
lastly, i don't think you are paranoid!! you are so right that it hurts me to read your post as i can see pieces of how my husband feels. i also have 4 children that are young like yours are.
i think for me the biggest thing i have been looking for, from my husband, is support.
sorry for the long post...i just really feel like your story was something i could relate to - i hope your wife and you both get help in whatever way works for you. someone posted the other day on one of my threads something about how you'll never see a kid, when they are grown up say that they are glad that they grew up with an alcoholic....
best of luck to you and your family!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Hello again bryank:
This comment from one of your earlier posts popped out at me:
I know you have rejected the idea of alanon for now, but alanon takes a very different approach:
the three C's: you didn't cause it, (her alcoholism, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
Think about how it is really not possible for you to "change" anyone in your life...if there is someone at your workplace you would like to change, do you really think you could?
We can't change other people, and with the disease of alcoholism, the only person who can change your wife is herself.
Although you and your wife think that an inpatient program would be too difficult, isn't her life right now already too difficult? You are probably correct that she is driving drunk. That means she may also have your little 2 year old or 5 year old in the car with her.
Of course it is good that she is in AA, but, it is very easy to go to AA meetings and not work the program.
Her family is toxic: they are enabling her, especially her mother. I would not be surprised to learn her mother is an alcoholic too because I truly think a non-alcoholic mother would do everything in her power to support her daughters struggle for sobriety and would not enable her drinking.
You've gotten some great advice here: sadly I agree with John Barleycorn: document these episodes. I would also take a hard line on any driving with the children. It is your duty as a father to keep your children safe. I would tell her that if you suspect she is DUI with your children in the car, you will call the police.
this also popped out at me:
I would suggest you attend an open meeting of AA: it may change these ideas you have about AA. In the rooms I go to we have the people who hit bottom hard, yes, but we have people who did NOT lose everything. You will see young, healthy and happy people and older, healthy and happy people in AA: it is an accurate cross section of society. Many people I know in AA started out in rehab, just went the once, and say it was the best thing they ever did, and they never relapsed after coming out.
There are also many alternatives to AA: such as smart recovery. She can choose from a variety of programs.
This comment from one of your earlier posts popped out at me:
I really dont like the idea of not being able to change someone.
the three C's: you didn't cause it, (her alcoholism, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
Think about how it is really not possible for you to "change" anyone in your life...if there is someone at your workplace you would like to change, do you really think you could?
We can't change other people, and with the disease of alcoholism, the only person who can change your wife is herself.
Although you and your wife think that an inpatient program would be too difficult, isn't her life right now already too difficult? You are probably correct that she is driving drunk. That means she may also have your little 2 year old or 5 year old in the car with her.
Of course it is good that she is in AA, but, it is very easy to go to AA meetings and not work the program.
Her family is toxic: they are enabling her, especially her mother. I would not be surprised to learn her mother is an alcoholic too because I truly think a non-alcoholic mother would do everything in her power to support her daughters struggle for sobriety and would not enable her drinking.
You've gotten some great advice here: sadly I agree with John Barleycorn: document these episodes. I would also take a hard line on any driving with the children. It is your duty as a father to keep your children safe. I would tell her that if you suspect she is DUI with your children in the car, you will call the police.
this also popped out at me:
I worry that these meeting are actually making matters worse. Meeting people in worse situations, having been in multiple treatments programs, always relapsing, cheating on spouses, etc. It seems to make her believe she doesnt have a problem because she isnt that bad. She will never be like that, she rationalizes. But relapse is part of recovery? It seems like a failure of recovery to me.
There are also many alternatives to AA: such as smart recovery. She can choose from a variety of programs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Welcome Bryan and know you have our support at SR. I think sharing here and getting feedback will help you see that you are not alone and I believe getting some face to face support like Al-Anon will be extremely beneficial.
What I can share with you is that you can't fix her - end of story. You can support, love and do as much as you can to show her that you are here for her but this is her journey to take. She must reach out for help and follow through with positive action.
Your focus is you and your children. That is what you are in control of and where your responsibility lies. You can dump her booze out all day and if she has a problem like I did well this recoverying alcoholic would simply buy all the more and then blame others for my drinking.
This thing is progressive and until she wants to stop and begins to make change then sadly things will continue.
You didn't make her drink nor did anyone else. I found myself doing the blame game for my drinking instead of looking at the reasons I drank. Once I accepted I was alcoholic and reached out for help...I became that better person I knew myself to be but until that point.....it just continued and yes, it gets worse.
So glad you are with us and if she wants to change well she will if she makes recovery her 100% focus and she goes at it with everything she has. People do change and live beautiful amazing lives.....the things is no one can do the work for them.
All the best
What I can share with you is that you can't fix her - end of story. You can support, love and do as much as you can to show her that you are here for her but this is her journey to take. She must reach out for help and follow through with positive action.
Your focus is you and your children. That is what you are in control of and where your responsibility lies. You can dump her booze out all day and if she has a problem like I did well this recoverying alcoholic would simply buy all the more and then blame others for my drinking.
This thing is progressive and until she wants to stop and begins to make change then sadly things will continue.
You didn't make her drink nor did anyone else. I found myself doing the blame game for my drinking instead of looking at the reasons I drank. Once I accepted I was alcoholic and reached out for help...I became that better person I knew myself to be but until that point.....it just continued and yes, it gets worse.
So glad you are with us and if she wants to change well she will if she makes recovery her 100% focus and she goes at it with everything she has. People do change and live beautiful amazing lives.....the things is no one can do the work for them.
All the best
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 22
Thanks all. Funny how our thinking changes sometimes so quickly as we learn and grow. Wife still drinking on and off, and now into benzos. She got out of 11 day inpatient treatment this past Sunday. Crashed the brand new car twice, minor but almost $8k in damage. 2 yougest in the car. I am taking care of the kids and me, now. We want to believe the excuses and lies so much. I feel terrible letting my wife put the kids in an unsafe situation. Me believing whatever load she was feeding me. I am going to my first al-anon meeting tonight. I read the 12 steps, 12 traditions book of al-anon. I still have my reservations. My parents always told me i was too smart for my own good. I guess I will try to "keep it simple, stupid."
I have so many questions.
When is enough enough? How do you really know its time to leave.
My life is not unmanageable, just hard. I did it all for 11 days. I needed some help just because I cannot be in more than one place at a time. Because of that, she is alone with the kids for hours at a time. I called my work and skipped a MANDATORY sales conference because of this. They were supportive, but for how long?
She says and does all of the "things", but with little conviction. I know she needs to act as if, but how do you know when it is really taking, if ever?
Now she is clean, for the moment, I find myself behaving as nothing bad happened. I dont want to punish her, but something should be different, right? I feel different. I dont really know how to behave. I know she is nervous around me. I know she feels terrible.
What do people who dont drink do for fun? Say what you want about the bad side of drinking, it IS action packed, good and bad. Life is very vanilla without. It has been 7+ months for me without a drink, for the one of you who told me I had a problem...I dont miss the drama, but everywhere I go, everyone I know, every commercial on TV, every movie, everything you see revolves around drinking. I have been reconnecting with old friends, "Lets get a beer," is always the saying. Our new neighborhood has a huge Octoberfest every year. Its how everyone meets. I dont want my wife to be friendless in the neighborhood, people thinking we are snobs or antisocial for not going. But it is alcohol based. How did/do people cope in early recovery?
Thanks for all of the input.
I have so many questions.
When is enough enough? How do you really know its time to leave.
My life is not unmanageable, just hard. I did it all for 11 days. I needed some help just because I cannot be in more than one place at a time. Because of that, she is alone with the kids for hours at a time. I called my work and skipped a MANDATORY sales conference because of this. They were supportive, but for how long?
She says and does all of the "things", but with little conviction. I know she needs to act as if, but how do you know when it is really taking, if ever?
Now she is clean, for the moment, I find myself behaving as nothing bad happened. I dont want to punish her, but something should be different, right? I feel different. I dont really know how to behave. I know she is nervous around me. I know she feels terrible.
What do people who dont drink do for fun? Say what you want about the bad side of drinking, it IS action packed, good and bad. Life is very vanilla without. It has been 7+ months for me without a drink, for the one of you who told me I had a problem...I dont miss the drama, but everywhere I go, everyone I know, every commercial on TV, every movie, everything you see revolves around drinking. I have been reconnecting with old friends, "Lets get a beer," is always the saying. Our new neighborhood has a huge Octoberfest every year. Its how everyone meets. I dont want my wife to be friendless in the neighborhood, people thinking we are snobs or antisocial for not going. But it is alcohol based. How did/do people cope in early recovery?
Thanks for all of the input.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 22
Thanks for the input, but how does that work? I have to work. She is home with the kids before me. She takes the kids to the sitters and picks them up. How long until I let her drive the kids? I dont leave them over night, but when I take the older 2 to soccer at night or in bad weather, am I not supposed to leave the 2 little kids with her? I dont want her parents helping. My mom is only one woman with a mom of her own in very bad health. Really, not trying to be defensive, just trying to figure it out. I dont know how to tell her she cant drive the kids. I dont know how to say she cant be alone with her own kids. Is it reasonable to expect that when she says she is getting better and not using? And for how long should I impose the "sentence" as she will see it?
Thanks,
Bryan
Thanks,
Bryan
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
How about YOU being the one who transports the kids to and from the sitter? What is most important here...a little inconvenience or the safety of your children? I'm not trying to sound harsh, but that's really what it boils down to. If your wife is offended, then that's just too bad. Maybe she needs to put a little more effort into getting straightened out. If something were to happen to one of your children while in her care, how would you feel then? Why wait until that happens. Figure out what needs to be done now and do it.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Boston,Ma
Posts: 50
Brother, you are asking for help so I'll give you my 2 cents. All you have said makes me believe your wife, and to a different degree you, are in denial.
She does the minimal amount possible to get you off her back, she picks and chooses the parts of the program she wants to do, and she compares her situation as not as bad as others.Guess what, she is.
I know you love her but if you continue to enable her you won't have to worry about your big house or what people think at the friggin neigborhood octoberfest, you may be burying a child.
This disease is no joke, it doesn't miraculously get better. It progressively gets worse and worse until it takes her out and maybe others with her.
Listen to what you said- she had an accident with your kids in the car!
Screw her job,screw the house, screw if you can have "fun" anymore, get her into inpatient until she realizes how sick she is and get the kids away from her.
Call a certified addiction counselor and get her an intervention or have her sectioned.
My wife turned a blind eye to my disease and by the grace of God I didn't kill anyone, this is one gamble you can't afford to take.
SH
She does the minimal amount possible to get you off her back, she picks and chooses the parts of the program she wants to do, and she compares her situation as not as bad as others.Guess what, she is.
I know you love her but if you continue to enable her you won't have to worry about your big house or what people think at the friggin neigborhood octoberfest, you may be burying a child.
This disease is no joke, it doesn't miraculously get better. It progressively gets worse and worse until it takes her out and maybe others with her.
Listen to what you said- she had an accident with your kids in the car!
Screw her job,screw the house, screw if you can have "fun" anymore, get her into inpatient until she realizes how sick she is and get the kids away from her.
Call a certified addiction counselor and get her an intervention or have her sectioned.
My wife turned a blind eye to my disease and by the grace of God I didn't kill anyone, this is one gamble you can't afford to take.
SH
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Hi, Bryan.
I am sorry you're going through this. I'm sure you would get a lot of great advice on our Friends and Family forum, if you haven't been there. Folks here tend to come at it from the addict side of the picture; you might benefit from folks who have been married to addicts.
If you haven't checked it out, you'll find it here: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I am sorry you're going through this. I'm sure you would get a lot of great advice on our Friends and Family forum, if you haven't been there. Folks here tend to come at it from the addict side of the picture; you might benefit from folks who have been married to addicts.
If you haven't checked it out, you'll find it here: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
My stomach turns when I read posts like this. The kids always get lost in this stuff.. sometimes literally.
And THANK YOU, SoberHooligan for posting this as you saved me a lot of time and brain damage trying to formulate a response, so I'll just repeat it again:
Please protect those children. I never understand how that's not a clear and immediate reaction to danger in their lives. Course, I don't have kids... so maybe I just don't understand.
And THANK YOU, SoberHooligan for posting this as you saved me a lot of time and brain damage trying to formulate a response, so I'll just repeat it again:
Brother, you are asking for help so I'll give you my 2 cents. All you have said makes me believe your wife, and to a different degree you, are in denial.
She does the minimal amount possible to get you off her back, she picks and chooses the parts of the program she wants to do, and she compares her situation as not as bad as others.Guess what, she is.
I know you love her but if you continue to enable her you won't have to worry about your big house or what people think at the friggin neigborhood octoberfest, you may be burying a child.
This disease is no joke, it doesn't miraculously get better. It progressively gets worse and worse until it takes her out and maybe others with her.
Listen to what you said- she had an accident with your kids in the car!
Screw her job,screw the house, screw if you can have "fun" anymore, get her into inpatient until she realizes how sick she is and get the kids away from her.
She does the minimal amount possible to get you off her back, she picks and chooses the parts of the program she wants to do, and she compares her situation as not as bad as others.Guess what, she is.
I know you love her but if you continue to enable her you won't have to worry about your big house or what people think at the friggin neigborhood octoberfest, you may be burying a child.
This disease is no joke, it doesn't miraculously get better. It progressively gets worse and worse until it takes her out and maybe others with her.
Listen to what you said- she had an accident with your kids in the car!
Screw her job,screw the house, screw if you can have "fun" anymore, get her into inpatient until she realizes how sick she is and get the kids away from her.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
I agree that it's irrelevant how inconvenient it is for you to deal with this, and it's irrelevant how annoyed your wife gets with you. The most important issue right now is dealing with your children. And, you're not 'imposing a sentence' on your wife, you're taking care of your children, and that's your job.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
All the things you just listed to attempt to make your wife realize she has to stop drinking won't work and quite frankly you sound obsessed with her behavior. Get help for yourself because the only person you can control is you. At this point your whole family is I'll, you all play your "parts." she will not change for you. Loving her won't do it, spying on her certainly won't, he'll your kids can't stop this, only she can. And the sooner you get into treatment for your obsession/wife the sooner she will. JMHO.
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